just throwing this out there since i can't just call SH every time i have a question. it will probably sound silly to most people because i think it's kind of silly too. but i'm trying to plan A, be strategic, and do what is needed to save my M. with that being said....it's in regards to a bill. we have so many different phone bills, i honestly don't know why we have so many. i had a lot of bills sent to me a long time ago (not because of all this) and i one of the phone bills i got had some calls from our home phone (in another state) to the OW's house and cell phone.

bottom line is i don't want to pay for this and my H probably doesn't realize that i got this bill, etc. i am going to call him tomorrow to 1)keep in contact w/him like SH suggested 2) to find out why we have so many different phone bills and 3)to talk to him about this bill that has these phone calls on it.

so do i say:
i received this bill w/these calls on it and I don't think i should have to pay it and i will be sending it to you for you to pay now and from this point on.
or
i received this bill w/these calls and i will be sending it to you to pay now and from this point on.
or
i received this bill w/these calls and YOU need to pay it now and from this point on.

like i said it's probably just samantics about what exactly to say but i don't want to be accusatory but at the same time i've been very careful not to have any kind of R talk and by me just paying it i think would say that i'm condoning what he's doing and that he still needs to be reminded that what he's doing is wrong. now does the reminding need to come from me? i don't know. anyway, thanks for reading and any and all suggestions. prayers to all of you.

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

rr, I would choose #2. You don't have to explain what you think, but don't demand (say NEED) it. That is my thought. See what others say. Love you and prayers for you.

Hi RR,

Would it be possible to send the bills to him instead of calling with a note that is sort of like the second phrase that you wrote down? Calling him in regards to this may open the gates to an argument or resentment.

Just an idea!

Kati

hadn't really thought about sending it to him w/a note but i do need to call him and talk about the phone bills. i just don't understand why we have so many different ones. we have AT&T, sprint, mci, alltel, nextel, and cingular. the sprint and nextel bills i don't even see. we don't even have alltel anymore but still have a bill for it, etc. so i think we do need to get that straightened out.

i guess part of me in a way does want to bring up the A even if indirectly, to get a feel where he is. maybe i'll wait to talk to SH on tuesday and see what he has to say. i don't remember when the phone bill in question is due so i'll check on that. i'm starting to feel like i have some rights too and remaining completely silent about everything is hard to take sometimes. of course things are somewhat complex due to the fact we are living in different states.

well, thanks for the suggestions guys, prayers to you.

door #2

BUT! How much is it? Is there ANY chance this will generate an argument (even if not, it WILL be an LB)? By revealing this, will you sacrifice a method of monitoring contact?

In other words, another option is to just pay it yourself and not even mention it. Of course, this relieves him of being responsible and stomps on your boundaries. But sometimes the best tactical option has to compromise something else.

WAT

i'm not being able to monitor anything from where i am. i was w/the email but since he changed the password i haven't been. the bill is less than $10. so it would'd be a hardship for either one of us to pay. but like you said i'm thinking that it's more of a boundary thing. i'm beginning to think my H thinks i'm being a doormat. he's not given me any indication that he thinks that way just more of a feeling based on our R.

if things continue the way they are (me in plan A and neither one of us really talking about anything)we will come to a point where things will need to be decided, who pays what, etc. he's already started separating some things like some of his money, paying some things on his own like car and cell, etc. but i'm still financially supporting him, even if it's just by continuing to pay the mortgage payment. Haven't gotten into this too much w/SH and plan to do so in our session next week.

i'm not stopping him from doing things (sell our house, pay his bills, etc.) but SH said not to help things along. this whole phone bill thing was something i couldn't really ignore so i've been sitting on it until now. i'll be praying on it tonight and will keep you guys posted.

well i just talked to my H. i brought up about the phone bills and why i wasn't sure we had so many, etc. etc. and he said he would call them and figure what's going on. i said i would be sending him a couple of the bills to him tomorrow and that one of them had some calls on it and then i said i would just "leave it at that." he just said okay and we just talked about a couple of other things and i said i would talk to him later.

so it's done, don't know if it was good or bad or neutral. like i've said in some other posts, i'm starting to feel like i'm not being true to myself by just not saying anything. is anyone telling my H that what he is doing is wrong? can't wait for my session w/SH on tuesday, i really need it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />