Hi all

I went into Plan B at the last minute on Sunday with a pretty crappy letter. Here is the newest version for your review if you don't mind checking it out... this is lifted right from SAA, with some adjustments.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Dear Fogman:

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with J*** possible. I was not there for you when you needed me the most. I did not understand my responsibility to meet your most important Emotional Needs (as we explored in the questionnaires) and avoid Love Busters at all costs. Now we are both suffering for this mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with J*** once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I ask for you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know about the suffering and pain I have endured because of your relationship with J***, and I simply cannot be with you in any way knowing that you are with her, and living with her and her child once again. I still care about you, but cannot see you or talk to you under these circumstances any longer.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from J***, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other…a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to ever separate again. I married you for life. I want to be your best friend, and I want you as my best friend.

I care about you deeply and continue to right up to this very day, but I cannot be with you, talk to you or help you as long as you are seeing J***.

When you are ready or need help with anything Steve Harley would be happy to assist you in any way. He has offered for you to call him and set up a time to talk if you are willing. The counseling line is 1 (888) 639-1639.

Love always,
WAID

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd lik eto get this sent out tomorrow if possible. Fogman beeped me twice and called like 4 times today (NC on Monday or Tuesday). He must need his WAID fix. He's NOT gonna have it!

Thanks all for your support. Don't know where I'd be without you all...

AAAHHHHH, Plan B......


***edited to main counseling # for the forum only ***

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: What AmIDoing? ]</small>

WAID, I'm no PBL expert, but I've never cared for the use of MB jargon in the letter from SAA. It sounds cold to me.

Do you think the letter has enough of your personality in it?

GC

I agree with GC, unless you use that vernacular around the supper table.

I'll give you the link to a whack of samples.

PLB samples

GC

Like, I know what you mean about it seeming "cold", but SH told me to use it as a guide, so that's what I'm leaning towards. I guess I could spice it up a little, but then I'm afraid that would put the focus on ME, not HIM. I guess I'm trying to avoid ANY reference to his guilt or assuming anything about how he feels. This would be LB-ing, something Fogman says I have stopped (he actually said he couldn't find any when he tried to fill out the LB questionairre! I am so proud of myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

Steve said to post to you all to get feedback, so thanks!

My love bank is so fricking depleted now that I honestly could NOT write that I love him madly or any of that cr*pola, I do not feel this right now. SH suggested to put "I care for you" instead. Unfortunately, that is almost a stretch. Plan B was overdue. I plan A'd for 6 months preggo and new baby and three kids and I'm just sick of it!

I don't mean that it needs to be more flowery or more lovey-dovey.

Just take this part:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did not understand my responsibility to meet your most important Emotional Needs (as we explored in the questionnaires) and avoid Love Busters at all costs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and rewrite it with the jargon taken out of your vocabulary.

e.g.,

I did not understand well enough the need to be the best wife I could be for you, and I did not do my best to avoid bad habits that would diminish your feelings for me.

... is all I'm suggesting.

As for the "I cannot ... help you as long as you are seeing so-and-so" part - in SAA I believe this refers to the husband's financial support.

How do you feel like you are "helping" your WH right now?

GC

I provide more than 1/2 income for bills, plus take care of his eBay selling/shipping and any other Vermont business/errands he needs (he lives in Maine). He actually started using our gas credit cards to eat meals (GAG!) and then I am stiffed with the bill. He never asked if he could do this, just whined and said, how am I supposed to eat? He gave me the gas cards on Sunday.

He beeped me this morning and has called twice so far. My new phone with caller ID is charging up. I need this letter done TODAY! I will edit more, thanks!

I don't want to talk to him PERIOD!

WAID

I was where you are right now. I know what you mean about not wanting to see or deal with him. Plan B is so awesome. I loved it. We are in recovery now and somedays I still wish I were plan Bing....LOL.

I sent that exact letter from SAA. Put her name in it and a few other things personal like they said and off it went. He hated it. You will be fine on your own. I did it, of course with only two kids but I would have been the last person who could have thought they could be on their own. Keep posting.
HINY

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 05:46 PM: Message edited by: HopefulinNY ]</small>

I agree with GC that you should take out the terms Emotional Needs and Love Busters, especially if he has not read the books or did not read them with his whole heart.

Fogman hasn't read the books, but I am trying to make MB my *new* way of dealing with him, so we do use the MB terms. He threw his copy of SAA out the door on Sunday when I initiated Plan B. He is an LB master, someone I really don't admire anymore. My 3-year-old raced outside and handed it back to me.

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: What AmIDoing? ]</small>

WAID, it's not such a big thing. Getting rid of the jargon was just a suggestion.

I love the image of the three-year-old helping you out.

Fogman is funny!

GC

Yeah, the 3-year-old who worships his father knows he shouldn't have thrown a book like that. Oh, boy, the only thing that keeps me going these days (besides encouragement from SH) is that he used to be such a wonderful hubby and daddy. We always have had our ups and downs, of course, even really bad downs.

