I just don't know where to begin, first of all i want to say that I realise that what i'm going through is probably not as bad as others and so many people are going through such rough times of their own but if you can find it in your hearts to read this in midst of your own struggles and give me opinions i would really appreciate it. I will probably go w/the majority even though it may hurt me incredibly.

i will try to make this as brief as possible but i have been in plan A long distance for awhile, i just saw my H over this past weekend which was the first time i had seen him in 3 months. i was going to our house in another state where my H is, our dogs, and our house and stuff. he had written me a letter in may that told me he was going to be filing for a D soon and when i told him i was coming down this past weekend he said he couldn't have what happened the last time i was there happen again (talk about us) in fact he said "i can't do that again." i siad that was fine i didn't want that and that i believed i could come down there and not have to do that. but that i had got a place of my own and that i needed to get some things and i wanted to have a yard sale. he asked if i would be taking the dogs and i said i didn't know.


i was going to be picking up some stuff and and going to talk to him about him bringing the dogs up to me in another state (that was my agenda). he was only going to give me one day to see and talk to him so i was going to try and bring up the dogs as just as something we needed to discuss.so on the day he said he would be coming over (to our house because he wasn't staying there while i was there) he showed up, we hugged, talked about a few things, etc. and i said that i was in a position that i could have the dogs now but i couldn't bring them up there. what i wanted was for him to bring them up there but i didn't tell them that he actually suggested it. in fact, said he could bring them up on the 9th, wouldn't be staying but could drive them up and drop them off.

well we were both pleasant, had good coversation, talked very very little about us, etc. we hugged good bye, he hugged me again as he was going out the door. However after he left and on my way back it occurred to me that even though he did suggest what i wanted him to but maybe he suggested it too quickly and that maybe if i could postpone him bringing the dogs up here it would be better. so i decided that as soon as i got back into town (last night) i would call him and suggest that i would really like to get a fence up before the dogs were brought up here.

well i just left a message last night that we needed to talk about the dogs again and i just now got off the phone w/him and i am just utterly torn but then again not. basically, he took next week off to go out to colorado to see his sister who just had a baby, he said it was a road trip, and that he hadn't had time off from work in a long time, etc. and that if he couldn't bring the dogs out this weekend he would just get someone to watch the dogs while he was gone. long story short-i asked him if he had planned on bringing someone on this trip w/him and he said no. i suggested why don't he bring the dogs up here on his way out west and was trying to work the plan from that angle, i said in fact he could take the present out to his sister that i got for his sister and would save me on postage and he said sure but of course, he said that he was going to be honest w/me and that he had planned on bringing someone on this trip w/him.

he talked about how i just say that i'm trying to take one day at a time and he says that he is just trying to do the same and that he new he was still legally M to me but that he was just trying to lead a normal life. i said i was concerned about respect in this situation. he said it wasn't about respect for me and that he just didn't know what else he was supposed to do that i knew what he wanted and that i didn't feel the same way and that he was willing to give me time to be ready that he had sent the letter saying he was going to file for a D but didn't want to be a d!#* about things so he was trying to give me time. that he didn't know how the trip would look to other people but he was aware but didn't know what else to do.

i probably didn't handle the whole conversation expertly but i did the best i could. he said he didn't tell me about the trip because he didn't know how i would react and that he didn't want to lie to me and that he could have not told me. that he wants me to be happy and that he knows that i don't think i can be happy w/out him but he loved me but just couldn't be w/me anymore. i said some things like i was trying to understand how the how trip and his schedule worked and what he was planning on doing w/the dogs before he knew he was going to be bringing them up to me. he said that he really had just planned it on saturday (the 3rd).

he finally just said it's been about 10 minutes and i'm done. i said what do you mean he said that he's talked for about 10 minutes and hadn't let me say anything. i said that i was still trying to understand respect and how brining this person on the trip would be showing respect to her, her family, to him, and his family. but i said that was my issues and that i needed to deal w/them and that was just something i was going to have to work out. just like he was trying to take day to day so was i. he said something along the lines of saying something that he thought i was thinking and i just said that it doesn't serve us to talk about what either one us is thinking (i said it in a better way then that).

i basically said if it was okay w/him i was just like to think about it some more and that i would update him as soon as possible as to when my landlord would be able to go over the area to be fenced, etc. he said to let him know by monday because if he hadn't heard from me he was going to go ahead and leave on his trip.


okay..now for what my take on this is, i'm extremely hurt and sad about this new development. i'm sick. but i know i'm not the first BS to have to deal w/this and i know i can't control him. my first initial reaction was to still say i would prefer it if he would bring the dogs up next week because i didn't want his friends and our neighbors taking care of the dogs. this of course would make the OW upset. now i'm thinking that if he doesn't go out west to visit some of his family regardless of how i feel about the OW going w/him that if he backed out now, then his family would think even worse of me and that it was my fault he wasn't coming out.

it crushes my heart to think again that my dogs are being pawned off on others but at the time i was so happy that he was going to be bringing them to me i didn't really think about anything else. it it does sadden me tremendously to think that more of his family will be meeting the OW and she probably is just on cloud 9 to think of how their R is going.

i did find a note at our house this weekend which was from the OW (not sure when, i found it in a notebook) that said something along the lines of that maybe he didn't trust her (she said you can trust me) and also she had called him a coward but she meant it as a joke but realized what she had done when he compared her to me. anyway.....

what do you guys think? i have to go to a meeting or i would write more but i'm already 20minutes late.

