TR,
First...I'm glad you and the little one weathered the hurricane well.

Now...this is another storm. Your H doesn't get to decide what YOU want. I know you feel like this MUST be the answer..but let's not jump too quick.

Like you said....14 years..that's a damn long time to be making decision in a couple months isn't it ?

He isn't thinking straight.

I want you to do Plan B. If he goes through with the D...that's a whole other subject...but let's get you taken care of first.

Remember..do not let what he says or does take you off YOUR path.

He isn't in charge of your life and your decisions.

Forget the ugly words..they aren't coming from your H...they are coming from the FOG induced Alien !!

Just take a couple days...you've been through a very tramatic event...and that doesn't leave you in a good place to making decisions you can't take back.

I'm glad your back. And what Chris meant..is there is a divorce/divorcing forum right here on MB. It's hard to see past the Infidelity boards..but there's plenty of boards here to help us all.

Thinking of you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ALL WS TEND TO SAY THE SAME STUPID THINGS:
I HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY
I SHOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED YOU
I NEED SOME SPACE
I DON'T LOVE YOU
THEY ALL SAY THE SAME THINGS!DON'T LISTEN THEY ARE IN A FOG!I AM FOR PLAN B!IF HE FILES LET HIM FILE YOU SAID YOU WANT TO.IN MY EXPERIENCE IT SEEMS THE HARDEST THING TO DO IS ALWAYS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS OUT. YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS TR!

Hi TR!

So glad you and son are okay.

Something someone said here on this site when I first posted was

"If OW really was his love of his life, WH would have left you when he first found her".

Steve Harley said a very similar thing to me when I spoke to him last week.

This helps me put a lot of things in perspective.

The adrenalin high WS get from sneaking, cheating, deceit, and almost getting caught at times is addictive. They can only think about their next fix. Nothing else matters.

I just started a rocky plan B with WH threatening suicide. I'm just trying to look out for myself now. Have done some Plan B mistakes, but I'm getting stronger with it.

I suggest you go to plan B. If WH wants a divorce, let him pay for it. But do take action to protect yourself and your son in the meantime.

You are strong. You will survive. (I repeat this over and over in my head all the time.)

((((((TR))))))) Standing right beside you, girl!

K

Well, my H wrote my mother a letter apologizing for all the pain he has caused everybody and said that his love for me died a long time ago....which will hurt my mother.
When he came over to drop our son off I lost it...I was so angry and yelled and said things that I probably shouldn't have. I told him that I hoped he was happy and he's getting what he wanted. He said that I was the one getting the divorce. I looked at him and said that's what you wanted.... I'm sooooooo confused!!!!! He just told me yesterday that he wanted a divorce and now he's saying that I'm the one that said it. I just don't know what to do. A part of me just wants to get a legal seperation and see what happnes....the other part of me just wants to end it all. He gave me my ring back and said to sell it if I need money becasue even if it did work he wouldn't give me that ring back anyway. What does that mean?????
I'm so lost right now. How can I even begin to start over with him after my entire family knows everything? Any advice???? Should I get a seperation and give myself some time to figure things out?

TR-

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not an expert, and have more in common with you H than you.

That being said, I’ve been following your thread and I truly feel for you.

Your H said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He just told me yesterday that he wanted a divorce and now he's saying that I'm the one that said it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO I don’t think your H wants to take responsibility for ending your M. He’s trying to shift it to you. He’s being an a$$, trying to push your buttons.

Others can tell you better than I how to respond to this behavior.

I just wanted to remind you that it doesn’t have anything to do with you.

I don’t believe there is any legal separation in your state. Staying t/here may limit your options. Stacking your family against you shows desperation and disdain.

I hope you and your S end up happy…

Ultimately that’s up to you.

TR, I am happy that you and your son are safe from hurricane damage !

Regarding the threat of D, let me share experience I have from before my current crisis.

I know that in many relationships I have known D proceedings have been used as a hurtful gesture to provoke a response from a partner. Yes, your WH may MEAN he wants a D right now, but remember honestly fog bound WS are incapable of rational thought.

When the fog lifts, (which it WILL) WH may think differently.

This is a long haul, not a sprint. In both our cases the wounds are very fresh, and not yet healing.

I honestly think you should look at the D threat as being an outworking of an irrational WH, and you concentrate on making yourself strong and happy for the rest of your life's walk, whether WH is in it or not.

Be strong TR

{{{TR}}}

In everyone's honest opinion.....should I stay for a while and try plan B or just get a divorce? I am so confused. I cancelled my apt. this morning....I was too sick to my stomach to go. I just don't know what to do. I'm so lost!!!!!

Good luck Tree, I filed after the 5th time my wife left, I had no choice even though the boards say I did, my wife was a flight risk with the kids and the only way I could get any custody hearing was to file or else chance her taking the kids and me not seeing them again.

God Bless

TR -

I rally don't think your should file for divorce now. You are way too emotional and unsure if it is what you want.

It's my opinion that you still want your marriage to work. What would Plan B hurt at this point?

I really feel for you, I know how it feels to be so confused, and hurting so bad. Hang in there, this won't last for ever.

