I thought I'd post a new thread for myself since I'm not doing so well lately.

Many of you already know my story for those of you who do not I'll post a link to my first post:
Hero's first post for background.

So now we are in recovery...thanks to EXPOSURE.

I think we have been in recovery for a few months now. My H is completely remorseful and tell me how sorry he is from time to time.

I feel like I am just now allowing myself to get really angry for what has happened. I think about all the sacrifices I made as a military wife for 10 years now and how he just threw it all away.

I read all the books and followed all the advice from this site. We are even trying to move to a new unit which is not an easy thing to do in the military. He's leaving his desk position to go to a front line unit. This fact adds guilt and grief as well.

The bottom line is...I've forgiven him. But is it not true forgiveness if I'm still thinking of somethings and really getting upset?

I try to warn him when I can feel it building up. Then it'll just explode and we'll have a big argument and I'll wind up saying things about what he did and how bad he hurt me. It's terrible. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I just think he's so self centered he forgets how bad I'm hurting.

I love him and I still consider myself to be in Plan A. I do everything I can think of for him but I do not feel like I get the same in return most of the time. Like it's going to back to what it was like pre-A with him taking me for granted and not really treating me like a wife.

Does this make sense?

What do I do? I'm killing my own recovery. The recovery I've worked so hard for. Why now and I having this fleeting moments of anger?

Has anyone else felt like this?
Is this normal?
I'm pulling my hair out!

Heroswife, what you are describing is a perfectly normal, healthy pattern of recovery. It is all part of the recovery process. Yes, you have forgiven him, but you have not recovered from the trauma of the affair. That will take some time.

Mine went in cycles just like you described, outburst followed by a period of peace, followed by a building up, then outburst. As the months went on it they came with less frequency and less intensity until they eventually went away. [14 months or so]

The WORST time for many BS' seems to be around the 8-9 month mark. This is when the shock and the relief wears off and anger reveals itself. It is but a PHASE. It is like the tip of the iceburg of recovery when everything comes to a head just BEFORE TRUE ACCEPTANCE. Right after this phase is when I really started feeling some peace. But it was a rocky road up until around 12 months.

So just hang in there. The answer is to talk when this happens, but to do it in a non-lb way. Let him know that recovery will take a long time and you need his help and reassurance to get over this.

Heroswife,
Anger is definitely part of the process, it's good you can recognize--most times--when it is building up. And it can be cyclical in another way if it coincides with PMS.

Managing it like stress sometimes helps. I find working out regularly helps me manage. If I quit going to the gym, pretty soon I can't handle anything emotionally.

It is also normal to feel uneasy when you see your spouse returning to the habit and ruts that weren't good pre-A and continue to be an issue.

Plan A is for dealing with an ongoing affair. In recovery optimally the 2 of you move to Policy of Joint Agreement, Rule of time--spending 15 hours a week together, Rule of care & protection--not doing anything that hurts your spouse.

Plan A is designed for being the Giver. Not a good long-term plan for recovery, as the 2 of you need to balance being givers & takers.

But, if by Plan A you mean that you are avoiding lovebusters, that remains a part of recovery. There does not come a time when lovebusting becomes ok, it is always a lovebank drain.

Forgiveness doesn't blot out the fact that you've been hurt, but part of that is acknowledgement that it is in the past and simply can't be changed.

Acceptance comes sometime after the anger phase.

Recovery is HARD...

Discovery and ending the affair often happen with the sense of urgency for the BS.

The recovery process moves slower than a snail .... and this feels just plain wrong after the rush of getting the affair to end.

Recovery requires a different type of strength.

Strength in sitting with one's doubts. Strength to not run away from the tedious pace of recovery.

