I may have to officially move to the recovery board (except i like you all too much!!)

Last night H and I had a very productive talk.

The past two weeks has contained way too much emotional turmoil. Prior to going to IC, H told me he was 100% willing to be available to talk tonight. I thanked him but then I told him how hard i felt sharing with him was going to be for me right now because of how much turmoil there has been. I told him i was really worried that we were both reaching empty and that i felt we needed to discuss what we could do to really pro-actively protect each other from sliding farther down. he liked that idea too.

i think the two of us both acknowledging the need to protect each other helped right then and there. we had a low-key but pleasant enough evening. once the kids were in bed we talked. i have spent so much time posting to other topics already that i am going to keep this short. the bottomline was that we both talked about what we need in order to move forward.

We realized that H has a srong need to feel he is a good H, especially right now. because he worked so hard at addressing the problems in our marriage over the last few years and he really felt he made a lot of positive changes. having the revelation of the A come after all that work is really hard for him to deal with.

We also realized that i have a strong need to feel comforted and cared about when i am feeling low. There are things that trigger me into feeling intense rejection/neglect and when that happens he feels the full brunt of it. like it is all his fault when in fact he is sure (as am i) that my reaction is really not due to his actions as much as my perception of his actions. i hope that makes sense. since he is super sensitive to being told that he is doing something wrong, especially right now, my getting upset so much sends him that message. even if i am upset because of emotional pain coming up due issues coming up in IC because i am not being clear as to why i am upset. truth be told, a lot of times i don't know why i am feeling so upset. i just know i am feeling so upset. so he takes it to mean i am upset because of him.

We realized how those two needs have been working against each other.

So this is the plan. Since he is usually more level headed and able to keep his thinking clearer than i can when i get emotional, he is going to try to stop and remember this conversation we had last night and beleive that what is going on has less to do with his actions and more to do with my inner child and he is going to try to just offer me comfort. He acknowledges that it will be tough to do if i am directly attacking him vrs i am just emotionally upset. usually the pattern is that first i get emotionally upset and if i don't get the comfort i am needing so much it escalates into me directly attacking some action/inaction of his.

I am writing myself a note to put into my purse which i will read whenever i start to feel like i am slipping into a depression. i have not exactly decided what is going to be in this note yet. the biggest point will be to remind me that H loves me!

He tells me that, when i am not emotionally upset, i am doing a very good job at being patient and loving and giving him a lot of positive feedback. that was good to hear and i am going to be sure to continue doing the nice things i am doing when i am in a good emotionaly state.

ok, this turned out longer than i meant. good think i am a quick typist. thanks for all for listening and supporting me so much. my wish is that we all find our way into happy/fufilling marriages. Love to you all. Karen

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 12:34 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

hello out there!!! isn't anyone going to say congrats or way to go or i'm so happy to hear about your progress??? we all hear so much hard stuff here. i'm giving you all a nice opportunity to read an upbeat post instead. wake up people!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> FinallyLearning: well, it looks like you chose a VERY appropriate name!! Congrats on the progress you are making, not only on yourself, but your M too!! Way to go, Girl!!!

PS - If you feel you must go the Recovery board, OK, but don't forget to keep some posting here too! (I don't usually reply to these, but it's great to read a good story for a change...you're right, there is too much hurt! I really am glad for you!)

Hi Karen,

I'm not sure that I have posted to you before but I have followed your story.

I want to congratulate you on how you handled talking with your H.You both were attentive to each other's feelingsneeds and talked it out to a point you were both comfortable with.That's a huge deal.The building blocks toward a healthier and happier marriage are in your grasp and you are taking the right steps to get there.That's what we all need to be doing.

Great job,you should feel good about that!

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

now thats what i was talking about.

thanks YL and OctoberGirl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I do feel very good about last night.

and this morning i left him a short note in a card i had laying around (one of those cards you get in the mail asking for donations) it was a nice card that said have a very nice birhtday, so i crossed out the "birth" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

and i wrote in there. Welcome to Karen and Mike's First Official NO STRESS DAY. (at the end of the day last night i had made the comment... how about tommorow we have a day of NO STRESS).

i wrote in the note that i loved him and appreciated him. then i kinda summerized the main points from our talk, about how important it was to him that i let him know he is a good husband and how important it is that i learn to ask for comfort when i need it. i forget exactly what i wrote now. but he did tell me that he got the note and that it was very nice. we also agreed to each find something nice to do for the other today. i have not decided what i will do yet (the note was not it). i know a foot rub or back rub is always appreciated but i was hoping to come up with something different.

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 01:18 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

FL,
Its a great leap forward. Remember to hold onto it. I know you're excited, so just go slow with him. Let him choose the pace for recovery. God always shows up on time. Seldom early , but never late! You are learning that the pain is worth the reward.
Roman

FL - that's frickin' wonderful! I love it! Mondo congrats and keep up the good (albeit hard) work!

- Kimmy

Congrats FL,

and great bump. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

May God bless you both.

