Well, I think you all know my story. I have been going through this for a year. I have been in PlanA, and PlanB.

My WH had a chance to retire with a bonus. At first he did not want to do it. When I found out, I told him to retire and I would not persue D. So he was very thanful.

However yesterday I asked hin for some money - $385. to be exact. He gave me $300. but said he would have to scrape to get the rest of the money. But I found out that he has taken out $200. so that he and OW can have a nice weekend.

So my quetion is how can I trust him again?

That's just it believer,you can't.He is still proving himself untrustworthy isn't he? Did he reneg on his agreement to retire?

If anything your WH has found a way to still keep YOU in the loop along with the OW by saying that he would retire,that way you will not D him...yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> More disappointment I'm afraid.Ugh.

O

This is the way of cake-eaters and those who have learned that boundaries are easily breakable. It doesn't work the way we'd all like: I helped you, so you help me.

Our Givers and our Takers are not connected that way most of the time.

It sucks. But it's true.

Dear Believer,

Sorry to hear your H can't get you the correct amount. As usual most WS' calculator's are broken in their heads. They must use the 'estimated' method in the fog and if it is in favor of the family, normally they 'round down'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

As to your question can you trust him, IMHO No. Not yet. On some things, maybe but don't count on it and don't make plans on it.

You will definitely know when you can trust him. There will be no doubt. So as long as there is doubt, then play it safe.

Next time when you ask for $$ or something, pad it by about the normal tip rate: 15%. Then when he gives less, it will be closer to the needed amount.

Sometimes that is how we have to operate when dealing with the fog. :rollingeyes:

hugz,
L.

Believer girlfriend, what ever gave you the notion that you COULD trust him? Surely you did not expect trustworthy behavior from an untrustworthy person? Do you also expect your cat to bark? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am in tears right now. I have been doing so well, but it is all going down the drain. I have given everything to my WH, I always wanted the best for him.

He is so happy that he can retire. But I feel like he is still going to take advantage of me.

believer, you can always change your mind. Did you have certain expectations if he did decide to retire? If you did, I would make them legally binding so that you aren't left hanging out there.

I am concerned that giving him your word that you won't divorce him only gives him license to carry on his affair indefinitely without consequences. Do you think he views it that way?

Dear Believer,

I am sorry this is bringing you to tears. Maybe your hopes were a bit tooo high. That happens a lot for many a BS.

Reality bites but I know you are a survivor. The crying will cleanse out your soul and then anger may set in but again you can use that emotion to relieve some tension. Don't break any laws but relieving the tension is ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Helping a WS doesn't always result in relief for the BS. Many don't realize that until we experience it.

Do you now feel like you are enabling the A? Probably. Don't dwell on it or there c/b major fireworks in So Cal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Instead it is better to channel any anger or frustration into healing yourself.

You helped him save his retirement. How can that benefit you and your family? Work on making that a reality as ML suggested. ok?

Let us know if you need to chat. I have free weekend minutes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Hugz,
L.

Believer -

You've helped so many people on this board.

I am so sorry that you have been let down. And I know that cut is made deeper because you were starting to believe in him again.

I am by no means an expert, but you have had some great replies here. Some wise people are (thankfully) a very large percentage of this board. Take comfort in their expertise, and try to apply their viewpoints.

I feel your pain and am so sorry this is happening to you.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

- WHB

believer

My heart goes out to you. ((((((hugs))))) You have helped so many people with your posts here, me included.

Don't give up. Take a step back, evaluate, and try another tactic. But most importantly, take care of yourself. Eat, sleep and stay strong for the fight you know is right.

SD

Believer...if you break plan B first...you must be prepared to receive this treatment from them. Our WH is still in the fog.

Don't expect too much from them then you won't feel like you have been betrayed again.

climb back up on that wagon and this time put on the seat belt!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks everyone. I just talked to old foggy. We were supposed to go to the Easter sunrise service tomorrow at the beach.

I told him that while I am trying to be good to him, he is taking advantage of me. Well I didn't put it so politely. He said he is short of cash. I then told him that I have access to his bank account.

Well that caused some fireworks. He asked how I could get access, blamed me for having access, told me nothing he did was ever good enough. So it was not pretty.

So much for trying to treat him right. He is still in the fog.

Hehe. Yes I did expect an untrustworthy person to be trustworthy. Also I am teaching my cat to bark.
So far he has not barked.

Believer, I'm sending all sorts of good vibes your way. You have helped me countless times. Your faith in this MB process, in spite of what you are going through, shows the person you are. I don't know your story, but I'll say this. At this point in time your H is an ..., ok I won't say it. I hope he can prove to you one day that HE deserves you. Hang in there! CV

Believer - Is that cat barking yet, or what???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He asked how I could get access, blamed me for having access, told me nothing he did was ever good enough. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like going through the process of exposure all over again. Ick. It's so horrible that snooping has to be part of a BS's MO.

You sound as if you're taking a step back and seeing his reactions exactly as they are: deep in the fog.

Hang in...

Believer,

I can't say much that the others haven't already said except...

From an Iowan to you, be very glad you're in southern CA where the weather is beautiful and that you have an opportunity to go to sunrise service on a beach.

It's supposed to be extra cold and blustry around here on Easter Sunday, around 42 degrees. Brrrr! And no beach either! Just a few daffodils starting to peak their heads up.

As for the money thing, I share your irritation. My WH has agreed to pay me weekly for child support, but I had to float him all last week because he was short of money. I also have access to his bank account--it's how I make the transfers. Seems he would have had nearly enough had he not taken OW to a professional rodeo and then out for an expensive steak dinner a couple weekends ago, and then proceeded to take her out for a less expensive dinner again the next night.

And I was good enough to rate calls and even a lunch last week--and a comment that we were getting along better, but the weekend has been silent. I can see who really rates.

I can't imagine life without him in it, but these weekends are getting darned lonely by myself, while he's in the arms of OW.

I hope you are able to enjoy this special Easter day. I've been invited to my sis's about an hour away, but am not sure I'm going. DS is going to his girlfriend's to meet her extended family, and DD doesn't want to go anywhere so will fight me on it. I'll go down and my mom will start in immediately with questions/comments about WH. I'm not sure I'm up to it. I may just stay home and clean the rest of my house after church.

Stay strong. You do such a great job keeping others' spirits up on this board. Hate to see you down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LL

I can't really offer much in the way of successful advice except to remind you to take care of you. Sounds like we're pretty much in the same boat except my WH is here for now, physically anyway. Hang in there and try to have nice Easter.

believer,

Sorry to hear WS is still in the fog. You are such a nice lady.

Of course you have access to his bank account. You are his WIFE. You are not divorced, and what is his is yours, and what is yours is his, until you are divorced. Which you are NOT.

You said you would not D him and he could retire. I guess, in your WS fog, that means he can do whatever, cake eating being the operative word here.

Anyway, you might tell him that as you are NOT divorced, only separated, that what is yours is his, what is his is yours.

Meanwhile, I am so sorry. (((HUGS))).

Sorry you are in such a rough spot. I know you told WS no divorce, but what do you think it will take to get this man back on the same planet as you are?

You know him much better than any of us. I know you want what is best for him.

Maybe a huge dose of reality is what your WS needs. I don't know how or what you can do to get this going on, but want you to know I am praying for you. And by the way, you are WORTHY. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks for all of the replies. I really had a pleasant day. I went to the garage sales with friends, and then got the bathroom painted.

The only bad part of the day had to do with WH. One of these days I will figure it out. I just need to stay in Plan B.

Hehe. How many times have I said that?

You have said that too many times believer...you need to stay in that wagon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />