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Joined: Apr 2004
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WAT -

I am not sure that communicated my changes. There were a lot of issues in our relationship and I have seen a counselor and dealt with some of these. I am a different person. I used to have a bad temper, which I have learned to control and my WH has said he sees improvements. I also had issues in other areas that I have changed. He was not willing to let me show them to him though. He was still stuck in the affair. I have expressed to him my desire to change the things that have been problems but he was unwilling to make a plan.

I am hoping OW will write the letter but I am not sure if her H will let her. He is a very different man. I am hoping that my WH sister will be able to help him realize that he is giving up everything for a OW he can't have. He quit his job, lost his family, his home, everything. He just needs to see he is going to hit bottom.

Plan B sounds so scary right now. Not that I talk to my WH much anyway but wow. I feel like I am doing so much damage to him if I do that. Weird how we still worry about WS even after they have hurt us so bad.

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Hey there. Please don't try and read my whole story. Good grief. I am incredibly long-winded, and I posted A LOT! There is simply not enough time for all of that.

So, Reader's Digest version. FWH had A with my single mother supposed BF. As soon as H told me of the A, she felt "betrayed" and dumped him for another boyfriend. H had a mental breakdown on D-day, told me in the ER. He spent a week in a halfway house, lived with his parents for a month, then got his own apartment a couple blocks from our home and lived there for 3 months.

I cannot tell you how many times H told me he wanted a D. We have to DS, 11 and 12. We were all devestated by H's behavior. BUT, H continued pursuing and "loving" this HW (homewrecker). H and I were in MC, and he walked (stormed) out on the third session. We were both in IC, as well. After storming out of MC, he was positive he wanted D, and went to his IC appointment that day convinced that he was going to the courthouse next.

Instead, his IC invited me to their next session, as he explained it, to "help H on a deeper level."

This man is now our MC and has been for over 2 months. After 3-4 sessions, H was pursuing me, then moved back home. We have closed out his lease on his apartment, moved him back in, and are leaving for Disneyland in 19 hours. So, never give up, never surrender!

In fact, the sushi lunch Believer talked about, when H told me he wanted the D (again), was about 2 weeks before he moved back in. Point being, the things going on in the BS's head and what you see, are often not what is going on at all.

Does that make sense? Anyway, HW's S is in H's patrol in Scouts, and I know I will have to see her eventually in that way. I still want to poke her eye out, but I'm hoping that time will heal that for me.

My H now doesn't think he could have worked through everything without the help of his IC. Having a neutral third-party. For my H, he just got more and more convinced he was doing the right thing the more people told him how wrong he was, to include relatives and friends.

H said that once he sat back and stopped feeding his feelings with energy, the feelings he had for her just melted away. He had to put in huge amounts of energy to maintain his fantasy, to justify his actions.

I remember one of the first major breakthroughs we had, H was driving our van, we were all piled in to go on a hike (H and I were just being friendly, starting to do things together with the boys, platonically), and H said, "You know, I realized last night, that it takes a lot of energy for me to have the feelings of love I have for her, and I remember when I loved you it didn't take any energy at all."

WOW! I smiled and nodded, and on the inside I was doing a dance and laughing and jumping for joy.

To get to this point, I did as you have done. I tamed my temper. I deal with my anger now, I do not throw it at him. If I feel uncontrollable anger, and it is usually something that nobody can help me with, I exercise. Run, walk, gym, whatever.

I had to realize that what is done is done. H cannot undo it, and I don't want a man who lives under a cloud of shame and guilt and unhappiness his entire life. I want to enjoy each day I have with him now. I express my feelings to him in "I" statements, not "You" statements.

A strong, happy, communicating marriage is my best defense against this destructive mess happening in my life again. That is my goal.