KY

hi roman,

yes i am excited but i hear what you are saying about going slow. it is just nice to have such a positive interaction for a change. but i know there is still much work to be done. especially in myself. and we have many milestones to deal with too. we are getting close to the 6 month point and i have heard many talk about how a BS seems to have more anger at 6 months. i'm kinda hoping somehow that will not happen with us. i continue to believe my situation is not the norm in the sense that H did the stuff other BSs do when an A is first discovered (he just didn't know it). so when the A was discovered he didn't have the job of looking at himself to see what he did to make the marriage vunderable, so i'm thinking he hit the anger phase right away. i guess i am just looking for a way to hope that there wont be an increase of anger at 6 months. but at the same time i am trying to prepare myself. i want to help him through whatever phases he needs to go thru.

anyway, did you see what i posted to you in the other topic? (sorry, i know multiple topics can be a pain but i wanted to write about last night's talk in a new topic).

this is what i posted to you in the "can't sleep" topic, in response to your answer about memorization work...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hi Roman,

I did not do any memorizing at first. i found myself wanting to hurry through the book too fast (cut thru the book as you put it). But I will now go back to the beginning and do the memorizing too. I will also slow down my reading to allow myself time to digest what i am reading, take notes and reflect. I think sharing thoughts on each chapter here will help us both slow down a bit and therefore get the most benefit.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

thanks kimmy and ky (i'm glad you liked my bump technique!! )

i think the two of us both acknowledging the need to protect each other helped right then and there.

Isn't it amazing at how sometimes the simplest little insight opens up the door to a deeper level of healing?


We realized that H has a srong need to feel he is a good H, especially right now.

And forever. Make complimenting him a priority for you ... especially when it may seem difficult to find a compliment ... THAT is the time to try harder.


We also realized that i have a strong need to feel comforted and cared about when i am feeling low.

Good.

There are things that trigger me into feeling intense rejection/neglect and when that happens he feels the full brunt of it. like it is all his fault when in fact he is sure (as am i) that my reaction is really not due to his actions as much as my perception of his actions. i hope that makes sense.

Sure.... and one thought, do you think any of this might be cyclic or hormonal?

since he is super sensitive to being told that he is doing something wrong, especially right now, my getting upset so much sends him that message.

Sure, he hears.. "You are not a good husband even tho you've been trying."

even if i am upset because of emotional pain coming up due issues coming up in IC because i am not being clear as to why i am upset. truth be told, a lot of times i don't know why i am feeling so upset. i just know i am feeling so upset. so he takes it to mean i am upset because of him.

Then make it crystal clear ... "Honey, I just need to vent. I am upset and I don't know why. Hold me."


We realized how those two needs have been working against each other.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So this is the plan. Since he is usually more level headed and able to keep his thinking clearer than i can when i get emotional, he is going to try to stop and remember this conversation we had last night and beleive that what is going on has less to do with his actions and more to do with my inner child and he is going to try to just offer me comfort.

And it IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to ask for simple comfort. Don't make him try to guess your intentions. You're a big girl ... tell the man. Get good at asking for what you want, and it becomes easier and easier to actually GET results.

He acknowledges that it will be tough to do if i am directly attacking him vrs i am just emotionally upset. usually the pattern is that first i get emotionally upset and if i don't get the comfort i am needing so much it escalates into me directly attacking some action/inaction of his.

Control yourself as well... do not attack him. He loves you.

I am writing myself a note to put into my purse which i will read whenever i start to feel like i am slipping into a depression. i have not exactly decided what is going to be in this note yet. the biggest point will be to remind me that H loves me!

I just said that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He tells me that, when i am not emotionally upset, i am doing a very good job at being patient and loving and giving him a lot of positive feedback. that was good to hear and i am going to be sure to continue doing the nice things i am doing when i am in a good emotionaly state.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I suggest the note say:
"Don't make the man crazy Karen. He loves you"

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Pep,

thanks for the response. i loved your suggested note, it made me chuckle. i was going to put in more meat than just that (in case you didn't notice, i can be long on words!!)

i think i'm going to go with your suggestion instead. now when i go to read it, the extra benefit of having it be a note that made me laugh a little might just be that extra push my brain will need.

regarding the hormanal cycle thing. yes i do notice that i can get more emotional right before the cycle starts and i try to take that into consideration, i can't say i succed very often though, but sometimes i do. and i have an dr apt for a physical scheduled for next tues. i will be having my thyroid checked then too (i have an enlarged thyroid although it has never been hyper or hypo, i'm suppoed to keep an eye on it. it has been many years since the last time i had it checked.)

maybe i will eloborate just a bit on your note suggestion:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Don't make the man crazy Karen.

He loves you.

go to him right now and say the following:
Honey, I am upset and I don't know why. Please hold me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i'll make the letters in different colors, add a smiley and a few hearts to make it look apealing and then lamanate to make it strong!!

FFL, we've only talked a couple of times but I've always followed your posts - right from the day you first came here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You sound so upbeat and positive and I think that is just so cool. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Jen

Love is in the air!!!!!
Congrats !!!!
It's good to read someone is feelin' good - no great. And what I better way to feel great then to "KNOW" he loves you.

Let's all sing "I feel pretty"

God bless (see ya on the recovery board).

<small>[ August 12, 2004, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: brown ]</small>

thanks Jen(i have followed a lot of your posts too and i have seen your picture)


thanks to you too Brown.

i am feeling very upbeat. the trick is to not forget this feeling tommorow!!! I think i should bookmark this topic and re-read it when i start to feel discourage.

To: FinallyLearning.

You talked about carrying a note in your purse as a reminder of what you are working towards. Here is something I printed out on a business card and carry in my wallet all the time.

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country?"
John F. Kennedy

"Ask not what your spouse can do for you; ask what you can do for your spouse."

"Ask not what your marriage can do for you; ask what you can do for your marriage."

Maybe it seems silly, but it helps me get my focus back.

Dreid,

i don't think that is silly at all!!

seperated for a year... that must be so hard, may God give you strength to continue. I also pray that He will help your wife find her way home to you.

Karen... hope the Dr visit yields solutions.

Pep

FinallyLearning -

Your feeling better and the good conversation with you H are both answers to prayer(s)! Hallelujah!

Keep on keepin' on!

Rose55