Well this is the end-
I truly thought it wasn't going to happen like this however, you are just too stubborn to look at certain factors in this world. I really wish you could have looked back and seen the fact that I was going through a rough time in my life and gave me some sympathy. Iike how I gave you sympathy when you came home from your divorce crying. I gave you a couple of days to think about what has been happening to us and you change your whole perspective on our relationship. Sorry things had to end this way. I will get in contact with ashley or eric to get my stuff and drop off yours. Please don't try to be my friend. We could never just be friends and you know that. Unfortunately it hurts to hear from your friends how perfect I was for you and hear keely tell me that you tell her that you were madly in love with me. However I am not going to play the fool and pretend that you haven't committed yourself to someone else. I hope he is everything you expect him to be. And I am truly sorry thinks didn't work, and to think that I am the one that thinks about things too much. Good bye, OP

XW called me this evening and left her new cell phone number on my voicemail like she had sais she would. I guess this also proves that she did end it with OP like she said she did. Now do I call her or what?

Nah...let her call you back... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Talked to her tonight and she invited me to a movie tomorrow. Maybe she is starting to be for real here.

WOW, what a roller coaster ride you are on. This sounds encouraging. Take it slow and see what happens. What movie are you going to see?

Juke:

Well all right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Guess that at least does answer "some" questions for you.....and can hopefully make you relax a bit.

Just Curious,
But if you 2 don't live together and really have very little contact...how was it that you were able to "intercept" a note from the OM?
Please explain.
Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Also even though this IS VERY positive, please take the advise given previously, and SLOW Down here.
YOUR going "full court press" at this point is Only going to make her hesitate and YOU crazy.

YOU are Divorced. Sad but true.
So start treating her like any woman you would "date."
(Yes date, NOT pickup...sorry had to clarify).

This kind of strategy is what got her to Marry you in the first place.

However, all in all ... sounds good!
Keep it up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Go slow, juke. There is absolutely NO REASON to be in any hurry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From juke's XW's OP's "goodby" letter:
<strong>We could never just be friends and you know that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How ironic, huh?

Probably started as "just friends."

Now look.

WAT

Kloe- I know. I am just very pleased to find out that my XW has been telling the truth about what has been going on. I don't like this part though, " Unfortunately it hurts to hear from your friends how perfect I was for you and hear keely tell me that you tell her that you were madly in love with me. " I guess maybe she was or thought she was, but she has told me how they have nothing in common, he is an a-hole etc. Oh well, it's over now. I love the part that talks about XW being committed to someone else. That someone else is me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I also like how she is the one to break it off with him just like she told me. Now I can believe her. Crying after the D hearing too is true.

Tope Rope- Yes it helps me relax! Yes, I am planning on treating her like a woman I would date. When we first got together she came to me, she called me first, and then after our first date we were together nearly everyday for the whole five years. We totally clicked like you see in the movies or something. I am sure the more things we do the more she will want to spend time with me again. I am just going to go with the flow.

Worthatry- Yes I will go slow and with the flow. Thank God OP looks at things that way. I would hate it if he wanted to be "friends" to worm his way back in with her.

<small>[ October 09, 2004, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: juke1225 ]</small>

juke

Like everyone has stated... there is absolutely NO reason to rush any of this. Take it slow and easy. You've learned a ton about relationships, and now is the time to take the new, Plan A modified Juke, and move ahead with what you now know.

If a R is going to be possible with x-Mrs. Juke, there's going to have to be a lot of healing take place. You can never go back to the M you used to have.

Patience and wisdom to you!

SD

Woohooo!!! Sorry I had to let out the Homer cheer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> With the roller coaster ride you have been riding, I agree with WAT...take it slowly. A movie date sounds like fun...nothing too intense. The fact that she seemingly has talked to OM and told him straight up that she is interested in working on her relationship with you is GREAT news. I'd be ecstatic too.

I find it hard to believe that your WW's friends would tell this OM how great he is for her...very doubtful, in fact. I suppose this is his ploy to build his ego My WH's friends have told WH quite the opposite...they know "us" as a married couple, know how good I am for him and how happy he has been with me in his life. I am sure your wife's friends feel the same way...afterall, they attended your wedding, right?

Hey, my WH is actually in Phoenix this weekend visiting his folks. I think this is a good thing since they are pissed at him, actually want to kick his [censored] for what he has done to me. He'll have to confront them for the first time since we were together at Thanksgiving last year. I think they are going to see the Ladder 49 movie tonite...perhaps you'll be in the same theater...you can trip him up for me, implant some sense into f*cked up head (ha ha ha).

Have a fun date...will be looking for an update.

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years
His Affair: 4 months last fall, ended 1/04. Dropped bomb and left me May 04. Signed year long lease elsewhere and admits to dating. I am NOT dating. No divorce papers filed thank god...still hoping and praying for reconcilation.

kjb23 - Cool insight huh?

The part about the friends may be a lie or may not. These friends are all new and a couple of them i have met only once. Weren't at the wedding and don't know me from a hole in the wall. He still could just be lying and manipulating like he normally does.

You are lucky to have his parents on your side. My in-laws went limp like noodles when standing up to WW. Zero support there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I will never think of them the same way. Hopefully his parents can talk some sense into his foggy mind.

