Hey MBer's,
I've had a rough week (well, couple of weeks).
We've moved. LINY did most of the hard stuff - he took off 2 wks. I still had to work and I am teaching a class so I couldn't really take off. I was off for 4 days - I was sick and couldn't help. I think somehow that was the 1st EN not being met (for LINY).

Then there was so much $$$$ being spent and I watch the bank account going down (not there was much there to begin with .... but then LINY did a "few" scratch-offs (Brown's EN not being met). I've said this a million times in our 11 yrs of M .... I don't want a mansion, furs, diamonds, and Mercedes. I just want to live as comfortablly as we can on our salaries. I grew up on welfare and I fear these EN's not being met (for my kids and myself).

Then I was in a wedding for an old dear friend of upteen yrs. EN's met "adoration". I hated the "F'ing Purple dress" - LINY reassured me I looked "beautiful".

But, our sons are not helping out around here - in anyway. They are living in their own apt in our house and they are making their own rules and not even trying to respect ours. This brings us both to the EN of communication. (Not being met for Brown or LINY). I've tried not to LB about this - however, I can't stand the stress of our household any longer. I finally snapped last night.

I see signs of when LINY "throw his hands up and gave up". This is in part what leads to his EA. It scares the hell out of me. Then I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I get very defensive - LB'sville on the way on this rollercoaster of Recovery!!!!!!

And one more EN not being met *SEX*. Important to both of us (not equally as important of course). There's no time (b/c of kids and stuff) or too much stress (for me).

I know even M's that haven't been touch by an A can have these problems - but with that hanging in the air and knowing what we've learned over the last 3 1/2 months .... I just don't know if our EN's will ever get met. I don't know how much either one of us can take. I don't know if there is any resolution to these EN's being met or any others I haven't mentioned.

(Is Sleep an EN????? - Don't think either of us have gotten much of that either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )

Any sugesstions or advice will be considered

Brown

Brown- how old are your kids?

Hey, brown, gonna post and run here.

Both you and LINY have expressed extreme frustration with the boys. One is old enough to be on his own, right? Not sure about the other.

Anyway, they seem to be adding a LOT of stress to things. Stress that is just totally unnecessary. They are at least old enough to know better, brown, and while it does not sound like they are 100% THE problem..it looks like they're contributing a significant portion.

So what are you and LINY going to do about it? I do believe in unconditional love for children, but I also think there comes a point when you can recognize and act on how they contribute to the family system. Think Dr Phil lately. They are interrupting the rhythm of the FAMILY and they necessarily affect how you and LINY deal with each other, even if it's not directly.

I could be totally off base here and I do hope that I have not overstepped my bounds. My apologies if I have.

If you do not believe that they are contributing significantly to the current status of things..what else can go, brown? Sounds like you and LINY need some more time together. I know there's no time..but how many of us wish we had MADE the time, and would've been willing the sacrifice just about anything in order to get it (in light of subsequent events). Please please please remember that!

Brown,
I can relate with the boys. My son is living in our basement apartment. Real issue with me and my H. Maybe we can work something out...just start brainstorming...my approach..and what works for us...may not work for you..and I will get totally hammered here..so I'll hold off on telling what and how we handled it.

On another note...moving...is very stressful....it's up there on the top 10 stressful situation lists.

So you both fell to the bottom of the EN lists....it happens...life doesn't contribute to your 15 hours a week you're supposed to make according to the Harley's.

But give things a chance to settle a bit. All these issues can not be fixed quickly. Pick one battle at a time..agree the rest will wait their turn...and have one hour down time. EVERYONE has an hour. And in that hour you and LINY are together..it's just you and LINY..no kids, no bills, no work...just you and LINY and your emotional needs. EN that can only be met when you're alone together.

It can't be about money...it can't be about kids. Maybe conversation.

You've both had your time to individually deal with your stress... i.e. LINY's scratch offs. Now it's time to get back to work.

Talk it out... we'll get you through.

<<bump>>

come on brown...

I read
excuse excuse excuse excuse....

and i mean that with love and support...honest I do...

marriage is easy easy easy when things are put away and everthing is in its place...

the rubber meets the road in the times you describe above...

so go small..
meet tiny eensie beensie needs...

and extra call, email, text message...
thinking of YOU...
even in all this chaos...

And one more EN not being met *SEX*. Important to both of us (not equally as important of course). There's no time (b/c of kids and stuff) or too much stress (for me).

make time..
always make time....
drink an extra cup of coffee in the evening so you are awake a little longer...(just a little) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

put out his comfy clothes so that when he gets home they are waiting for him...

go back to basics...
the little simple stuff...

quit looking at the big picture...the big perfect moment
the right time....
cause the right time is passing you by....

you guys can weather this one...
I believe you can...

I THINK YOU CAN I THINK YOU CAN I THINK YOU CAN
CHOOO CHOOOO

ARK

Brown, you and Liny, want the same thing, correct? Just talk about a plan to get you there.

It really sounds like you need to lighten up your load. Liny, needs to sleep. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Moving has to be stressful, the boys - GRRRR, the after math of the A.

POJA everything, communicate. Fill each other up. I have talked so much about this book lately, but I'm going to give it one more plug. The 5 Love Languages. It teaches you how your S feels love, rather by touch/affection, and 4 others that I can't seem to remember off the top of my head. Figures.

You don't have much time together, so love each other the best way that you can, figure out how LINY feels love, and he you, then go with it. Your love banks will fill right up. Oh, and have SF as much as possible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The boys. Well, mine are younger than 8, I truly believe in unconditional love, but there comes a time when you have to love them enough to just be firm.

I'm sorry for your stresses, and your lack of EN being filled. {{{Brown}}}

KY

I see signs of when LINY "throw his hands up and gave up". This is in part what leads to his EA. It scares the hell out of me. Then I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I get very defensive - LB'sville on the way on this rollercoaster of Recovery!!!!!!

This is the one main thing that needs to be addressed ASAP.

after the A takes place the one thing that should be communicated right away is any feeling that scares the HE!! out of you , to be triggered into thinking or feeling that the other is reverting backward ...

I am not saying that it would be true in any way , but I know the feeling you speak of ... and walking on eggshells well it never sits well with me ....JMO .

Glad that the move is over and I know LINY work hard as did you ...

when stressed out things seem to magnifie ...

If the 2 of you are not sleeping well ,,, that should solve the problem of SF and when to have it LOL ! Why waste all those sleepless hours LOL

THE boys ,,, well got nothing there for ya ,,, soumds like a handful ....

Ya have to stick togehter and not allow them to make the 2 of you frustrated with each other ...

You both are on the same team when it comes to them .

LB'ing is not good and I know that but it will happen and neither of you should be scared of it .

one should be able to see it and help the other through it ...

Stay focused and do not loose sight of eachother.

Talk every possiable moment ...

cheer up BROWN !

{{{Brown}}}

edited to add:
Re: the boys - kids can add lots of stress to a M. And, though they're not suppose to, they can come between a H and a W.

My advice - be polite, but firm. Let them know that you are willing to treat them with respect, but you also are wanting their respect as well. As long as you are footing the bill for everything, they will abide by your rules. As long as they are in your home, they will abide by your rules. Rules are meant to add structure, and keep out confusion - not to be confining and overbearing, but so that all parties concerned can be on the same page, and in the same book, maybe even reading the same lines together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> They may be living in the basement, but that's still a part of your house, right? And, as I recall, they are not contributing to the upkeep and income for the home, only adding to the responsibilities and expenses...so, though they are trying to be "on their own" the truth is, they're still at home with mom and dad. Hard reality, guys, but wake up - Mom and Dad are still taking care of you - if you want to truly be on your own, then find your own place to live, with your own rent, groceries, and utilities, not tied to mom and dad's stuff.

Will it be tough, YES!! Will it make you want to cry later and feel like a heel for being so rough and hard on your kids, possibly. Will it teach them that mom and dad still love them and want the best for them, maybe not immediately, but they will see it. Will it help them to realize that mom and dad are H&W before they are mom and dad, yes - will that in turn help them in their future relationship with their spouse & kids, yes.

What will you do, when they are all grown, and gone, and it's just you and LINY in the house again? The kids will no longer be the excuse, don't let them be the excuse now.

{{{Brown}}} Good luck and God Bless, I pray you will find the strength to continue on, and the wisdom to follow the right path!

<small>[ October 25, 2004, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: YL ]</small>

Brown -

I read this yesterday, and have been thinking of a good answer, or rather which thing you need to take care of first.

Of course, moving is stressful, and that will pass. Your boys however need to be invited to a family meeting. My WH and our kids and I used to have them weekly. Everyone put their gripe in writing and we worked together to solve them. It really made a difference.

I can see how the SF thing would be difficult with different shifts, and a little one. Make time and schedule it. That way it will not be left out.

And of course we will be working on the G problem over in Idiotville. Come on over and join us sometime.

Oh Brown!

First off - they boys are paying you rent, right? Every landlord has rules - you and LINY need to lay down the law.

Next, I agree with Ark...start small. It's the little things you do for each other that speaks volumes about your love. I can't tell you how much it means for me to have Nio call....just call. You two figure out the "little love buttons" that need to be pushed....once those are pushed, everything else will begin to hum along nicely.

(((LINY & BROWN))))

PS - LINY said you looked stunning for the wedding on the Jelly thread.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm sure you did!

((((((((((((((((((LINY&BROWN)))))))))))))))))))))

Oh, Brown, I do feel for you. I know it has to be hard fighting the G thing and the A thing, plus OW still working with him.

Now kids do get to be better as they grow up. But that is not much consolation right now. LINY seems to care about you sooooo much, and you seem to care about him.

Somehow, I think this will work out. But LINY has to get help with the G thing. It is powerfully addictive, and usually has to do with not being happy with your life, and desiring the adrenaline rush.

But it is just like all addictions. He has to trust in his higher power, and not himself to overcome it.

Believer,
I'm sitting here and crying my eyes out. I love this man --- always have and I always will. I do care about him too. I also have a front row seat to what this addiction can do to a *FAMILY*, *MARRIAGE*, and *PERSON'S SPIRIT*.

And his is small potatoes compared to what it could be --- all the same --- it's so hard to keep trying to deal with (it's been 4 years or so that he realized he "had a problem"). I try to be supportive and I end up enabling. I try being firm and I end up being a B!tchy wife. I try getting myself together and I end up being "cold". I can't live like this anymore and neither can LINY.

I feel like this is my fault .... the G thing and the A. I don't want to hurt my H anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like if I do anything --- it's wrong. If I say or do the wrong thing --- he's off to talk to his "friend". I don't want to talk to any of my friends --- it's the same [censored] different year. I have prayed for him and our family so many times and I can't hear HIM for all the confusion in my heart and head. It hurts --- plain and simple.

Brown

BUMP <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />