I have been posting on this site for a few months now under "emotional Needs". I switched to post here in hopes of finding people that have or are going thru what I am and get some help & advise as my patience is wearing VERY THIN.
Some of marriage history:
I married my H 3 yrs ago we have been together for 4 yrs. Over the 4 years, I have caught him several times doing stupid little things like talking to old GF on line behind my back and on occasion the chats were sexually playful.
last year while I was in school, he was going to give an estimate at some ladies house. Well, turns out the lady was also going to school and she was in my same class! (Small world) anyways, my hubby goes to get me one day from school and she sees him and the next day asks me questions about him. I told him he was my husband. Turns out, according to her, that H was going to do some work at her house, and they started talking, hubby told her that he was married, but wasnt happy etc..they kissed and he was supposed to go back to finish remodeling her bathroom. Well he never went back for some reason. She spilled all this out to me at school...I confronted my hubby and he said she made the first move and kissed him, and that is why he never went back. (Not sure what really happened or who to believe) She was thrown out of school a few weeks later for another incident with another student.
Next: My hubby has an online woman friend who he has talked to online for over 5 years. When we met and moved in together, I really didnt mind, but one day I found some old floppies and all their conversations were recorded on there. I confronted him, they were sexual and very intimate conversations. They had plans to meet in person one day. At that time she was having husband troubles and lived in Vermont. We live in Florida. I told my H that I didnt like that he was living with me in a committed relationship and talking to her. He said they were friends, and he hardly spoke with her anymore. Several months go by, we get married, and one day I find an email from her to my hubby on the puter, saying she was coming back to Florida to live and get away from her hubby, and that she hoped they could meet etc....Hubby answers her email saying that he couldnt wait to meet her etc..she gives me directions to her home here in Fl. (she has now moved into the same city we live in about 20 minutes drive away). I confronted H about that email and told him there was NO way he was going to meet her and I really felt uncomfortable with the whole thing of him and her still talking especially since their relationship had been more than just friends on line and now she was moving here. He got all pissed off that I was reading his private emails, and after much discussion told me he would end it and write her an email saying he couldnt talk to her no more. I thought it was a done deal and we went on with our life.
Almost a year and a half later, my hubby hires 2 young men to do some part time work for him at his job. well I find out but coincidence that the 2 kids are HER 2 sons! Apparently he had kept in contact with her all this time, had given her his cell phone # and my Husband had even gone to her house and done some repairs on the home that she wanted. Of course she paid him (so he says) I cant remember, but he gave her a discount.I do remember him doing the work, but he changed the customers name and was really elusive as to the location of the job etc..I didnt pay attention at that time to it.
As soon as I found out that the 2 guys were her sons, I confronted my husband and the whole truth came out. He swears and promises that there was NO SEX and that all he did was meet her and do some repairs for an old friend. That is he would have told me, I would have gone ballistic, thats why he lied and hid it from me! ( that was his justification)
I was devastated, he had emailed her back apologizing for sending the no contact letter becasue I MADE HIM do it, but that he wanted to keep talking to her as friends.
We calmly talked and I clearly explained how I felt about the whole thing, all the lies and deception and making me look like a fool! He promised it would not happen again, he fired her 2 sons and ahsnt given them any more work and as far as I know he hasnt spoken to her anymore. This was 4 months ago.
He hired another woman, a 34 yr old, divorced with 2 kids to do clean up at his job sites. Well turns out she was a basket case, always had trouble with her Ex, and my H was her little shoulder to cry on. she never had money, so many times my hubby would buy her lunch etc...I felt this was inappropriate and told him so...turns out she was very good at playing the damsel in distress and no longer works with my hubby after I started showing up at lunch and SHE did not get any more freebies from him!
