Last night I responded to my H's message that he sent to me. When I had talked to him earlier I was not myself. It was as if there was no emotion left in me and all I could say was that I wanted to be completely open with him. It was like I was in some zombie state.
Unfortunately, after I wrote the letter I text him to let him know. I know now that that wasn't really a good idea but I wasn't quite myself yet and I didn't realize what time it was.
Anyway, here's my letter and his response.
My Letter:
H,
First of all I want to say that I didn't stay with you just because you stuck around. I've always had true feelings for you. I was a confused girl who didn't feel like she deserved to feel happy. Back then I did all I could to punish myself for the sins that I felt I had commited. I had no faith in myself and thought I would be empowered by acting out on these self destructive impulses. It wasn't until this thing happened with this second person that I realized that I was hurting everything that I loved, both you and me and it opened my mind and my heart to the happiness and love I had with you. From that point on I've never turned my back on what we have. Together I was able to break the cycle of destruction I had been comitting. I never meant to hurt you only myself which I ended up doing by hurting you.
I know how it feels to be embarrassed and humiliated by these things. Just know that it was never because of you that I did these things. I had to break through my inner demons to get away from that kind of behavior and I feel like I've made a lot of progress. There has never been a person that I've loved as deeply and as truly as I do you and I feel that was what broke the cycle I was stuck in.
I agree we've had a lot of good times but lately I haven't put as much effort as I should have to have made things work. I took what we had for granted and I should never have done that. You've had needs that I didn't fulfill and I've neglected my needs as well. I wasn't spending the time I should have making sure you were taken care of and I wasn't taking care of myself. I needed a wake up call and I got it. I still think we can work things out if we both try. Your right, right now we are at a negative and it feels like there isn't anything that can be saved. We've both done things that we regret and there are many wounds that may never heal completely but I'm sure that we can build things up if we both go into it with open minds and willing hearts. You've said you still care for me and that there is still some love left for me. We can build on that. It will take time. I admit it may take longer than either of us can see into the future. Over time the weight will be lifted. I can truly say that I'm not the same person that did those things to you back then and I'm not even the same person I was a month ago. My eyes have been opened and I won't ever take you for granted again.
I'm not saying that I want to jump right back into things. I think it would be best to take things slowly. If we tried to conquer everything that was wrong with our relationship at once everything would probably just crumble. Why not start by finding out what it is that we both find important and start by addressing those things first. We are never going to forget what happened but we can forgive and our relationship can grow from there. I know it's hard to imagine things ever being better. It seems like it's something unattainable but with baby steps I believe we can get there. We can regain some trust. Full trust may be beyond reach but is it ever really good to trust someone completely? I have to say though, good relationships are built on honesty and compromise. I am willing to share everything with you and make the necissary changes that need to be made. I can understand if you aren't comfortable with that now. I want to make you feel like you can tell me anything without feeling like I'm going to put your views or feelings down. That too will take time and patience. I've never been a patient person but it's something I'm willing to learn if it means having a chance to save something that is very dear to me.
I also want to show you that although I have been depending on you for a lot of things that I am able to do them on my own. I'm going to start taking care of myself. I'm going to eat better, sleep during normal hours, watch less television, study more, and excersize more without you having to tell me too. I'm really going to turn my life around and become a better person both to you and myself. We both deserve to be happy and I know we can help each other reach that.
Once again, this isn't something you have to decide on now. I just hope you can keep the door open to allow us to give it a try sometime.
I've made a lot of mistakes the past 8 years, you were never one of them. I know every mistake I've made has hurt our relationship and it takes a lot more good to replace what we've lost with a single instance of harm. Now that I know the mistakes I've been making I can avoid repeating them and try harder to show my affection when you are willing to recieve it.
I love you very much and I'm going to keep trying even if you decide to stop because with all my soul I believe that we have always been meant to be together.
With loving devotion,
Marisa
His response:
It certainly sounds like you're thinking clearly in comparison to our phone call earlier, which was more like talking to an answering machine, which I totally understand.
Two things, however. First, I again feel I have to say that I'm not convinced that I have anything remaining to give. Yes, I have some love, but I'm not sure it's the kind you want. Hurt changes things, I'm not claiming you did all the hurting. We both made mistakes, I'm not leaving myself out of it. Second, and I don't mean this as an attack or anything, but you keep saying to express everything I feel....so....how come just when I'm relaxing, or falling asleep, or whatever, you text me, or call me? I'm not talking about ordnary times here, that happens...I'm talking about times where it's expected that nobody is going to be talking to anybody. Tonight, I was really tired, and tense. I was just falling asleep when you msg me with a semi-mysterious msg that seemed designed to make me get up and look here...which of course, worked, didn't it? My phone starts buzzing, and my heart and stomach start spinning and flopping around. You know I check this site several times a day, whether I feel like it or not, although I usually enjoy it anyway...so there wasn't a danger of the msg going un-noticed for very long, not even a large number of hours...so texting me wasn't needed to make sure I'd get it. So why text me at 1:30am? I wonder how long it will take for me to rest now, and I have to get up in the morning, too.
goodnight, I hope you sleep more soundly than I.
My response to that was just to let him know that I wasn't expecting him to be able to give much, but that I felt I had a lot to give and with time hopefully he would be able to feel the same way.
Am I trying to move things too fast? He's supposed to call sometime this afternoon. I really don't know what to expect.
