Tom,

I am sorry but I disagree with your wife. Being a stay at home is nice if you can afford it as a couple and that is what you choose to do as a family. But, SHE is choosing to break up that family and start a new life and already has another relationship. I can't see it being your responsibility to support her when she is no longer your wife. Let the OM support her as she is accustomed to.

It appears that she is being lazy. She doesn't want to go out and work and support herself and her children, she still wants you to do it. Some women go on and get into government housing, live on food stamps and child support and never work (OW did that).

She has to understand that as your Ex-wife, she is no longer your responsibility nor are you hers. Your relationship will be about your children and their welfare. I have always worked and my children are not mistreated, or in anyway not getting the best life we can give them. Our daughters are very loving and well adjusted girls. Your kids will be fine if your wife has to get a job.

If she feels unable to take care of them, maybe you can take care of them until she is capable? If she is uneducated, schools have great financial aid for single mothers and work study programs to help financially. There are always options.

Cathy

Hi Tom,

Sounds like your wife's gotten some bad info..."She tells me that none of that matters and a judge won't care, and she doesn't care." While Florida is a "no fault" state for divorce as well as insurance, I believe your wife has her "info" a little twisted. Please tell me that you've talked with a lawyer and know what the scoop is re. divorce in the Sunshine State.

DO NOT believe the horses*#t that your WW is feeding you. Get yourself next to an attorney ASAP!

<small>[ August 07, 2004, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: Ron53 ]</small>

Ron,

TY Ron, I don't really know. But I do have a lawyer, damn expensive too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I never thought I would think this way, but I'd rather give $$ to a blood sucking attny than to HW Steve.

Binder - How long does D take in Canada? Whatever happens, you will be happy again.

Ron - Sounds like you and your wife are doing much better.

Tom - I wish your wife would post. What is up with that?

Believer

The Divorce Act in Canada is federal legislation so all 10 provinces and 3 territories fall under the same rules regarding that aspect. A no fault divorce can be granted in after one year of separation. One can get one earlier if mental cruelty is proven (difficult) or adultery is proven (also difficult). Sex outside the marriage even during the separation is considered adultery. To prove it you pretty much need a signed affidavit from the adulterer. The adulterer cannot file citing their own transgression as the cause.

Living in different rooms under the same roof can still be considered a separation. Any reconciliation for 90 + days starts the clock over again and in my case would render the separation agreement void.

Technically my separation began 03Dec15. That’s the date we started our “constructive separation” as recommended by our incompetent MC. I saw the date 04Dec15 highlighted in my WW’s day timer before she actually moved all her stuff into her new house. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If she does file after that date we will embark upon "desk top divorce" as all of our property division and child rearing responsibilities have been defined under the separation agreement. A few months would be all it would take from that time.

If we had a contested divorce with property and child custody issues to resolve via a judge, it could take years (and tens of thousands of $) before it was final.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 01:02 AM: Message edited by: Binder ]</small>

I spent the day with OMW and another friend today. We went to the Uptown art fair in Mpls and later OMW and I had coffee and dinner.

OMW said she was in a good mood until she got into my neighborhood. We met at a coffee shop, not my house - it's just that my house is close to where we were going and she lives in the 'burbs. Anyway, when she got into my neighborhood she met the sparrow driving in the opposite direction. Seeing my WW bummed OMW out pretty bad. Funny though, the sparrow has no business down in my neighborhood any more. She's relocated to a completely different part of town. So anyway, later this evening, about an hour after OMW had gone home to get her child from OM, a car matching the description of his went whizzing by my house - my friend and I were out on the porch.

I have a feeling the sparrow wants to get her mail, but doesn't have the courage or desire to even talk to me to arrange to come by for it. Instead she makes little sorties by the house to see if I'm away, is the theory.

I think I need to change my locks and not have this kind of thing to sweat over.

I assume I'm right to not make it easy and convenient for her to retrieve this stuff. She is avoiding me and our house, because both weaken her resolve. I will not agree to deliver it or mail it to her. If she wants it, she's going to have to come get it, and if she comes here when I'm away, she probably won't look for it where I've got it. Not that it's hidden really.