Pep

hey sweetie, how come i kind of thought you might be having a rough time? well, i don't know that what i will say will make sense or help but will do my best. i could be totally off base w/some of my impressions.

but i still think that maybe a part of you hasn't forgiven yourself. because of all the things that you did do as well as you have or did (mother, wife, etc.) that maybe somewhere down deep you feel that despite those things there still must have been something that you did or something that you contributed to the situation. we all know that both spouses contribute to the situation that leads to an A but i think a lot of BS just may not really know EXACTLY how. that's to say this is you but only a guess. maybe you are still not forgiving yourself for not exposing in a different way or sooner.

i think there are phases to everything and you are in a "phase" of what or just how long it will last, i couldn't tell you. you know your H better than any of us here and i know that you have suggested MC in the past but maybe it's time to really start to consider this and if not MC definitely IC. it's just a thought because we all need help in keeping ourselves focused on the task at hand and need encouragement and support on a daily basis and sometimes despite of how much help we think we are getting, we need even more help.

i think maybe you are also having a lot of doubts about where things are headed and about the future and that seems to be manifesting itself into to what you contribute as anger towards your H for not doing what it takes to help you. now granted, it REALLY does look/sound like he needs to do more and this is sad that he isn't. maybe just reminding yourself of the average recovery period (2years) and that you need to pace yourself and the recovery w/that in mind. i'm sure some days this may be more helpful then others. have you had any second thoughts about what the future may hold for you? for your M?

my dear sweet heroswife, i truly wish we lived closer to one another, i think we could truly help one another and lift each other up for a lifetime. i know you said that you don't really have a church home right now and i can't stress how much this really may help you. but i know you guys are in a transition phase and just pray that God would lead you to a church in which he would want you to be. i know you've probably read many books in this process since dday and now recovery but you know there is always room to read more and sometimes just "listening" to programs or messages is just what you need to keep you focused. i'm sure i wouldn't be the only one to say that. i don't listen to any kind of music anymore (except when i work out). only music is what we sing in church. i listen exclusively to a Christian radio network that has programs on it 24/7 and it is what i "need" every day and has been such a tremndous help to me these past months.

I've recently ordered some books and a cassette, which i should receive by the end of next week. i went to Dr. James Dobson's Focus on the Family website family.org and went to the resources page and found numerous things that i knew would help me and i think would help you as well. one book was titled "the giving marriage" which says that illness, unbelief, infidelity, etc. can require you to give all you have and then some to your marriage and has lessons to help give you hope to handle situations successfully and lessons on applying marriage strengthening principles. the other book i ordered was "a woman who hurts, a God who heals" kind of self-explannatory but the descriptions says that it's about "Broken dreams, rejection, emptiness — no matter what the hurt is, you can receive healing. Each lesson will help you look into your heart and learn what you perceive about different relational issues. Thought-provoking questions, Scripture lessons and applications, and journaling prompts will help you find the answers" the other book i ordered is titled "living w/your husband's secret wars" which is about how to cope w/your anger and shattered self-image in order to allow the healing process to begin.

the cassette i ordered is called "the Christian woman's search for self esteem/building your mate's self esteem." i'm not sure if that would really apply to your situation but it's just a resource. there are literally hundreds of titles to all audiences on just about any subject. check it out.

girl, you are capable of more than you ever dreamed and you can do it! it does seem to continue to be a "rough road" for you but your are on the right road and what that includes recovery. go back and read all the advice that you have given to me and apply some of it to yourself because you are a wonderful, loving, and caring person who w/some help will live to be in a fully recovered marriage. continued strength and prayers to you, RR

Melody -

Thank you for your response. I feel so much better knowing that I'm not the only one feeling like this. I read situations like RR's and I think I'm being selfish to post some of my own questions. I know she'd give her right arm to have her H with her and that makes me extremely different.

Mel - could you possibly post me a POJA for dealing with this situation? What should i ask for and what should I do for this POJA? We really haven't explored this much except for how FOW is involved. He has promised to tell me if any contact occurs. That's the only POJA we have right now. Can you suggest any others?

Lor - you too have pointed out that I am not alone in these feelings and that this is to be expected. I do know that I need to deal with these feelings without LBs. I've tried to avoid it but sometimes the pain is overwhelming. I think I might need to reread the POJA section on MB and start there. In the meantime I would appreciate any advice you could offer.

