I posted this earlier on ChristyV's thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh gee whiz, my H still seems to have a 6th sense about me, can tell when I'm thinking about him too much, he just tried calling me (at his usual time too, well after 10pm here). I didn't answer though. (My guess is he's going to start harassing me again as our divorce is going to be final in one week's time.) Edited to add: Oh my he's really trying to pull hard on my heartstrings....his message that he left was him wishing my little stuffed Easter bunny a Happy 10th Birthday....he knows that I still sleep with that rabbit every night. AARUGH. That's the man that I loved. Haven't heard him in a long time. Sometimes I wonder if I should send him a plan B letter of sorts, reiterate under what conditions I'd be willing to be in contact with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wonder if I should make up a plan B letter of sorts for him. But it sure wouldn't be a love letter, it would be a "leave me alone unless...." letter.

I talked with a mutual friend tonight who asked me if there were some conditions by which I'd be willing to talk to my STBXH, and I told her I'd gone over them so many times with him, that I didn't want her to say anything to him.

Upon thinking about it, his sweetness in his phone message really does remind me of the husband I once loved....and I almost feel like I should reply somehow, or maybe do the letter, but then I think of how horrible he's been to me and think continued NC is best. I mean a year and a half of only being willing to see me in private and have sex with me, but not being willing to go for counselling, or commit to working on our marriage COMBINED WITH having a sexual relationship with another woman and not telling me about it until after I filed for Dv.....his actions told me he didn't love me enough to choose to recommit to me and work on our marriage.

In a couple of weeks I will be at a new address and a new unlisted phone number unknown to my H. Then real NC will begin I guess. He won't be able to call me anymore, only email me.

BUT I wonder...why does he keep reaching out to me?!? I am speculating that he still loves me, or at least cares about me. But really, am I just a sad addiction for him? He treated me like dirt for SOOOO long, as he said, he was punishing me. But why would I want to ever be with a man who thinks punishing is a way to treat his wife?

It is sad, but as I am busy packing in order to move, I am experiencing a lot of anxiety combined with excitement about moving. I mentioned to my girlfriend tonight how I just couldn't look at things sitting on my shelves, and I went on another packing binge tonight, even though I packed for HOURS on the weekend, and have 2 more weekends to do packing. I went on the packing binge b/c I don't want anyone who comes over to have any opportunity say anything critical about how much I have or haven't packed. I want to look like I've done lots. My friend said I'm behaving like this (worrying like this) b/c I was so used to my H criticizing me all the time. It's like a bad old habit this anxiety on my part. That's yet another reason to maintain total NC with him.

Crazy, there's part of me that wonders if I should dare to continue contact with him just in case the aliens have evacuated from his body. But it's just so much easier to move on and live my life alone without him.

Sorry for posting such a rambling confused mess. Maybe someone out there can make sense of my confusion?

Jen

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Jen,

After all that has happened, tell us what you want to happen now.

What are you wishing for?

SS

Jen,

He is just checking to see if he still has control. Did you notice no action accompanied this call. It was just to check if he could get something for free. No flowers showed up did they? He did not show up did he? He offered no apologies did he?

He is jerking your chain and if that works guess what he is going to ask for. You are well rid of him. You did your best, you gave it time, and you tried very hard. He did NOT.

Move on and don't worry we are not going to criticize (sp) you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are about to start a new phase of your life, and trust me on this, the 20's are the growing up time, the 30's and beyond is when real life begins. Go for it and enjoy.

God Bless,

JL

Jen,

Ditto what JL posted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

ditto JL

Your emotional meanderings seem very normal and expected. Temptations. Please act on your rational thoughts, not your emotions. You know what's good for you.

WAT

I wish to move on with my life and be left alone. It's why I filed for Dv. It's why I am paying for an unlisted phone number.

However, there is a niggling little part of my psyche (the part that is stuck on being a kind person, perhaps the "too nice" part of me) that wishes my H and I could be friends. But I guess the rational side of my brain knows that wouldn't be very healthy for us anyway. He'd still be all about control and manipulation even then. I doubt his intentions would be just friendship. He'd want the physical still without commitment, just as he did for the past 1.5 years is my guess.

Thanks SS, JL, Orchid and WAT. I just needed a quick reality check I guess.

I am still nervous that he will begin contacting me a bunch this week b/c the Dv is going through. But I guess why worry about something that hasn't even happened. And my response will have to be no response if it does.

Jen

You know my situation Jen, and I can tell you that even "I" have thoughts of reconciliation with my stbxH!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

There's that certain amount of comfort there, along with the fear of the unknown that we face. Also, over time in our NC, we tend to forget a lot of the bad things. I think in these times, we need to have a few venting MB posts bookmarked so that we can remember all the he!! our ex's put us through. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I think you're a lot like me in that you're still mourning the M you DESERVED and WANTED... not what you actually had. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As far as your plan B letter.... if you're still looking for closure, then go for it. But remember, that letter IS intended to be a love letter, along with a small step by step guide on what HE needs to do to EARN contact with you again. (if anything.. you could write the letter, and then burn it before you move to your new place.. how's THAT for symbolism?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

Take care,
Karen

Jen, it's just too soon. It's too soon for your husband to have really gotten a good sense of life without you, and it's too soon for him to have seen the err of his ways and FIXED anything. MAYBE he's beginning to peak his head out and smell some clean air - but if you jump right back in to his life, all the old patterns will re-immerge and you'll have the SAME results. He doesn't know any other way.

Make your move and keep your new number private. He needs to see you back your words with action. Maybe he'll get it one day - and maybe he won't. But until he shows REMOURSE, SHAME, EMBARRASMENT for the way he's treated you in the past - he doesn't get it. Ok??

Jen, your thoughts are normal. A big part of your life is coming to an end...an official end.

I see no reason for a Plan B letter simply because I've read nothing that indicates a fundamental change in your husband. Yes, he is probably hurting and scared also, that too is normal.

But marriage, as you well know, is serious business. It takes dediction, commitment and hard work.

Also, for the two of you, it takes willing obedience to God's commands for husbands and wives. I don't see him ready to submit himself to God yet, much less to you, so while I fully understand your remaining hope that it "might" work out, I think you are fooling yourself.

It IS possible, that he might change, we all do. But the important thing is that his change will have to be real and something that you can see. Actions speak louder than words. This is especially true now. It is possible that you might even remarry him at some future date, but I would caution against that without radical and fundamental change on his part.

Lastly, a gentle word of caution for you. There will be, as there has been, a "hole" in your heart. Be careful and go slowly with any future male relationships. Take the time to heal and to get a good handle on what you might really want to see in a "good man."

God bless and grant you His peace as you continue to seek His will.

<small>[ April 14, 2004, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>