Well, as much as I hate to say it, things are not going well.

Last week I exposed A to OWH. He is in denial, I think. On same night, I confronted H with my knowledge. To make a long story short, I covered these things:

I have no desire to hurt you.
I know everything
I still love you and do not want a divorce (several times throughout conversation)
I am still capable of forgiveness.
I want to save our marriage - it can be done
You must break all contact with OW (details given)
I have evidence of A for legal purposes
I will lock up the evidence and never show it to anyone if you choose to save the marriage.
If you do not choose to save the marriage, all the evidence I have will come out in court.
I have retained an attorney, but I do not want a divorce.
I will not file, you must file if you want D.
You must be completely honest with me from now on.
The decisions are all yours to make - you made the decision to have the A, and it is your decision how this ends.
That I feel completely betrayed.
That if he chooses to leave me it will be the biggest mistake of his life.
That I know deep inside you still love me.
That I know you believe you love OW, and that she believes she loves you.
That if he chooses to save the marriage, counseling will be necessary.
Maybe a couple of other things I have forgotten.

His only reply was "I refuse to acknowledge anything you have said."
Then he said that he disagreed with almost everything I had said, but that he didn't want to say anything because it would be hurtful.
I responded that I had already been deeply hurt.
He said "I believe that."

Everything I said was done in a calm, serene manner with no LBs (I think) and only one DJ. Sorry, I couldn't help it. Really only shed a few tears on two different moments. Even apologized to H for crying. Did not mean to cry.

Since then, he has been carrying on as usual. Reasonably friendly (we still live together and sleep together) with occasional curtness and anger. He is making appointments with our friends to talk to them. A couple of moments of joking around and remembering things that happened early in our marriage that were funny things.

The fog is very, very thick. I am having to wear yellow foglights in the house. (Just kidding)

As I previously posted, he is going to our friends (men) and trying to justify what he is doing. He is telling them they will have to choose between us if this goes to court and he will expect them to testify on his behalf. He is, of course, rewriting the history of the marriage and making everything my fault. Thank God for MB and all the reading I have done. I at least understand what he is doing, and can manage not to take most of it personally.

As a result of this "lining up witnesses" I am assuming he has seen a lawyer and has been advised to do this. I called my L to tell him this. He says the only way he can protect me now is to file for D. This gives us the option of restraining orders, protection of property, etc. It also allows us to choose which court to file in. This morning D petition is being filed. We will not serve him with the papers at this time. We are simply filing to gain some little advantage. (Ok, maybe not so little.)

I have been plan Aing for about 5 months. Total exposure is just now happening for legal reasons. Since exposure, I have been diligent in plan Aing. I am doing what I can by visiting with his friends and making sure they hear the truth before he talks to them.

I have many many prayer warriors praying for both of us.

I do not want a divorce. I want to restore my marriage, but it is looking like I may not be able to. I really feel bad because in filing the D petition, I feel I have betrayed my principles. My heart is broken. I absolutely have to look out for my own interests and those of my son. Nothing good can come of this, I am afraid.

If anyone has advice for me, I am listening. I feel so bad, in several different ways. Of course, there is always the slight possibility that this action will penetrate the fog in some way. Reality of what he will lose and the reality that I really do know what he has done, plus the reality of the disapproval of most of his friends may finally cause him to wake up a little.

I really feel like a big old loser today.

Last week I exposed A to OWH. He is in denial, I think.

Maybe in shock? Maybe he is a major conflict avoider? Who knows? Not your problem though.

On same night, I confronted H with my knowledge.

Brave and bold move! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have evidence of A for legal purposes
I will lock up the evidence and never show it to anyone if you choose to save the marriage.
If you do not choose to save the marriage, all the evidence I have will come out in court.
I have retained an attorney, but I do not want a divorce.

I would have kept thisd part to myself.


I will not file, you must file if you want D.

But you did file... I think you should have said "I do not WANT to file."


His only reply was "I refuse to acknowledge anything you have said."

Bwahhahahaha chicken-man!

only one DJ. Sorry, I couldn't help it. Really only shed a few tears on two different moments. Even apologized to H for crying. Did not mean to cry.

Crying real tears when you are profoundly sad is not a DJ! Why do you think it was?

He is telling them they will have to choose between us if this goes to court and he will expect them to testify on his behalf.

Now THAT's a mistake on his part! ~LOL~ His friends may not tell him ... but they will be thinking "dummy".

This gives us the option of restraining orders, protection of property, etc. It also allows us to choose which court to file in. This morning D petition is being filed. We will not serve him with the papers at this time. We are simply filing to gain some little advantage. (Ok, maybe not so little.)

I don't think this is a wrong move at all! It is a self-protective move, and completely within the boundary of what is 'good" behavior.

I have been plan Aing for about 5 months.

5 months is long enough... time for a bold move....

Pep

Pep- Crying was not the DJ

The DJ was when I said, "You always ask me why I don't smile all the time. How can I smile when you are F***ing another woman?" I probably shouldn't have said that, but I am so tired of beating around the bush. It was time for some radical honesty. I'm sure he took it as a DJ.
If I had said what I was really wanting to say, it would for sure have been a DJ!! I didn't call her by any of the names I use in my thoughts and fantasies.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this, but you seem to have your head on straight and are handling this VERY well. You are being honest, but at the same time taking steps to protect yourself and your son. It is so hard in this situation to do what you are doing and you're doing everything great.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starz:
<strong>As I previously posted, he is going to our friends (men) and trying to justify what he is doing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What will be his justifications?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by starz:
<strong>As a result of this "lining up witnesses" I am assuming he has seen a lawyer and has been advised to do this. I called my L to tell him this. He says the only way he can protect me now is to file for D.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What kind of "protection" do you need from these witnesses? Financial? Physical? Please explain a bit more why you "need" to file? Is it because your state/province/local govenrment jurisdiction does not provide for legal separations?

As a general rule, none of us should take relationship advice from a lawyer nor legal advice from a marriage counselor.

As we both know, there is no justification for adultery.

The reason he needed to file was to choose the jurisdiction we want if it goes to that - district or county court. The county courts just don't care about anything. Property, money, etc. If there are no minor children, they just write it off in the easiest way. There is no legal separation available. Additionally, L believes that instead of giving him 50% of everything we hold jointly, the district court (at least one of them) is very anti adultery. They are more likely to rule in my benefit. Everything we have came from my family. Based on his actions, he should not be entitled to take my family's hard work (several generations)and my and my son's inheritance, sell it, and spend it all on OW.

I can always drop the action should he choose to work on the marriage. I am hoping for that.

I am not lining up witnesses. He is. What he thinks to accomplish, I don't know. There will be no denying the proof that I have. I assume he is looking for financial testimony or character witnesses. My greatest concern really is that he is acting like a 13 year old girl. (You can't be my friend if you are friends with her.) How juvenile.