a few weeks ago, i call hubby on cell phone and tell him I am getting out of school early and if he wanted me to stop by the job site. He gets all nervous and says No, I am not there, I am out running around trying to get materials. This was at 2pm. my gut feeling was, something is up..so I drive by the job site and he isnt there. His partner says he left about an hour before to get some parts. Well I call h on cell again, and casually ask where he is at, and he replies that he is at the print shop getting TShirts made up for the business. I drive by there, and NO HUBBY at the print shop. I call him back, and then he is like all nervous again and says 'well i was there and just left, too many people in line". I told him that was a LIE because I was sitting at the print shop and he never showed up, so then he proceeds to tell me he is on the way to the hardware store and will be back at the job site in a while. I drive by the hardware store, and NO HUBBY. Sitting in the parking lot, I call his cell # again, and say, honey where are you at not? and he says, I am at XXHardware, I ask , You are??? and he says yes. I tell him he is lying again cuz I am sitting at the Hardware store and he isnt here. He says I am going to the job site and we will talk about it then! By this time I want to strangle him...but go to the job site and wait. 2 1/2 hrs later he drives up. Realy nervous becasue he knows he has been caught and better have an explanation. According to him, a lady that works at the cafe where they eat lunch alot called him and asked him to help her becasue she had 2 flat tires on her truck and couldnt get to work and she had no one else to call, so he went and picked her up and was at the tire place . (this is true, as it turns out a neighbor was there getting tires fixed and saw my H with another woman getting tired fixed) Once again he apologized and said he should have told me the turth but says if he had told me, I would have gotten mad and probably driven to the tire place and made a scene!!! The woman with the tired was going to work for them part time also, and after that incident she never showed up for work as scheduled the next day!
As for our relationship, I keep forgiving and trying to get this marriage to work, but things are horrible. I cant bring myself to trust him, he says he loves me, doesnt want a divorce, but he keeps doing stupid things without thinking. We have had NO SEX for 7 months. He finally admitted that I had gained weight since we got together and that he was not turned on and that "my fat on the belly was disgusting to him". That was like a stab in my heart, so i went on a diet and have lost 22 lbs and now weigh exactly what I did when we met. I am exercising and plan to lose another 20 lbs. But still sex has not resumed, I have tried to bring it up and discuss it, but all i get from him is "i dont have the desire" or I am tired or I keep getting this mental picture of all the belly fat and it disgusts me. I have tried to be nice, and I listen to him and encourage him in all his projects, but I get nothing back. Affection and conversation from him is like pulling teeth. He cuddles for about 5 minutes at night right before he rolls over to go to sleep. He does hug me occasionally and says he is proud of me for sticking to the diet and that he is beginning to notice some weight loss, occasionally I get a kiss..thats it! He has not tried to have sex with me, no matter what I do or say, its always, we will see, or maybe. Its not a ohysical thing because I know he can get an erection after I was kissing and cuddling and fondling him the other night on the couch, But he did not respond, no touching me back, no sounds , nothing. SO I asked him if he wanted me to stop, and he said Yes, I really didnt want you to do that...I felt so bad and was embarrassed. So I just got up and came to bed, he came to bed also but never bought up the incident and just went to bed.
He is good with financial support, but I am getting no where with him. I try to Plan A, but I get so frustrated sometimes, that I always end up trying to talk things out, get it out and fix these problems. I dont know if he is having an affair, I can usually account for his whereabouts, and I check his cell phone bill, but that doesn not record the incoming calls, only outgoing, and there are some # that I can not find on the directory but they can be customers.
he keeps telling me over and over again that he loves me and that he is not cheating but I just dont know....I have so many doubts, I want this to work, I want to have sex with my husband again, and I am lost. I dont know what to do anymore. He wont even consider reading articles or doing the questionnaires, he says he hates doing stuff like that, he wont go to counseling (its expensive here) and we are pretty tied up with car payments, mortgage etc. Please ! Any help on what steps I can take???? Any advice on how to get thru to him???? Should I keep pushing for sex, should I just ignore it and let him decide when I am skinny enough to turn him on?????