Here's a new version. A few changes. Comments please????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Dear Fogman:

I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with J*** possible. I was not there for you when you needed me the most. I did not understand my responsibility to meet your most important Emotional Needs (as we explored in the questionnaires) and avoid Love Busters at all costs. Neither of us did. Now we are both suffering for this mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with J*** once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I ask for you to respect my decision to separate from you like this. You must know the suffering, pain and emptiness I have endured because of your relationship with J***, and I simply cannot be with you in any way knowing that you are with her, and living with her and her child once again. I still care about you, but cannot see you or talk to you under these circumstances any longer.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from J***, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other…a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. A better marriage… a wonderful marriage. Then there will never be a reason for us to ever separate again. I married you for life. I want to be your best friend, and I want you as my best friend. Those few days last week when I felt some hope for us were amazing. The pain was melted instantly, and hope and joy were flooding in. It was wonderful, but oh so short. I long for those feelings again.

I care about you deeply and continue to right up to this very day, but I cannot be with you, talk to you or help you as long as you are seeing J***.

I ask that you please continue to send money for the kids and house expenses. The Vermont child support guidelines are $xxx per week. If that sounds fair to you, we would appreciate at least this amount so that we can continue to live in the house. I won’t deposit any check you might send until Friday, of course. I will print out and fax all of your emails to you to the xxxxxx office, so check there for your email. If you would like to speak with the kids, please leave a message and they will call you back on your cell phone. I will contact you by fax if anything happens with the house.

When you are ready, Steve Harley would be happy to assist you in any way. He has offered for you to call him and set up a time to talk if you are willing. His appointment line is 1-888-639-1639 and counseling line is xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Love always, WAID

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: What AmIDoing? ]</small>

He keeps beeping me and calling me. I feel sick. Need to send this letter ASAP!

It looks alright.

Remove Steve's counseling number in these posts (leave it in the letter though).
I don't believe he would want a bunch of people calling him direct unless they are already in counseling with him.

Your right Chris! Ooops!

He keeps calling me....he says we have to communicate somehow. What should I do?

I do not want to talk to him!

Edit your posts and remove Steve's counseling number.

Answer the phone and see what he wants.

What did you write in your previous letter?
If it was full of LB, you should add something to this one and apologize.

Get the letter done and give it to him today.


******Phone number has been edited******

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

Chris-
Should I send the letter first? I really don't want to talk to him until the "rules" of Plan B are established with him. My first letter was a sweet lovey letter in which I agreed to wait for him blahblahblah and that I am concerned when he says he's "going to hell anyway...". No LB's. WAID ain't going there anymore. Quick Plan B was added at the end of this letter before he left to go back to Maine on Sunday.

He's beeping me again. I'm sending this thing now. Sorry about putting Steve's line in the posts. Of, course, that # is only for current patients with a scheduled appointment. Thanks for pointing that out!

I appreciate your feedback, plus some great thoughts from HINY via email. Those other flowery Plan B letters just aren't seeming real to me at this point.

Double-trouble

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: What AmIDoing? ]</small>

I say talk to him, especially since the last letter was no about no contact.
Keep it to a minimum and keep it sweet.

Absolutely NO LBs!

I really don't want to talk to him until the "rules" of Plan B are established with him.
Once the rules are established, then you will not speak with him about anything until he ends the affair.

Those other flowery Plan B letters just aren't seeming real to me at this point.
It's good to make it in your own words as long as the meaning is not changed but it works, it works.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lotsa people try to write it from scratch and many times it's not even close to Plan B letter.

<small>[ September 30, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris- Thanks so much for your help. PBL sent successfully today. WH beeped me like a zillion times, finally adding 999999 at the end which is our signal for an emergency. I figured he had gotten the letter, so I reluctantly called him.

He was understanding of my feelings and thought that the letter spelled them out well enough. He was NOT happy about NC with him at all, constantly threatening stupid **** like D and no $$to kids, the usual crap I've heard before. He insists that we need to have some communication, even if we do get a D (fogtalk-type of D I guess). I referred repeatedly to the letter to reinforce my need to avoid the pain the A has been causing.

He says that the week has been a wake-up call for him and that he misses me and the kids. He admits that he panicked when I wouldn't talk to him. I know I gave him a WAID fix and that pisses me off. I said you may say these things and miss us, but that you will sleeping in the same bed with her tonight when you go home. Actions speak louder than words. He asked me where should he sleep, so I told him maybe in his car (which was good enough for when he HAD to leave ME). He b*tched about how cold it was and what about the couch instead? WhatEVER, Fogman...

He says he almost got fired today because of his cell phone usage or something. He calls her and me from his work cell phone. Old thread describes the whole "Your Sweetness" entry that she programmed for him that he thought was "funny". That incident was the trigger for the D for me. Not funny AT ALL.

Remember I spoke with OW the day I went into Plan B? Anyway, I told him that she said he had chosen her. He was suprised and said he didn't know anything about our phone call. Of course she didn't talk to him about it! I accused her of stealing my H and really gave her a piece of my mind.

He is planning to come home this weekend even though I asked him not to. She will be driving him (he's in trouble and is not allowed to drive until he pays off some traffic tix) He doesn't GET it!!!! I will plan on NOT being here the entire weekend. I have friends that will keep us all very busy and for that I am so grateful. There is a chance he will be here on Sunday, so that is just not acceptable.

Plan B was feeling good, so I am going dark again. He sounds like he's imploding, but he hasn't actually DONE anything to change ANYTHING. Typical Fogman behavior... makes me sick.

WAID, you'd better be tough! That aggressive beeping is unacceptable. If you get snookered into another conversation with him, you have to tell him to stop.

But don't get snookered. It hurts your plan.

GC