Hi KCM,
I know exactly what you are going through. My WH has told me the exact same things over and over again since D day in October 03. He initiated NC with OW in late Dec. That lasted for about 6 weeks. I thought things were going really well between us and I was just getting some trust back when he broke NC and went to see her - just to see how she was doing, he said. Well, guess what the A started up again and suddenly he wasn't "in love" with me again. (The old...I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you fog-speak.) D day #2 was in mid April and from then on I fought the battle of my life, eventually finding MB and started a Plan A. He kept refusing to break it off with her and I kept holding firm to Plan A although I was really hurting. Eventually, OW started LBing by pushing him to move in with her etc, just a little but it was enough to put some doubts in his mind. He broke contact in July and was miserable. We were doing more things together and although the feelings were forced at times, we were doing okay. The fog rolled around again after 3 weeks and he saw her again. Our 21 yr old son suspected he was at OW house so he drove by. They had major words when WH got home and that was enough to get WH back on track, I think for good this time.
Now, my whole point is WH is going through the withdrawal process as well. He is fine one minute and even attentive. The next minute he is crying and looking dejected. I feel bad for him but then again, I've been going through he## since October! He will say he wants to work on the marriage one day and the next he'll say he doesn't want to work on our marriage because he doesn't have the feelings necessary. It's a major roller coaster and I never know from day to day where we'll be. I must say though, recently he has made more of a commitment to our family and the fog has been clearing a bit more each day. I believe we're on the upswing. Today, he had the strong urge to go see her but he came to me at work instead. He never would have considered doing that several weeks ago.
If you hang in there and can get W to stick with the NC, things will improve gradually. But, from my experience and that of others I talk to, sometimes it takes several tries to get the WS to really stick to the NC. I tried to be patient but he knew I was nearing the end of my rope.
If you can get W to agree, you may want to try some seesions with Steve Harley. We have only done 1 so far but it really was helpful in getting H to see some things more clearly. The thing I like too is that Steve has a plan. The MC we saw for 5 months had no plan at all. It was a "what do you feel?" method. It almost broke us up for good.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there!