I'm trying to find out where I belong, in more ways than one. I last wrote over in EN forum. Star*fish advised me that I should post here. So here goes...

My F?WH has been out of town the past few days. He has been very unavailable the entire time he's been gone. The few brief conversations we had were quickly ended by him for various reasons... he had another phone call, he needed to pay attention to the road, he couldn't hear me well. All this coupled with a lack of intimacy the past nine months has made me very uncomfortable to say the least.

Actually, I've been having a really rough weekend. Up thruout the night, weird dreams, and fighting all those too-familiar fears and doubts.


The last time we spoke, I might have blew it. I told him I was very disappointed in his lack of communication with me. I expressed that this contributed to a lack of trust. I also said I didn't understand why he spent all day where he was when he could have come home tonight. Rather than coming home,he decided to "take it easy" and have a relaxing trip back- spend the night somewhere and get here tomorrow.

This obviously leaves me very insecure. He was angry at my last comment being that "It's all about him." So was that a love buster?? He just said " Don't bother calling back," before he hung up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So now what? He seems quite unwilling to offer any reassurance or apology. It suddenly became my problem as always. I'm just trying to figure out what my response to him should be when he does return tomorrow. I think I'm so worn down from everything that I just can't think straight anymore. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

Well, it certainly sets off red flags for me. Unfortunately, confronting him with your suspicions isn't likely to reap anything but denials and resentment. I would start doing some sleuthing to see what you can find out.

Do you know where he is staying? Can you drive over and surprise him?

I have no idea where he is right now. Not even what state he's in. So, driving over there is definitely out of the question. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm walking with both eyes wide open. I'm praying truth will come out. You're absolutely correct about not finding answers from him. So, we shall see. Thanks for writing.

I think your last comment "It's all about him." was a LB because it seemed accusatory. It is hard for all of us to hold our tongues and not LB sometimes. No one is perfect. I try to put things in terms of "me" when I am upset. Like, "I" feel bad when you do "this." Sounds less venomous.

He needs to know that in order to rebuild trust, he needs to be accountable, at all times. My dh keeps his cell phone with him as much as possible so that those doubts don't come up, as do I. You not even knowing what state he is in is way unacceptable, IMO. If he wants this to work, he needs to do his part. Period. It is his choice.

Uhh..... yeah. I don't know what your husband does, but most people don't go on trips without telling their spouses how to reach them. Red flags? Way beyond red flags. So.....

- Do you have the cell phone records?
- Do you have a keylogger on the computer?
- Do you know who he works with?
- Do you have the funds for a PI?
- Have you checked his e-mail accounts?

Oh, and the LB? Yeah, it probably was one. However, in a conversation like that, I would say that his reaction doesn't match up to your words. He's being defensive bigtime -- and I'm guessing he's got things to hide.

Stay honest and stay respectful -- and continue to keep eyes, ears, and resources open. Time to figure out what he's up to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm just trying to figure out what my response to him should be when he does return tomorrow. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, he might be up to no good.

But he might not be.

Don't jump to conclusions.

Don't give him the third degree when he gets home.

Quietly start doing a plan A. Be warm and cheerful and caring of his needs when he gets home.

If he is up to something, it will come out eventually anyways, and if he isn't, accusing him will just drive him farther away.

If he is , you will plan A anyway.

If he isn't , it will do no harm and will certainly help.


Shul

JustJ,

He owns his own business. He takes his cellphone with him but frequently does not answer it. It seems to be a one way communication device.

No, to almost all your questions. Obviously a terrible lack of accountability. Yes, those red flags are a waving. I will do my best to keep eyes, ears, and resources open. Believe me, I'd like nothing better than to know truth. I'm ready to move forward and not live with a huge question mark dangling around my neck. Thanks.

Shul,

I agree with most of what you said. I need to be careful to not jump to conclusions. I should certainly treat him with kindness and respect regardless.

If I discover he's being unfaithful, I am ready to say goodbye. I've been attempting Plan A for nearly six years now. I do not want to remain married to a chronic adulterer.

But I do believe respect in relationships is always appropriate. Thank you for the reminder.

Leah, It's very unusual to have no idea even what state your husband is in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> crimeny! At the very least, in the event of an emergency you should be able to reach him. None of this can be fixed tonight....so try to refocus your efforts on coming up with a plan to 1) sleep tonight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .....and 2) wake up tommorow with a plan to find the truth. It might be time to use that office key you have or hire a PI. H has a really crummy track record and there are no safeguards in place to help him stay honest and honorable or not fall back into old bad patterns. That doesn't mean he's doing anything now....but with the ridiculously secretive way that he operates...you'd be a fool not to investigate. It's entirely possible that this is just some form of rebellion about accountability....but it's also possible that it's just more of that old pattern of entitlement he seems to have.

Drop me an email.

Thanks Star,

Sound advice on both points. Took care of number one and have already been thinking about number two. Just realized how that might have read. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Anyhow, the benadryl must be kicking in... I'm getting silly. I wrote an e-mail to you. Thanks!