Pep - once again you have responded with sound advice and I'd appreciate any thing else you might be able to offer as far as POJA's are concerned. I do think that I am mistified as how I have reacted to everything thus far. I find myself saying "how could I be so calm? how could I let him sleep in my bed knowing what was going on?" I look back and think I must have been held hostage by an alien. I will buckle myself down and prepare for the rocky road of recovery.


Rough - as always you are there for me when you are hurting so bad right now. I do appreciate you. I too wish we lived close together. I would promise to start everyday with coffee and a hug for my Roughroad. What'd I'd give to have someone close to me here...i do feel alone.

We have not found a church home yet, like you thought. We have looked but have spent a great deal of time traveling lately which I'm sure has added to the stress level. I do feel a great deal of guilt for what I have done on my road to recovery. I feel like I have exposed my children to a side of me I didn't know was there. I have LB'd a great deal but for the most part I have done a good plan A....I do realize plan A is not intended for recovery but i have tried to remain the same sweet HERO I was when I was trying to bring him out of the fog.

I liked that part of me. I think he did too. But I have always given him everything and done as much as I could to show him I loved him...I think it was overboard at times. I'm just going about it in a different way now.

You asked how I saw my future M...I see us being happy and in love. I hope we are welcomed with open arms in our new duty station. That's how I see us.

I have to run to a meeting now. I'm sure i'll get yelled at by my client but I'm used to that now.

I'll check back soon and finish my post to rough.

Thanks to you all for responding....I am really down right now. Just blah...I need to be picked up and carried for a little ways...I just can't seem to formulate that request to my H.

heroswife

You and I are at about the same point in recovery. My FWW and I just had one of the blow-outs you just described. I join you in the hair pulling, and am throwing (what's left of) mine in the same pile.

I guess I liken it to driving at night in the midwest. Everything goes pretty doggone good on the journey, but you run into "bugs" (triggers) along the way. After a while, the bugs (a combination of pain, anger, angst)accumulate on the windshield to the point you can no longer "drive" without action; ie, cleaning the windshield (reaching a point of releasing pain), perhaps in a fit of anger.

I have come to terms with the fact that my FWW will NEVER be remorseful enough, sorry enough, proactive in recovery enough, or magically turn into the woman of my dreams (again). The affair has damaged ME to the point I don't know if I'll EVER be fully satisfied with her "efforts" to rebuild the marriage. That may just take a lot more time.

I see things as better than before, a good share of the time, but, yes, the build-up described above DOES happen, and I DO have to speak up and address my feelings. Does my FWW like it? No, it brings her feelings of guilt back to her, and she's very uncomfortable about it, plus, she becomes very defensive, then angry about it. And in spite of the fact that all I've changed about myself permanently while in Plan A, I still have to "blow off steam" from time to time. But our relationship now treats conflicts differently, and we communicate more openly, allowing for more intimacy (mentally), and hopefully, growth.

I think it is normal, and to be expected. I've even informed FWW to expect it from time to time, because I see no way around it, for me to fully heal.

Never, never will the WS fully understand the WALK THROUGH HELL, they've put us through. Not unless the tables were fully turned.

That's my 2 cents worth.

Wishing you well,

SD

<small>[ July 23, 2004, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Heroswife,
How do you feel about St. John's Wort?

You might remember my H is deployed, I had started St. John's during the blah winter months, with H's deployment this spring I thought I'd continue. Recently I stopped taking it and the next thing I know everytime my H calls I'm crying. So, back on St. John's, and crying stopped.

It might be just enough to smooth out some of the lows you are feeling so that you can formulate your requests to your H.

Lor -

I have not tried St. John's wort but i can tell you I'm getting some this afternoon. If you think it might help me I'll try it. I've even thought of getting back on zoloft to get me through this. I do remember you stating that your H is deployed. I hope that all is going well.

Shattered dreams -

It helps to know that you are going through this as well. I was honestly humiliated to come to the board and post these feelings because I felt very selfish.

I'll have weeks of pure bliss where I'm so happy to be with my H and I'm so glad we are a family. Then I'll hit a bump....for me the most recent bump was attending a golf tourney to raise money for our friend's (who many of you remember died in the war)son's college fund.

