I talked to OM yesterday. I was supposed to tell him that I can't see or talk to him anymore. I did but I left the door open... last night, my husband asked me if I left the door open and I told him yes. Needless to say, it hurt him. He wants to be with me. He loves me. (My husband) Why can't I do the right thing? Why do I feel that I am willing to throw my marriage away over this???

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by myste:
Why can't I do the right thing? Why do I feel that I am willing to throw my marriage away over this???</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myste...I'm replying only to offer you support. Those are questions only *YOU* can answer.

Honesty is not only with your spouse; it's with yourself as well.

Best wishes and God bless.

Myst

I am a BH. My ww is esentially doing the same thing you are with one big exception. You are posting here and looking for help. You are starting to come out of the fog and thats a good thing.

In your heart you know whats right. I hope you find the courage to do what is right. Your H has no control over what you do. All he can do is influence you.

You married your H for a reason. Look back on those reasons and be honest with yourself. Dont worry about hurting OM feelings....he will get over it.

Your home is where your heart is....Go home!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by myste:
[Why can't I do the right thing? Why do I feel that I am willing to throw my marriage away over this??? [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myste- I seriously believe that affairs ARE addictive. Look at it this way- you are getting pleasure from the OM. Rebuilding your marriage is going to take work- and it will be painful. There is no getting around that. It is darned hard to give up something that appears to give you pleasure and choose to engage in something that is sure to be painful. But, let me just tell you this- if you do NOT end the affair, your marriage has no chance of recovery. You made a committment when you married. Work on your marriage now- be willing to give it your all. The possible benefits and rewards from building your marriage far far outweigh the momentary pleasure of this affair.

GOOD for you for coming here and asking for help- and for being honest with your husband. Both are extremely painful things to do. I know how much it hurt me to tell my husband what I had done- and how painful it was for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Have you read the articles on this site about infidelity? If not, please do. They will help.

Thinking of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by myste:
<strong> I talked to OM yesterday. I was supposed to tell him that I can't see or talk to him anymore. I did but I left the door open... last night, my husband asked me if I left the door open and I told him yes. Needless to say, it hurt him. He wants to be with me. He loves me. (My husband) Why can't I do the right thing? Why do I feel that I am willing to throw my marriage away over this??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cannot answer Why you left the door open but I can understand why I tried to break off my A several times and continued to leave the door open because I was not "COMMITTED WITHOUT A DOUBT" that giving up OW was what I should do. I knew it was the ETHICAL thing to do, though of course OW thought it was more ethical for me to leave my family and join her. What finally made me leave OW and not leave the door open was making a decision that OW were NOT "soulmates" we were just attracted to one another, and good friends. That's it! Once I accepted the truth about our R I was able to end it for good. She continued to try to keep me in her life whenever things were down. I had to make a decision that she was no good for my future, whether my M failed or NOT.

I cannot tell you what will work for you, but thats part of my story. I had to finally be somewhat objective and recognize the reality of my situation. We were never going to go skipping off into the future, it just wasnt going to happen regardless to me being M or not because the foundation of our R was full of too much deceit, lies and secrecy.

<small>[ September 03, 2004, 07:30 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Dear Myste - I had the same problem, actually I think I broke it off three times (last time my H had figured out I was having an A) - the other 2 I tried to break it off before H found out but I was weak, and kept resuming contact with him, I hadn't found MB at that point.

The Other posters are right- it is like an addiction, hard to give up, you can fix this though, read over No Contact information on this website - draft a letter, ask your H to read it and get his Okay about the content, be firm and send it to the OM, confirming you want no further contact

Sandy

<small>[ September 03, 2004, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

FM: so good to hear from you, friend!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FamilyMatters:
I had to make a decision that she was no good for my future, whether my M failed or NOT.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">myste, FM makes a great point. Why *did* you leave the door open? More infidelity? "Just in case" your M doesn't work out? "Just in case" your H doesn't want you back?

