My H just came by to pick up our son for the evening. I asked him why he calls from the driveway instead of coming to the door. His response was "It's too hard to see you rightnow. The pain is too much to take." He just lokks at me with emptiness. I just came back inside and I'm having a breakdown. I hurt so bad. I don't know what to do to get through this. I just can't handle it!!! I feel so helpless!
I AM trying so hard to be strong but it is so difficult!!!! I love my H so much and miss him dearly! I just want my family back. Ok, I need to go becasue I can't see through my own tears right now!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TreeReich:
<strong> He just lokks at me with emptiness. I just came back inside and I'm having a breakdown. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy this sounds oh to familiar for me.
I am the WS
Husband is BS
M for 8yrs
2 children
4 A's
Recovery 3yrs
Hang in there. And if your still debating on telling family, here is my situation.
I never told my parents but My H told his seperated/ remarried parents by accident and to this day I still feel akward around them, wondering if they think less of me.
God bless you both, you are in my prayers.

TreeReich,

So sorry for your sorrow. I Know you may not believe this, but these last few months a have become a great believer in the therapeutic value of tears( remember I am one of those neanderthal men)!

Keep posting your thoughts and feelings, it will get you thru the hardest of times. Not many people get a chance to cry in front of 36 thousand plus friends.

As always you are in our prayers!

Tree, have you considered getting some anti-deps? I know exactly how you feel, but just know that you will not always feel this way.

One thing that really helped me when my [last] H left me was throwing myself into exercise. I went out and bought the toughest exercise tapes [The Firm] I could find. They were so damn hard that when I exercised I could lose myself for that hour. It was pure bliss and an escape from my pain. Even today, when I put those tapes on, I just MELT.

Keep your chin up!

Tree, I just wanted you to know you and your family are in my prayers. I too am going through a rough time in my marriage, and when I get really low I pray, even if it the Lord's Prayer, I say it over and over. I really do not know what to say to help ease your pain, however there are a lot of wise men/women her listen to them, it does help when you do.

Sending a big warm hug your way.

Hurtin

{{{{{{{{TreeReich}}}}}}}}

Listen to ML; she is wise. Exercise is a wonderful, cathartic, healthy way to get some nasty things out of your system. I swim most every day. I'm getting much more fit, and I'm looking better all the time (except for the chlorine-fried hair that's now turning gray).

I kind of miss crying, Cy. Since the ADs I've done very little. I was never a cryer, but during the first six weeks of this, it seemed to be all I did. Sometimes outrageous sobbing. Once I was on the highway, and it got so bad I had to pull into a rest stop. I bawled in my car for about half an hour and fell asleep in the back seat. Ah, good times.

TR, unfortunately, there is only one way through this. Straight down the middle. Do as much as you can to make yourself strong, healthy, and positive about the future, and hope something happens to get you off the pain train before you reach the other end.

GC

Thank you all so much for just hearing me and offering support!
After my H and son left tonight I went to the movie and dinner with some friends. It was nice to get away and laugh. I miss that! My H was here when I got home. We talked a little and he said that this house doesn't even feel like home to him anymore. He said his car is his home. I can tell that he is hurting also. I told him that this will always be his home and that me and my son are his home. I was very calm and sweet. I just told him that we want him home and miss him. Left it at that.
I just want my family back!!!
About the Anti-D's....I am going to the Doc. next week to get a refill on the one's I already have. I may have to up the dose though.
I do walk everyday and that makes me feel good. I've even found myself jogging . I'll be 100lbs. before all of this is over with.
Thanks for the prayers...I need them. All of you will be in mine also.

TR,
You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for !

At my lowest, I couldn't stand a phone conversation with friends, much less a movie or night out !!!

You're on the ride we call the rollercoaster, you've heard it before, but now you're getting the hang of it.

Days will be up, and then up again, and then boom, the bottom will fall right out from under you.

You did GREAT tonight !! Stay in your plan. H is feeling it, and he's starting to communicate with his feelings of detachment from his family. This will work well for you...remember...his home...the lighthouse.

I do feel pretty good about tonight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
H just stopped back by to get something and he gave me a hug and told me to sleep good. That's somewhat of a start right??? Well, at least it made me feel good and maybe I'll actually get some sleep tonight. FINALLY!!!!
You are right....his home...the lighthouse!!!!!

TR,

Stick with us, we'll get you through this !!

Now I have some of my own recovery to work on. I did a terrible thing tonight and have to do some damage control. I made a rude comment at dinner (at a restaurant no less) about the A to my H. Very bad. It was in poor taste, and really made him angry.

That's another reason I hang here so often. There is much to be learned here my friend.

Have a great sleep !!!!!

Good luck to you!!! I'm going to bed now and hope to dream wonderful things.
See you all tomorrow.
Good night!

Hang in there Tree!

Really, look into some anti-D. I did, and they really help. I'm not shaking so much anymore.

Everyone here is great support. You are in good company here.

And yes, you did great tonight.

I'm there with you..... K

Well, I slept very good last night but once again when I awoke I felt so alone and trying to figure out what to do with my day to keep my mind occupied. Usually on Saturdays...my H, son and I would go to lunch and spend the day doing something. It's hard for me to get used to him not being here to share the day with me.
Betrayed....do you have the story about the lighthouse????

T

Here you go sweetie. Hope today finds you in a great mood. Believe....it's all about the attitude. If you believe, it will come easy.

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....
OK that's really out there I know....

strength to you all..
ARK

Thank you betrayed!
I needed to heat that again!!!!!!! I am doing ok this morning so far. My H just came to get our son. They will be back shortly. My H didn't say much to me but looks at me with hurt in his eyes. He says this house is too painful for him to stay in. I'm trying to make it less painful for him....very hard. I was thinking of painting and getting some fresh flowers to put all around the house. I want him to come home so I will try my best to make it very inviting. Any suggestions?
I'm hoping that I will be strong today and be able to enjoy the weekend. Thanks for all your support!!!!

Hang in there Tree!

The lighthouse is a good analogy.

I reminded me that my WH told me a couple of times lately that I am his rock. That he can always find comfort with me.

I want to be that rock, even though I feel like quicksand most of the time.

You're on the right track.... even though you are lonely right now. We have to believe that this will turn out right.

Keep shining! K

Hang in there Tree!

The lighthouse is a good analogy.

It reminded me that my WH told me a couple of times lately that I am his rock. That he can always find comfort with me.

I want to be that rock, even though I feel like quicksand most of the time.

You're on the right track.... even though you are lonely right now. We have to believe that this will turn out right.

Keep shining! K

Tell him you forgive him. And tell him you hope he can forgive himself. Remind him he isn't a bad person, he made a bad choice. He can be redeemed, your M can and WILL be wonderful again.

Tell him your working on you, to be a good wife, a good mother, and good friend to him.

I would do the fresh flowers, I would put on some music, open the windows, and be happy with today. Be greatful for you little boy.

Carry your head high, walk with grace and peace.

This will speak loudly to him. Your words will be empty, but your actions will scream to his soul.

I don't think I can say that I forgive him becasue deep in my heart I haven't. I can try all the othr things but forgiveness will have to come in time.
I will have our son tonight and I just keep wondering where my H will be and what he'll be doing??? How do I get over this??? I wish I could erase all of this out of my mind. Any good advice on that???? I'm trying to find a focus so that when those thoughts enter my mind I focus on that one thing that brings me peace.

Tree -

You are still very early in all of this, and yes, it is miserable. BUT you can survive this, and not only survive, but thrive. The lighthouse post is a great example.

I was like you, feeling terrible. But I decided that since WH was not going to help me, I would have to help myself. I took up exercising, organized, cleaned, rearranged, detailed the car, painted, dejunked, did the yard. And my children are out of the house. This was for me.

Suddenly my self esteem started rising. I was living in a peaceful oasis. Friends and neighbors dropped by and I was proud of my efforts.

So you need to get busy, get going girl. Do things to make your home the lighthouse.

Your thoughts are not you. They are just thoughts. Everytime you wonder what WH is up to, just change your thoughts to your home, the lighthouse. Soon you will not obsess.