Lostnhurt:

Sorry I didn't get to your post until now. It's difficult to say what is going on in your H's head other than the typical confusion brought about by an A. He is physically, mentally and emotionally torn between the OW, you and his family.

The disappearing acts like this are an obvious concern, especially since there were no signs that he had not moved out of the house. The latter might be a good sign. This last act may have been little more than acting on temptation or a threat from the OW.

It sounds to me like you are headed for Plan B. Remember, it is for your protection and not punishment for him. Let me know how your talk went. I hope things improve.

LB

Hopeful:

Hang in there. It sounds like your WH is really confused and torn about his decisions and actions. Believe me, this is not uncommon. It sounds like he opened up to you pretty well and said some very positive things regarding your relationship.

Let's hope he was being honest and not just telling you something you wanted to hear.

From my experience, when you reach this point, life is pretty miserable -- fun and games don't exist in an A at this point. You do feel adrift and seemingly caught between different lives.

Be the anchor. Hang tough but protect yourself. When you talk to him, encourage him to open up by I would advise against rather pointed, direct questions. I suspect most guys dig in when they feel like they are being interrogated. Gently open the door in the conversation and let him spill it.

Good luck.

LB

Betrayed2:

Keep up the work in the gym. That's great! Vigorous exercise is a great stress reliever in addition to the other physical and mental benefits. Not to mention the compliments from others about your appearance. That never hurts.

Let's see, the last time someone complimented my looks...I believe Garfield was president.

Keep up the good work.

LB

LB, thank you fro your replying. I am so thankful of getting you, Hiker to help. I think that GOD is answering my prayer in different ways.

But I am not clear what last act you refer to. Please read my thread again. He asked for seperation again. I just want to hang in till after the MB weekend, then Plan B if he continue this behavior. Thanks again.

LB,

Thanks so much for your opinions. You are a great guy. I know you have a past but you are truly making up for it by helping others. You have been so helpful to me. Even if WH never comes around, you have helped me understand some of what he is feeling and going through. The whole two people thing is weird. He said so much to me and he cried, but I think I will lay to rest what he said. In the end I figure it was mostly fog talk and he left for her house.

Your wife is very lucky to have you in her life. I hope you can have a wonderful life with her. I will keep on you. I will pick your brain until I know all. Hope you don't mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks.

NY

Threadjack, Threadjack!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your wife is very lucky to have you in her life. I hope you can have a wonderful life with her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, I am! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ISG

Didn't know you posted. You go girl! You rock! You two will definitely make it. Hang on for the ride. Life is just beginning. I wish you the best. Thanks for letting me pick your hubby's brain and heart. You know where I am and you have been here, it hurts and it sucks. There is nothing like getting a glimpse of it first hand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

NY

^^bump^^

Shugah:

I beg your forgiveness for nolt answering sooner. I usually jot down notes when reading through this stuff but just noticed that I didn't respond to your earlier post. I apologize.

Yea, 15 months is a long time to be hanging out there. A long time of pain, confusion and uncertainty.

I know the MB rules say NC in Plan B. I am certain those rules exist for a very good reason. Perhaps someone more knowledgable than I can step in with better advice. But....

It's been a long time and you indicated that you were making progress during contact. I'm of the opinion that if something is working, keep doing it. I am sure there are exceptions to everything. At this juncture, you may have little else to lose.

My concern for you is the roller coaster thing and the toll it's taking on you. You get a little positive news and feel uplifted, just to get drop kicked again. Protect yourself from that. Understand that, as they say, it is what it is -- his words may be just nothing more than empty sounds. If he backs those words up with actions, then that's something to get excited about.

I fed my W and steady diet of shallow words for a long time. She didn't deserve it and neither do you.

I wish you the best. Perhaps someone far wiser than I can help.

LB

Hopeful:

Thanks for the post and your kind words. The two headed monster illness is real and perhaps has a pyschological basis.

Head doctors are always talking about actions being dictated by either the adult or child within us. Obviously, the child's decisions are always the easy ones, the ones requiring little work and the greatest reward and comfort.

Sometimes I wonder if that doesn't play itself out in an A. The WS faces a BS that has been hurt, is angry, wants answers, decisions and "tough" actions -- not a very comfortable environment for a WS or a child. The OW or OM is a safer refuge, although a false one, and therefor an easier and more comfortable choice.

I'm babbling now and probably making no sense. Thanks again for your note and I wish you the best. Celebrate the little "wins" and any progress. It's a move in the right direction.

LB

Shugah:

As they say in the NFL -- after further review, the call on the field has been over turned. Let me erase a sentence of two from my earlier post after giving it some more thought.

The upside to Plan B is protection -- for you, your feelings and quite honestly the feelings held by the WS. Think back over those occasions when you were in contact with your WS. Take time and review those conversations & encounters thoroughly and honestly. Remember them for what they were, not what you wanted them to be. Rate them on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being delightfully pleasant. I suspect most fall in the 4-5 or less range, perhaps closer to the 1's and 2's.

Nearly all the contact I had with my BS during Plan B ranked in the 1-2 range. It didn't start that way, but that's certainly where it usually ended up. Why? Because my BS was desperate and in pain. I heard it and felt it. I also felt the pressure to do something I wasn't ready to do. It made me back off, put up my defenses and erase any progress I had made. Progress, of course, being a relative term here -- my definition of progress varied greatly from that of my spouse.

Those unpleasant encounters were painfully unproductive for both of us. They were a classic exercise in love busters. My BS came away angry, hurt and again disappointed. It usually reinforced my reasons for staying away. When there is a choice of facing an angry spouse or a cheerful OW or OM -- that's a pretty easy call for someone not committed to a M.

