So I met the sparrow for dinner and she said nothing during dinner but her body language said it all.

After dinner she announced intentions to get an apartment with her sister and to get a divorce. She plans to support this adventure with some kind of part-time job until everything is official. She said she has maintained contact with OM who is also going to divorce his wife, and the two of them, once all is said and done, plan to be together. She said this proudly and then said "I'm happy now" and "I know it's selfish but it's what I have to do". She said she is seeing a lawyer next week.

I remained calm and kind and invited her to describe her motivations and the things that caused her pain. She had nothing to say but fog jive. The therapist who helped her come to this decision talked about "chakras".

I no longer want to be kind and compassionate and generous. I want to be vengeful and ruthless. I want to reach out to the OM's wife.

I want to lock away the sparrow's possessions, change the locks on the house, and protect GC. She has no heart. I see the sparrow and there is nothing there but a nasty, cold, empty individual.

So what do I do next? I'm seeing a doc tomorrow to address problems with sleep, anxiety, and the 30 odd pounds I've lost. I also plan to schedule an appointment with a therapist I've spoken with. I didn't see it before, but it is clearly time to put myself ahead of this relationship.

I'm afraid she will take things from the house and sell them to get money. I don't want her in this house. Advice needed, badly. Thanks guys.

GC

Dear graycloud,

I am online and have been for quite a while as I was unable to sleep.

Am truly sad for you and your situation, and that your wife is following this action rather than working on re-building her life with you.

I hope you don't mind me posting to you, because I was a WW. I confessed, and am in marriage recovery.

I know I may not be much help to you but I just wanted you to have a post to let you know that I have read yours and wanted to respond to it.

There are so many more experienced people than me to help you in your situation, but I want you to know I care about your pain and am praying for you to have strength to cope and depend on God for wisdom and guidance.

Kas

Thank you for the response Kas. This is a long night for me. I feel now that this loss is real, because when I look at the sparrow I don't think there's anything there I want to love. How can somebody who was once so good could become so wicked? And fog schmog!

I only believe in a higher power sometimes. I tried to pray tonight but it gave me no comfort.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm afraid she will take things from the house and sell them to get money. I don't want her in this house. Advice needed, badly. Thanks guys.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Change the Locks ASAP! Im thinking like you are.....it's time to "take care of you!". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart

Thanks, atrueheart. I'll see a lawyer right away. I suppose my legal rights w/r/t protecting finances and property depend on the state I live in.

gc

I'm in the wrong topic now I suppose. Sorry to pound this one so hard.

I need first day advice. I'm deliriously angry - the "gotta keep her out of the house" stuff may have been a bit rash - but at the same time I can't afford to make her angry, because I want to keep my house. But given the cost of divorcing, her need for a place to live, and her untrustworthiness, I feel that my finances are in jeopardy.

Anybody has suggestions for dealing with these new circumstances and all this anger and panic and my continuing desire to make the best effort I can at preserving some hope for a reconciliation with this awful person, I'd be obliged.

And another thing. When do I get to be the angry one? She needs to be on the receiving end of some of this. I haven't been angry in her presence for weeks!

GC

Punching bag, Greycloud.

Go get yourself a punching bag, hang it up in the basement or garage, and punch the hell out of it. Punch it until you can't punch it no more.

DO NOT take your anger out on her. She will get what she's got coming, in time.

This is about you now.

W.

I'm sorry I have not been reading your story up till now. I'm guessing you have been in Plan A and 'thought' sparrow was working on the M too? If not, it's time to do a STELLAR Plan A until switching to Plan B, that means telling OMW, now...tell her their plans, she may not know...tell sparrow's sister, she may be feeding her a line too. Anyone else to tell?

Sparrow has been abducted and will only speak in this fog talk for awhile, let the words bounce off, she will regret them later. Yes, she is going to play the lawyer card, good idea for you to meet with a lawyer too to see what you can do to protect the house and the assets. Be very clear with the lawyer that you want to save the M though. Don't be the first to file...that's what sparrow wants, to relinquish the guilt from her shoulders.