Seeing his wife (a very close friend of mine) and their child just brought back all the pain I was still healing from when my H decided to have the A.

It just sent me spiralling down. I cried with her and I found myself wondering why her H didn't come home and mine did....only to shatter our world.

I also think I'm struggling with the fact that my H told me he didn't love me and all the fog talk prior to me confronting him wiht the A. He said some pretty terrible things to me. After being busted in the A he swore that his feelings were not because of the A at all but that was simply how he felt. I was crushed. I still am crushed.

Do you talk to your W about that? Do you bring up things she said while she was in the fog and just say "why did you say that and do you really mean it?"

It hurts. I hurt. I am so tired of feeling like this but I know I must go through this if I will ever have my life back together. I love my H. I do. He's a good man and he made a terrible mistake. I forgive him. I just wish I could forget this.


Anyone have any ideas on getting me started with a more defined POJA?

I'll be leaving here soon to drive home. I'll check more tonight when I am home.

Thanks again to all who have responded to me. I do appreciate your help.

heroswife

Do you talk to your W about that? Do you bring up things she said while she was in the fog and just say "why did you say that and do you really mean it?"

I have less trouble dealing with things she said while either in the A or in the FOG, because it was "not my wife" speaking.

Her brain was already "toast", and I hold nothing she said during that time against her. Sure, it was painful to hear, but after learning about the dynamics of the affair, and knowing the mental state a person is in when involved in an affair, I just decided to blow it all off. I'm more focused on the Hear and Now. (hear intentionally misspelled). Most of our previous problems were the result of losing our ability to communicate, and that's what we are working on now.

Especially with these "moments". It gives us a chance to become emotional over a discussion, but to use what we have learned to communicate effectively, but more importantly, fairly, without so much anger, LB's, DJ's, etc. It's funny you can be with someone for 30 years, and lose the ability to communicate with them, eh?

Anyway, I guess that's not an answer to your question, but it's a different way at looking at those remarks that may be an option for you.

SD

Shattered -

I guess I'm still wondering if he's here for the right reasons. One of the fog statements he made was that he didn't have a spark for me anymore. It crushes me to think he had that 'spark' for someone else.

I spoke to him this weekend about the things you and Lor, Pep and Melody said...you know that my feelings are normal. He did admit that he was starting to feel like it didn't matter what he did that I would never get over this.

I told him about the things you guys told me and I also talked about ways to prevent the really down times. I even asked him to remind me how sorry he is and how much he loves me when I start getting down. He promised he'd do anything I needed. He said that he thinks about how bad he hurt me everyday and that it kills him.

I just told him that I know he's sorry and I don't mean to hurt him. I guess it's really hard dealing with all these feelings and us being away from each other. We both travel with our jobs and do not get to see much of each other.

He will be home Friday. I'm going to try to have a fresh start this weekend. I've started taking St. John's Wort. I'm hoping that will help. Now that I'm home I've started my gym routine again and that always makes me feel good.

I just wish I could get through a day without thinking about it all.

I just realized that you were the very first person to post to me. How strange is that? I went back looking for one of my earlier threads. It killed me to read that thread. I was so hurt and so lost.

Anyway, thanks for posting to me and helping me out once again. I do appreciate it.

heroswife

Ahhhhh! The dreaded spark. I have wrestled with that one too. That's what FWW said was missing from our M.

I have tried to explain to her that when you've been married 5, 10, 15, or like me, 30 years, that you cannot compare the "spark" you feel with a new "romance". There is too much history, too much water under the bridge. I do believe, however, that a new spark is possible. I just think it takes a very concerted effort by both parties, and to do that, both parties have to BELIEVE it is possible. That doesn't mean both parties will buy 100% into it, though.

I have a newfound respect and love for my FWW in spite of the fact all is not going like I hoped it would. Yeah, the triggers, the always present question "WHY?" did all this happen. "HOW"? could you have DONE this to me. But, you know, I'm working through that, and committing my energy to positive action in my marriage, and trying to make her realize what she might have lost.

