Is OW's H aware of the continued contact?
It may be time to expose!
Then consider Plan B.
The M will not recover with continued contact!

I was thinking the same thing as STILL, I was wondering on the expose, then go straight to PLAN B


I think what you did was wonderful and took alot of strength . Now that you know he got his fix going again , I think you can see that he needs to hit bottom .

NO way faster then exposing the contact to OWH , then have the PLAN B letter ready to roll .

JMO. !!!!!

Hi Lost,

Your husband sounds exactly like how my husband use to to be. The only difference is that I didn't know he was going through withdrawl from an affair at all until much later.

I feel for you so much....you must be made of some strong stuff! Looking back I don't know if I could've been the friend I was to him if I had known what was really going on....then again maybe some things are blessings in disguise.

Ok..now a little advice....

Be there for your husband when it's ok for you emotionally to do so. You don't want to drain yourself dry. Your going to need all you have to work on recovery when he really does end things with the OW.

Because I didn't know about the A until much later I listen to my FWH all the time. He would call from work everyday crying that he wanted to die, so depressed and in obvious agony. I just sat and listened to him and said comforting things to him to try to help him though what I thought was the beginning of a nervous breakdown!

During that time I was in plan A and I was reading everything thing I could about emotional needs. So every chance I got I used to show him how our marriage could be different.

But...it took me awhile to figure out how to Plan A withour draining my own bank and being a doormat at the same time...

So I started making rules for myself..for example when I knew he was calling I didn't stop whatever I was doing to go answer the call I let the voice mail pick up, and I would return his call but only when I decided to. A lot of time he caught me emotionally weak at certain moments and that always upset me afterwards because I end up LBing and regreting my neediness showing.

Many times after DD he talked to me about the OW....and I did sit and listen about his heartbreak, but it got to the point where again I had to put some boundaries up. I mean it's one thing to share heartbreak, but I think they forget that they are also breaking our hearts as well. So I just told my husband and made him aware that I loved him and wanted to be there for him...that I know this woman hurt him... and as someone in his life that cares for him very much it makes me mad and sad that OW hurt him this way. But I can not listen to every detail about her and their time together. I made it very clear how much he matter to me and that I would do whatever I could to be supportive...but that I do need to take care of and protect myself too.

Sorry for the long post....I only wanted you to know that being there for my husband turned out to be a huge love deposit later......and that you can still be there but do it on your terms....

Rachel

Wow, I admire your ability to be there for WH while he is admitting love or attraction to OW. It must hurt you terribly. I didn't do that, and, as a result, I have been in a painful and unsteady situation for over seven years. I believe you are doing what I should have and soon you will be rewarded. That is true love, and he will soon recognize it as such. If he doesn't, he's, perhaps, not worth the effort. But it sounds as though he will and your marriage will soon be stronger than ever. At least you can be proud of yourself and your kind and unselfish efforts. And even if they are a bit selfish, they are kind. He'll never have a better friend than you. panne

Here's a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to everyone that replied. I really do appreciate every comment and piece of advice.

Yes, OWH does know about the A. After he found out, he started MC w/ OW and bought her a new SUV. He took her on a nice vacation. They're pretty well off. OWH makes 1/4 mil+ per year. My WH only makes about 40k per year. OW is a SAHM w/ 3 small children. When all is said and done, I don't think she'll really leave, but I'm afraid she is going to string WH along for some time yet. WH probably won't completely give up hope until OW decides to end things for real. I'm not sure I can wait that long. I want a marriage w/ 2 people who love and respect eachother. I don't have that right now. Sometimes I don't think this marriage will ever be like that again.

It's all so very sad. We were best friends and inseparable at one time. It makes me cry to remember those times.

Gotta go. Daughter has dance practice. I'll check in later.

Thanks again guys for being there.

L&A

Have you let OW's husband know that there is contact again? I think I would do that to enlist his help.

Other than that, might be time for Plan B.

Hi L&A,

Your posting indicated that your love bank is nearly empty. When I was asked that question about a month ago and I said I had little left...this is what JR responded.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Somewhere in my heart there is a little box with love still in it

JR: That's a really important thing... if you do plan on going into Plan B, do so with a *little* left in the bank... the idea will be to let the rest seep away more *slowly* than it is now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Leave a little gas in your tank so you can go to Plan B...they tell me we'll need it for recovery which is why I am Plan B bound also. Tomorrow is the day I go. This is a little like parachute jumping. Geronimo! Stay strong for you and your D.