Reflections on the Fogman

Fogman and I have basically known each other since birth. His family lived around the corner in the suburbs. He was the same age as my oldest brother and they played together. He moved away for awhile, and we didn’t see each other again until high school (not at same school). I was hanging out in town and he basically wooed and chased me until he caught me. Took all of a week, I think. We were 16 and 17.

By our second date, he told me he was going to marry me someday. I knew nothing about marriage, but we became extremely close, connected at the hip I like to call it. We had fun. He was pretty crazy (an Aries) and I was pretty easygoing (Taurus) so we complemented each other. He was always a little bit emotionally immature, though, and this caused problems at times even back then.

4 years later, he popped the question. He was in the Navy in CA at the time. A year later, I was into drugs (unfortunately) He came home on leave, saw this, and we eloped to CA. I detoxed in the VW van on the cross-country drive to CA. He saved my butt from self-destruction. Married life was fun, but what the hell did I know at 20?? We have always fought and bickered. Unmet needs were the norm from the beginning, now that I know what I know about needs. SIGH…..

Fast forward to young adulthood. He went to college for 5 years, but didn’t quite get a degree (ONE class short). I worked my butt off, plus took classes. The college years were
The best I think. We had a very good group of friends there who were upbeat and a load of fun. These are my fondest memories. Still, tension between us was frequent and unsatisfying. I usually felt like total sh*t after any fight. Still, the good times there made up for it, I guess. We have been through our share of ups and downs.

Then came buying a house. That actually went well (I know that can be very stressful). Then we decided it was time to have a family. We had been married for 9 years. I had 2 miscarriages in a row before our 1st son was born (I also had one when I was 18). We started some MC, which went OK. He is a poor communicator and a general pain in the a$$ to deal with sometimes. Still, we had enough fun together to keep us going. We were very busy during this time. Fogman even stayed at home for 9 months to care for Son #1 as he was self-employed for awhile.

Son #2 came 4-1/2 years later. I cut back my hours. He was struggling with finding what he really wanted as a career. The kids were great, beautiful and smart. I can tell you, we had much less time together, but our family was always together, out doing things, very close-knit. We co-sleep, so even at night we were together. SF was ebbing away, though, which we knew. I was blamed for this of course. Hard times and arguing continued. Money is always a favorite topic. Another topic was that he feels that NO ONE (not just me per se) listens to what he tells them.

I became pregnant with our darling Daughter and just delivered in May 2004. The A started in Feb. I think. The entire pregnancy was very difficult for me due to severe nausea, heartburn, and then increased blood pressure. Several VERY stressful events happened, too: My dad had a brain tumor (non-malignant PRAISE GOD), Fogman was fired and was out of work for 10 weeks over Christmas, then he pissed positive for pot in his next job and was fired for 3 weeks, then my grandmother died in April. I started having panic attacks pre-D-Day and threatened to kill him and myself. My hormones raged beyond belief.

He changed when he peed positive in Jan. He came to work to tell me, and I went ballistic. He was reaching out for help, and I supposedly didn’t listen. I wasn’t there for him. ONCE in my life, I let him down… Frankly, I was sick and tired of the drugs already. I mean, 37 and still a pothead??? Was he serious about rehab? I have serious doubts. He went to a counselor, but he suggested AA. Useless to him, that didn’t do anything. He sure had money for pot when he was unemployed! He did sell a lot of stuff on eBay, but not enough to pay all of the bills. Plus, he *****ed at me for not picking up the slack. I have a home business, but I did NOT feel well enough to go gung-ho there. We didn’t communicate at all without fighting.

He wanted to escape, and we all know the usual story… He moved out on my birthday. Nice touch, if I say so myself. The usual happened, ignored me, ignored the kids, didn’t want to hear about NC from the MC, spent money we didn’t have, the M was “over already”, etc.

So, I found MB, began Plan A, and now he might be starting to come around.

But, do I want this man back?

I think now that I have calmed down some, I am starting to detach from him and his chaos. I don’t mean the chaos of the A, which of course is eating me alive, but his everyday Fogman chaos. The constant starting and not finishing of just about everything, the independent behavior, the “you don’t need to know, you’d just get pissed”, the complete lack of responsibility for any mistake or problem, omission of facts to avoid conflict, never really wanted to be social except when he was stoned. I don’t really like how he is with the kids anymore. He sorta ignores them if he’s busy, instead of including them in what he is doing. This was all going on before the A. I honestly don’t think he will ever change. Why should he? I can see even now, my part in this. I want him to conform to some script. He will not be scripted. EVER.

