Nikko,

I just want to give you a hug!{{{{{NIKKO}}}}}
I'm sitting here so sad for you. I know how despair feels too... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It is agony.

It may be hard....but ARK has some really really good suggestions for you! I would "fake" my happiness......like he is there~~~notice him and tell him little tid bits but don't include details.....Start going out! It doesn't matter if it's a 3 hr. sit in at Barnes and Noble!!!(coffee and 20 magazines!!!) whatever it takes!

Go out girl! if you hate the thought....drive to the near by river-lake-wherever! and sit....read, read, read, pray ~pray~pray!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If you have the money~~~~~ join a gym~ doesn't matter if you go~~it would make you feel better if you did....but it's a good excuse for an hour or two to get out of the house!!!

I know....when I am feeling the worst about myself.....I am feeling the worst about everyone. Do you need to have your hair done? lose a few pounds? what would make you feel better with your self??? For me, it's the fact I have been at home being the good wife.....cooking....baking....gained a few x-tra's I HATE!!!(makes me depressed)

So............curves (woman only workout) is great!!! and helps you release those pent up frustrations too!!!

When all is said and done Nikko, the thing to remember is YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!! weather H acts or thinks that!!!! YOU are God's creation just the way you are!! and HE loves YOU!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

okay--i am doing for me. ME ME ME ME!!!!!

NO I DONT TRUELY BELIEVE I AM THE REASON FOR THE AFFAIR AND I KNOW I CANT CONTROLL HIM. just wanted to get that straight! what i wanted to do was take every lousy excuse he had for not plugging in away. and ya know what---i did! so i have a clear concience in moving on.

now what have i done differently---well yesterday i went out to sprezzatura's house for awhile. then took the kids to the mall...talked to hubby--he had to find me on my cell pnone cause i wasnt home...answered the phone laughing, told him i was at the mall and probably wouldnt be home when he got there!!(YAY FOR ME--i was actually sitting alone on a bench when he called.) in any event he wasnt home when i got there and didnt come home for hours after. well topie called me and when he did finally walk in he had to come find me---i was in our bedroom laughing and talking. his dinner was un-cooked and on the counter---told him to light the grill and put it on for 3-4 min on each side. i never do that--always make sure he has dinner waiting. coo yer own--im having fun here! well while on the phone with topie---sprezzatura calls and now i am talking to her---ys comes up and tells me he is eating all my steak---hubbys way of saying get down here. so i tell him go ahead--i am having fun here and dont want to eat!!

how am i doing ladies. stayed upstairs and finished my talk then went down. he is not use to me not at least sitting with him during his dinner. i sat with him for a few minutes and he said nothing--watching tv---i then said--ya know what...from all i did today im tired---im going to bed...had a smirk on my face like i was thinking of something good that happened that day....

and got up and went to bed. he never came up--he usually sleeps on the couch---lucky if he is in bed 2 times a week. dont ask i have no idea why---been asking for years...anyway--got up...made coffee and whistled while i ironed. I HAVENT IRONED IN 10 YRS....so not only was i doing it---i was having fun and whistling while doing it.

how am i doing???

thats my update.

I think your doing GREAT!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Who knows, may be that you are on your road to self discovery and might actually find that you like yourself too much to hang with a sour-puss anymore!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Good for you. Life is but once....enjoy it!!!

I LOVE all you did....I was actually sitting her yanking my arm up and down going "YES" "YES"...Good for you girl!!!!

Blessings,
Atruheart
p.s. can't wait until he can't take it any more and finally asks what's up??? LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LOL!! I love it, Nikko! Of course, this still doesn't guarantee that he's going to get it or change. If anything - he may get all the more stubborn and be worse. But that's his problem.

His behavior seems so passive agressive - which is why I wondered if he's just subtly trying to get you to throw him out - rather than do anything himself.

Keep at it. You have chosen some specific behaviors to do completely the opposite of what you have been doing for YOU. I did the same. Very similar to yours.

I was always where he expected me to be and called him if I wasn't going to be there... or on time. I stopped that.

