Had a gut and if you read any of my posts last 3 wks. you know I discovered several inappropriate e-mails to/from FWH .Those in turn led me to put voice activated recorder in car . He didn't make the call I thought he would but I accidentally caught a conversation putting our relationship in question . I then got hold of phone records and basically became obsessed with uncovering any and all details of his every move for the past month . And when I say obsessed I mean OBSESSED !!
Fast forward - we start MC again and she tells him to stand up for himself . That I need to stop obsessing and reading every e-mail and to give him space . I know I was overdoing it and had all his passwords to mail and v-mail (basically everything). She advised him to change all passwords and I would have to trust him to come to me if something popped up on his radar screen . Thing is he wouldn't have thought the e-mails I found were inappro. if not confronted with them !! Now it feels like I was the wrong one and now I'm being punished for protecting myself . Til I discovered omissions and things that were not right I'd check mail maybe every mo. or so just to make me feel better .
We've been in R for little over a yr. and til he went back to work(traveling a lot) we were fine and felt very secure. Feels like he got his privacy back and I'm just suppose to trust him 100% !!
What are your feeling about this and if it was you ,what would you do and say .Is MC right . Seems everything I've read and I've read alot- that as long as I need to check to feel safe ,I should have access -but did I go too far ??

Hi khb5,

BS (and I don't mean Betrayed Spouse)!!!. Had an MC like that first time around (see where advise like that got me).

If you've read SAA (Surviving and Affair) and HNHN (Her Needs, His Needs), you already know the answer to your question.

As Dr. H points out, A's require a Secret Second Life! It is as much a requirement as fuel is to fire! No Secret Second Life…no Affair. Do yourself a favor, tell your MC to read SAA. Put a BIG bookmark at Page 41. "PRIVACY ISN'T SOMETHING THAT IMPROVES MARRIAGES, IT'S HONESTY AND OPENNESS THAT IMPROVE MARRIAGES"

KHBH,

He shouldn't need any privacy of that sort. Voice activated recorders, hmmm. Don't know about that one. You should certainly be able to read his mail anytime, or see his phone records. Or listen to messages. The only thing I've ever hidden from my WW spouse before this was her presents.

BTW, where do you get a voice activated recorder and how much? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

"Thing is he wouldn't have thought the e-mails I found were inappro. if not confronted with them !!

Oh YES he did.

WS's are famous for denying they knew things were inappropriate...I mean, really <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Get another marriage counsellor. ANY mariage counsellor that gives such advice to a WS needs shot.

You need to learn that he is trustworthy again, and if that means you have access to ALL of the information you need, so be it. It is a consequence of your H's affair and he has to accept this for recovery to be total.

Good luck.

Love and light,

Jacky

khb5 - Your marriage counselor is NO counselor. Your MC is an enabler.

Never go back to that counselor again and begin looking immediately for a counselor who is both trained and committed to saving marriages, not into making individuals "feel better."

Trust your gut. "Snooping" is often necessary because the WS is often in denial and quite skilled at lying, deception, and rationalization. Speaking as "one who knows", you do whatever is needed to get the information so that you have facts on which to base your decisions. "Trusting" someone who has destroyed all right to be trusted is NOT something that you give without their earning it through honest and trustworthy behavior.

Your counselor is an idiot, to put it mildly.

Also, a word of warning for you. Snooping easily becomes a habit, and as with all habits, it becomes a "way of life" and is tough to break. Expect that at some point you will have to fight your own withdrawal feelings when you begin to diminish and eventually stop the snooping. It IS necessary at some point, but right now you need the confirmation that his words are being backed up by his actions even when you are not around.

If your spouse is not the type to easily volunteer information (like my wife was not), then snooping is your "barometer" as to whether you are being told truth or more lies (of commission or omission). You need to be able to believe what you are being told before you can begin to trust again. When you do begin to trust, it will likely be in the smaller "easier to trust" areas, with the "biggies" being left out until much further down the road to recovery.

God bless.

Absolutely there should be no secrets. And, there should be no need for privacy- except sometimes in the washroom.

On the other hand obsession can be quite oppressive, and I think that's a damage-doer too. Not just to your relationship, but your own psyche too.

Ya need to find a balance.

dewt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by khb5:
<strong>
Fast forward - we start MC again and she tells him to stand up for himself . That I need to stop obsessing and reading every e-mail and to give him space . I know I was overdoing it and had all his passwords to mail and v-mail (basically everything). She advised him to change all passwords and I would have to trust him to come to me if something popped up on his radar screen .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think your MC went too far. Of course you don't trust your H, he is untrustworthy. Only an insane person would trust an untrustworthy person. You shouldn't blindly trust anyone, much less a spouse who has been untrustworthy in the past. You sure don't regain trust by PRETENDING he is trustworthy. That is NUTS!

Your H needs to work on REBUILDING TRUST, not tearing it down. And the way he does that is opening up his life to you in order to reassure you.

If you are having a problem with trust now, how does hiding passwords from you help you build trust? How does that reassure you?

Please find a MC that has an IQ over 45, that might be your first step.

Hope it's ok for me to post here. I have been on both sides, meaning I was the BS and the WS later.

I wish as a BS I had seen signs. I was totally blind sided. As a WS, my husband used all the tools available....voice recorder, keystroke gadget. When I was in the fog I was FURIOUS! I pulled the whole invasion of privacy thing. How dare he snoop like that. Well, dang, he had every right to! I was committing adultery. He had a right to know everything that I was doing. We are now fully recovered and he still knows my passwords and has full access to all. It's been nine years since he hadhis A and two since mine. We trust each other, but not 100%, and I don't think we ever will, nor should we. Even if neither of us had committed adultery, I still don't think we should ever trust each other completely. Everyone is susceptible to an affair. It takes constant guarding of your heart and marriage. I'm getting a bit off topic, sorry.

I think you are right in trying to protect and prepare yourself. Your MC is way off base. That person is giving your husband permission to continue whatever is going on. I agree with the others who say to find another MC.

Michele

<small>[ July 10, 2004, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: MicheleD ]</small>