Eventually she'll get the courage to call and ask me to leave it on the porch for her. The turkey.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I'm pretty down tonight, and I go on a bit when I feel this way. But I'm carrying on and feeling generally good.

Tomorrow morning, my friend is coming over for pancakes. I've got a busy day later, so I'm getting a life. No worries there. Cooking and cleaning is going fine. I'm already getting better at it.

GC

Binder, that groveling, showy stuff you did - I was very tempted to do some of the same. One thing that helped was my WW's stepfather, who has been a BH himself and warned me against it.

Actually though, when he told me that, I'd already seen enough on MB to know not to. This place has done more for my mental health than anything else. Without it, I don't know where I'd be right now. I know that getting here would have been a lot worse.

FM, how serious are you about filing for D?

Thanks, believer. I dig this thread.

GC

Binder -

I think the Canadian D laws are better than here in the states. A one year separation is good, because at least there is lots of time to be sure. Gosh, in Idaho, the D can go through in 6 weeks!

I had a great evening. Went fishing at night on the pier with my sons. We used those little glow lights, and caught tons of mackeral. As soon as you throw the line in, those fish bite.

When I came home, my 2 friends had been to my house and redecorated my sun room, with an Asian theme. Kinda like the TV show "While you were out." I was so surprised.


Graycloud -

You are sooooooo bad! I love your idea of making sparrow come get her mail.

I'm glad that you are supporting OM's wife. My WH's OW's husband and I are now great friends. We compare notes, and have been able to figure out the lies.

Yup GC, you're doing far better at your stage of the game than I was. I didn't have the template that MB provides . Found this site late in the game otherwise I would have played it a whole lot different. Shuda, coulda, woulda...

Wasted energy looking back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong>
FM, how serious are you about filing for D?

GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was as serious as a heart attack until my W showed up today at my front door unannounced looking like crap asking could she come in? I let her in, but I didnt let her see MY children. We talked and she cried, I cried she slept. Her Dr. has her on Xanax/Zanex so now I gotta look up the side effects of the meds. She says they don't help her depression, just make her sleepy. She's only been taking them for 3 days, but I will look into it. She's conked out IN MY BED as I type this. I dont know what to do! After a long talk with my NOW 14 yr old daughter...(turned 14 this morning)I promised to hang in there!

I'm scared because my own ego and frailty might not hinder me from doing the things I need to do to keep her here. My W was staying at a shelter! I can't allow that, though I cant allow her to have contact with OM! HELP..please! I'm LOST. I hope someones up to respond to this post. Do I sleep on the couch? Should I have let her back? She hasn't written a NO CONTACT letter but she says she will not contact him, but to me that's not enough. She's in and out and groggy and so depressed. I fear for her safety as well as our M. Anyone home? Please respond, this is crucial to say the least. WOW! She's in my bed? She's only done that twice in a month and a half???

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Oh boy.

Just about to turn in FM and saw your heap o trouble in this thread.

I've developed a new appreciation for tough love, but a mess like that comes to the door and essentially collapses.... I'd probably let her sleep (by herself), but have a cab for her the minute she wakes up unless she follows through on the NC letter and whatever other conditions you have for her return.

A little compassion may be appropriate for the time being, but nothing has changed. Keep your boundaries and don't let it happen again. It's easier to keep her out than get her out. The feeling may be transient and she may see it differently in the AM.

Good luck, I'll be checking up in the morning myself to see what happened.

Gotcha Binder!
Let her sleep, don't get attached and if she doesnt follow thru on the NO CONTACT letter..send her packing. THat will be hard because its officially our D's birthday tomorrow..but afterwards REALITY checks back in!

I will be strong, its the whole H protect your W thing that's kicking in, but I must remember she's choosing this NOT me...I'm only attempting in reacting to her bad choices in the best interest of my Family, right? SHe looks so pathetic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It's time to show up for the real deal though, meaning it's time to bite the bullet. I need the No Contact Letter written or she's out on her kester after the B-Day.

