For those of you who don't know my situation, I was caught talking to OW for a 2 week period. Nothing sexual or emotional was involved. Just me getting my ego stroked.
Anyway, my wife says she wants a divorce. We have been seperated for 2 1/2 months. She says she has lost all trust in me and can't get it back.
Late last night she calls me to come over for sex. When I got there she was in bed crying. We made love, good love. Afterwards she started crying again. Wishes that I hadn't been messing around on her and how hurt she was.
On the way out, she came downstairs and gave me a huge hug and wouldn't let go. She says she wished she could trust me again. I told her I am a changed man and I would be there for her if she wanted to get back together.
I feel that during our seperation I have done everything right to get us back together. How do I prove to her that I can be trusted again? Trust has never been an issue in our marriage before, it was actually the strongest part of it.

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 07:47 AM: Message edited by: firemob1 ]</small>

Of course your wife wants to trust you! All of us BS WANT to trust our spouses again. Not because it makes YOU feel better...but because it makes US feel better to be able to trust.

I don't know your story, firemob. When was your affair? How long did it last? How did your wife find out? Did the affair end right away? When did you promise NC? How long ago was this two-week contact after D-Day?

Nothing sexual or emotional was involved. Just me getting my ego stroked.

Well, this is one big reason your wife can't trust you yet. You don't understand the effect and consequences of your affair. You think this contact was no big deal. As far as your wife is concerned, it is the continuation of the affair. How can you said nothing emotional was involved and in the next sentence say you were just getting your ego stroked?

Did you tell your wife you needed your ego stroked or you were going to contact the OW for the stroking? Did you tell your wife that she shouldn't worry about the OW filling a need for you since it wasn't emotional or sexual?

Trust takes time, firemob, and you have to do the actions that are going to help your wife trust you. From what you've written here, you're not doing that. And worse..again, you don't seem to understand the effects of your affair on your wife, on your marriage, nor on yourself.

Or maybe I'm misreading?

Are you saying that your entire affair consisted of talking to another woman for two weeks? (I read it as renewed contact for two weeks)

If so,
1) Please accept my apologies for my post before, though I'm going to let it stand unedited for now
2) Understand that getting your ego stroked is having a need filled.

Okay..and if this is the case (the entire affair was two weeks)...I can undertand your wife's hurt and distrust, BUT..it *seems*, without more information, that this is a little bit of an overreaction--separating and talk of divorce. Have you tried to get to what the real problem is and what problems were present in the marriage pre-A?

Maddyk- The entire A lasted two weeks. I have not seen or talked to the OW since D-day. We did have issues before that we have worked through. But now since I have broken her trust, it just seems that it is to much for her to overcome. I have told her that it takes time to regain trust. I want to prove myself to her in my actions and my words.

Wife called me today and we talked for an hour. She still says she loves me and cares for me. But everytime she even thinks that she might want to work on our marriage she says that the A comes right back to her and she gets upset again. The trust issue now is huge. She said that she can't risk taking me back and somewhere down the line me screw up again. And that even if we did get back together and everything was great, she would always be wondering where I was at, who I was with etc. and doesn't want to live on pins and needles the rest of her life. I do understand where she is coming from. I told her that it would take time to regain trust in me and to give me that chance. She said that our dissolution would take 3 or 4 months to go through and during that time she would keep evaluating our situation.
I am a changed man now and know what I need to do in order for a marriage to work. Not just work but be a great one. I told her that I hope she lets me prove this to her.

I want to say that this website is great. I just wish I would have found it in my 2 weeks of fog to see all the pain and misery an A can cause. I know I wouldn't be in my situation right now if I would have.

Wife called me today and we talked for an hour. She still says she loves me and cares for me. But everytime she even thinks that she might want to work on our marriage she says that the A comes right back to her and she gets upset again. The trust issue now is huge. She said that she can't risk taking me back and somewhere down the line me screw up again. And that even if we did get back together and everything was great, she would always be wondering where I was at, who I was with etc. and doesn't want to live on pins and needles the rest of her life. I do understand where she is coming from. I told her that it would take time to regain trust in me and to give me that chance. She said that our dissolution would take 3 or 4 months to go through and during that time she would keep evaluating our situation.
I am a changed man now and know what I need to do in order for a marriage to work. Not just work but be a great one. I told her that I hope she lets me prove this to her.

You may think your a "changed" man....already but in fact your not. You have not had the TIME to really make changes. W is not stupid.

Simply by your statement that if you had found MB you wouldn't have had an A says alot to me. Like "how come you NEVER knew this would hurt your wife"??? Your W is betrayed by you. Do you understand that right now she is thinking you are and probably ALWAYS have been a liar??? She is most likely thinking your life has been a crock of cr@p!