Reading haywire’s posts scared me. Is Fogman a sociopath, too? It scares me that I cannot find anything positive to say about him anymore, except that he has a rocking good bod. We don’t really fight anymore except about money. He just took a job 300 miles away, and cannot support himself there. The wonderful new job got him no where, except he is now 300 miles away. This didn’t take him away from the OW either. He’s staying at her parents’ camp, which he of course lied about. He has her over AT OUR HOUSE when I’m away, and says, it’s half my house, too.

The lying and betrayal have taken its toll on me. I have gone from an optimist, to a pessimist. He has stolen my life and I hate him for it. I am not going to follow him to his new job. I feel physically sick anytime I talk to or see him.

I know I will probably get some 2 x 4’s for this post, but it seems so clear to me now…I don’t want him back anymore. I want a sweet, smart, loving man who appreciates life. Not that I’m looking right now, mind you. Maybe the grass IS greener on the other side.

Just talked with Fogman. So hard to do this long-distance... R talk started right away, unfortunately.

He is staying at OW's parents's camp due to lack of funds (aka lack of prior-proper-planning on his part). I am so not happy about this... he is such a rationalizer. He sees nothing wrong with it! He wanted us to drive 7 hours to visit him this weekend. I cancelled, saying that we really cannot afford it between gas/lodging/food and we need that $$ for him to get an apt. I really don't want to make that trip with 3 kids either. He didn't like that one bit, but I really don't give a crap at this point.

He reiterates the scripted passages about our M being over and that he cannot live with me, but he misses the kids wicked. I said then you could attempt to work on our M, then you COULD live with them again. Well, he can't do that right now.

So, then, of course, M history was rewritten blahblahblah. Money is a real problem right now, although we are scraping by. I'll be back to work soon, so we'll be much better then. He really has no money sense, I handle all of the financials. I can't wait to see him on his own hehehehehehe!

I stood by my mantra that until he breaks up with OW, we will never have a chance to see what will happen with us. I said I will NOT move to where he is working since she is available there, too. We plan to sell house and I will stay with my parents.

He threatened several times that "I'm never coming back again", "You won't see any money without a court document", "You'll be getting everything your own way as usual", "The kids will never have fun again in their lives" (that one was especially funny!). He is trying to manipulate me. I have made up my mind to not move with him. I don't think he believes me. I have been waffling on this point, though. One time I did say I am coming there, and he said I was harrassing him. That still sticks with me. It was a turning point in my mind.

I haven't made up my mind to file for a D, though. What is with that? I don't think I want the creep around anymore, so I think I just need to do it.

We did discuss how to break up the home. He said just burn all of my stuff. OK, grow up, Fogman! I said I wanted to make sure I had stuff for my own place, since I probably will not permanently live with my parents. No response. I told him hee still needed to take care of his own stuff, I will not be stuck with it.

I get no thanks or kudos for taking care of kids while he is gone. I guess that would be asking too much at this point.

Sorry about the long posts, I have been stewing since Sunday.

Gee, I thought all would be peaceful with him gone. Don't make any decisions right now about divorce. I don't think this will last long.

Believer

Thanks for tyour reply, I knew I could count on you!

I thought things would be better, too. Then he goes and stays at the camp, and she runs up there to be with him (she got fired again). He says that they don't have a relationship that is going anywhere.

She loves him and will try to stay with him no matter what (clingy pathetic girl). He is in denial that she wants to live with him and have a committment. I told him he is using her to feel better. He lies to her about SF with me so he doesn't get her upset. OMG, that is so unbelievably hard to fathom, I cannot even tell you. There relationship is built on lies and cheating and we all know it won't last, but I am so ready to be disconnected.

I will not get peace here in Vermont. I hope to find peace in PA. We'll see. He still doesn't want a D. I am done waffling myself. Not moving there unless a miracle occurs.