Weaver

I just don't know what to do. I am so confused! Why is there still hope left in my heart after all of this that has happened and when my WH says there is none left? Why do I continue to put myself through this? My whole family knows now and I don't think that I can tell them that I am going to stay and try to work it out. My H wrote my mom a letter saying all kinds of crap. How can I ever be with my H again knowing how my family feels now? I just don't know what to do!!!!!!!!

Robby, you said you feel the same way my H does..
Give me some advice as to what to do...please!!!!! What do you think my H really wants?

TR

In the long run, your family probably would support your marriage again if your WH was 100% back into it, and not hurting you anymore. But that doesn't really matter, it would be nice however this marriage is your family now. So what is important is how your feel not your family.

It doesn't matter what your husband is thinking right now, he is not. He is an alien, remember. Temporary insanity, so don't make yourself insane trying to figure him out.

Follow the plans and put your confidance in the fact that this program is often successful in bringing WS's home. Go to Plan B so you can detach from his insanity. What he thinks, says, does at this point is meaningless.

Buy time TR. Time brings truth. Do nothing rash.

I have decided to try Plan B right now. I'm going to send him the plan B letter. My mom just sent me an email saying that she agreed with me about not jumping into getting a divorce. I know all my friends will think I'm crazy!!!!! How do I deal with that? I just don't know!!!!!!
It's going to be a long hard road!

HI TR!

Don't listen to your friends. If they have never been through this before, they just don't know what they're talking about.

Plan B is the way to go. That really gets you out of having to deal with a lot of crap from WH.

Family is the most important thing to me. I always felt that no matter what happened, if I had my husband and my kids, and they were okay, then I had it all.

Right now it doesn't feel that way. But I will do whatever it takes to repair my family and my marriage.

I'm new to Plan B myself. Have made some mistakes already, but really do feel better about a lot of things. Especially the fact that WH isn't spewing lies in my face (while looking me straight in the eye). Whatever happened to the man I married?

Keep your chin up! K

Thank you! I feel good about my decision right now. I need to send him a Plan B letter....any advice or guideline as to what I should say?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Robby, you said you feel the same way my H does..
Give me some advice as to what to do...please!!!!! What do you think my H really wants?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TR-

Actually, what I meant by saying that I had more in common with your H than you was that I was the WS. It was a poor choice of words, sorry.

What we do have in common is the current actions of our S. My W wants to separate, but doesn’t seem to want to commit to divorce. She doesn’t want that responsibility. Now I know our situations are different, but IMHO I think your H wants the same thing. My W is treating me like garbage. Unlike you, I deserve it. I believe she is trying to get me to file for D. That way she can say “You wanted a D, I just wanted to separate!” I’m not going to file though because I don’t want a D.

It seems to me that your H is going down that same road. By treating you like [censored], by telling your family I think he wants you to file.

I was reading an article in O magazine last night waiting for my IC appt.. Yes, O. Have you stopped laughing yet? OK. It was about bad breakups and how women and men handle things differently. According to the magazine, men can walk away saying “she’s a b**ch.” But women try to figure out what they did wrong.

If you file for a D he can, in his mind, blame you. I agree with weaver. Plan B.

Are you in IC?

Plan B letter should say that you love him and always planned to stay married to him, that you are sorry for letting the marriage go downhill. But to preserve your love for him, you desire no contact while he is seeing the OW. Then add that if one day he wants to have NC with OW, you would be happy to discuss rebuilding your marriage.

Tree, I've been thinking about you. I think the advice here that you're getting is good. You haven't tried Plan B, so you don't know if it will work or not.

I never had to Plan B, but I can tell you that H thought he was deeply in-love. He thoroughly rewrote our history. According to him we never even had a stage one together. In fact, I don't think we ever had sex either. I conceived both of my boys through immaculate conception. OMG, these WSs are soooo screwed up.

If your H is not supporting you and your son, then you need to legally handle that. Some successful Plan Bers hopefully can help you with that one. Let your H know you love him, value your M, and write whatever is recommended in that Plan B letter. Then do a great Plan B. This will protect your fragile emotions right now. If your H doesn't come out of the fog, at least you will know you did everything to save your M. Good luck and hugs! CV

Use the example in "Surviving An Affair" to start.
Basically, it should be like this.

1 - I love you.
2 - I apologize for the past. I'm learning new relationship stuff.
3 - You affair hurts me. Because of this, I will end all contact until your affair is over.
4 - You can see the children by contacting mr. x.
5 - We can work it out and I'll wait for that chance.
6 - I love you.

Not too long. Keep it fairly simple.

The more I think about it....I don't want a divorce. I do love my H and will try my best to stcik to plan B. He says stuff that hurts me so bad and if I keep talking to him and hearing him say these things then I will never be able to be with him again. He keeps saying it's not in his heart to save our marriage and that he has crossed the line and how could we ever go back to being married. Is this all normal fog talk?

Since my H will be coaching my son's baseball team...my mom tells me to go to the games and be the best mother that I can and show my H what he is missing. I suppose she is right. I can't change him but I can change me. God give me the strenth to get through all of this!!!!!!!
My parents, and sister are coming this weekend. They are so worried about me and just want to be here to make sure I am ok. They want to take me and my son out to dinner and have fun. I think it will be good. I really need that right now. I don't think my father and brother will ever fel the same about my H again. It's a shame becasue they were all so close and got along so well. Can it ever be the same????