One week into Plan B.

To say the least it's been strange.

A small peep, through MIL, on Saturday, when WW recieved the PBL and returned home to an furnitureman-free house. "Why didn't you tell her in advance?" Riiiiggghhhtttt.....

Talked to MIL/FIL. Explained in full MB speak, that I loved WW, and wanted to be married, but did not want the pain to destroy me, etc. I did not want to be the cause of K's unhappiness, did not want to be the negative influence in her life that she had percieved me to be, loved her enough to let her go, explained in detail the PBL, etc. It was a good talk, I believe. They understand where I'm coming from, and what I believe in. They said they are proud of me and the way I've handled it. I think that they will be able to explain my position to her if she asks (and she can't understand the PBL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

She is at our house, which I know she can't (or barely) afford. (I can't either, by myself) But this is what she chose, right?

I wonder about her, wonder if she's doing okay. I wonder if she misses me, thinks about me....

I know Plan B is right, as she was not responding to Plan A. It's just tougher than I thought it would be. I know these feelings will fade, but it isn't easy......

As far as me goes, I'm doing great. I have a job interview this afternoon, that I hope I can land. I'm in the best physical condition of my life. I have discovered a spiritual side of me that I knew was there, but I had never uncovered. I move into my own place on May 1, and I'm actually looking forward to it. My IC said she was absolutely amazed by the patience, understanding and forgiveness I have shown both my WW and the situation at hand. Lots of positives, lots.

But I miss my WW (or my W I guess.) And I don't know if she'll ever come back. That saddens me. Can I "do better?" Who knows. I know I can fall in love again, but I want my W by my side. She made me happy. I have found so much strength, independence and happiness within myself and that will only benefit me. But I still miss her.

Plan B vets, is this to be "expected"? Please tell me that this will get better with time.

Ethan


Today's Pearl Jam song, from 2003's "Lost Dogs"

Other Side

it's not the same without you up here
can't find my wheels
your absence is what breeds this fear
warm breath and all it steals
you can't know how it feels to be in here
all the dark horse fields, befriendin' me
playin' ain't the same without you here
we've come to hate the golden rule
cannot seem to make the dots connect
the morning light don't show you near
you can't know what it's like to bleed from here
the blackened world grows white, it goes nowhere
oooh hoo..
death ain't the same without you, dear
i make the others run and hide
new york streets seem to make it worse
all this noise inside the quiet
i can't hold on, the weight you bear
my body's broken fast, please lift me up
you can't know what it's like to be inside
the fading melodies can't beat my need
i'm not the same without you here
how can i quit to be there
sit and stare
stare..
begging for a prayer

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wonder about her, wonder if she's doing okay. I wonder if she misses me, thinks about me....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ethan I will be on week 2 tomorrow and I still wonder this but not as often as I did the first week of Plan B. It get's better as you go along I guess, some days are better then others. One thing I've found is if you want to call her and talk to her call your friends or family and talk to them instead this will help you get through those times, that's what I did and it worked for me. So that's my 2 cents worth, I'll let you know how it is the third week. Hang in there Ethan, we do this because we love them so much.

i've been wondering how you were doing and was even going to do a post to you today but didn't get around to it before you did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i don't have any real words to say but that i'm so glad that your IL's said what they did and that you are doing what is needed. wish you the best of luck on the job interview. i'm having to start looking for a place myself. like tinman said, we do this because we love them. especially glad to hear about your "new found" faith because you never can go wrong w/that. continued prayers to you.

I was curious as to what your IL's response was. I'm so glad to hear it was positive. I knew you'd be able to explain your intent! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm praying this is the wake-up call your W needs and that the outcome will be the one you desire.

Hang in there, you are doing well.

~ad

Thanks to all for the kind words.

I don't think I will have an issue about picking up the phone and calling her. In fact I know I won't. I certainly have no desire to return to where I was. She will have to respect my boundaries to return.

But no amount of boundaries, respect or anything else will take away from the fact that I miss HER.
I don't miss SF, having someone to hang out with, somebody to wake up with (I don't doubt I could fill these voids fairly easily), I miss HER. And I have let go in so many ways, but I can't force myself to not miss her. That is the hardest part right now.

I had this utopian vision of Plan B clarity. Yet I find myself still wondering if I'll ever see or talk to her again. That's tough. I guess it's just typical BS impatience.


Ethan

You are going to feel better and better the longer this goes on. I have been in mostly Plan B since September, and my days get better and better. Also Plan B will really change you.

still sending continued prayers your way. wish we didn't have to be where we are at in our lives but we are. hope that you had a "good" night and that today will be "good" as well. how did the job interview go?