Help!

luly, just out of curiousity how tall are you and how much do you weigh?

One thing that is true of many men, myself included, is the "need" for a physically attractive spouse. Now understand that "physically attractive" varies with each man, so we are NOT talking about Twiggy here, or Hollywood's notion of "plastic beauty."

That "need", alone, can be enough to quench a "desire" for sex, but the reluctance to even try is probably based on a deeper problem. Assuming your husband is young, his sex drive is going to be strong simply because he has as lot of Testosterone flowing through his system. That "drive" is finding release somewhere. Porn, masturbation, an affair are likely culprits. Your husband likes to be the "white knight" to women in distress. He likes to feel needed and "appreciated." You, on the other hand, are "there." You are not in "need of saving." He would have to get down off of his mighty charger to meet you as an equal. But he likes the "superior" position.

But I also think that he is involved in an affair, Emotional for sure, possibly physical. I don't buy his excuses for one minute.
Caught is caught. And you caught him. So if he doesn't want the marriage to end in divorce, and if you don't, you are both going to have to get serious about DOING what is necessary, no matter what.

What "extraordinary precautions," for example, have the two of you put into place?

Have you filled out the Emotional Needs questionnaire?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wont even consider reading articles or doing the questionnaires, he says he hates doing stuff like that, he wont go to counseling (its expensive here) and we are pretty tied up with car payments, mortgage etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOU have not established your Boundaries. Or if you have, you have not committed to yourself to stand by them.

It is important that you learn about both Boundaries and Standards and be able to KNOW what they are for you and what you will do. Right now, you are floating around letting him be a "cakewalker" simply because you are afraid.

Let me make it simple: Marriage is monogomous. It is "forsaking ALL others." It sounds very much like you both need to go back to "Marriage 101" class. If you choose to do nothing, do NOT expect a different outcome. That IS the definition of insanity...doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result.

The last thing I'm going to say is that it sounds like you are both very young. Did you have premarital counseling? Are you involved in a church? Or did you both have the "hots" for each other and simply decided to do the "civilized thing" and get married? There is a huge difference between getting to "like" someone and getting to "know" someone.

It is obvious that a "loving confrontation" is needed. That is one of the reasons why I'm stressing that you both need to be in Joint Marital Counseling, no matter how inconvenient it seems or how "emotionally distressing" you think it is. You both CANNOT do this on your own. Don't you think that 1.5-2 years of trying that is enough to prove to both of you that it doesn't work?

Talk is cheap. Change requires ACTION, not words.

Thanks Forever for your insight...we are not young, I am 46 and husband is 47. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us. We are both in good health other than my being a bit overweight. He used to have a tremendous sex drive, 2 times a day, then slowly every 2-3 days then maybe once a week to nothing. He refuses to go to a Dr. to get checked out/ I know he can get an erection as I stated in the post above.

I am 5'4 and when we met I weighed 150lbs. I am latin and will NEVER be skin & bones or a Barbie type, now I am down to 149 and still on my weight watchers diet to lose another 20lbs. So he can see I am committed to filling his need for a thin attractive wife. He says he is proud of me for my commitment, but still no sex. I am at my wits end.

We had a pretty good sex life but for the last year it slowly deteriorated to how it is now, ZERO. I understand that sex does go down after marriage and as problems and responsibility start to mount, however going 7 months is a bit much.
I have talked to him calmly and explained my feelings and he sits there and listens but I get very little feedback. He promises to try and nothing changes. If I push the issue he ends up mad, I get upset and we are back at square one. At one point when I pressed him to talk about the issues and try to reach an agreement, he got very very mad and said he couldnt live like this anymore, me nagging him all the time and doubting him etc and he wanted a separation. I am not in a financial position to move out, and this is his home, he paid for it with 100% of his money, so him leaving is not an option and I really dont want that , I feel we need to stay and work it out if possible.
So do I back off, and not ask him about the sex thing and see how long he waits? I feel he is punishing me for gaining wieght and in his mind, he is with-holding it. He can cuddle and kiss me, but no sex ???????
UGHHH

Luly, sorry about the mistaken assumption about the ages.

Okay, I'm just hazarding a guess here, but I would not be surprised if there are at least two things going on here. One is guilt, that shows up in anger and blaming.

The second is physical. There is an easy way to find out, but your husband will have to swallow a little "macho pride" in order to do it. I assume from what you said that, he too, might be Latin, and have that "Latin macho image." The second thing is that he may have a low testosterone level. Testosterone is THE cause of sexual drive in men, and also for women. But the level of testosterone in men is WAY more than in most women. But, the testosterone level in men begins declining rapidly as they get past their mid-20's and by 40 can easily be way below the "normal" level. A simple blood test can check the level of testosterone. If it is low, as simple testosterone supplement can increase the level back into the normal range, and chemisty will take over. The "drive" will be restored. The same thing, by the way, holds true for women. Women on testorerone supplements often tell of how "horny" they are. It's basic chemistry and how our bodies react.

Now, if it is testosterone, and your husband is reluctant, ask him if he would take a pill to control his blood pressure or cholesterol if they were too high. It's the same thing. Ask someone who has a Hypothyroid condition if they would prefer to "suffer" or to take Synthroid?

How about yourself? If you had Osteoporosis, or the early stages, would you take a Calcium supplement or wait around for the bones to break as you "wished and hoped" for a better outcome.

Pardon my southern speak...but y'all gotta get busy dealing with reality and not wishes.

Besides, he probably doesn't like going to the Doctor for a checkup anyway. Most men, including me, don't like to go unless "something is wrong." Well, something may be wrong. Think of it like cancer. If you think it might be a problem, get it checked out. Then you'll know if it is or isn't a real issue that needs addressing.

God bless.