It's been awhile since I've contributed here. My WH wouldn't participate in the MB thing and the more I tried, the more it felt like all of my efforts were being taken for granted. So I LBd a lot and now I think I've lost him to her for good. I'm probably better off, but I'm very BITTER right now. I think there should be LAWS against infidelity! After all, isn't marriage a legal contract? I feel like what has happened to me is a CRIME and I don't want to just SUE him in a divorce.... I want them BOTH punished like CRIMINALS!

I don't know your story so cannot comment but generally speaking.
Doesn't sound like you have done a good Plan A from what you said about LB'ing. I hope that you will try much harder and that you are just in the dip of the roller coaster and so you are in a down momment.
It does go against our normal instincts to be positive thinking when something like this is hurting us terribly.
And for myself it took me a while to even get mad, such as how you speak in this post. I too, have reviewed the worst case scenerio and looked into the usage of adultry in divorce. Our state does have it as a means to use it, but it has little teeth. It has been described as something that the judge uses in possibly swaying him/her into leaning sympathetically toward the WS. But honestly I went there and attempt to avoid such consideration of divorce for me.
I hope your consideration and frustration is only temporary and that you will focus on a good plan A.
I struggle with Plan A, but I'm feeling stronger very very gradually. Focus on yourself and what you do have control of. Improve in your life what you can control.

KtF
In our state it is against the law. Jail time, fines. The BS can file against the WS only, not the OP, but it can be done.

Hopefully, you can get over some of your bitterness and Plan A H. You can do it. Be strong. Don't give up just yet.

MB Love,
KY-4

There are laws against infidelity... They're in the Bible.

And when judgement comes, it'll be a little more severe than a fine or some jail time.

I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear. But there's a point to it. Even if you are not a believer, you gotta admit that the Bible is full of wisdom and gives instructions for living a good life. As painful and horrible as an affair is for the betrayed spouse, I believe the cost is greater for the wayward.

Keep your head on, and your wits about you. Have faith in yourself to get through this and more importantly, find lessons within and grow. Keep the faith.

dewt

I really like Dewt's reply

For me judgment is here, and I am paying the piper. But I am thankful it is now, and that I have a chance to give back what I have stolen.

If not to her and that particular marriage, then to humanity, by being a decent, honest, loving child of God. And by not contributing to deceit.


Weaver

Yes, but breaking a legal contract is not a criminal act.

C.

....but you would agree that it's a breach of contract, right?

....that one could take civil action on to recover damages or the costs of not meeting the contract, right?

...and potentially including loss of property to cover the costs of not fulfilling the contract obligations, right?

There are a few states, mine being one of them, where the BS can sue the OP for Alienation of Affections for being in an affair with a married person.

<small>[ June 05, 2004, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

A civil action might ease the pain momentarily but in the long run I would think it would perpetuate the pain.

If you're looking for a restored marriage, even after the divorce, I wouldn't suggest looking into the Alientation of Affection statutes either, as it sets up a VERY adversarial situation.

I believe that everyone will "get what's coming to them" at some point. We may never see what it is either, but that doesn't mean it doesn't come. I would rather work on getting MYSELF right than pushing a punishment on others.

Yes, I am a former WW, but I was also a BW. I can't imagine forcing my ex or the OW to pay, and of course I don't want to be brought into court as the OW. I have punished myself more than anyone can imagine and will never be an OW again. I have to live with my actions and believe me that's a kind of punishment you cannot imagine if you haven't lived it.

I'm a former WH and yeah, everyone gets what's coming to them. Sooner or later, it comes.

Oh, and weaver I really liked your reply too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I had to write an email to OP's boss (my former boss) because he was using OP for message delivery to me through my W. In my email, I exposed affair and OP's role in my separation with my W, then asked him to treat her with love and forgiveness and help her to come to Christ. It was tough letter to write but I felt better about it than if I'd taken the vengeful route. That was months ago and I'm still glad that I chose that route rather than hate.

Years ago, someone posted here that "resentment and bitterness was like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

dewt

I'd like to have a little more of what ought to be coming to me - all my retirement pension!

Instead, I have to give some of it to my XW - along with all the other financial assets we had to split because she chose to have an affair, refused to work on our marriage, divorced me, and married her affair partner.

Sure, eventually she may get what's coming to her - along with what I believe she stole from me - by breaking the marriage contract. Why should I have to pay $$ for her infidelity along with the pain I and everyone else paid?

Any other schmuck who breaks a contract - say for not performing all the work he was to do - doesn't get paid for it because he didn't meet the obligations of the contract.

Pre-nup agreements ought to be part of every marriage. Play the role, pay the toll.

WAT

Tempting though the idea would be, one thing we've learned through human history is that it's impossible to effectively legislate morality. Making adultery illegal and punishable wouldn't stop it, any more than Prohibition stopped people from drinking.

Things that are illegal are not necessarily immoral, and vice versa. In law there's a distinction between things that are "mala prohibita" (wrong simply because they're prohibited) and those that are "mala in se" (wrong because they violate a precept of basic human morality and decency). For example, citizens have the right -- and, some would say, the duty -- to stand up against and refuse to obey unjust laws.

Legislating sexual morality is potentially dangerous. I'm of the view that anything sexual is okay, as long as there's genuine consent from all concerned parties, and nobody's getting hurt or exploited. That view permits homosexuality but prohibits sex with minors (for instance).

Despite my own experiences as a BS, I don't believe that infidelity should be punishable with a criminal sanction. I wouldn't have a problem with it being taken into account with respect to property division and so forth. I have no problem with there being certain forms of legal consequence. But nobody should be slapped with a criminal record just because they cheat on their spouse -- that's taking things too far, even for my taste.

<small>[ June 05, 2004, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: reservoirdog1 ]</small>

Hi Keepin' the Faith,

I am so sorry to hear your news...I had hoped that your H would work with you, but sometimes the more you try, the more they actually pull away...

I hope you find the strength and resolve to work through your bitterness...it is hard to do but remember that YOU are worth it...

like dewt said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> resentment and bitterness was like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">please take care of yourself...awed

Kpn the Fth,

NO, they never will make it a criminal offense. Nor should they???
Guess I agree that you can't legislate morality.


However, they DO NEED to put infidelity back into the mix as a Heavy consideration in the instance of Divorce.

Letting blatant adultery NOT influence a dissolution of Marriage is a Crime in and of itself.

Of course you can legislate morality. Prostitution is illegal in most states, and prostitutes are jailed and/or fined quite regularly, and sometimes the johns are as well. There are laws about gambling, drug use, when alcohol can bought - and the vast majority of these laws have nothing to do with public safety.

Infidelity IS illegal in a number of states, including mine, though it these laws are rarely enforced. A year or two ago I did read about a judge who threw the book at an adulterous couple, where the woman was in court on a custody or child support issue - and she and her OP ended up being carted off to jail, much to their surprise. Now if only judges in other states would follow suit.

Some states have legislation where infidelity is punishable, but remember that laws are interpreted by humans (judges) whose morals may or may not agree with infidelity being considered an offense. There are many countries where it is a very serious offense and the OP can be punished severely as well as the unfaithful spouse. Personally, I would never want any harm of any form for my spouse, but I would certainly would like to see the creep who gets involved with a married woman thrown in the slammer and the key be thrown away. The damage they cause is unmeasurable.