Please post back with questions or clarifications or anything you want to know. I hadn't been to the boards regularly for a long time. Then, one of my H's friends at work just confided to us yesterday that his W has left him and their two small children and has been living with OM (her boss) for 6 weeks. These are clients of mine, and I noticed their spare bedroom was being used by one of them, and I was suspicious. Dr. Harley says the reason people want a separation (even though they say to "clear their head, think, figure things out," etc.) is for the sole purpose of creating a way to spend more time with OP. When I found out she wasn't living there, I was afraid she was having an A, and she is.

I talked to the man (the BS) yesterday at my H's work. He is devastated. He has lost weight. He is scared, confused, hurt, feels he is in an alternate reality. And talking with me yesterday really helped him. And I realized that there were lots of people over here that could use some hope from someone who stuck with the program, and had a positive outcome.

There is hope. I believe you and I are the same in that recovery is possible sooner, since the A is not ongoing - as far as you know. My H told me she had another boyfriend, but I didn't 100% believe. How could I? They both double-talked me and lied to me for months.

Anyway, see how long-winded I am? It is a tragedy. I need to take a brevity course. Less really is more, I just haven't figured it out yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS

ps, did you want to know about my Plan A and B? If so, I'll try and post about that later. I have to go to the gym now. So much happiness has made SS gain back 10 (lost 3 so far) of the 30 pounds she lost. SS's cute new clothes are getting tight! Oh no! I am also posting on Recovery to a fitness/weight loss support group Chorus started over there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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SS -

Thanks for the story. It sounds so much like mine. My WH has saw a lawyer though but he has not followed through. His whole family and all of our friends are telling him he is making a mistake. I can see the toll this has taken on him and all he has lost and I just feel sad for him. OW is rejecting him now and I am sure he is hurting and needs to deal with all the stinky fog. He sounds like your husband. Having a nervous breakdown...quit his job, is living with his sister, has no money, no opportunities right now, is going to lose his truck if he does not do something...Amazing all they will give up because of this A.

I would love to know about your Plan A/Plan B. Did you actually go to Plan B, when and for how long?? My husband is still waivering obviously but I seriously think the affair is over, just not in his mind.

BTW - Thanks you so much for your support everyone. It is nice to have everyone's support and SS it is great to have someone who has stuck with the program and had it worked out (and your story is so stinking similiar to mine) What is up with those BFs??

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Ok I am bumping this up with more information because I am so stressed right now. We all know that my husband changed the password to the cell phone account so that I could not check the accounts, well I did not post it here because I still had the new password and I did not want him to know. So here I was thinking I have the password. I logged in last night to see if he had gotten the new invoice and he had not. I go to get in this morning and he has changed the password again. Ok well I wanted to believe OW that he had only called the two times (which he knows I know about) but why does he continue to hide things if he is being honest and not talking to her?? Maybe her whole thing last night was just a game to continue playing mind games with me. If they are still talking a NC letter from her will not do any good considering that she will just tell him she is doing it to throw me off their trail.

I am feeling so stressed about all this dishonesty that Plan B is sounding better and better to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

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MY OW told me on my first d-Day - 04/21/03 that she was going to keep away from him. On 07/20/03 I found an email from her, telling him she would meet him in Arizona while he was away on business. On 07/21, she called to tell me he was calling in sick & sleeping w/her. Again she would keep away from him. She went on to say he was lying to her as well as to me.

Then on 11/10/03 she said she wanted nothing to do w/ him, didn't respect him, etc. But on 04/29/04 I found a text message to his cell phone from her. Point is do not trust either one. I enabled him to continue talking to her. I plan Aed way to long = almost 14 months. I begin Paln B on June 1st - but every story is different.

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Well it is stressing me out not knowing what to do. I want to believe she is sincere but all the signs from my WH point to the fact that they are still talking. Why did she call me last night to do this whole apology thing then?? I was hoping she would write him a NC letter however I believe that even if she did now she is probably talking to him and telling him it is not true. She told me she did not respect him either. A member of our church and can lie like no tomorrow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It is like a sick little game and you know after awhile you get tired of playing.