I admire the strength you have obviously shown to endure 15 months of this. Don't give up on yourself or what you want. Heavens knows you are tough. Recognize that as a strength and a very admirable quality. Build on it.

I hope this has given you some insight into why NC works. I do wish you the very best.

LB

i need advice for you Lostbird.

I am in my 10th week of strict plan B. Still no sign of any changes from him except the occasional hint by text message that he still cares and loves me. I guess that is hopeful enough that he will eventually come home.

I am finally doing well and am no longer feeling lost and desperate. I am beginning to think that i could go on in my plan B for as long as it takes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I need to know if it is wise to encourage him to come to this forum for support? And would this be a good cause to break plan B? And what to say to encourage him to do this?

Zizzycool:

First congratulations on remaining in Plan B and the strength that you obviously feel. I would definitely encourage your WS to read and post here.

Sometimes seeing words expressed by others makes a far greater impact than if they came from you. Plus, it will give him a chance to open up and share his feelings, pain and frustration -- yea those are common among WS's too. I know I sure went through it. Coming here -- sometimes spending hours reading at night -- helped me.

However, a suggestion. If he knows your screen name here, change it. Sign on under another name. That will protect you, your feelings and venting if necessary.

The text messages that you receive are positive moves on his part. They may seem like small, insignificant reminders to you, but it is his way of reaching out and tells me there is still hope.

Good luck. Stay strong and keep up the good work in Plan B.

LB

Zizzy:

After thoughts -- God's way of showing us that our illusion of brillance is fleeting at best.

Of course in keeping with Plan B, you don't want to directly tell your husband to come to this board, read and post. Don't break your NC rule.

Communicate with him through an intermediary -- perhaps have a friend recommend that he check out the site.

Good luck. And chances are, I'll throw something else up here for you to read as the thought creeps into my brain.

LB

LB,

Well I have new information here. Apparently WH left on Wed. and I thought he went to OW house and he didn't. His mother called me today and said that he went straight to her house and they sat and talked and cried for two hours. She said he is really screwed up and is seriously thinking about dumping OW and coming home. I don't know what I think about all of this.

It is what you want, but then your like what do I do with him after that? Can I trust him, can I love him again, I mean I am so scared he is going to come here or call here. I don't know what I would say to him. I definitely don't want him to move back in. The kids can't do it again if it doesn't work. It broke their hearts last time.

How do you forgive all those things he said to me? How do pretend he didn't say I only love you a little. She makes me feel so good. Sex with you sucks. How do you pretend the fog talk didn't happen? Gees. I am really freaking out here now.

HINY

HiNY:

I'm no recovery expert and you will probably find some good advice on posts in that category. Forgiveness is a wonderful gift. Sure it will take time to erase the pain and he will have to build his credibility with you and children based on his actions and merits.

He needs to return home when he is ready to work on recovery. If he is not committed to recovery then he is setting himself up for failure. That doesn't mean he won't think about the OW, won't miss her and won't want to contact her -- that's all part of the withdrawal process. The key is that he maintains NC and concentrates his energy on recovery.

I find it encouraging that he spent two hours opening up emotionally to his mother. But for now, it is what it is. That may be a small step for him that will hopefully put y'all on the road to recovery. Read into it little more than it's a good sign that he wants to repair his M. It all has to start somewhere.

LB

Lost Bird did you change your name to foolish bird? Trying to make sure I have the same person here.

I found out today after dropping S off at MIL that WH went to Indiana to visit a USMC buddy for the weekend. It is a 12 hour drive to there, so hopefully he is doing some much needed thinking and having some time alone. OW did not go with him.

His USMC friend tried to talk him into staying when he was still here before he left the first time. I hope he gets his crap together on his little trip. He sure needs some time away from everyone. This is the best thing he could have done for himself.

HINY

HINY,

For the record, Lost & Foolish are the same person...my FWH. He's off reading some stuff right now, so wanted to set the record straight in your eyes.

Same guy. My guy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am really hopeful about your H's trip to see his buddy.

Keep the faith, HINY!

Hi ISGirl

Thanks, for a min I thought I was losing my mind. I have never seen him post under foolish bird and I figured it was him. I am already confused with life so one more thing added on just really screws me up you know.

Thanks, I hope that my WH can do some thinking and get his head together while on this trip. Is it really hard in recovery? I am a little nervous about it. You know we aren't there yet. How do you forget? How do you look at him and not feel pain? I just want to know how to do it. It doesn't seem possible at this time, and honestly I dont' know if it is. I might just be fantasizing that it is. How did you do it?

HINY

HINY,

I think part of the problem for you is the stage of your Plan B. It is sooooooo new for you.

The longer you are in PB, the easier it becomes to deal with the pain. You don't forget it, but is not fresh and new. And after all, isn't that one of the goals of Plan B? To put your love away in a safe place, to protect it, so that when (hopefully) your spouse will realize the importance of the marriage and your relationship, you can resurrect that love and put it back into your daily life.

If you look at my sig line you will see that this has been a very long haul for me...for us. And I did just that. I locked it away. I protected it.

I know you are impatient, we BS's are all impatient. It seems like forever. Just hang in there and be strong. Pray, and hope that your friends - and your H's friends - will have some influence on him. BUT...do not expect miracles. I believe that it takes a lot of different things occurring to make a WS decide in favor of the marriage, not just a single thing. It's kind of like weight gain and loss. It goes on a pound at a time and that's the same way it has to come off. Same with the relationship. The A started gradually, and ending it has to have numerous different "stimuli" or messages that get into the psyche of the WS.

JMHO. Hugs to you!