No it is not strange. Going on a double date with OW and her H allows him to get a fix of his addiction. Of course he will do anything to maintain that.

Any contact takes you H back to square one in withdrawing from this relationship. That includes phonecalss, sightings, even allowing himself to obsessively think of her. I am currently giving up smoking. I am 6 days into it and it is starting to feel a little easier. If I were to go down now and just have a little puff, I KNOW that I would probably smoke a whole packet. It has taken me enormous will powere this week to get this far. I don't want to give in and start again, but just typing this is filling me with a yearning to go down and have a cigarette. That is because I am allowing myself to think about it.

Until your H establishes no contact with this OW recovery will not begin. So in fact he is still in the affair mindset, protecting his vision of the OW, which makes it very hard to see you. He is speaking through lots of fogged thinking and unfortunately he is probably thinking all sorts of nasties about you, because by blaming you and seeing you as the baddie, he is able to justify to himself the immoral things he is doing and thinking.

Just plan A. If he isn't in to having SF with you right now, (which I gather by the fact that you say he does not desire you... did he say this or are you assuming this? ) Then maybe you giving BJs is actually a lovebust. In plan A you can only fulfill the ENs that he will allow you to. Sad, but if you insist on fulfilling a need and it only makes him mad, it is not adding to his LOve bank. Perhaps it would be better to relate to your H that you recognise that you have not done a good job of meeting his need for SF in the past, that you recognise that at present that he does not wish to have you meet this need, bit that should this change, that you are willing to work with him on being able to better meet this need in the future and that you are aviailable to try if that is what he wants.

Just suggestions. You know H best.

I suggest that you get Love must be Tough. The author is Dobson. A lot of what your mother in law is thinking is explained in this book.
It is what eventually got through to my H. However, please read about Plan A, Plan B and the MB approach before making any decisions.

I understand about not wanting to tell you own family. However, it is going to be hard staying with them and not letting on what is going on. I took a while to tell mine for similar reasons, but I did as it was affecting my relationship with them and they were surprisingly more help than I thought they would be even thogh they wanted me to get out of marriage.

Also is OW married. Does she work with H. If so has this been exposed to work, OW H.

Main reason for the post is to see how you are going.
C&S

I suggest you read the post by ark on this forum (I'll bump it up now for you so hopefull it will be near this one when you see it). It is about musings on Plan A. She is wonderful and gives great advice. I suggest you read this thread.
Hope it helps
C&S

OW works with H, has a BF. Does not know. If I say anything my H will walk out the door he said. And he has said that he does NOT desire me. It's not me assuming. He says I'm fat (yeah humongus at a size 8) and unattractive. (in the same breath he says he thinks I'm beautiful). Never felt so ugly in my entire life.
I'm finding it hard to have complete radio silence with H. We do send messages and emails. I miss him terribly, but I have not let him know. My MIL wants me to totally ignore him, to jolt him into realising what it is like to be without me. I can't do. My heart bleeds for him. I saw him today and he looks like ****.
The depression is really setting in, he is pasty white, big dark rings under the eyes, clothes are baggy and he's totally unkempt. It's killing me to see him like this.
But everyone from the psychologist to my family to my MIL says there is nothing I can do until he wants to seek treatment.
He was a little softer to me tonight, actually pecked me on the cheek and said "Sorry I'm putting you through this". I don't know what that means???? Is the guilt setting in???? I'm always clinging on to the hope that I can get my old H back, but everyone is saying I'm grasping at straws. My H could be gone forever. Thank you so much for your concer C&S.
I 've read so much over the past weeks, right now I'm more confused than ever as to what to do. There is no chance in hell he is going to NC with OW.

Read ark's post on plan a. How do you plan a if you aren't emotionally ready? I'm just so hurt. I spend my days trying not to cry. I'm seeing a dr on tuesday about possible treatments of my mood swings.

Read ark's post on plan a. How do you plan a if you aren't emotionally ready? I'm just so hurt. I spend my days trying not to cry. I'm seeing a dr on tuesday about possible treatments of my mood swings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jwk:
<strong> OW works with H, has a BF. Does not know. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">jwk, the first thing you do is pick up the phone and call the OW's boyfriend and tell him what is going on. I would also consider telling his workplace. Exposing the affair to everyone will make the affair very hard to continue because it can't survive long once exposed.

I am not sure what your strategy is, jwk, but I don't see anything you are doing that is going to help your marriage. Giving your H the cold shoulder isn't going to do anything except give him relief. See, he was already disillusioned enough with the marriage to have an affair. Your moving out and cutting him off only makes it easy for him to carry on his affair from the comforts of his home.

