I am the WW. We are in the process of divorcing. My H has become very violent since he found out the affair. He hits me when he gets angry and curses me in the most insulting way. So far, I have been trying very hard to be patient because I understand that he is in pain and I hurt him. I have suggested that we seek professional help, but he refused. I don't know how much longer I can take the violence. Is this the normal way a hurting H does?

He has every right to be angry.
He has no right to hit you though.

His coping skills need work. Please visit my website Ilink below) and got to the page on "Help Directories" -- there are several links about where to get help for both him and you.

in my prayers
way2

My H broke my arm, requiring three surgeries, when I threatened to call the woman with whom in fact he was having an affair. He also choked me twice, threw me down, and spanked me yelling "G... d... it" in front of our children.

What you did was reprehensible...inexcusable...the broken arm was emotionally inconsequential to me compared with his affair.

That said...you need to protect yourself...no matter what you did, he has no right to hurt you, and he can kill you, easily, with one misplaced punch or a choking. PLEASE seek a restraining order. One thing I did not realize at the time was that a restraining order is a civil, not a criminal matter. It doesn't go on his record. He can deny the allegations and accept the order.

I wish I had known. Instead, I tolerated abuse because I thought that he was recovering from an emotional affair and I was trying to keep him away from her.

You can feel as bad as you want about what you did, but you still need to look ahead and you need to be alive to deal with the fallout from your betrayal. Please seek a restraining order NOW.

I hope this helps you... When he came over to the bed to punch me, I had the phone in my hand to call this woman. I put the phone down and put my hands up to my face to protect my face. He punched away one arm and punched my shoulder. It took a minute to realize that my arm was hurt and then to realize it was broken. He told me recently that he blamed me for the broken arm because I had put up my hands and he was only going to punch my shoulder.

I am lucky that I got such a great surgeon. My ulna was broken in seven pieces. This happened on 12/17/01. The arm was in a cast up past my elbow until end of February, when pins were removed that had stabilized the ulna against the radius. Then I was in a splint up past my elbow until 4/3/02, with instructions to remove it only in the bathtub. I had to do exercises for my elbow because it had been immobilized. When I removed the splint I could move my wrist only about 5 degrees. By the beginning of April, I could only move it about 30 degrees. After 7 hand therapy sessions in April, I had full use of my arm. In December, I had surgery to remove the plate that gave extra support to the wrist, and I was in a splint until mid-February. The surgeon had predicted 50% change of chronic pain and limitation on being able to turn my arm so that, for example, I would have trouble turning my hand up so that I could receive change in it. And this was my right hand. I was lucky, very lucky.

PLEASE get a restraining order in the most humane way -- go to a shelter, file it as a civil not a criminal matter, and get him out until he goes through anger management.

Cherished

<small>[ August 16, 2004, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

thank you, way2. My problem is that he refuses to get any professional help. He alway has a bad temper and I have been suggesting for years that he seek professional help. He is so sturbon and always thinks that he is the only one that is right. Not worth hearing other people's opioion.

thank you, way2. My problem is that he refuses to get any professional help. He alway has a bad temper and I have been suggesting for years that he seek professional help. He is so sturbon and always thinks that he is the only one that is right. Not worth hearing other people's opioion.

IP2L, men that hit women are dealt with in an old fashioned way in my home town...

I suggest you get yourself to a safe place and then decide cogently what you want as an outcome from your marital situation.

My WW has just broken my heart, but my violence was inward never outward to her. Sane people don't hit people they love IMO

Get out. Leave a violent dangerous situation immediately.

Leave now.

Pep

Bob, it is a shame that you WW doesn't realize how much you love her. It is her loss.

He has the right to decide against professional counseling. You have the right to keep him away from you so that you don't get physically hurt -- and, at a minimum, the conditions for reconciliation should include anger management training for him. If he thinks you're the one with the problem, he's not even on the path to addressing his problems.

My husband started to wake up when he broke my arm. It's possible, but it's also up to him, and you don't have any requirement to wait around for serious physical injury because you had an affair.
Cherished

Cherished,

thank you. I am glad your husband realized after he broke your arm. My arm wasn't broken but was hurt and not able to function normal for more than two weeks and he countines to be violent. He appologize sometimes afterwards and tells me that he still loves me. But I can't imagine how could someone that loves me curses me in those words and keeps threten to hurt me mentally and physically. He is 41 and acts like 19, spoiled and refuses to handle things in mature and civilized way. He has thretened to kill me and I guess that is just anger talk. I made a mistake and I really want to rebuild our marriage. But sometimes, it just seems so hopeless. We can't even have a civilized conversation. as a matter of fact, it has alway been hard to discuss anything with him. It is his way or high way.