Juke -

What good news. Take your time like everyone else says. There is no hurry right now. I'm glad that things are settling down and going your way for awhile.

Remember, recovery is the hardest part of all of this.

Yay, Juke! Great news!
No advice, it would be repetative. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!!!!!

juke,

There are several famous studies in psychology invoving the training of rats. They used several scenarios to see how well they could train the rat to perform. One rat was put in a box with a lever and every time a gong sounded and he pressed a lever he got a treat. Another rat was put in the same box and no matter how many times the gong sounded and he pressed the lever he never got any reward. The third rat , under the same circumstances was rewarded on a very occasional random basis.

The experiment was then changed to see how quickly that learned response was able to be extinguished.There were absolutely NO REWARDS given at all. The first rat( always previously rewarded) stopped pressing the lever almost immediately and sat in a corner. The second rat did not even pay attention to the sound or the lever( he had never been rewarded). But that third rat would sit at that lever for hours hoping that the next gong would bring a treat. In short it was almost impossible to extinguish the previously learned and trained INCONSISTENT reward
behavior.

Now I am not implying that your ex is a rat but we are all part of the animal kingdom and there are definite characteristics that are shared.

It is hard to advocate playing games with your ex, but inconsistent return of phone calls, " forgotten meetings" and broken dates if done properly will help "set the hook" if you will.

If you have any doubts read ANY post on this forum by a BS and you will see the BS is being played like a marionette. THE WS's INCONSISTENCY KEEPS US ALL THERE WAITING FOR THAT TREAT TO BE DISPENSED.While I am sure this is largely unintentional by the WS, it proves my point with shocking consistency.

<small>[ October 09, 2004, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

Cymanca - I totally get what you are saying. The first time she called yesterday evening I didn't answer or call back. Then she called me again late last night and I answered. I never played games with my XW when we first met and neither did she. That was something that we both enjoyed about eachother. I am trying not to seem anxious, but I don't really want to become a flake with her either. It just isn't me. I will keep letting her call me though.

juke,

What I also meant to say is that if you are going on with your life there will be NATURAL inconsistencies that arise. Your job, your hobbies, your family will be pulling on those strings also. Make sure she doesn't get all the "priority" strings to pull.

BTW:Intercepting email from a computer that YOU DO NOT OWN (remember you are divorced) is potentially a very serious crime!

<small>[ October 09, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

Juke,

Here's my 2 cents (for what's it worth) on this stich. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

1. OM broke up with the WS? Sounds more like it than WS broke up with the OM.

OM: "Please don't try to be my friend. We could never just be friends and you know that. "

2. U and your W may not have played games B4 but she has certainly done that to you since the A. Having to resort to certain tactics to protect yourself maybe needed. Just don't overdo it. Pratice and implement as needed.

Here's why: Honesty is important but not always practical. In a dishonest world, learning how to navigate through shark infested waters requires skills. This includes learning the ways of the sharks and at times using their skills against. You can do that while skillfully walking the line of what is legal, moral and ethical.

3. Here's the hard question: R U sure there isn't an OM2? I am sorry to raise this up but the flags are showing up.

4. Watching the WS' actions vs words are critical now. It is not a 100% trustworthy but the one consistent factor is that at these times, the WS' tend to be wobbly at best. Easily confused, edgy and tempermental. Still trying to manipulate things and at these times the BS often gets caught giving into the WS as the WS and not requiring to see definite changes to an Xws before giving their spouse support.

Be careful.

JMHO,
L.

hey juke...things r looking up for ya..great. Just go slow...been following some of your posts and it seems that your XW tends to cycle quite rapidly or at least make major changes fast. It she really believes the OP is an a-hole then you have quite a jewel in your pocket and that is that your XW has developed disdain for the OM....I think this is critical for the success of any future relationship that develops between you two.....good luck.

hey juke...things r looking up for ya..great. Just go slow...been following some of your posts and it seems that your XW tends to cycle quite rapidly or at least make major changes fast. It she really believes the OP is an a-hole then you have quite a jewel in your pocket and that is that your XW has developed disdain for the OM....I think this is critical for the success of any future relationship that develops between you two.....good luck.

Orchid- XW is the one who broke it off with him. "I gave you a couple of days to think about what has been happening to us and you change your whole perspective on our relationship." "Unfortunately it hurts to hear from your friends how perfect I was for you and hear keely tell me that you tell her that you were madly in love with me. However I am not going to play the fool and pretend that you haven't committed yourself to someone else." How do you read him breaking up with her in that? He is saying how this hurts him because they are perfect together etc. Sounds to me like he wants her. But anyway, I can tell by her behavior around me that there is not a OM2. she looks me in the eyes without shame and she never could do that when she was seeing the guy. The part about being committed to someone else I believe is talking about me. She told friends who know him that she was going to be spending time with me and starting our R new etc.

Juke,

If you feel safe that the WS is turning back to your W, then I am happy for you.

Remember this recovery stuff takes time. She still may have bouts of ranting and raging like a WS. It will lessen with time if she keeps working at it.

Support for her as your W is critical but NC for her as a WS is just as vital. You should not be allowed to enable her A in any shape or form.

all the best,
L.