Pray for me people. Being who I am as H, and her best friend all these years...putting her out afterwards IF she doesnt write that letter will be the one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Tough Love and nothing else.


BUT your right she might see things different 2morrow and I wont have to usher her on her way..BLAH..if she wants to leave and wont have me stoppng her..I kinda enjoy not having someone around all mopey over another guy anyways...GEESH! We'll see what tomorrow brings.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My D's 14 HOORRAYY>....I guess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> How'd dat happen?
FM

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Are you asking where should you sleep?

How about the floor next to your bed?

Take another one for your M tonight, FM. What harm will one more night of nurturing do?

I hope your daughter's birthday wasn't ruined.

Your WW has to agree to NC or leave. You don't want her in a shelter, but she's royally screwing up your home. My opinion. Be kind and be her liferaft, but don't allow her to stay and hurt you and damage her family. She has to choose between recover and despair I think. Love Must Be Tough.

GC

I gotta conk, FM. Update us when you can tomorrow.

What kind of birthday plans do you have for your girl? Or was everything celebrated on Saturday?

Don't wait around while your WW lolls around on prescriptions and sulks on the couch and wallows in self-pity. These are her ways of staying without having to make a commitment. She makes herself pitiful so she can be cared for while she sits on the fence. She must understand that recovery takes time, and she has to get serious.

I have high hopes for you, but the road will be rough.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> Are you asking where should you sleep?

How about the floor next to your bed?

Take another one for your M tonight, FM. What harm will one more night of nurturing do?

I hope your daughter's birthday wasn't ruined.

Your WW has to agree to NC or leave. You don't want her in a shelter, but she's royally screwing up your home. My opinion. Be kind and be her liferaft, but don't allow her to stay and hurt you and damage her family. She has to choose between recover and despair I think. Love Must Be Tough.

GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She told me she CHOOSES her family because she knows this is where she belongs. I told her do what you know is RIGHT for you to do, your emotions will change over time. Do and your a$$ will follow is my motto!

Earlier before she fell out we talked for an hour and she expressed her desire to make this work. She said she loves me and wants to be here but She cant promise if he called she wouldnt listen or respond. HOW DO I REACT TO THAT? I didnt when she said it, I just told her to DEAD her cellphone, maybe we need to relocate, maybe she should change jobs if he's contacting her there...
I'm gonna confront this little [censored]....He'd better not call AGAIN!

I'm gettin mad now. It's not his fault but he's a participant in destruction of my family, the little ^#^%#$^$!!

Okay...calm down FM but if he contacts her again after we had a heart to heart...lord help me.

She has to promise to reject OM and do it now, and has to have enough faith in you and in your M and in herself to know her desire for him will go away.

Has to has to has to. This is non-negotiable.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by graycloud:
<strong> She has to promise to reject OM and do it now, and has to have enough faith in you and in your M and in herself to know her desire for him will go away.

Has to has to has to. This is non-negotiable.

GC </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I gotcha GRAY..
No soft stuff with me going on partner. I will remain steadfast in my objective. Tomorrow will be a big turning point, either she womans up for the work ahead of us or she hits the bricks!

FM -

This is very good news. Your wife needs to be on anti-D's. Get her to the doctor. Zanax is a sedative, and is addictive.

You can do this. Be the leader, and help her. As soon as the anti-D's kick in, insist on NC. Your are going to win this one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> FM -

This is very good news. Your wife needs to be on anti-D's. Get her to the doctor. Zanax is a sedative, and is addictive.

You can do this. Be the leader, and help her. As soon as the anti-D's kick in, insist on NC. Your are going to win this one. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel that way too....Believer
But I need to have a talk with this young guy though....one last time...after my W writes this letter he'd better stop contacting and I mean it.. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHH

Thanks for your vote of confidence, I could kiss you Believer..(on the cheek of course)

FM - Try to get some sleep. You will need it. Then be there for your wife. It sounds that she has had a horrible time.

Get her to the doc for anti-D's. She will be in withdrawal, which will be hard. But I see lots of hope here.