IP2L

when my wife told me only some weeks ago about her A, I was very angry and I maybe felt like lashing out and hitting her or probably anyone at that moment, besides feeling sick of course, but I didn't because it's simply WRONG. thats
W R O N G !!!!!
I deal with mainly wifes & kids every day in regards to DV. The only times I have ever thought it was excusable was when there was a genuine mental illness & twice that I knew the people involved had been prescribed the wrong drugs and this caused behavioural problems.........these people did not have any control. BUT the person attacked does not in any way have to put up with it at all.
This behaviour you describe is not about anger or punishment, it is about control.
DO not accept it. If you have kids you also need to protect them.
AS hard as it may be you may need to leave and go to a womens shelter to get assistance...there are domestic violence -DV- helplines in the front of most phone books.
DV only gets worse if it is not stopped and the person doing it treated or counselled to gain control of their behaviour as the case may be.
After the DV is sorted you can discuss with your H the A and your M...........right now all it will get you is a black eye or worse.
Pls get out and seek help.

IP2L -
NOW is not the time to try to rebuild your marriage. It is not "just anger talk" if he threatened to kill you. If there is one iota of control in a spouse, it will come out with an affair.

You made a terrible mistake, but you do not deserve to be killed for it. The month before my arm was broken, I did call this woman in front of him, and he threw me down. My ears rang for about a month.

PLEASE don't consider that maybe you deserve this treatment, or you may be dead. Believe me, I know how terrible it is to be a BS, but I also know that I could have been killed -- and I was a fool to be more concerned about the affair. Pep tried to reach me, but I was not reachable. It really was my H who woke up, and then I started to realize that the abuse was a big problem.

One thing Harley said on his radio show once was that, if there is abuse, no problems can be solved because it is not safe to talk. The first thing that needs to be done is to have the anger problem addressed, and that is up to him. If he isn't willing to face it, there is nothing you can do...

If you were hurt so that you were affected for two weeks, you are close to a really big problem. Before the broken arm, I never needed medical treatment. The broken arm was $15,000 in medical costs. It was a big deal.

Please get out now. Shelters can help you through the paperwork. He needs to wake up, and reporting and filing a RO is ALL you can do to help him wake up. Thinking you deserve this, even a little, will help him escalate to the next level of abuse.

When the A was exposed, I told my family about the abuse and the A. You know what? They could have cared less about the affair. They were scared for the children and for me.

Now, trying to recover, we have to deal with the fact that my family will never see him again no matter what. Please -- your M has a better chance of recovery if you file a RO now than if you wait for a serious injury that is likely to happen, especially if you are indicating to him that you might deserve the treatment.

Cherished

Listen to Pepperband.

This situation is dangerous.

You had an affair, which naturally caused your husband pain. Does that give him the right to abuse you? HELL NO!

Do NOT stick around and allow this to continue!

Regardless of what you did, you do NOT deserve this. Don't let him make you think you do.

He has a problem that needs to be addresses professionally. You can't fix him--he has to want it himself, and from what you've said, he doesn't want to. Get out of the situation before you are seriously injured or killed.

Be safe.

I am no expert of MB as I am new here myself. I do know that there is no excuse for abusing you. None. I don't care what you did, he is wrong to hit you.
When my H told me about his A, I was hurt, shocked and upset. Later he told me that if I had physically lashed out at him he would have considered he deserved it - he was wrong! No one deserves to be hurt.
I really hope you take the good advice given here and take steps to protect yourself. Do you have children? Please keep them safe as well as yourself.

Y'all are in big trouble, IP2L. I expect you know that.

You had an affair. I want to talk to you about that.

However, I'm not going to. You are in real, physical, and extremely immediate danger.

Your personal survival, and that of any children who live in your household, come before any discussion of marriage.

You need to call this number:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or 1-800-787-3224

It's the national Domestic Violence Hotline. Go on. Get up from the computer and dial the number. Let them help you GET OUT of your house and into somewhere safe. Today.

When you're safe, let us know. And let us know if there's anything we can do to help you get there.

After that, we'll talk to you about anger management for your husband, ending your affair and no-contact for you, and getting you both healthy.

But not right now.