Is it time for Plan B? Have you shown her the best Gray you can be? Do you need more time? What were her biggest complaints, have you curbed those LB's? Have you been meeting her EN's? If so, how much longer can you do it? If not, it's time to start, and show her what kind of M she could come back to. Start working on YOUR time schedule, not hers.

graycloud <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


I see the times you posted. In my timezone they are 2:30, 3:00, 4:30, and 7:30 a.m. I'm so sorry. Your anguish shows in your posts.

Definitely see a lawyer. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself financially. This is important regardless of the outcome of your M.

Perhaps it's good you're "hating" her right now; it helps protect your heart a little bit.

Don't get angry at her; it will only cement in her mind that she's doing the right thing because "look what a monster you are".

Get an appointment with the doc today, too.

graycloud -

stick with the MB plan. This is one more bump in the road. Your wife is temporarily insane and addicted.

I remember spiderslayer's famous sushi lunch. Her WH took her to a nice restaurant for sushi and announced he was divorcing her. She couldn't even eat. A couple of weeks later they reconciled.

See your doctor and get some anti-D's. Then continue on your path. We will help you through this.

Good morning graycloud,

Lesson one is what many of us told you on your other thread.You have got to get on AD's pronto.You are a basket case(no offense)because of this horrible trauma you are going through.Part of that rage you may feel is due to this as well.And,you will no doubt be swinging back and forth to all kinds of emotions that the AD's can help stabilize.Make that your priority right now.

Then,seek some legal counseling about your rights only.Don't YOU make any decisions about separating or a D or anything like that.It is way too soon.If your WW is really set upon D'ing you,let her do the work.Many times they are just huffing and bluffing and they don't do anything.

Get that anger out but not directly AT your WW.Write it down,post it here as a big ole VENT,get a punching bag like weaver said or go running or whatever you want.This rage will pass temporarily(a down on the rollercoaster) but you have to have the means with which to get through it.

Lastly,PLEASE remember: that although you want to scream at your WW for what she has done and put you through,like we all have felt at some time,IT WILL NOT HELP YOU.It will only serve HER agenda to make you look bad,like you never loved her,treat her badly and you are crazy,etc.She does NOT have the capacity to understand the kind of anger you are going through because she is not on the receiving end of adultery,ok? Please get the anger out another way.

Stay with us and keep posting.

O

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thank you guys so much. I'm not used to being alone like this, and you've helped me through some hard parts and given me courage, humility, and wonderful advice.

We were a few weeks into plan A. OM would email her every few days, using a new anonymous account each time. She shared these with me, and things were moving in the right direction. Then one day she said he had phoned her and told her his W was pregnant, and that she told him to get lost. From that point she shared nothing with me and denied any contact, and her efforts at the M dwindled almost overnight. After about a week longer I suspected contact was occurring, and last evening she proudly admitted that it was. I believe they may have finally consummated their affair at my house during OM's lunch hour while the sparrow was home on vacation, but I have not asked.

It seems questions of what plan are sort of off the table now. I suppose it's plan B if I tell her I don't want to see or hear from her unless it's about money (exactly how she wants it), and that she has to tell me of her plans to come to the house in advance. But I'll almost certainly fall into the out of sight, out of mind category. She seems to see me through one of two possible lenses. I'm either pitiful or I'm a nasty ogre. How will she react if I change the locks?

I have been very close with the sparrow's extended family and I want to reach out in some positive way to them, through some simple greeting cards, to thank them for truly making me a part of the family. Seeing it typed out there, I think I should wait until the bitter end to do this sort of thing. Otherwise it will appear as an attempt to desperately cling and run interference.

I'm contacting OM's wife and a lawyer and seeing the doctor this afternoon. I am tempted to suspend all activity on our credit cards, but the sparrow needs one for business travel. I was going to pull a chunk of cash out of the bank and stash it away, just to have something in hand, but I see that yesterday afternoon before I came home she put together a credit card payment and took it with her when she left. I suspect she's emptied our account to pay off that bill. Good times.

GC

Hi again,

Your WW's actions are still par for the course.But,if she is taking money out then you need to take action and start limiting or preventing her from doing that.You should not by any means,make her moving out easy and that also means by not letting have access to money that you make.If she wants to move out,continue her adultery and get a D then let her come up with the money to support that.That would be one issue to discuss with the lawyer but until you do,perhaps you should split off your bank account to a personal one or change the access capabilities(i.e. passwords or cards).