Sadfww also makes a great point--a weakness of mine I always had, and I guess it's human nature. Although, how we respond to "it" helps shape who we are and decisions we make. And that's taking the "easy" way out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look at it this way- you are getting pleasure from the OM. Rebuilding your marriage is going to take work- and it will be painful. There is no getting around that. It is darned hard to give up something that appears to give you pleasure and choose to engage in something that is sure to be painful.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do *you* honestly want to do?

(Just a friendly bit of advice: that one foot out the door? Make sure you decide to get it back inside. If not, you may have not only a broken M, but a broken foot as well after the door slams.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hurting husband and can't stop </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myste...

Let's start with a very small step. When you say I can't do this or that, you are playing victim and telling yourself that the situation is beyond your control.

You know this isn't so.

Go back and re-write your post. Wherever you have written "I can't...", change it to "I won't..."

I think that'll help clear up a little of your confusion.

I've been where you are. I know it's hard. DECIDING to take control of your life and make the decisions you KNOW you must make is a big first step.

Stop letting your emotions push you around.

Low

<small>[ September 03, 2004, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by LowOrbit:

Go back and re-write your post. Wherever you have written "I can't...", change it to "I won't..."


You are right.... thank you..

Myste,

I'm a FWH. Okay, I posted some to your other thread but I will address this here some more.

First, Congratulations for taking the first step in talking with the OM about ending the relationship. That was a HUGE step. I know you are beating yourself up about the open door but let's pick this apart first. You have developed a VERY strong emotional and physical bond with this OM. Simply stating that you should walk in one day and end it is underestimating the intensity of those feelings. We all agree that is the "right" thing to do. You stated on the other thread that you love your H and know God wants you to stay with him. BUT, you love the OM and can't seem to bear to cut yourself off from him. Welcome to the foggy difficult decision that we WS have to deal with. Two lives based on different needs being met (or unmet). The problem is that NO one wants to live a life torn in two.

You have been attempting to keep these two worlds apart and now they have met. Your H knows about the A and your OM knows you want to stay (you might have pitched the story that you "want" the OM but "need" to do the "right" thing.). Now you find yourself on one hand wanting to leave the A and on the other greiving the loss of the OM and the needs he met in your life. Guess what? That's normal. That does not surprise me at all. If it was easy to do all the WS's would have returned to their M a long time ago and the BS's on this board would all be off ambien. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It's just not that easy. I AM proud you made the first step. You told the OM about staying with your H. Step back, take a deep breath, and get ready for the next step.

Why do you think you left the door cracked open? Let me answer. You have become used to having certain needs met by the OM. You like having him meet those needs and you are scared to death that if you let him go then you will end up living a life without those needs EVER being met again. You are sacrificial so you have convinced yourself that your needs are no longer important. The conviction of God has brought you to the point that you feel you need to flush your joy down the toliet for the betterment of the M. The truth is...God can, and will, help you through this DIFFICULT time and help your H become the sole person who can best meet your needs.

The next problem is that Christian people have a moral "rightness" that exists even in the midst of an immoral situation. Because you care deeply for the OM, you feel a moral rightness to not hurt him and let him down easy. That's noble but NOT the right thing to do. You have got to realize that letting him down easy will only serve to extend his (and your) pain and hurt him more in the long run. It will take a good 3 weeks to greive the loss of the OM and him you. Those 3 weeks will seem like the longest in your life, BUT it is the right thing to do and you know it.

Focus. You are already disgusted with yourself (and fustrated too) that you can't seem to let it go. You know what you SHOULD do, you just don't have the will to do it. Take a deep breath, pray and ask God to give you the strength and boldness to stay strong. Now, tomorrow go and tell the OM again that you have made the decision to stay with your H and you need him to respect that decision. If he loves you like you think he will want the best for you. He will want you happy more than anything else and he will respect those boundries. If not then question his motives.

Then, cut off all contact with the OM and start talking to your H about the needs you are afraid off losing. Share from your heart. You CAN do this. You have made a great start, now take it to the next level. No Contact!

Hang in there, I know it is hard. I KNOW! Been there... You will cry for days. Psalm 27:13.

We are here for you.

2scared