I always answered my cell or called him right back. Stopped that.

I quit asking him to come to bed... and stopped getting up in the middle of the night to get him to come to bed. (this was the hardest thing to do.)

I made plans to have fun & didn't ask him or include him.

I used to plan my life around him... and would get upset cause he didn't do the same... When I started the process, it took awhile, but eventually he admitted to feeling the effects. He noticed my "absence." Some times we have to give them the chance to miss us.

Sometimes we have to redefine our relationship's boundaries and begin a new dance to some different music. It doesn't mean we want a new partner.

Cali

WOW!!! NIKKO, IT WAS LIKE READING MY LIFE IN MEMOREX!!! I COULD HAVE WRITTEN WHAT YOU HAVE AND IT WOULD BE MY MARRIAGE TOO. I HAVE ABSOLUTE BEEN IN YOURE PLACE AND I STILL AM THERE 18 MONTHS SINCE DDAY, I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT MY VOWS . YES I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT BUT I JUST CAN'T BE THAT HURTFUL EVER TO ANYONE , IT HURT WAY TOO MUCH TO EVEN BRING IT UPON MY WORST ENEMY...HONEST AND I WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE THAT OW TO ANYONE'S H.. EVER NO NO NO . I WISH I HAD THE KEYS OR ANSWERS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR CUZ MINE ARE THE SAME ALLTHOUGH MY H HAS SAID HE LOVES ME AND WILL DO ANYTHING FOR ME!! INAGINE THAT .. HAA IT AINT HAPPENING NOTHING NOTHING HAS CHANGED SINCE DDAY ..EXCEPT MAYBE FOR THE SEX PART RIGHT AFTER DDAY FOR A FEW MONTHS . BUT NOW WE ARE BACK TO THE SAME OLE SAME OLE LUCKY IF IT'S 2 TIMES A MONTH..IT AINT WORKIN AND IT AINT BROKE SO NO EXCUSE!!!!

bump---update to come.......

BUMP ---- WHEN?

ok---was gonna do this yeaterday but got thrown a curveball as usual......

this weekend is garage sale weekend for our whole town. i decided this year i am going to do it---i dont usually. started tearing through the house collecting all the stuff to sell.(hoping to make enough for a plane ticket.hehehe) i decided to get rid of everything that remotely triggers me or reminds me of all this. like the first x-mas after d-day...when they dacided to be friends still......i hate looking at all the stuff i got that year...out it goes! it has taken me awhile to get here but i want it out. so i am tearing through the house and garage, hubby is helping and i start going through this box....in it i find the one and only....yes one and only love letter he has written me in 12 yrs. it starts off...

our love is like a rollercoaster...ups,down,twists and turns.(i allready want to puke, but keep reading...)it goes on to talk about our 7th anniversary--Lucky seven as he puts it! how i am his life and will love me and only me forever and ever...blach!

i just collapse....i hand him the letter and he starts reading it....gets this huge smile and grin on his face i just want to smack off.....he is soooo proud of himself....i ask--you dont get it do you? he just looks at me....this was during your affair you a$$!!! he deflates as well as me.

i come inside and just start sobbing. i allways held onto the fact that our marriage was so in the crapper at the time he at least never tried playing both of us. there were no i love yous, no feelings nothing. we only walked around trying not to fight. i guess i was wrong...he did try to play us both. i know this doesnt seem like much compared to what everyone else has gone through..but it crushed me.

then i realize.....he didnt write this. cupid and cherub stationary, not hand written-done on the computer....this didnt come from him at all!!! holy ****---the only time i get a love letter he is in an affair---then i realize he didnt write it at all.

needless to say you can picture the rest of our day....me hurt and him acting like nothing happened. just one more thing to add to the list of things i need to ignore...

so this morning i ask him "when you read that letter what were you thinking about---you had a really huge smile on your face.....Uh...nothing, i was trying to remember the circumstances for writting it." i then ask"who really wrote it, because after 12 years i know it wasnt you." i get the look, the look of oh shi& ive been caught. he then is trying like hell to get out of it....he never admitted it wasnt him..but didnt fight like hell cause it was.