Sorry that I can't remember but do you both own a home together or what is your living situation?

Regarding the In-Laws.I assume they know about the adultery? If so,I say let them in on your predicament as much as they are willing.I let my In-Laws know right away about what happened to me and my WH and they have been a mountain of support to this day and have been on "my side" even.So gather as much support as you can from all areas.

And, as much as many of us want to believe that there is NC with our WS's,it seems that it almost never happens on the first try.I have been through 2 false "recoveries" myself.

O

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 08:38 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

The Purge
Marge Piercy

Beware institutions begun with a purge,
beware buildings that require the bones
of a victim under the cornerstone, beware
undertakings launched with a blood
sacrifice, watch out for marriages
that start with a divorce.

To break a champagne bottle over the prow
of a boat is prodigal but harmless; to break
a promise, a friendship much more exciting
(champagne doesn't squeal); but doesn't
the voyage require a lot of sightseeing
and loot to justify that splatter?

Give it up for me, she says, give him
up, give her up, look only in my eyes
and let me taste my power in their anguish.
How much do you love me? Let me count
the corpses as my cat brings home mangled
mice to arrange on my doormat like hors d'oeuvres.

But you know nobody dies of such executions.
Your discarded friends are drinking champagne
and singing off key just as if they were happy
without you. One person's garbage is another's
new interior decorating scheme. If she is your
whole world, how quickly the sun sets now.

gc (will be okay)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">gc (will be okay) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Atta boy!

We own a house together, our first, purchased 1 yr ago. Yeah, it's been a source of tension.

My in-laws know everything and support me.
The sparrow's best friends know and support me.
The only people that support her are her, OM, and this "chakra" shrink the sparrow saw yesterday.
I spoke with SIL last week and told her everything. She was floored. The sparrow had given her the old "we've grown apart" routine. But since then I've phoned SIL twice and she has not returned. I think she's gone to the dark side. Okay, off to contact OM's wife and do some business, maybe get that punching bag. Called in sick today.

gc

Geez. I looked up chakra on the internet. I won't be disrespectful to anyone's beliefs, but it is really different.

Trying to get organized. So here's a question.

I attempted to contact OM's wife today and was not able to reach her. But I almost have cold feet.

She knew about this when it was an EA and then it was supposed to have ended. She may not know anything else at all. Probably not about the secret emails and the opportunity for a sexual liason that has existed. OM has told the sparrow that he's planning on getting divorced, but isn't this the sort of thing that he might just tell her and not really plan on following through on? Anyway, I do think his wife should know, if she doesn't already, that the affair has continued. The innocent should be protected, and this woman has a three-year-old and recently became pregnant. This contact could really blow up in my face (make my D start sooner, be a catalyst for his D), but is this a "then so be it" situation where I have a moral obligation? If I was just worried about consequences to my M and an easier opportunity for the star-crossed lovers to get together soon, I'd probably go right ahead and do it. But it gives me a certain vain satisfaction to do it. I don't trust feelings like that any more.

GC

Dear graycloud,

Keep posting, keep hanging in there, and know that people care for you in your situation.

I know what itis like to have long nights where your thoughts overwhelm you and you don't understand what is happening to you. You feel alone and that God isn't there.

I know what it is like to pray yet feel 'nothing'. Keep praying and keep believing in God.

A poem called 'footprints' talks about someone who only saw one set of footprints in the sand when they were going through the most difficult times of their lives. They couldn't understand it.. Where was God at these times, why only one set of footprints? God said 'my child, it was then that I carried YOU'

It may not feel like that at the moment, but God is in the tapestry with a fine thread, weaving in you.

Kas

ps. graycloud,

Have just seen your recent post you did a few minutes before I just sent mine.

I understand totally the sense of feeling you have a 'moral obligation'.

I too am going through this. I am a WW and don't think OM told his wife.

I struggle with this issue daily in my life but in my situation it had to be taken out of my hands. (unable to say more than this).

It does weigh heavy on me. What if I set off an unexpected chain of events. Could I cope?

Kas