Dear Durham,
I am currently working on the Boundaries in Marriage concepts. As you point out, your husband seems not to be fully honest with you.
You bring up money matters, as not having the budget set out. One idea in Boundaries is to discuss upcoming problems with our spouses. Is there any way to have a confrontational, yet considerate, discussion on finances with H? Cloud talks about initiating loving confrontations on upcoming issues with our spuses. Are ther any other issues that you could bring up with H?
One formula for asking our spouses to better respect reasonable boundaries, is to work on better boundaries ourselves, that are meaningful to our spouse. I have not read all your posts, but are there any boundaries that are important to your husband, that you are working to better respect?
My wife had an attitude toward me a month ago, that she had better answers and was more righteous than I was. I asked her to try to talk like we had differences of opinion, rather than for her to try to prove she was right, and I was wrong, if we differed. You seem to have considerable resentment toward H. Are you able to give hime the respect of an equal when you see him?
Have you read 180 Degree Divorce Busters? What changes has MC suggested that you make in your approach to H? What changes have you tried, that are difficult for you? You seem to be focussing more on probvlems than on solutions to the problems.
You don't seem to feel that Plan B is going to give you the resulst you want. Plan B can backfire. Here is one Plan B backfire thread:
cnf, Her Daughter's Father marries OW after Plan B While H's ambivalance is typical and his view of the truth is self-serving, you are in MC, so your situation does not seem, to me, to be ideal for Plan B, unless you are ready to give up on H. Ordinarily, Plan B would lead to MC, and getting back together. Is ther any chance to work with the husband of OW, to get them back together, so H can come home? What is blocking OW and her husband getting back together besides H?
I was unaware of the mood swings that go along with some pregnancies. When my wife was pregnat with our first child, I was unprepared for her occasionally become quite hurtfully taunting. She did not even realize that her demeanor had changed, and just felt I was being excessively unreasonable, and deserved to be yelled at. The second pregnancy, I was better prepared, and arranged to give emotional distance when she flared up in an unusual manner, that seem appropriate to her.
You don't seem to be familiar with 180 Degree Divorce Busters. Here are some references:
divorcebusting.com MB Thread on 180 Degree Divorce Busters Stop Divorce Website
Stop Divorce website Here are the Boundaries References.
BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE (1999), by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Available in Leather, ISBN 0-310-24612-1, Hard back: ISBN 0-310-22151-X, and Paper Back: ISBN 0-310-24314-9 (Soft Cover) Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530.
Boundaries in Marriage Workbook, Paperback, ISBN 0-310-22875-1.
Boundaries, Face to Face (2003) by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
cloudtownsend.com www.drhenrycloud.comwww.newlife.comBoundaries Course Video, with Cloud and Townsend, comes with the Boundaries in Marriage, the Particpant's Guide and the Instructor's Guide.
http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.gsp?product_id=1813624&sourceid=1500000000000000040820 Boundaries Groups:
overcomersoutreach.org
Overcomer's Outreach Boundaries Groups celebraterecovery.com
Celebrate Recovery Boundarie Groups Lecture Reservations:
newlife.com
1-800-new life
I am posting to you because you seem to be interested in getting H back in line, to be a good father to your unborn child. Perahps you could focus a discussion of your feelings on naming your child. You could ask for a legally binding agreement covering the name of the child. Have you determined the sex of your unborn child? The more you can discuss upcoming issues with an open mind, the more you can build some trust you need to get H back.
I fouind a suit I liked at a clothing store. I just asked them to hold the suit. I came back with my wife yesterday, and my wife was not 100% sold. I have not yet bought the suit. My wife does not have strenuous objections to the style of the suit. I need a suit, as the pants for my current suit are fraying in the seat. I engaged my wife in a discussion of an upcoming issue, with an undecided mind. The Sale ends today, and I don't know what I will do, as I don't have full POJA, but my egaging my wife in planning illustrates a constructive dialogue about an upcomiong decision.
Blessings
<small>[ April 25, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Whaler ]</small>