We were grocery shopping the other day, and became separated for a few minutes, no big deal. When we found each other again, I noticed she was red in the face and on the verge of crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said "completely out of the blue, while we were apart, I thought, how could I have ever lived without you".

So, I guess you take the tidbits they offer, and try not to "hope for more than you're ever going to get". It's not a perfect world, and our marriages will always present challenges we'll have to overcome. That's true whether an A knocks the M completely off-balance or not. We BS's are just a little hyper-sensitive to all of these things, and like it or not, we're still the catalyst for making the marriage better than before.

I'm starting to ramble here, I hope what I've written makes some sense. I could see from the start you had the strength to be successful. Don't doubt your strength, especially now. You would have never made it this far without it!

Best wishes

SD

heroswife, thinking of you! continued strength and prayers to you.

SD, what you said made perfect sense. God Bless.

Shattered -

You do make perfect sense and it helps me so much to have my feeling validated by someone in my shoes. I do wonder about the whole spark....looking back I was still in pain from the war and our personal loss...I hadn't healed yet. He was hurting too. We just didn't meet each others needs. I hurts.

I do not feel the same way about him anymore. Not that I don't love him but I do not love him like I did pre A. I just don't. It's different. I love him and know it will come back eventually but right now...this very minute I have trouble giving all of myself to him. I feel like I have to shelter myself from him. Is that craziness?!?!?!

I think but do not say the following:
I sacrifice so much to support your career. I raise our children while working and going to school while you are gone. I get a great job and start to climb my own ladder of success....all the while you are gone. I suffer in silence and support the unit and other families while you are gone. Then we go to a unit where you will be state side for a couple of years and that's when you decide you do not have a 'spark' for me? All those years I spent alone, while other wives were out having their own A's...I sat here and made our house a home. You spend all your free time training for a race or other competition....while I'm taking care of the kids. On Race day or competition day I'm your biggest fan, making sure all your successes are caught on film. I've spent all my birthdays and our anniversaries alone...not to mention the kids milestones you have missed. And suddenly you do not have a 'spark' for me. You make yourself unavailable emotionally for me. You do not come to my events (sporting, company or otherwise) and I do not miss one single event of yours...ofen times missing work and taking the kids out of school so they could witness the glory of their father...and this is how I am repaid.

OK....long vent but that is what I would like to say. I know this is a huge LB and would probably crush him but I would like for him to open his eyes to the selfish acts of the past that one would think would make me a WS. Looking back I'm not sure why I wasn't the WS. The way I feel right now I would think I was very vulnerable.

I love him and know that he loves me but forgiving is not forgetting. I wish I could take a pill and just not remember any of it.

Where would I be without my kids right now?

Oh, just as I'm wrapping up this post...my phone rings. H stepped away from the class he was teaching to call me. He didn't have anything to say except that he was thinking of me and wanted to tell me that he loved me.

I'd say that was one of the tidbits you were talking about, huh Shattered?

Roughroad - I'm looking for your update after Thursday. I found some of your posts but not the one I'm looking for. Help!

wish i had the words to say but sounds like SD is able to help. i almost think a lot of what you vented could be said to your H but of course under the right circumstances and in the right way.

the update on last thursday is under my thread "still going to do....." i'll bump it up for you.

hugs, RR

Heroswife

I'd say that was one of the tidbits you were talking about, huh Shattered?

Yup! There ya go! Funny how they just pop-up now and then. And you know what I figure? I figure that since our FWS's haven't been putting their thoughts into words,by posting on these forums and such, that they are really more heartfelt than we give them credit for.

It means they have had to address the full gamut of emotions they forced us through, and they know they must "give something back". And although their offerings may not be "poetry" or "statesmanlike" in their delivery, it should not diminish the fact that they DID GIVE SOMETHING BACK!

That's the most important part. We must realize that it MUST be done their way, we can't script what they give back. So I welcome and receive with utmost JOY any feedback I get from FWS.

You are doing great! Keep up the good work!

SD

<small>[ July 27, 2004, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>