Hi there,
Well, is my head reeling! We had a heart to heart discussion the other night and I would like to know if any others out there have gone through or are going through this scenario. We discussed him getting rid of the nc letter, and that is not a problem. We also discussed our future. I mentioned to him that I was going to need to see progress in the EN department particularly affection. If any of you have read my former posts you'll note he has a "not wanting to fake it" attitude. Anyways, he told me he loves me for the person I am - patient, good mother, loving to him, etc., but when it comes to wanting to show me affection, he says he is not in love with me. He is still in love with her. He says he thinks about her every day and tries to get her out of his mind but he can't. He describes it as this - "He feels like he would imagine a homosexual would feel, having to live in a heterosexual marriage, and acting heterosexual." He again confirmed to me that he is here because of his committment to the vows he made to me and to God. But, he believes that this is as good as it is going to get, that I have to learn to live with someone who doesn't love me the way a husband should love a wife, and he will not go for professional help (marriage counselling, psychiatrist, etc). I realize that I have to decide if I want to live in this marriage, but my hands are tied because divorce is not an option. My obedience to Gods laws are number one in my life, and as a Christian the only grounds for divorce are adultery. Since his affair did not include sex, I have no grounds for a scriptural divorce. Legally entitled, but I would be disregarding Gods laws on divorce and I could not live with that. So, my dilemma is this. Do I give up, and just live with knowing he is addicted to someone else, or do I still try to convince him that we need to continue moving ahead with the hope that he will fall in love with me again. By the way, he did voluntarily say that I am meeting ALL of his EN's wonderfully, and that there is no more that I can do.

Sorry - but, if he says that he is In Love With Someone Else - isn't that a form of adultry?? Does adultery only include the sex act?? If he is thinking of her all the time, wants and desires her isn't that also a form of adultry?

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He says he thinks about her every day and tries to get her out of his mind but he can't. He describes it as this - "He feels like he would imagine a homosexual would feel, having to live in a heterosexual marriage, and acting heterosexual."

Puke!

You need to push your way into his mind without seeming like you are pushing.

Fill the tiny space of his brain with uneasy (for him) and unusual thought about YOU!

Are you game?

Since his affair did not include sex, I have no grounds for a scriptural divorce.

What DID his affair offer if not sex? Romance? Adoration? Conversation? A woman who did not behave like "a good mother"? Do you know? If not, find out.

Do I give up, and just live with knowing he is addicted to someone else,

Are YOU kidding??

HELL NO!

Do not give up ... you have just begun to fight!

or do I still try to convince him that we need to continue moving ahead with the hope that he will fall in love with me again.

No more conversations to "convince". STOP TRYING TO CHANGE HIS MIND! Can you say boring?

NO.... you become a woman of action ... You begin with yourself and start making interesting and mysterious and unexpected changes about yourself.

Peak his interest.

"Convincing" intreprets into "nagging" when it passes through the male brain. Don't go there.

By the way, he did voluntarily say that I am meeting ALL of his EN's wonderfully, and that there is no more that I can do.

Do you believe that? Coz I sure don't!

He's being "nice" to you .... coz he's nice to the mother of his children. How about the mother of his children behaving like the hot tomato once in awhile?

Answer me this .....What can start a fire of passion in a man? Is it excellent mothering? Is it conversations that "convince"? Is it a clean and spotless bathroom?

Pep

<small>[ August 20, 2004, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Matthew 5:27

"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery'. But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Who told you that adultery doesn't count unless the two people involved have sex? Did they miss the part where God said that he hates divorce even in the case of adultery?
If this is truly the only thing hoilding you back from seeking a divorce..I'd get a second opinion. I think you have scriptural grounds. He has made a transaction..he has transferred his affections from you to her. This is theft. He has committed the crime of adultery..he has not completed the act physically..but I bet that's in the mail. Is that what you are waitng for? Once he does will your conflicted feelings be resolved? How do you know that they have had zero physical contact. I'd be willing to bet that they have, at least to some extent.

Honestly..I think your husband is punishing you. He has decided that since he can't have what he wants..you don't get what you want either. Does he know the definition of the word marriage? One flesh, etc? Does he get that? I would not accept this as his final decision. He is deeply in fog land. How long has this been going on?

Hi, sorry I haven't responded sooner - no internet access. Anyway, Noodle, I agree with the last part of your post. With regards to "adultery of the heart", I have done extensive research on the subject, and as it stands, we as imperfect humans cannot read anothers "heart"(1 Samuel 16:7), only their actions and therefore the act of adultery is the only thing we can prove inconclusively, hence grounds for divorce. Besides I have already forgiven the affair, so, we definitely do, both, want to move on to recovery. The reason I refer to his attatchement to her as an addiction is, that they have had no contact for a year. Even when they were in the throes of the relationship, it was an internet and cell phone affair. They met twice during the entire relationship - once at the beginning and once at the very end. I do believe wholeheartedly that they did NOT have relations. If they did, he would admit it because he was desperatley looking for a way to get out of our marriage, and admitting adultery would have done it. But, he couldn't admit it because it didn't happen. Anyway, thanks for the support. I'll take the advice (Pepp) and hopefully I'll get through this and he'll eventually get out of the fog.