Just a note of encouragement: I was in Plan B for three weeks - an absolutely perfect Plan B. My WH is now home. He said that he thought of me and missed me everyday. He said he missed our life together and was really affected because I had shut him completely out. I am sure your wife is feeling the same things. There are plenty of Plan B success stories out there - just check out the Recovery Board. Hopefully I will feel comfortable enough sometime to call myself a Plan B success (right now it is too soon and we are still having problems - check out my recent post "Plan B...WH Returns...Struggling with NC and Withdrawal") Tinman had a good suggestion - call family and friends when you are feeling low and keep busy. Stay strong in Plan B. Best of Luck!

snh,
Thanks for the reply. I guess stories like yours are the glimmer of hope I look for.

I've ridden the "coaster" the past few days...
Not all bad, but I thought Plan B would get me off the rollercoaster?

Anyway.....
I spoke with MIL (our Plan B intermediary) yesterday, regarding financial stuff. Frighteningly enough, WW called while I was talking with MIL, to ask about the exact same thing. As much as I didn't want to, I slipped into asking MIL about WW welfare, school, financial, etc. (It was pretty brief, I'm not supposed to ask, am I?) The one nugget that I gleaned from conversation was that OM is providing zero financial support to WW. This agitates MIL, (she refers to him as "that other boy" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , she doesn't call him by name....), and I would have to think this must get to WW in some manner. MIL also told me how proud she was of me. So that helps.

But, I felt kinda wierd about the whole thing. I mean I was sad that $$$$ were tight for WW and I couldn't help, but for the most part, I was pretty indifferent. Instead I was focused on all the fun stuff I have coming up. Check out my itinerary for the next while:

Sat: Move into MY townhouse, invited to BBQ by a friend that I play basketball with (new friends...oooohhhhh)
Sun: PGA Tour event in New Orleans. All day.

5/8: 5K run
5/9: Mother's Day

5/15-5/16 Weekend "off" (but maybe a trip to Biloxi, MS!)

5/22 Weekend. Crazy. I have a friend that is graduating college, so I'm sure there will be events that weekend.

Memorial Day 5/27 - 5/31. Flying to Albuquerque, NM for the birth of my nephew. I am also running a 5K, while I'm there....

6/8. Another 5K.

6/19. Trip to Jackson, MS to see one of my favorite bands - Live. (That's the name of the band....)

Whew.

And oh yeah, the big one. I have decided that I am going to the World Cup in Germany in 2006. I am going to start saving for the trip.

And of all these fun things that I have going, I haven't really thought about NOT having my WW with me. Indifference.

So I guess the coaster is pointed up right now. I'm sure it will plunge again.

I hope it settles down pretty soon!

Ethan


Pearl Jam song of the day, 4/28/04
"Long Road" from the Merkinball EP, 1995

And I wished for so long. Cannot stay.
All the precious moments. Cannot stay.
It's not like wings have fallen. Cannot stay.
But still something's missing. I cannot say, yeah.

Holding hands are daughters and sons.
And their faiths are falling down, down, down, down.
I have wished for so long. How I wish for you today.

Will I walk the long road? (the long road) Cannot stay. (the long road)
There's no need to say goodbye. (to say goodbye)

All the friends and family.
All the memories going round, round, round, round.
I have wished for so long. How I wish for you today.

And the wind keeps roaring. And the sky keeps turning grey.
And the sun is set. The sun will rise another day.

I...

I have wished for so long. How I wish for you today.
I have wished for so long. How I wish for you today.

Will I walk the long road? We all walk the long road.
Will I walk the long road?
Will I walk the long road?

Ethan glad to see you have a schedule and a lot of things to keep you busy. Keep strong in your Plan B, your doing good so far.

glad to hear that your IL's are on your side. i've basically have come to know that i can't expect any support from my IL's and that is truly sad given the situation. that their inaction is indeed supporting my H. even SH said it "boggles the mind" in our session today. prayers to you.

Hi Furnitureman,

First off i want to thank you for your reply to my post. It was very helpful.I am sorry to say I probably dont have alot of advice for you but i just wanted to send my support. I myself am still in the "trying to figure out what is up stage" of my situation. It seems to me though that you appear to be moving in a positive direction and that is good to hear.

P.S I saw that roughroad posted to this thread as well so if you read this roughroad... Thank you too for your thoughts and advice.

clp,
Thanks for the thoughts. For right now, I am working on moving myself forward, and improving my faults. That is something that benefits me, no matter which way this goes.

And for right now, at least until something changes with my WW, advice, I would imagine, will be needed and asked for very little. I've certainly asked for enough since I've been here.

It has been a challenging road for me, particular finding that my WW has had 3 A's within our first 2.5 years of marriage. Her first began about 3-4 months into our M. If you get frighteningly bored, you can read my story . It begins roughly one week pre D-Day #2 and 3. You can see how I have come from being really lost to a whole he!! of a lot closer to found in about two months. In some ways, it's different from other stories, but in most ways, it isn't. I actually found peace in that.