He has no reason to ever stop the affair, because YOU ARE ACCOMODATING HIM. You are making it easy for him to destroy your marriage.

NOW, if you moved back home and exposed the affair, you could make it very difficult for him to continue the affair. It would also give you an opportunity to do a thorough Plan A.

Seperating like you have only GREATLY increases your odds of divorce. Why not give the Marriage Builders program a chance, jwk? It is a very successful program that has saved lots of marrriages.

jwk, please get your hands on the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley and read it so you can understand what is happening here. You can order it off this website [they have cheap, fast shipping] or at a bookstore.

Bless your MIL's heart, but she does not know what she is talking about and is giving you bad advice. You can't save your marriage if you aren't THERE. You really need to go home if you want to save your marriage.

Good.
Then expose to the boyfriend and to her work. This will put added pressure on their little fantasy.

Yes of course your H will be mad at you. But exposure is part of a good Plan A. It is designed to help to bring about the end of an affair. Pleas read about Plan A and Plan B and all of Harley's MB concepts.

I am IN Australia and in different time Zone, so I will be off to bed soon. Please listen to Melody what she is telling you is true.
C&S

Good.
Then expose to the boyfriend and to her work. This will put added pressure on their little fantasy.

Yes of course your H will be mad at you. But exposure is part of a good Plan A. It is designed to help to bring about the end of an affair. Pleas read about Plan A and Plan B and all of Harley's MB concepts.

I am IN Australia and in different time Zone, so I will be off to bed soon. Please listen to Melody what she is telling you is true.
C&S

Good.
Then expose to the boyfriend and to her work. This will put added pressure on their little fantasy.

Yes of course your H will be mad at you. But exposure is part of a good Plan A. It is designed to help to bring about the end of an affair. Pleas read about Plan A and Plan B and all of Harley's MB concepts.

I am IN Australia and in different time Zone, so I will be off to bed soon. Please listen to Melody what she is telling you is true.
C&S

Good.
Then expose to the boyfriend and to her work. This will put added pressure on their little fantasy.

Yes of course your H will be mad at you. But exposure is part of a good Plan A. It is designed to help to bring about the end of an affair. Pleas read about Plan A and Plan B and all of Harley's MB concepts.

I am IN Australia and in different time Zone, so I will be off to bed soon. Please listen to Melody what she is telling you is true.
C&S

Done a lot of thinking this weekend. I'm still in a quandry, Melody and C&S. We had a long discussion last night. He basically still thinks he loves her and doesn't love me, he told me he's afraid of trying with us again because he is afriad of finding out that the feelings he had for me are gone.
Everyone is giving me different advice. My MIL is saying since i can't live like this anymore then just leave him and get a divorce. She's saying by me trying so hard to get him back, all I'm doing is pushing him in the arms of the other woman because he knows I'm a sure thing and he has nothing to lose if he pursues her. She says if I give him a divorce, then it will jolt him into realising what he has lost. My sis-in-law on the other hand says since he won't NC with OW, that we should talk to the OW and see if she will NC with him. If she doesn't then we know that everything is BS anyway and they are continuing on with this.
Basically my husband says he won't go back to Florida just yet. If he hates it here so much and there is nothing good in his life, then what is holding him back from going home???? He must be waiting for some kind of decision from her. How do I compete with that??? I've read so much on plan A, but I'm still unsure as to how I CAN do it. He said we need another week away. I'm dying here. I'm thinking I'll let him have the week, then next week I confrnt OW about the NC. Then I start a full fledged Plan A again. Is that wise?

jwk, there is absolutely no reason to contact OW. She already knows he is married and could not care less. If she cared, she wouldn't be associating with him in the first place. It is her goal to destroy your marriage so I can't imagine why you think she would want to help you.

Your best bet is to MOVE HOME and contact her BF and expose her. That will put pressure on the affair to end.

Divorcing your H is a terrible idea, almost as bad as the idea to move out of your house. It almost guarantees the end of the marriage. If you don't want to end your marriage, this is not a step you should take. Divorce shouldn't be used as a "ploy" to get your spouse back. It might very well end up permanent.

I just don't know what else to say to you, jwk. Your MIL and SIL haven't any experience at saving marriages yet you want to listen to them over practicing marriage builder's tried and true principles.

So there isn't much more I can say to help you if you are just going to follow the advice of your MIL. She is giving you advice that is almost SURE to destroy your marriage.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I have a question Melody. If I tell the OW bf and they break up isn't that just catalyst for my H to leave me for her? You've been through this so you know.

