2long, my buddy was just there, like a month ago. He's an accelerator operator and had a class.

They do pretty well, far as cold temps go. But I think by one measure at least Warroad, MN, was last winter's champ.

GC

g'night, GC.

Gc:

It's rather amazing 2 us left coasters. It's so green over here. Where I hail from, we have 2 WATER our [censored] if we want it not 2 2rn brown! It ac2ally RAINS here!

-ol' 2long

2Long,

Where I am, I often look at the "current conditions" report at night and see something like "77 degrees. 93% humidity". Stuff pretty much waters itself when it's like that. All my windows are wet on the outside every morning - and sometimes all day.

-AD

Well, 2Long, if you are in Ithaca, it's 2am.

It's bad enough here - 1am.

So, I'll go lie down. (Lay down?)

Gooood Niiight!

AD:

Right!

I'm 2wired 2sleep. Soon, though.

Gave my presentation schpiel this afternoon (yes2rday?). Drank more Arrogant [censored] than I probably shoulda (they had it ON TAP!), so I'm sucking down some decaf coffee and playing iTunes 2 level off first.

-ol' 2long

Well, have fun, 2long.

Give us an update some time, OK?

-AD

Well, I'll think about it, AD. Right now, I think I may be 2 in love and in pain 2 know what 2 post. I love my W, I feel a lot of pain about our R even still that I don't know if I can/should vocalize, and I feel a lot of pain for Coach right now.

I'll think about it, but please don't wait up. It may never come.

best,
-ol' 2long

Good morning, y'all.

FF, what's up with your sitch? Do you have a thread I don't know about? I'm jonsing for FF updates latley. . . and since SS usually does the asking, I get my fix thru your answers to him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

2Long, you're hurting so, and I wish there was something we could help you with. I know it's all a stalemate right now. . . but who knows? I think of your sitch often. There's no shame in just loving her. Weaver was so right.

FAR, I'm glad you came over to play. This is one of the warmest, safest places to vent, chill or share a laugh. No stress, no browbeating, just relaxing with friends.

No, Gray, nothing to report; nothing that bears reporting anyhow. (And don't get me started, you know I can wax poetic for pages) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GC, do you have plans for Friday? Hope so.

Reading your description of the Sparrow's dentist appt brought very real tears to my eyes. Some woman are so damn foolish. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

AD, any changes on your front?

Where're are the girls lately? Shul? Weaver? Kimmy? JJ? I see I'm going to have to start emailing everyone to get a head count! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, I need to run a ton of errands and cut the grass before another deluge strikes. . . and it's already looking pretty dark outside. Y'all have a great day.

StillLovingHim

Hi SLH, not much to report really. He just says he doesn't know why he can't open up to me. I don't know I can't force him. I see little things falling back to how they were and it is not acceptable to me to live like that anymore. So, I guess we are going to have to talk. I see him detaching somewhat, not acceptable. I need to be loved and cared for. sigh...I guess I am just rambling.

Hows the scheduling of time together going? (gotta keep at you while ss is away LOL)

SLH, I didn't even think about Friday - my and sparrow's 11th anniversary. Yeah, I should do something.

Today I thought about the sparrow with a new perspective, sort of.

I imagine her often being very detached from everything she's done. When she does divorce-related stuff, I'll bet she goes on auto-pilot.

I remember over the years, she seemed often not very in touch with what she felt, both physically and emotionally.

She'd show symptoms of sickness. I'd ask if it felt like a virus, and she would have no idea. This blew my mind. When I have a bug, I can feel it. The feeling is distinctive.

She was often unable to articulate her feelings. It was like the two sides of her brain didn't communicate.

And so I imagine her doing the harder, less pleasant, cruel things, this past year, with an almost serene detachment.

I remember the strange robot who sent me emails.

I remember reading an essay by a former stripper. She talked about the detachment she'd experience while on stage, how she'd "zone out" while she danced. It was a protective measure her brain took to keep her from fully experiencing the moment she was in.

Just mulling this over some. No biggie.

GC

It was a protective measure her brain took to keep her from fully experiencing the moment she was in.


What are you thinking, Gray?

I have some experience with this myself, but want to know where you are coming from, first.

Was that article on a web page? i'd like to read it.

slh

I don't know SLH, just thinking about all the things we do, and how present we are when we do them. It was that WW who posted her side of the story today, and the IM conversation between the other BH and WW, got me thinking.

I don't know where I'm coming from. It was a long time ago when I read that article. Years and years.

I can easily imagine the detachment I'm trying to describe. It's somehow a familiar sensation to me. The feeling you get when you become emotionally separated from something you're doing, when your brain recognizes that the thing you're doing is going to damage you.

I wish I were more articulate right now. I think this detachment is an interesting subject.

GC

You just described how I feel when I have sf with my H. Emotionally detached.

Or at least that is how I used to feel. Now just thinking about it makes me want to run screaming.

Things are so messed up .

He got a job, in town. He says he wants to stay out here and drive back and forth. I said why don't you just stay at ow's and save the gas money?

He said he doesn't want to .( Well I guess not. That would kind of make things awkward since her b/f doesn't know they are still seeing each other.)

He is pretending that he doesn't have the cell phone, and I am pretending that I don't know that he has it and that they talk to each other. (I am the only person who doesn't know that he still has it apparently.)

So it is still the lies and cake eating.

I keep hoping he will wake up and suddenly be sick of it all, the double life, the lies.

She seems to love all the sneaking around.

I have been going to the house and cleaning and fixing things so that I have a place to go when I get laid off this winter, but I am working on a contingency plan just in case. If he is still with her, I can't handle living with him.

And even if he isn't with her, that doesn't fix anything.

He has gone to the house to feed the dogs etc, but he asked if he could come here afterward. I told him I'm easy either way.


Someone shoot me.

Why are you waiting to tell him you know about the phone?

Shul, I think you should get him out of your life, but I don't expect you will. I think it's a mistake, letting him do what he does. I worry that your DD will suffer terribly as an adult because of it.

GC

I told him a week ago or so.
He flatly denied it. Insisted that he doens't have the phone.

I know I should leave him alone, but I don't feel ready. Two weeks ago when he left ot stay at the house would have been the perfect time, but noooo....I had to go there, and of course I brought him food and let him have the car ( I bought myself a better one)and generally enable him.

In hindsight, if I had just Left Him Alone, he would have been broke, hungry and carless. He would have been destitute.

He would have had to go to ow, (which he doesnt' want to do), or own up to his lies and started treating me with respect.

But I am so stupid sometimes.

This week Beth is at camp, thank God.

She is so used to him not being around, from the years of working away, and she and I being on our own, that it is normal to her.

She was very happy that her room was finished, and she wanted to stay at the house every night before she left for camp.

I couldn't say no. She hadn't been home in nearly two years.

But it makes things complicated.

Hello All,
Its been awhile since I have posted here. Here is an update on what I have found out.....
(my original post...http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=2735388&page=0&fpart=1&vc=1)


I got curious & went online to do a little web searching. I thought, let me see if there is anything out there. So I went online, to make a long story short, and found that my xWW(?) name was in a county public record data base.

I've always put a ? after xWW, because I was never fully sure that she was wayward. I suppose all the signs were there...but I was in denial. I know that some of you have stated that she definitely was involved in one.

After viewing the record I was saddened. It was a record dated 2 months after the D. Which btw I instigated due to her wanting a separation & NC. We were separated for 2 months before I filed.

Anyway it had her name & the name of the guy I long suspected as the OM. He was a guy she met in her night class a year ealier.

The record was for a property mortgage. So I suppose she had bought a mobile home (it was for $22k).

I never thought finding this sort of information would bother me. But it does. It hurts to the core.

I hate her even more now. Her friends knew this was going on way back when we first separated. I hate them too.




One question.....
Should I contact the MC that xWW & I had, and tell him what really went on.

Background:
In early 2003, we went to the only MC in our small town. He is psychologist that sees all sorts of people...children, drug addicts, etc. It seems that marriage counseling was just a small part of his practice. Anyway, we saw him once a week for about 8-9 months. I actually thought we were getting somewhere. BTW, we were initially going to MC for general problems...not b/c of an A. That happened later...after the MC ended.

It was during the MC, that my xW started acting odd. Like she was cold & distant...having a second life....going out all the time with friends...
It was also during MC that I found some flirtatious notes she wrote to men that were in her same night class.


We ended the MC on a good note, at least I thought so. Then 2-3 months later (Jan 2004)...the bomb was dropped on me.

I filed for D in April 2004..Two months after that I find out that she had bought a mobile home with one of the guys that was in her night class. I suspected that there was something between them before.

I guess my question is, should I tell him what I have learned since all that?
I want him to know that his methods of MC dont work. During our MC, he concentrated on things like family history, communication, etc. All good things I suppose, but way off the mark...cause look at the final results.

I guess I could be just venting.

Welcome back, jrjr; I remember.

I think you're probably firing into the darkness.

Have you considered seeing an IC?

GC

Yep Ive been to IC...a year ago. I know....I am still harboring all this. It is what it is....she had an affair.

It so hard to admit. Its like a failure. That I failed. My thinking is that I never thought it would happen to me....and it has.

I'm sorry...I've come a long way since all that happened.

I suppose deep down I want someone anyone...to confirm what I feel. To tell me that she obviously had an A. That it just makes sense. I'm slow but I'm almost there.