Hello Guys,

Well, where to start?? I started making postings under the heading "Just Found Out" String "Will Anybody Talk to Me?" Intiatlly, I got some pretty good input, however that dwindled off to the point where I was only getting dribbles of advice and input. Somebody suggested if I post here, that I should get a lot more response.

Just to recap...Been together over 27 years and married 20. One daughter 17 graduating high school this year. I was out of the country on business in Feb and for some STUPID unknown reason, I went to a bar started drinking to the point that my guard was not just down, it was non-existant. Met someone, didn't talk very much but ended up a ONS. Don't know her name, no way to contact her or anything else about her. I passed out, she left and I haven't seen or heard from her since.

Overwhelmed with guilt to the point I couldn't eat for several days, found this web site, posted notes under "Just Found Out" and was advised that I couldn't go home without telling my W. Convinced that this was the best thing to do, still convinced because I really love her and was proud that we have been together for so long without anything like this happening. I travel a lot, so the opportunity was probably always there. Anyway, I told her about the ONS the night I got home. She was devistated!!! And, as many others have posted..it's been a terrible rollercoaster ride ever since. She physically beat me for days and nights, she drowned the hurt with alcohol and then would get violent. I never left and she didn't either, thank God!!! We started counseling with a couple of Pastor counselors and a drug and alcohol counselor. A few weeks ago though, she had been drinking and took an overdose of medication. I had to call the ambulance and she stayed in intensive care overnight and was transferred to the psych unit for a couple of days following. (No insurance and neither of us employeed currently. The business trip was a short term contract that ended when I returned. Needless to say, that put a little of extra stress on us both.) Anyway, THANK GOD that she is alright, no organ damage from the overdose and we seem to be working through things some. She hasn't worked for a number of years and is pretty dependent on me and pretty demanding of my time. Any time I am home and on the computer, working, or talking to anybody else is a sore spot with her. Our pastor said "She just wants your heart!" And I really want to give it to her, but how and still accomplish my responsibilities?? I love her very much, but when I am in my office at home I don't play on the computer, I don't play games, I don't golf, I don't go fishing. Most of my time is consumed looking for work, trying to juggle our bills or trying to learn something new to improve my marketability. How do I give her the QUALITY TIME and make her realize that that is her time. I have to be honest, that is really hard for me and am probably not very good at it. Go ahead, beat me....BUT please also give me some input as to how to give her the quality time she seems to crave. I'm open to all suggestions from any of you who have already been through this. I am so very sorry for what I've done, I've confessed, repented and am ready to move on with the healing that I know will take time.

Thanks in advance.

ok---your in counseling---great. what else have you done to make her feel safe. does she have access to your computer to prove you arent e-mailing anyone? maybe a keystroker program to make her feel safe when you arent "available". this is all pretty normal for bs's. we freak when the ws is at work. unfortunately your home to see her freek. she needs reassurance and extra safety measures. it is a pain in the but now, but it will save you tons of hearache down the road.

so what have you done to make her feel safe?

I've offered to let her look at all e-mail and everything I do on the computer, but because I use the computer in my profession I think she has chosen to boycot it. As a result, she will not even learn how to sign on to the computer, much less monitor my email. She has insinuated that though. How would you suggest I go about making her feel safe about my time on the computer?? I haven't traveled since the incident, but I'm really concerned about what is going to happen when I do have to travel again. I don't have a problem checking in regularly. Whatever it takes to make her feel safe.

Thanks for the input.

Hello guys!!! Anybody else out there been through this before?? She keeps on saying she's having dreams about my ONS and wakes up mad. I think I am doing everything I can to reassure her that I've learned my lesson and can't believe that I could've been so stupid!!

ididit, I'm not on your side of the fence but I'll try to offer some support. You've got a lot of things in your favor. Long history, no further contact and ONS with no emotional attachment. I am not minimizing your W's pain but it could be even worse. The time you spend improving yourself isn't paying the bills. You need to shuffle your priorities and make the necessary time available. It doesn't sound like it will cost you money but only opportunity or potential opportunity. That is an intangible and your W's need is not. Put the time and effort into that concrete investment; your M. Then try to bring her into your world and heart. Explain to her calmly that you are trying to learn from this board what she is going through. Perhaps she's a drama queen and really needs to see you grovel. But again I'm not trying to minimize her pain. My W had a ONS almost 3 years ago and I'm still here trying to put the pieces back together. But try to bring her to this board and show her posts that may comfort her.

I'm sorry you haven't been getting the responses you expect. But hang in there and keep posting, something will catch fire and you'll get some good dialogue going here. There are some real heavy weights around here that you may be able to lure into a discussion sooner or later. It does get better and I would say your situation looks pretty promising based on what I said earlier.

WOE

Assuming that your wife isn't a drama queen (and if she is, then I've no idea what to suggest) I would say that it sounds like she doesn't feel secure in your marriage. I don't think it's because of the ONS either.

I would advise you read more on this site. Particularily the secions regarding 'emotional needs' (ENs) by printing out the questionaires and filling them out together, you will not only get an easy to follow, concrete plan of how to make her happier (which is always good for us men) but you will be dealing with her insecurities on a more fundemental level.

As an added bonus, your marriage WILL grow stronger, which is always a good thing.

dewt

She hasn't worked for a number of years and is pretty dependent on me and pretty demanding of my time. Any time I am home and on the computer, working, or talking to anybody else is a sore spot with her. Our pastor said "She just wants your heart!" And I really want to give it to her, but how and still accomplish my responsibilities?? ... Most of my time is consumed looking for work, trying to juggle our bills or trying to learn something new to improve my marketability.

First off, good job on being in counseling for both the M and the substance abuse.

A couple of observations. Your pastor is right, she does just want your heart. So you have to find out what that means TO HER. To me, it might mean I want flowers and a card occasionally. To someone else, it might mean they want a golf companion.

From what you wrote, it sounds to me like financial support and "time" are important to your W. Maybe that "time" is conversation, maybe it is recreational activities, maybe it is doing stuff as a family. As someone else suggested, the Emotional Needs questionnaire will help you pinpoint her most important needs. That way the time you DO spend with her will be time that she FEELS. She will feel like she has your heart IF you are putting your efforts in the right places. Only SHE can tell you what those places are. You can work your fanny off but if you're doing what YOU think would make her happy instead of what really makes HER happy, you're wasting your time. You may as well be doing nothing.

I'd go one further, though, and suggest you read either "Surviving an Affair" or "His Needs, Her Needs" -both are by Harley and both discuss the ENs. That will give you a good understanding so you can answer the questionnaires more accurately and also better put to use the answers your spouse provides you.

Another good book is "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate", by Gary Chapman. It's an easy read and shows you how to talk to your W in a way that sounds like love to her. For example, her language might be touch, in which case holding her hand on a walk, giving her a massage, brushing her hair - all would fill her heart up and make her feel loved. However, her language might be words. In that case, little surprise notes, or cards in the mail, or a poem you struggle over will have great impact.

Finally, it sounds like you feel pulled a million ways (bills, marketability, job hunting) and she feels neglected. Read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation with your wife, and then sit down and TOGETHER come to agreements over where you (both) should spend your time. Perhaps she could take on paying the bills. Perhaps she'd enjoy the diversion of a part time job. Perhaps she could help you send out resume's or scan the want ads. The important thing is that you reach these decisons *together*, in an environment of safety and encouragement, and that you are BOTH enthusiastic about them.

Thanks for the replies guys. I'm starting to wonder if that ONS wasn't just the final nail in the coffin (our marriage). True it was me that did it!! True, it was terribly wrong and I knew it was wrong!!! True, if we are to get over this it's going to take a lot of time and hard work. I'm just wondering if she can ever let it go and move on with our lives and our marriage. The hard work has to come from both sides, not just one.

