My husband and I have been in recovery for a few months now....it's been quite the rollercoaster ride although for the last month, things between us have been going so well...finally it seems like things are calming down a bit.

He now says all the things I've longed to hear, and he is constantly showering me with affection. We are in MC and although I have read everything on this site, he has not. Although he is very supportive of it for me.

After my husband told me about the affair, without LBing I gave him a few stipulations regarding our recovery:

Both of us needed to get checkups from our respective doctors, he needed to begin the process of finding another job, and he needed to have no contact with the OW outside of work.

The OW is one of 2 secretaries at his firm, and there is no way to avoid her. She is responsible for certain job functions as is the other secretary. Also my husband works with about 9 other attorneys and 4 paralegals. It is a very small firm.

My husband has made some good friends with a couple of the other male attorneys, and through out the year has participated in work related sports and other activities. Last spring right after I found out he was on the firm volleyball team and we had a huge blow out because she was also on the team. Fast forward ...

Fantasy football season has begun, and you guessed it.....they have a game at work. Every year everyone from work is invited to get together for a few hours after work and pick their teams. She was there last year (while the A was going strong), and this year she showed up as well. This all happened Tuesday, and my husband called me early that morning to let me know it was happening. Needless to say I am beside myself ....I am really upset that he went even after knowing how much it bothered me. His take on is.....that he does not speak to her unless necessary, but that he's not going to "run" and become isolated from his buddies at work because she decides to show up now and then. I should also mention that he and OW will end up "playing" their teams against each other one week.

He does feel bad now...only because he feels like he "handled" it wrong and it caused me pain. I understand he does not want to be left out of these things....in fact spouses can join these events as well (although I don't think I could emotionally handle being around her at this time).

I have told my husband that I feel bad that he feels like he is isolating himself...but that those are the choices he made when he decided to have an affair with someone from work.

He keeps trying to assure me that he has no interest with her at all...and although I appreciate his assurances, that is not really what bothers me about it. I feel like as long as he participates with work activities he is saying that the affair was ok in some way.

I don't know, maybe I am just fried from all the bull of this last year and I am not seeing things clearly. But, it just upsets me to no end that she(OW) can still talk to him and socialize without any consequences. Like I am still invisible!!!!

A fresh pair of eyes would really help.

Thanks,
Rachel

Hello my dear,

You said:
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His take on is.....that he does not speak to her unless necessary, but that he's not going to "run" and become isolated from his buddies at work because she decides to show up now and then. I should also mention that he and OW will end up "playing" their teams against each other one week.
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You are your H's best friend. As a wise person once said, look after your wife as she might be the one changing your diapers when you're 93. When your wonderful buddies from work have long forgotten about you.

Invite the friends over for dinner parties if he needs company. Go sport together somewhere OW isn't and take some of the "buddies" with you.
NO, you cannot have peace of mind until H takes your side on this and takes steps to make sure there is NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT.

If he has to give up on playing with his friends to make you happy... after what he's done to ruin your trust, that doesn't seem like an unfair deal does it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have told my husband that I feel bad that he feels like he is isolating himself...but that those are the choices he made when he decided to have an affair with someone from work.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In the end I think your H is going to see this as you trying to isolate him instead of the other way around.

If he cannot get a job elsewhere and the OW can't be fired or relocated then this is something that YOU are going to have to deal with as well as your H....there is obviously no avoiding her completely.

Yes....the OW gets to go on her merry little way doing what she wants to do. Nothing you can do about that, so don't worry about her....don't spend any time focusing on her or what she may or may not do. Make her none of your business.

I myself would be seeing red flags about this had your H not told you about it, but he did....and you said that spouses are also welcome to join in.....so there is nothing keeping you from at least being there......nothing except for the way you feel about the OW that is.

She is not keeping you from it as she has no control over you.....only you do.

I believe in no contact what so ever.....but sometimes it just can't be avoided....especially in this case.