Well, he is continuing in the fog. It is very inappropriate to be married, and bring OW to meet your family - but they all seem to think it is just fine. Yuck.

I would go on with my life (like I am doing), and put him on the back burner.

I know how sad you are, but when they are all fogged out, they do very hurtful things. It is all about THEM.

RR, I know *exactly* what you feel like. Just when you start thinking they're going to give you a little something, they throw the OP in and ruin it.

Sounds like WH and OW are having some little bit of tension. I know it may not seem like much. The tone of OW's note to your H may have been friendly and conciliatory. But look at the two issues that came up: courage (his) and trustworthiness (hers). Here we have two virtues that WSes and their OPs suffer from desperate shortages of. So at least you can see that those things are slithering around somewhere in the minds of these two. It ain't much, but it's something.

GC

RR, I am so gald that you are safely back. I've been praying for you about this trip and your interaction with your WH. Now regard with this new development, I feel the sadness for you. But like Believer said, there is not much you can do about him. I would call up his sister and tell her that you would want to see her, but WH is bringing someone else and leave it there. I don't know if that is a good idea.

I will be up here till at least the end of July. WH was suggesting I stay longer, he can come pick up D and send her to camp. He plans to plan B me and doesn't want to see me.

i went to the meeting late and left early, just couldn't concentrate, i don't do anything at the meeting anyway.

believer, thank you for your reply, of course you're right. it's just sometimes it's easier to take then others. towards the end of the conversation he asked how i was and instead of saying what i normally say (i'm struggling, just taking one day at a time) i said i'll be okay. it's hard to prepare for the worst when at the same time you don't want to think of the worst. when i was coming into work today and thinking about how i was going to reply given what happened this weekend i would have said the scales are balanced. for everything thing about the situation that isn't good, there have also been glipmses at things that are good. now, don't know what to think, is it good that they are going away together, she's meeting part of his family (maybe all, i don't know). should i have even pushed the conversation? i knew he wouldn't be going out to colorado by himself but i still asked if there was someone going w/him. is it better that i know? i just don't know.

GC, yes you're right, and that's how i was looking at it before i found out about the trip today. I was going to post the note that i found tomorrow, probably still will. like i said, i don't think my situation is any worse or better than other peoples but when you're in the situation you just try to deal w/it the best and only way you know how and maybe i just wanting validation that this trip that they are going on is what is needed to bring them closer together so that they can be brought apart. i know this is the first trip they have been on (i had seen mapquest searches for directions when i was there in march that i had not done, plus i found another note while i was home referring to depature times and what to do w/the dogs, i was going to post on that note too. but anyway.........i think that this is the first trip they are taking to actually meet some of his family though.

lost, calling his sister would not be good in my case. i actually didn't know when she was due, they have not kept in touch w/me at all after everything came out. i knew she was due in july but as it turned out had her baby on the 30th. anyway, so i was just going to send a little something that said i didn't know what to send but congratualations, etc. this sister in particular that had the baby i'm sure does not want me and my H to get back together. right after dday and before i found out how they (his family) really felt about the situation or where they stood, i had sent an email to 3 of his 4 (one of them doesn't have a computer) sisters and his mom asking for prayer. well the sister who just had the baby was the only one to respond and basically said that me and H did not bring the best out of each other and that what ever happens she does hope i will find peace and that we both deserve to be happy, etc. i didn't reply to the email. SH says that i'm doing about all i can do in regards to the IL's given the situation. in fact, i wouldn't be surprised if the presents i send for the baby are sent back.

i want to be strong and i want to have hope that my M will be able to be rebuilt. but as i said, sometimes it's just easier to do than others. i guess i'm still confused as to what my real agenda is or what my motives are. am i sticking w/this because i want to be able to "win." am i convincing myself that God will save my M because that is what I want? is anything i do because of what i think i will get in the end? will i ever be given the chance to give my M another try? is there anything else i can do that i'm not doing? i asked SH this last question the last time we talked and he said no. but sometimes i'm torn about counseling w/SH because i'm basically paying him to tell me what i want to hear aren't I? i miss my H, i want to be w/him, and i want him to want me, is that wrong? am i being selfish?

i guess the best thing for me to do is to just let them (i know i can't stop them but you know what i mean) go on the trip, let my H figure out what to do about the dogs while he is gone, and work to arrange a trip up here when he gets back. i'm just confused about the plans that i have for in august and again what my real agenda and motives are and if it's okay, or is it not what God wants. I just, i just, i just, i just, i just......don't know what to say, do, think, feel, don't know what i want and if it's okay to want that, if i'm doing what i should be doing, am i going to victorious or rewarded in the end.

sometimes it feels like you just take minute to minute instead of day to day. but here i go feeling sorry for myself and that's probably not good but i can't help it sometimes.