I would just try to enjoy my life as much as possible right now. I wouldn't even drive up to see him. Just let him be with OW for awhile, and see if the fog clears any.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Reading haywire’s posts scared me. Is Fogman a sociopath, too? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">check this out:

http://www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/antisoc.htm


My husband meets the criteria too. What you and Haywire desribed is exactly the same. But take this article with a grain of salt- there is treatment, and I will try to find the article later.


Shul

Had a great day with the kids!

Thanks for the link, Shul. Scary isn't it?

I'm not going to drive up there this weekend, Believer, no way jose! Thanks for your support!

Me and kids just got home from visiting friends. They are friends that unfortunately introduced WH to OW. They saw things progress and tried to stop it, but of course, selfishness prevails yet again. Another bites the dust. They helped me to uncover the A, and I am forever grateful to them. We've always gotten along. WH declares them horibble and nosy of course! You would think he should be thanking them... Had a nice visit. The little stinkbombs they remember near D-Day aren't as painful anymore. It's funny...

I am very social, so feeling a little isolated right now. I start work in 11 days. I'm actually looking forward to it. I've been home since April. I've worked since I was 14, feels weird to have so much time off. It would be different if I had a good husband to come home to. Can you tell communication is one of my EN's??? I can just blab here, but it's not quite the same Hehehehehehe!

So he left a message on the machine...he was camping tonight (who knows if she came along? He said earlier that it would be alone, but then again, he is now a serial liar...) and was saying how very beautiful it was in blahblahblah town and that this is where he wanted to live. He hesitated a little, maybe remembering that we won't be joining him maybe? Thought that we'd be home (it was like 8:15 PM), I guess I'll talk to you later. Translation... I'm annoyed that you're not home.

That's funny, because the boys were singing a We Miss Daddy song on the drive home tonight. My boys adore their daddy. It just tears me up to no end. And there is no end in sight at this point.

Sorry for rambling, but this week has really been a tearjerker. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks, maybe a month.

I'm determined to make this move happen. He needs a wakeup call. I'll probably go into Plan B then. Oh sweet peace...

Another babbling session from the Fogman...

He called very early today. Wondered what I was doing last night. I told him we were hanging out. He sounded a little miffed. He has no friends anymore except OW (gag). I haven't lost any.

He's not happy about us not coming to Maine this weekend. I told him it was strictly a money issue, didn't he need $$ for his new apt.??

OW has my car...long story and completely against my will, he allowed OW to "buy" our extra car by making biweekly payments to me (the payments come out of my paycheck). I never agreed to it, and have not done a frickin thing to stop it because of Plan A and my own stupidity. She has missed 3 payments. I have told Fogman several times, he blows it off. One time he even was going to trade cars wuth her and give her his car. OMG, another triumph for Fogdom!

His car AND my car are in Maine as we speak (she is there, of course). I want my car back, period (this is me finally waking up from my own BS fog!). He wants to drive my car back home on Friday, and demands that I drive him back to Maine on Sunday. I said, why don't you just have her drop off car at my house next week and be done with it? PLUS SHE OWES ME 3 PAYMENTS! "Oh, I didn't know that (lie)...Oh, I'll pay you myself (NO YOU WON'T)"

This is torture. I am not dealing with their bullsh*t anymore!

Talk of course led to me deciding NOT to go with him to Maine. I said, you do not want to live with me, I thought you would be happy to have your way, I finally am listening to you now. He waffles.

I told him that the clincher was twofold: He said last week that if I follow him to Maine, that I am "harrassing" him. This was a wakeup call a beacon in my own fog. Unbelievably cruel to the utmost degree. My breaking point. The other news was that OW was going to attempt to move there. THIS IS NOT TOLERABLE. Do I even need to explain? His comment was, I can't control what she does, she's wanted to move there for awhile. I'm so pissed about that I can't even see straight sometimes.

I see no other option. I told him unless they are done, I refuse to follow him anywhere. He has broken my trust and said the wrong things one too many times.

I hear him whining about the kids, especially our 3-year-old, his "favorite". He says I forced him to leave because I am abusive. I swear I am a pretty normal person, controlling, but not unreasonable. Rewriting history???

I don't want to continue my own waffling... I know I have been so negative here these last few weeks, but unless I take a stand, I am dying inside. I feel better already now...

He needs to have reality set in. OW will chase him to the ends of the earth, she's like ClingWrap. He hates her daughter, he says. I love saying to him that she's part of the OW "package".

Oi veh, the Fogman...