lost and alone

Keep him at home. Plan A means filling his Love Bank. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair, and read it immediately. Until then, read all you can about the MB philosophy on this website, starting at the home page.

Your emotions will be going wild for a while. Your WH will be going through withdrawal, or seeking continued contact with OW. He will be waffling, or flipping back and forth between wanting to be with you, wanting to be with the OW, fighting sadness, grief, sorrow for what he's done, and trying to provoke you into Angry Outbursts, so he can continue to convince himself you are a "terrible wife", and justify wanting to live the fantasy of the Affair.

Get to your Dr. and get some AD's for yourself. Get a good pro-marriage counselor, and see him/her as soon as possible. Ideally, you should contact the Harley's, and counsel with them.

You need to fully understand Plan A and stay in it with a vengence. No Love-Buster's, no Angry Outbursts, no Disrespectful Judgements. Never, and I mean NEVER, judge or criticize the OW to your H. He will defend her, and it will cause you great pain.

Keep posting here, and asking for support, or answers to your questions. The people on this forum are wise, kind, thoughtful, and caring. They will help you through this. You can save your marriage, and perhaps end up with a better one.

Get SAA as soon as possible, because you cannot get through this without a plan. And the MB plan is as good as any, and better than most.

You caught a lucky break, in the OWH finding out and exposing. Make the best of it. I would recommend that you immediately, further expose the A to his parents, and close family members that will support you. It may seem like a major LB, and in a way, perhaps it is, but it's your number one weapon in bringing the affair to an end, and keeping it from starting up again.

Best wishes,

SD

I exposed the A to WH's mom shortly after d-day. She was totally shocked. She loves me like a daughter, but what can she do really? She has told him that she totally disapproves of his actions, and that he needs to grow up and behave like a married man and commit to his family. (BTW, WH's parents have been happily married for 45 years.) My parents are both deceased.

I have been toying with the idea of exposing the A to the symphonic band in which both WH and OW are members. This is also where they met and spend most of their time together. The band is comprised of very conservative, religious, judgmental types. I don't think they would condone WH & OW's behavior. There's even an outside chance they would be asked to leave the band. Problem is that I don't know these people. They may not even believe me. OW portrays the "good little Catholic wife & mother." I'm sorta hoping that OWH will make her quit the band now that he knows about the A. Normally, I wouldn't go for the controlling husband stance, but I'm making an exception.

Everyday I expect to hear that WH is moving out. I guess I just gotta deal with things as they transpire. THIS SUCKS!!!!!

All last week, WH was going back and forth between moving into this cheap apt he found or staying home. One minute he was moving out, the next minute he wasn't sure he really wanted to. As WH, our daughter, and I were driving to the mall Saturday morning, WH's cell phone rang. It was the apt people where he wanted to move. They had just leased his apt to someone else, because they hadn't heard from him. WH was furious. Of course, somehow this was MY fault. He sulked the rest of the weekend.

I know WH and OW are still talking on the phone every day. She is still telling him that she is staying w/ her husband, but she is keeping WH on a short leash by telling him she still loves him. WH will never get through withdrawals as long as they keep this up. I'm not sure I should continue to let him live w/ us while he continues contact w/ OW. Enough really is enough! I've been in Plan A for over 3 months now. Should I continue in Plan A?

Enough really is enough! I've been in Plan A for over 3 months now. Should I continue in Plan A?

It sounds to me like you are getting to where a good solid Plan B might save your marriage.

If you are truely in an "enough is enough" place... as is your 15-year old... that says it all about your emotional well-being going downhill.

If your Plan A has been steady, with LB's few and far between.... 3 months is a good amount of time to invest before starting a strong Plan B.

If the OW and WH are in daily or even occasional contact... the recovery is IMPOSSIBLE ... because he's getting his addiction needs met.

Sooo

Start getting your Plan B ducks lined up.

Exposure about the continued contact is a must. OW's H needs to know about the calls. It's an ongoing A for sure. Call him, let him know.

Get your finances in order, protect your assets. See an attorney for the legal ways to do this. Be sure your D gets her financial needs met before anyone else.

Begin to compose your Plan B letter .... put it on the forum in a NEW thread so others can help you compose a "killer" PBL.

You can do all of this over the next 2 weeks.... give yourself some time to get all you need to do in order.... and you can "pull the trigger" on your Plan B if it becomes necessary.

It just works better if you make it smooth by pre-planning.

Pep