RR,

I try to keep up with your posts but don't often respond because I have no good advice.

I just, i just, i just, i just, i just......don't know what to say, do, think, feel, don't know what i want and if it's okay to want that, if i'm doing what i should be doing, am i going to victorious or rewarded in the end.

I still have no great advice, but wanted to tell you I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I drive myself nuts trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do, not do, etc.

I guess we just need to keep trusting in God.

I'll try and quote from memory something I posted to another person once. It's from a book marker I got from Al-Anon called "Just for Today".

"Just for today, I can do for 12 hours what I would find appalling if I thought I had to do it for a lifetime."

Don't think too hard about tomorrow. (Granted, we all have to think about it some--can't just bury our heads in the sand). But just focus on getting through today. Then do the same tomorrow. You'll have good days and bad days (and based on my experience, I think you'll feel better if you have the company of your dogs again.)

It is hard to deal with the OW and WH together. I hurt because last week my WH moved the OW in with him. He once told me that he was not going to ever let that happen because if he did, he knew there'd be no turning back.

Now it's reality. I didn't think it'd hurt so bad, but it does. And it's been almost a week since it happened. But I'm going to try hard to remember that God has helped me feel better in the past and count on him to do it again.

Take care.

LL

thanks LL for your reply, i do appreciate it. i'm sorry to hear for your recent development as well and i am somewhat preparing for something like that to eventually happen in my case. keep the faith lordslady.


would like to hear from chris-CA123, haven't heard from you for awhile. would like your thoughts even if it's just a few.


latest development is that my H called me and said that he had a possible solution to the situation. that he would have a friend (which i know, have met, and has been to our house) stay at our house and take care of the dogs while he was gone and then he could bring the dogs up on the 21st as soon as he got back. well i just said that it was an option and it was a good one but that i would still like to talk to my landlord first before anything is decided. he said okay, sorry he was bothering me. i said he wasn't bothering me and that i would talk to him later.

i've reconciled the fact he's going on the trip regardless and even though he still could bring the dogs up this weekend before he goes, i have already decided to to see if he can't bring up the dogs on the 23 or the 30th of this month. i talked to my mom so i feel a little better not sure if it's an advantage or not that i know about the trip but can't change that now and i can't change him. i have to go for the day, thanks for reading and continued prayers to all.

I'm lost

Of course that is not usual. I missed the decision you wanted help with.

Sorry, my powers of concentration are not so hot this morning.

I have a suggestion, but don't know if this solves the problem. Perhaps H could drop the dogs at your parents. It is sorta along the way as well, and gets them closer to you. You could arrive the next day and pick them up, provided the landlord is OK with the dogs.

This also solves another potentially sticky issue. You H may feel it's a bit safer to drop off the dogs there instead of you and OW potentially coming face to face.

HTH,

Tony

java, no you're right it's confusing. i initially wanted to know if i should have my H bring the dogs up here next week and mess up his trip or if i should just let him bring them up here afterwards. but as i thought more about it, the more i just realised i can't do what i want because of the possible ramifications. those would be making myself look like a manipulator and that am still doing whatever i want and making him do what i want, and also making his family be upset w/me because he had to change his plans to accomodate me.

so again, i'm just going to agree w/his suggestion to bring the dogs up here after he gets back from his trip. i had wanted to push it back even futher to the 23rd instead of the 21st but in all actuallity it doesn't make a bit of difference because he's not going to stay any longer on the 23rd then if he came on the 21st. he's just going to bring them up here and then turn around and go back.

the landlord is okay w/the dogs, thank you for the suggestion. i wasn't sure if you meant for my H to drop the dogs off at my parents on his trip next week on when he gets back. because in any case i don't really care for the OW to be anywhere near my family and to be honest i'm almost sure my H doesn't want to be anywhere near my family either (conflict avoider and guilt). plus i do want him to see where i'm going to be living and i've put enough miles on my truck and i will be going to our house again in august, at least that's the plan for now.

so i guess there was really no decision to be made i guess it was more of a call for help, understanding, and reassurance. yes probably some self pitty in that but today is another day and will try to do better about dwelling on what i can't control. BTW on dday and when i was at our house in march he asked me each time if i wanted to meet the OW. 1st time on dday i said no because i would probably kill her and the 2nd time in march i just didn't say anything. so obviously that wasn't a real concern for him in the past, don't know if he would still feel that way but just the very idea of meeting the person who is sleeping w/my H is just a little too much for me to take if you know what i mean.

thanks for replying and prayers to you, RR

RoughRoad,

I know exactly what you mean.

Tony

RR, how are you doing? Didn't see you here. Thinking of you and prayers for you.