My MIL has been through it and she's just telling me her advice by telling me to NOT do the things she did. Which is all the things that I've been doing like trying to fulfill his EN. She said it ultimately dragged everything out for her M because he had the best of both worlds. 2 women that wanted him. I'm still a little confused about the full workings of Plan A. Plan A says don't be confrontational etc about establishing NC. But isn't exposing the affair to her BF VERY confrontational?

jwk, exposure will make the affair very difficult and will force the OW to make a choice. And almost always that choice is their own spouse/SO. If she had really wanted to leave him, she would have already done so. The affair can't survive long without secrecy, so when you expose it, it shines the light of day on it. Her BF can also put pressure on the affair to end.

It is the single most EFFECTIVE thing you can do to break up the affair.

As far as your MIL's advice about having 2 women meeting his needs, she is right but she is WRONG about the timing. She is essentially advocating JUMPING to Plan B before you have done a good Plan A which leaves you very vulnerable for a divorce and the end of your marriage. [divorce is not the solution to marital problems, btw]

If you jump to Plan B too soon, as she is advocating, the WS is just RELIEVED and glad to be rid of you in his current frame of mind. It gives him an opportunity to NOT MISS YOU, but rather to CEMENT the relationship with the OW. In essence, you are HELPING his affair by moving out.

On the other hand, if you stay home, execute a good Plan A for a while and try to meet his needs, by the time you go into Plan B, you have attracted him enough that he MISSES YOU.

But he doesn't miss you now. He was already in a frame of mind where he was seeking out the OW. So you have to get him in a NEW frame of mind before you go into Plan B if it is to have any effect. See what I mean?

Melody, do I have to be the one that spills the beans to the BF? Or can I send an anonymous letter or email? I'm trying not to look like the bad guy in my H's eyes. He already thinks that everything is my fault. He told me initially that if I told the OW's BF, that the BF would beat her up etc etc. And he would never forgive me and walk out if that happened. I know that is emotional blackmail on his part, but I really believe him when he says that.
Does it really matter HOW the BF finds out?

jwk, you will be the bad guy no matter what you do in his eyes. The truth is that you are not the bad guy here, he is. You can't let your fear of your H stop you from doing the right thing.

He can't very well get mad at you for exposing the affair if there is nothing wrong with the affair, as he claims.

And I will also tell you that it is VERY COMMON that we hear WS' claim that the spouse will "harm" the OP if they find out in order to keep the BS quiet. It is almost always BS designed to shut you up. If he was so bad, then the OW wouldn't likely be doing something to enrage him, like having an affair. Don't believe it, jwk.

It really is best that you communicate with the BF, because he can become your ally in all this.

I really have to reassess my game plan now. I wouldn't even begin to know how to contact the BF. I don't know where they live, I don't have a phone number. This might take awhile then because I have to go snooping around to try and get a phone number I can use.
Another question, if what my H says IS true and the BF does beat up on her, won't my H in his current state of mind just want to go protect her? How do I do damage control in that situation? Because then in his eyes it will REALLY be MY fault. WHat do I do in that situation? Then collectively, me and the BF are the bad guys.

jwk, if your H really cared about her getting beat up, then why is he having an affair with her? Ask yourself that, it just doesn't add up. I don't believe it for a minute. I can't count the times on here we have heard that bogus story used to keep a BS from spilling the beans.

jwk
You can rest assured that when you tell OW bf that you H will be angry. He will be angry with you. You will have thratened his fix.

But the real reason he wants you to protect his dirty listtle secret is not out of fear for the OW safety. If that were the case why would he continue his affair with her if it put his beloved OW's safety in jeapordy.

The OW BF may or may not be violent. If he is such a bad guy, I wonder why the OW continuse in a relationship with him when she is not comitted by marriage?

I think that if you think about it you will see that hte reason you H is adamant that you not let OW bf know is that you H knows that that would threaten his relationship with OW. Your H is scared that the BF knowing may spell the end of his affair with OW.

What you MIL is saying is like Plan B. It is not the best thing to do at this stage. Plan B is effective after a good Plan A. At the moment your H is telling you that he has lost his in love feelings for you. In other words his love bank is empty. He does not see you as a viable alrenative to the OW.

Plan A allows you to be the best you, that you can be. It allows you to present YOu as an alternative to the OW. Exposure is a part of Plan A as it removes the secrecy aspect of the thrill and exposes it to the scrutiny of other significants in the affair partners lives. This begins to bring a healthy dose of reality to the affair. You don't have to be clingy in Plan A. In fact I would suggest that you don't be clingy. Read Arks musings again. I think her approach is a great approach for Plan A. Her approach does not sound clingy to me.

Great to hear from you. Hope you go home soon and start Plan Aing. The time for Plan B may come one day, but now is proabably too soon.

C&S