I originally posted this in RECOVERY section but i am no longer sure that was the right place for it. I don't know that we are in any recovery.

I need some help in a bad way.

I believe my wife is in withdrawal. She will not talk to me. I wrote her a long letter about my feelings toward her and my hope for our relationship. I am going to post part of her response to that letter:

"I hate going through all of this and hurting you. Yesterday I wanted to comfort you -- but I didn't want to mislead you. The trip (a vacation we just came home from) was hard for me, I thought we would grow closer but it was the opposite for me. I think you need to back off. I can't force feelings I don't have.

I hope that through our retrouvaille stuff we will get to know each other and I will develop them. I am sorry for the roller coaster that I have been, I am trying so hard to have deep feelings for you, I care so much about you. When I see you sad my heart does break and I want to comfort you but those feelings aren't the kind you can build a marriage on.

We didn't get here overnight and its going to take a while to heal. Maybe we should just focus on being friends for a while and living under the same roof.

You should also know that I do want all of the same things you do. I want us both to be happy...I have kind of forgotten what that feels like. I do want that for both of us. I just have to be patient and work at it. In the end I do want this marriage to work, not just work but to be a perfect union and a source of happiness for us and everyone we love. "

WHY THEN DOES SHE CONTINUE TO TELL ME SHE DOES NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR ME??????

On our trip she does this:
- Puts her head on my shoulder and tells me how much she loves me.
- Kisses me PASSIONATELY and tells me she really does love me but doesn't know how to show it.
- tells me it means so much to her that i am paying attention to her again.

Then yesterday after having seen the OM at a work function (long story, i will tell it if you want to hear) she comes home and is in depression. Now she is back to I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR YOU.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE??????????

P.S. She will not have sex under any circumstances. She says that until she is IN LOVE with me (something she claims to have never been) she will not have sex.

What is going on is that she broke NO CONTACT that is what’s going on. If you want recovery then no contact means just that.

Would it surprise you to know that the Harley’s have refused to council people in your situation on the basis of the WS still being in contact with the OM/OW? They believe that nothing for the marriage can be achieved while the affair is till in progress and that’s what seems to be happening to you. Understand, in most cases, continued contact equals a continuation of the affair.

Sorry but that’s what your problem is probably all about.
coach

What can i do if she has decided to decieve me again?

I don't know what to believe.

Every time i bring up the affair or ask her if she has had contact she EXPLODES. screaming and telling me to back off and stop checking up on her. She tells me that she hates what she did and does not ever want to think about it again. She says it makes her physically sick to think about.

should i believe her? What do i do?

Hi KCM,

I know exactly what you are going through. My WH has told me the exact same things over and over again since D day in October 03. He initiated NC with OW in late Dec. That lasted for about 6 weeks. I thought things were going really well between us and I was just getting some trust back when he broke NC and went to see her - just to see how she was doing, he said. Well, guess what the A started up again and suddenly he wasn't "in love" with me again. (The old...I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you fog-speak.) D day #2 was in mid April and from then on I fought the battle of my life, eventually finding MB and started a Plan A. He kept refusing to break it off with her and I kept holding firm to Plan A although I was really hurting. Eventually, OW started LBing by pushing him to move in with her etc, just a little but it was enough to put some doubts in his mind. He broke contact in July and was miserable. We were doing more things together and although the feelings were forced at times, we were doing okay. The fog rolled around again after 3 weeks and he saw her again. Our 21 yr old son suspected he was at OW house so he drove by. They had major words when WH got home and that was enough to get WH back on track, I think for good this time.

Now, my whole point is WH is going through the withdrawal process as well. He is fine one minute and even attentive. The next minute he is crying and looking dejected. I feel bad for him but then again, I've been going through he## since October! He will say he wants to work on the marriage one day and the next he'll say he doesn't want to work on our marriage because he doesn't have the feelings necessary. It's a major roller coaster and I never know from day to day where we'll be. I must say though, recently he has made more of a commitment to our family and the fog has been clearing a bit more each day. I believe we're on the upswing. Today, he had the strong urge to go see her but he came to me at work instead. He never would have considered doing that several weeks ago.

If you hang in there and can get W to stick with the NC, things will improve gradually. But, from my experience and that of others I talk to, sometimes it takes several tries to get the WS to really stick to the NC. I tried to be patient but he knew I was nearing the end of my rope.

If you can get W to agree, you may want to try some seesions with Steve Harley. We have only done 1 so far but it really was helpful in getting H to see some things more clearly. The thing I like too is that Steve has a plan. The MC we saw for 5 months had no plan at all. It was a "what do you feel?" method. It almost broke us up for good.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there!

KC Mark, I'm a FWW and I'll give you my take on this.

I have been just where your wife is now. Love you but not in love with you etc etc. I personally don't think she's still in the affair but I DO know that whenever the WS sees the OP again, even if it's at a distance and even if nothing is said, all the confusion and mixed feelings come to the surface again. Which is why no contact and ONLY no contact works.

I just had to see his car and I'd be off again. By that I mean I'd be confused and set back to square one again. I don't mean I contacted him.

They don't call this a rollercoaster for nothing. If she says it makes her sick to think about it means she is suffering unbelievable guilt which she can't bear to face.

My H finally made me talk about everything by sitting me down one night with a bottle of wine between us and saying "I want to hear Jenny's story. I won't get angry but I can't promise I won't be hurt." and that's what happened. In a completely non threatening atmosphere with him listening intently and with love, the whole story came out. Then he thanked me for telling him. It was another milestone in our recovery.

Jen