You can not expect her to to just "get over this" though I am very sure you would like it to be that "easy" for you. Unfortunetly the damage you have caused is sometimes not reversable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You had an A. Do you understand what hurt and doubt you have caused? do you really? if you did I doubt you would be thinking that your W is unreasonable in in thinking you are ALREADY a changed man~ that she can not trust you or thinks she may never trust you again.

WS's need to take a look in the mirror. They need to understand that when they commit adultry it is in the minds of many S's the ULTIMATE and ONLY reason they would ever ever leave their M.

Sorry to say.........some just can not get over an A. It is the ultimate hurt and betrayal... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Our Christian C's first question to me was did I want to forgive??? I will be honest and tell you in the beginning...I wasn't sure! Why would I want to "give" something good to my WS??

You need to absolutely walk the good walk and talk the good talk fire. If you do NOT do an incredible plan A with your W the outcome may be what you fear......D.

You need to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING in your power to SHOW her your commitment and love and loyalty right now. Tell her in no uncertain terms this was the BIGGEST mistake of your life and she is the only thing that matters to you. Period.

I think it is so sad today.....how easily a S wanders off when they "need" something. Whatever happened to shivelry and dignity????

Did I give you enough 2X4's to show you I am also a BS like your W and that her feelings are not abnormal??? I certainly hope you see the fear, pain and anger that arises from the selfish WS's actions.

Getting off my soap box....curtsy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good Luck
Blessings,
Atruheart

firemob,

Why don't you give her your plan of action to restore trust? Tell her that you will:

1) call her several times a day so she always knows where you are

2) give her all your voicemail passwords, cell phone bills, etc

3) send a letter of no contact to the OW telling her that the affair was a huge mistake and that you love your wife. Have your W mail it to her.

4) tell your W that you will answer ALL her questions about what you did and talked about with the OW. And when she asks, be open and honest, holding nothing back

Write your plan out on paper and take it to her with a love letter and some expensive roses. See how that flies.

Here is a sample no contact letter to send to the OW, you could take it to your W and ask if she approves and have HER mail it to OW:


(OW),

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife/husband, I have come to realize that I do not want to have any further contact with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that _______ (BS) did not deserve.

While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her/him, I will do my best to become the husband/wife she/he’s been missing. I love her/him deeply and I do not want to do anything to risk her/his future happiness.

I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to continue to try and make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to permanently end our relationship.

Sincerely,

Thanks for the responses.

I have been truthful with my wife. I have told her everything that had happened. I have had no contact with the OW and my wife knows this. She gets the detailed cell phone bill and knows what I am doing. I am hiding nothing from her.

Thanks for the advice melodylane on writing a letter to her of my plans for the future. I have told her but putting it on paper would keep it fresh in her mind. She has kept the love letters that I have sent her and reads them over often.

firemob, it is not enough to just end contact with OW, that no contact letter means ALOT to a BS. It means that you mean business and that you put the BS before the OW. Your W was not there when you ended contact but this letter will have her participation and blessing and will go a LONG way in rebuilding trust.

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 06:01 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Last night, my FWW and I discussed her previous affair and how it caused so much damage in our lives. We talked about how so many on this MB Board have ongoing and recurring contact with their lovers even though they promise not too.

I told her now that she is completely out of her fog state, she knows exactly what she is doing today. She is no longer blinded by her fantasy love. I told her that there is no doubt in my mind that if she renews contact with the OM again, I would file for a divorce immediately. She said she won't and she hasn't had any contact since April of 04. I thought it was good for her to be reminded that I won't give her another chance. At this time, I have regained my overall trust for her, although I would not let her go out on the town without me.

TooSoon

<small>[ October 02, 2004, 08:58 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

Firemob,

Just wanted to ask if you and your W are in MC? Has she read any A books?
Would she agree to that?

The reason I am asking is that, if your W has separated from you and is thinking of a D, when your EA actually only lasted 2 weeks and involved "no emotional or sexual talk", then it sounds to me like your W has overreacted somewhat, compared to most people (although, of course, there is no "standard reaction"). Maybe your W has some trust issues stemming from childhood or maybe a previous R??

It sounds to me as though you have truly learnt from your experience and you have given her good reasons to trust you again. Do you think she would be willing to go to MC with you and work through her issues as well?

Wife and I are currently in counseling but not together and with different counselers. We went to counseling together about a year ago for some different issues and our marriage was doing real good after that until d-day. I have asked her to go together but she won't. Says we already did that. I have read about 6 books on affairs and relationships that have really helped me. Wife has read a few.
I know quite a few people that have gone through affairs and there marriages now are better and stronger than ever. One person got D because his W left him for OM. The ones that wanted to work through it did and are very happy now. I have talked to my wife about this and her answer is she still doesn't want to worry all the time about me doing this to her again.
It takes time, a long time for a BS to get that trust back and I know this. I hope and pray that someday she will.