It well get better, with time. Just hang in there and stay here. You'll find help.

Good Luck,
Ethan

Hey Ethan...you are doing well. Sounds like you will be the next Plan B poster child. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And from the "spoken to soon" category...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And for right now, at least until something changes with my WW, advice, I would imagine, will be needed and asked for very little. I've certainly asked for enough since I've been here.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And here I am......

Maybe this is my tendency to overanalyze things. Anyway, WW calls MIL (intermediary) and wants to know if I want our living room furniture. Why? Of course the furniture also comes with a monthly note, and cutting her expenses is probably a priority. But why not sell it? Who knows. I do like the furniture a lot. (Kinda why we picked it out, when we bought the house last Sept <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) I really don't want to add any additional expenses right now. However, my financial "irresponsibilty" was a major LB for my W. Could she be testing me with this? Just a thought.

I think too much.

Ethan

<small>[ April 28, 2004, 08:35 PM: Message edited by: thefurnitureman ]</small>

Finally got the opportunity to call MIL back re: the furniture. (Sorry, Team USA had a soccer match on TV last night. One must have priorities, no?)

She only spoke briefly about the furniture, saying that WW said she likes it as well, but will have to move it into storage. WW wanted to see if I wanted it for my place. I simply told MIL that I would think about it, but I probably wouldn't want to add any additional expenses for another month or so. Left it at that.

There was an interesting part to the conversation, however. MIL told me that her son (WW's brother, duh..) was upset that I was getting my own place, and was upset/depressed about the whole sitch in general. She thought that maybe I could talk to him or whatever, show him that I'll be alright, try to bring him up, etc. He's a good (but a tad nerdy, but who isn't to some extent) kid. He just broke up with his 1st GF, and sees me and WW breaking up, etc. He's been through a lot. MIL left his dad (H #2) about 4 years ago. Now, admittedly H2 was a dip****, and the guy that she married is a great man, but I can see how that must have been a hard thing for him. H2 tried to do the every other weekend thing for a year or two, but hasn't done much with him for a while. He sends CS at random, he's a "great dad." But I can also see how it would be difficult for him to attach to H3....

BIL is 16, and apparently looks up to me quite a bit. This in some ways puts me in a really wierd spot. I feel for the kid, and don't mind doing whatever I can to help him out. But how does this fall with my Plan B? I remember Just J talking about my WW being a serial cheater, and that I should disappear from her life. I'm really OK with that, but it puts me in a wierd spot for things like this, b/c I know that BIL and SIL, 19 (who is her own barrel of fun, another story for another day) both look up to me a lot. I want to do whatever I can to help them, to be something that they aspire to.....but, you see where I'm going with this.

MIL sounded pretty upset when I talked to her this morning. I offered to take BIL to see Van Helsing next weekend. She said he wanted to see it and that would be good. I think for the first time, some after effects, shockwaves from all this are starting to be felt. And surprisingly, not by me.

Any thoughts on any of this ramble?

Thanks,
Ethan

Haven't been around much lately, been busy moving myself (divorce in process), but I just wanted to say that I'm impressed - you're doing such a good job with Plan B, and I'm glad to hear you're doing well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FHL!

Good to hear from you. I was wondering how you were, just the other day.

Sorry to hear that things are headed in that direction, but keep your head up, you never know when/if something could change. Hang in there.

On a separate note, can ANYONE impart some advice as to my previous couple of posts? How can I handle these things and pull an effective Plan B. What impact can these things have on my sitch?

Thanks,
Ethan

That is a hard one. Because, in all reality, if you D, had separate lives, eventually remarried, would you hang out with her family? Some people are close enough with their extended family to definitely say yes to that question.

I feel for those younger ones, and it would be compassionate to reach out to them and continue to maintain those relationships. But it is not your responsibility to shape their lives.

I just do not have a good answer. My heart tells me to continue in your relationship with the family, but, I don't know what impact, either good or bad, that could have on your marriage.

Hopefully someone else has experienced and can share some insights! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

well i don't know that i'm more experienced, in fact, i don't think i have any but when i was reading the last couple of posts it reminded me of a few things that SH has said to me w/regards to my IL's and what my H would perceive. Now granted, we are in different situations, my IL's are basically supporting my H even if it's through their inaction and none of them have called me since DDay. anyway..........your WW might see your involvement w/her family as a way to control or manipulate her. i don't personally see any harm to it, especially since you guys have not D yet and hopefully it won't come to that.

maybe you could just slowly try to disconnect w/them? i don't know because maybe that would be more painful in the end? again, like you said this is a awkward place or situation for you to be in and wish you much strength and wisdome deciding what you need to do. keep up the good work and prayers to you.