SS I would still love to hear more about your Plan A/Plan B. I am interested also in if Mel has anything to say about my husbands actions. Do you keep in Plan A when husband is still stinking lying about all his frickin actions?? Here I sit crying in MICHIGAN (the no fault divorce state) <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

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Hope, at this point in your situation, there is no reason for you to snoop on him. He really doesnt have to hide anything because he has moved out with the threat to divorce. Snooping achieves nothing right now because he has made no promise to work on your marriage and has basically vacated his vows.

I would focus on Plan A for right now in order to bring him to a point where he WANTS to work on the marriage. Hopefully, that will attract him back.

So please just stay the course and stay focused for now. I would also suggest calling the OWH and making sure he knows that your H has been trying to resume relations with his W and that his W called you. That will help keep him on guard.

Just hang in there and stay focused, ok?

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H&F -
I agree w/ ML - stay in Plan A. I did Plan A for a very long time w/ WH in the house. My snooping only caused LBs. My OW is quite manipulative. No one leaves her - stems from her father divorcing her mother when she was 2. She believes he left her. I wish I did not snoop so much - just caused alot of anxiety.

Do as ML said stay the course - its still new. After so many months, just me packing my things has lifted the fog for my WH. I am seeing old remenants of him. I am going to so a makeshift Plan B & get even stronger for ME & my daughter. I started working out at the gym - try that - 1) you'll start to see results w/in a few weeks & 2) it releases sooooo much stress.

Hang in there - believe me I have bad days far too often - I started Prozac today! Hope it helps!

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OWH knows about the two phone calls from my WH and he knows she called me. I heard him when she was talking to me. I will stay with Plan A and try to stop snooping. It is just so hard when he claims to not be talking to her when I am so sure that he is. Frustrating...I will have a few good days and then a few bad days.

WH and I had a nice talk on the phone tonight. He was very pleasant and upbeat and so was I. Just when I think he is talking to her he gets all pleasant and nice almost like he is normal again.

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OW is posting here. I just found a thread posted by her and it is all about our story. She is being sincere and she is here for support. This very much encourages me.

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My Wh just told me that it has been over two weeks since he talked to her - my OW - and he finally feels good. He said it was always difficult because he had to lie so much & he never felt good about himself. He has also said that she is no way better than me.

My fears were I thought he thought she was prettier, nicer, etc - his response was that she wasn't half the woman I was and no where nicer than me, that I was so much prettier, etc. He also said I am looking better than I ever did - so I guess Plan A works.

My WH would be grumpy when he talked to her - was almost belligerent. I should have known then there was contact, but I wanted to believe it was withdrawal. Sometimes it can be easier to believe what we want, see what we want when you love someone. Working on me in Plan A has given me much more self-esteem - something I lacked before A.

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where?

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<small>[ May 13, 2004, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: hope&faith ]</small>

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I read that this morning & wondered - nice response you sent her. What a small world!

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I thought your reply was very good too.

Do you still have time to edit where it is?

Jenny

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I don't have time to edit it. Why would I want to edit it?? I thought it was a nice response. I think it is great that she has a found a place for support.

I am a very Godly woman and I believe with all my heart that we should forgive, we will never forget but everyone makes mistakes.

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Sorry I didn't mean edit your reply I meant edit out on this post where you said OW was posting. Aren't you worried she'll read this thread and know who you are?

Jenny

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I did remove that but I am sure she has already read this and can tell from the story who I am. I feel this deep sense of peace all of a sudden. Like no matter what happens if she truly is sorry then it is going to be ok. Is that weird??

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope&faith:
<strong>

I am a very Godly woman and I believe with all my heart that we should forgive, we will never forget but everyone makes mistakes. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh dear, I am so touched by her genuine humility and your willingness to forgive, hope. I feel sooo reassured about your marriage after reading that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mel<-----can't stop grinning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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I feel very positive right now as well. Going to stick to Plan A and ride this out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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