i know it wasnt him. i just know it. so he is still lying to protect himself and to hell with me.

now for me.....i went out to an appointment alone yesterday...almost didnt come home but did. went to dog training with max, hubby also came. he dicided he was gonna handle max at class---that didnt go so well...max wouldnt listen to him. (i had to hold back the snicker...)so the trainer told hubby he better get with the program..he is only gonna get out of it what he puts in!!! boy arent those words to live by!
so i take over max and he is performing perfect again. i get real satisfaction out of that. he does love his momma!

thats it ladies---i have a client to go do this morning and then....who knows. hubby isnt talking and he isnt gonna be at work today---he has a training seminar in antoher town...he will call later. maybe i'll be here. maybe i wont......

I agree with Ark , about just presenting yourself to him as being at peace , not talking about the relationship etc.

Which in my case is becoming true. There is really only one need that I am missing out on , and the other day I read something where the woman advised the following;

That the BW suggest to her husband that they continue to have sex until she meets someone else (explaining that it might take time until she meets someone who she really cares for etc.) and that she would rather be with him in this way for the time being since he satisfies her so well and she enjoys sex with him so much...

Also to ask him if he could help her out by introducing her to some nice man, maybe he knows someone from work who is available...


Well, you get the idea, lol...bit of a wake up call, yes?


Shul

i'll have to think about that shul...LOL.

well today i am feeling better---went out to do a customer i do at home. she is a great lady and i love seeing her. always makes me smile. i then walked around a bit in the town she lives---quaint walking around area---lots of unique shops and "stuff". it was nice. came home---read a book for me---no relationship stuff---murder mystery. talked to a friend on the phone, picked up the pictures from vacation and tonight i went to a baseball game.

i'd say im getting out more!! hubby called to "check in". told me about his day and asked about mine---i told him i had a great day and was having fun.

asked if i could get a sitter for this weekend...sat night...i guess he wants to go out. (he knows i hate when he does this...if he wants to go out--then he should call a sitter. its a pet peve of mine.) so i will have to call the sitter---then i will get another call to make arrangements at a restaurant...you get the idea. i wanna just scream---DO IT YOURSELF!!! but i wont. so thats it for now...oh i did tell him i was thinking of going back to work. he kept asking about the bake shop i have...i am thinking of going back to what i do---hair---its fast easy money for me and will make me independant sooner. he was pushing the kitchen and i finally said i think i need to have a job that makes money for me. his answer was we can talk a bout this later. he'll never bring it up.....sooooooo

this is where i am...thinking of going back to my old profession for the money. any thoughts????

ok---as thought---he never brought it up.lol

this morning i asked him to read the stuff on passive/aggressive stuff that stillheremakingit posted to me. he read all i put up for him. finished walked out of the room and said nothing...went and got ready for work. kissed me goodbye and said have a good day....i answered---i am going to!

i am finally starting to live again...slowly but i am! the articles on Pas/Aggres have been an eye-opener for me. i am going to order some of the books they recommended. i am going to get my life back---hopefully he will to. but alas....that will forever be his choice.....

I'm glad Still posted that info for you. I thought it sounded an awful lot like how your husband was acting and reacting.

he actually told me later in the day that the boomerang article was dead on....but we would have to talk about it later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ---which just means we will never discuss it.
so now i have to figure it all out....and i know hes mad right now---called with 4 tickets to the yankee game for next tues...i asked what time is the game, its at 7 he thinks. ok we have a counseling appt at 4:15, so i figure we have time. he then goes on to tell me that we should leave around three. oookkkaaayyy- gently remind him we have an appt. his reaction is---oh shi#! sounds pisssy and tells me he will have to call and not accept the tickets. oookkkaaay---so if we dont leave when he wants we cant go.

i didnt stop him...hey, i would love recreational companionship as much as the next guy, and i love going to yankee games.....but not at the expense of counseling! so i didnt stop him.

he hasnt mentioned it since but im sure im in for a rash of passive/aggressive shi#!

oh well....