I've tried to make sure she knows how much I love her, AND show her. BUT, she continually brings it up and we're back to square one. Yesterday our daughter graduated high school. That was a happy day for both of us, but she was upset that I was trying to get pictures of our daughter graduating instead of "sharing that time and celebrating" with her. We let our daughter go out and stay out later than she ever has and kept checking in on her via cell phone. She was suppose to be going to graduation parties, but it seemed odd to us that each time we called her there was no loud music or people talking in the background. We both felt she was with a boy that we neither approve of (that's another long story), BUT we told her that we trusted her. When I checked in on her at 3:00am, I asked where she was. She said she was over at her girlfriend's house watching a movie. Since she graduated also, I asked to speak to her to congratulate her also. She then said she was asleep. I asked where she REALLY was and she maintained that she was at her girlfriend's house. I told her to come home right then and she did. When she got in the house, my W started telling her how dissappointed we were because we knew where she was. HERE's the kicker though.....When my W was saying how dissappointed she was and how much it hurt her to think that she was being deceived by our daughter, she made a statement the "YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN YOUR DAT IN DOING WHAT HE DID." Well, that completely shut me down. There went my parental authority right out the window. What else could I say??? We sent our daughter to bed and my W cried herself to sleep. I tried once to hug her and console her, but really didn't have any desire to at that point because I felt she had degraded me again in front of our daughter. True, she is needy and insecure in our marriage but I just feel that she will never let it go and try to move on with our marriage. Every time I go out of town, or anywhere that I would come in contact with women I just feel that she will be constantly mistrusting me. I know I have to prove that I am trustworthy again, but our problems didn't just come from the ONS. We had things brewing before and I remember reading on this site that typically when one spouse has an A, there is usually an underlying reason or an existing breakdown in the marriage before. I'm not trying to defer any of the blame from me, but until the ONS and since I think I have done just about as much as one spouse could do to show the other how much I love her. I recently spoke to a pastor who has known us for a long while and he even said that we had been somewhat disfunctional for quite a while. She has always been so insecure....maybe because of her past before our marriage but I'm just not sure I can handle the excess baggage anymore. I really hate to throw in the towel on 27 years, but I'm wondering if we both wouldn't just be better off. I don't know...just rambling now. Better go. Thanks for listening (reading) or whatever.

ididit -

Hey there. I posted to you a while back, when your DW was still physically attacking you. I am glad to hear that has dwindled, and stopped? Anyway, sorry she isn't moving along as quickly as you had hoped. Everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff like this, their own process. However, it is important to work toward moving past the ONS, and on with your M.

Your W sounds a lot like me before my H's A. I was a time and attention suck from him. For many years, when our DS's were very small, I lived through him, to some extent.

Anyway, before this A my H had, he had a ONS in Korea with a prostitute. Didn't know her name, never contacted her again, a lot like your case.

Fortunately, I was in a psychology class at the time, and we were learning about the studies done in the 50's and 60's, where people were tested (while they didn't know they were being tested), to see how far they would disipline people when told to do so by an actor in a white lab coat. It was amazing how many people did things they didn't know they were capable of doing, when put in these unique circumstances. I believe some of the studies were done to try and understand how the Holocaust happened - how were so many people convinced it was acceptable to kill someone for their religion, etc.

I really identified with that. People do things sometimes that they would normally never do. And they themselves probably don't understand it either.

Another thing that helped me, but is not for everyone, is by hearing exactly what happened. I had a romanticized version of the encounter in Korea in my head. She was sexy and erotic, it was passionate and exciting. Come to find out, it was very business-like. It was uncomfortable. She was not sexy or erotic, kind-of plain and just laid there like a doll. My H said it was horrible.

That made me feel better. But mostly, it just took the passing of time. Time time time. Sometimes I wish it away because I want to be healed more and faster.

But then I remember there are little nuggets of opportunity in each day for me to learn from. Sounds like this ONS could be the wake-up call in your M. Time for W to realize you are not perfect, not to put you up on a pedestal, and for her to grow up a bit. That's what I learned from my H's ONS.

I hope any of this helps. If you two truly can heal from this, your M will be that much stronger. That is the light at the end of all of our tunnels here at MB. The possibility of having more than we had before, not less.

Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS