Ok, so I've been doing some research and have found all the information on the different "types" of affairs. I think I may be confused, and need some help. There are signs that my H had an "exit affair", but I'm not sure that it's that cut and dry. I mean, he was depressed (upon learning that his father molested his half sister 20 years ago) going into the affair, and he was also in a major transition between companies. Add to this that I was starting a new business, working long hours and constantly pre-occupied, and you've got yourself a volatile marital cocktail. So, I can see (but do not condone) how the affair came about, and even acknowledge that he may have wanted out of the marriage at the time, but I'm not sure if he wanted out before his depression "fog" hit, or if his wanting to leave was just a subconscious effort to project his unhappiness onto the marriage. I know this sounds like a bunch a psycho-babble, but in some ways, it makes a lot of sense. However, for some reason, I feel like it would be really helpful to know whether he really did want out of the marriage, or whether he just thought that the marriage was what was sinking him. I just don't know how to figure this out, and doubt that even he knows.

You should probably know that he left on August 4 to continue his relationship with OW. He met her in late June and they had one night of physical contact at an office party when they were both very drunk. He tells me that he was attracted to her originally because she looks so much like me! Anyhow, although he tells me he still loves me in the way he always did, he's questioning whether that love is adequate for a marriage since he was "able" to fall for her. He feels a "connection" to her...can you say LUST?!? Well, I'm not in his head, I know, but c'mon! He knows that his love for her is greater and more "connected" after just 7 weeks? Besides, the few times that I've seen him since (I gave him the space he wanted almost immediately, and haven't brought her or them up since) he looks absolutely miserable. I don't know if that misery is because he is meeting with me, or if he's just generally miserable. Although, his friends say that they've seen him the same way, so...

One more piece of the puzzle that may help (or not) put it all in perspective is that when we originally married 2.5 years ago, we had a civil ceremony (for INS purposes), but decided to hold off on the formal wedding until we were more stable financially. Last X-mas ('03), my H surprised me by proposing! We were planning our "real" wedding for Spring '05. So, sometime between X-mas and June (when he met the OW), he decides he wants out? Decides he doesn't love me? Of course, he found out about his dad AFTER the proposal, so the depression didn't kick in until February, so I just don't know what to think or believe.

I know, I know. Many of you will say that it doesn't matter, either way, and that I may never know so I should just concentrate on moving on, but please play along. Just to appease me. Please!?!

I'm sorry this post is so long. I'm just trying to get caught up and get some help. I'm so confused and desperate to understand and know how to proceed...

Greetings from San Diego Dazed...where are you at?

Your story sounds similar to mine; well, at least with the respect to WH experiencing disappointments and the affair triggering boiling point and an explosion. Go to the thread FWH...gather here. You can follow my story and read some of the feedback from 2scared and fogless, who have helped me understand a bit. I am still confused as to what exactly is the best route to take to help my marriage but I have learned that I need to stay true to myself and feelings and in the end, whatever happens, it is meant to be for the better.

Hope you get some good answers...hang in there!

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 30 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5 years
His Affair: 4 months last fall, ended 1/04; dropped bomb and left me 5/22/04, been separated ever since with minimal contact; he admits to dating, I am NOT; no divorce papers filed thank god...been in Plan A...thinking about plan B.

Thanks, KJB23. I've been following your story, and you're right. There are many similarities. However, my husband left specifically to be with the OW. He said that his feelings from her were the ONLY thing keeping him from reconciling with me?!?

Anyhow, I'm at a frustrating crossroads myself. I've gone "dark" since last Monday to give myself a chance to start healing. I wasn't in very much contact before, maybe an email a week or so, but I was desperately searching for any clues in those communications that would show that he was having a change of heart. Instead, I was just driving myself batty. Meanwhile, I've been putting on a very convincing show for him. He only sees/reads my upbeat, happily moving along side. Sure, in the first 6 weeks, I was sending him letters to tell him that I love him dearly, but am respecting his wishes to be set free, but I haven't mentioned my real feelings since then. Ever since I asked him, point blank, if he wanted me to move on, and after a long pause he said, "I think you should". Whatever that means!

So, here I am, a week into NC with him and it is getting easier. BUT, he and I have an appt with my atty tomorrow (he never got around to retaining his own) to finalize the settlement agreement before the divorce paperwork is submitted to the courts. I've already told my attorney that I don't want to be there, but she wants me to, at a minimum, participate by phone. I just don't know what to do. If I see him, I risk slipping backwards emotionally. Then again, if I don't go, I risk pissing him off since I was the one making a big deal about both of us being there at the same time...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thanks, KJB23. I've been following your story, and you're right. There are many similarities. However, my husband left specifically to be with the OW. He said that his feelings from her were the ONLY thing keeping him from reconciling with me?!?

Anyhow, I'm at a frustrating crossroads myself. I've gone "dark" since last Monday to give myself a chance to start healing. I wasn't in very much contact before, maybe an email a week or so, but I was desperately searching for any clues in those communications that would show that he was having a change of heart. Instead, I was just driving myself batty. Meanwhile, I've been putting on a very convincing show for him. He only sees/reads my upbeat, happily moving along side. Sure, in the first 6 weeks, I was sending him letters to tell him that I love him dearly, but am respecting his wishes to be set free, but I haven't mentioned my real feelings since then. Ever since I asked him, point blank, if he wanted me to move on, and after a long pause he said, "I think you should". Whatever that means!

So, here I am, a week into NC with him and it is getting easier. BUT, he and I have an appt with my atty tomorrow (he never got around to retaining his own) to finalize the settlement agreement before the divorce paperwork is submitted to the courts. I've already told my attorney that I don't want to be there, but she wants me to, at a minimum, participate by phone. I just don't know what to do. If I see him, I risk slipping backwards emotionally. Then again, if I don't go, I risk pissing him off since I was the one making a big deal about both of us being there at the same time...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

just my 2 cents worth - since you brought up the subject of "exit affairs" - this certainly doesn't sound like an exit affair.
An exit affair, as I understand it, is generally a reltionship that your H would get into as just an excuse to get you to kick him out, divorce im, hate him, that sort of thing.
It would be a relationship with someone that he didn't necessarily consider his "soul mate" he was just using her as his excuse to get out.
Similar to a man who would pick fights with you for months, just to make you angry so that one day you would tell him to leave. he wants out - but doesn't know how to say so - instead he forces you to do it for him.

This sounds more like the typical affair you will read about here.
Keep reading.

Have to comment - my WH (now ex) went through the EXACT same thing. He found out his dad had molested both of his sisters when they were young. Ever since he found out about that my WH was never quite the same.

Your thoughts about your WH's depression sound quite likely. I pray he will wake up soon.

I remember my WH, in the beginning of his affair, saying that his dad must have been miserable with his mom all those years, and thatwas why he started molesting the girls. My WH said "If Dad was so miserable he should have just left mom - instead of molesting the girls. I am miserable in my own marriage, and I have to get out and find someone else who makes me happy, so that I don't get into trouble"

That is a load of crap, of course. His dad did not molest his own daughters because he was "miserable in his marriage" - but my WH was clearly not in his right mind. He still isn't.

I also know that my WH was NOT miserable in our marriage - he was just plain miserable. He needed someone to blame - I was the closest person.

Wow, WOF. I thought this kind of background would be fairly unique. Clearly not.

I guess that's where my confusion comes in. If not an "exit affair", then what is it? What are these called and where do I find out more about them?

Thanks!

Dazed, I'm so sorry you are in this position. I know you are trying to determine what *type* of affair this is but I have a concern that it may not be what any of us think. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that your H is the Resident Alien, correct?

You married 2 1/2 years ago which puts him in the position of being able to obtain his Conditional Green Card (permanent resident status)as opposed to the more temporary version. If you had been married less than two years he would not have been eligible. The timeline of this "affair" concerns me and may be a factor in his intent to divorce you SO quickly. Met a woman in late June and left in August? It is now late October which means he left you a few months after the two year mark. Hmmmm....

Where is he exactly in the application process? I guess what I'm trying to say here is that it is highly likely that this has NOTHING to do with you or anything you did or did not do to have a happy marriage. You may want to get on the horn to your Immigration Attorney tommorow to find out if there is anything you can do at this point.

If you got scammed, you wouldn't be the first, some of these stories are heartbreaking. If you did get scammed do what you can to stop him in his tracks if he hasn't gotten his permanent residency yet. Somehow I get the feeling he has it in his hands. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Call your Immigration attorney, it is a very specialized field and you don't want to leave this to chance.

I'm hoping you post back and tell me I am all wrong and YOU are the permanent Resident Alien with a lovely Green Card in YOUR hands. {{{Dazed}}} KB

KB, I hear you on this. I have thought about it too, but dismissed it rather quickly. Afterall, his decision to move here in the first place was very painful for him. He was VERY homesick for the first year, or so. He still misses him a lot.

Also, as I believe I mentioned here (or maybe it was another post), he formally proposed last x-mas. I wasn't pushing for it, and it was a complete surprise! I just don't see why he'd go to such lengths if he had any doubts and was planning his "escape" as soon as the INS period was over.

Maybe it's just my rose-tinted glasses, but I've already ruled this out.

Dazed, I'm sure you are a lovely woman whom he couldn't help but fall in love with hence his proposal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Still it is a VERY suspicious timeline but YOU know him, we don't. So he HAS already achieved Permanent Residency? Just curious, is the OW from his home country or an American? KB

Believe me, I wish it were that easy. I've have his butt back on a boat home if I had ANY suspicions.

And, no, he isn't QUITE there with the residency yet. Actually, the divorce is a little risky while we wait for his paperwork to be approved by the INS, but from the research I've done and the attorneys that I've talked to, it shouldn't be a problem. (He never even did the research before he left, so if this was his plan, he's pretty dumb).

Oh, and she is American.

Interesting Dazed, sounds like he didn't plan this out...that's good. Is he hoping that INS is not going to pick up on the divorce? I mean he's got to know that his Green Card application will be in jeopardy if he follows through with this at this time. If you are opposed to divorce at this time, you've got a pretty loaded card in your hands actually. How long did you know each other before you got married?