Well, folks, no doubt I'll still find solace here for some time to come, but for now, I won't be participating in a marriage.
Many, many things have happened over the last week...
Last week, he called me alot (not a proper plan B) begging me to come home. "I don't do alone well" was his threat. After the cajoling, and feeling 'sorry' for him, Friday morning, I'd decided that maybe we were different. That maybe how much we'd always taked to one another, the talking was OK. But when I spoke to him in the morning, he said he had to open with me, that he had to go to OWs mother's to install equipment.
I told him that I didn't agree with that decision, that it hurts. He said he'd already promised a month ago. I said he'd made promises to me, too. Then, right in the middle of explaining why it was important to me that he pass, it occurred to me:
Why do I even have to explain????
Why am I requesting someone who says he loves me not to hurt me?
What does this say about me?
A switch was flipped in my head and in my heart: I RESPECT MYSELF MORE THAN THIS!!!
I told him, fine. Do what you want. I'm coming home.
"you are? (smugness/relief) good, I want you home. You'll see, it'll be alright."
"I'm coming home and your leaving. I have the day off. I'll find a lawyer and a real estate agent."
Anger. Fine. Etc. "have it YOUR WAY! It doesn't matter if I don't make any money!!!!"
"do what you want."
Then he calls again, says he understands and will not do the job, but must go tell her before going on to the next job.
That evening, I'd planned a nice dinner and evening, but when he came home, he greated me with "open and honest": "I did do the job."
I knew then I'd flubbed up, but still hoped...
Before this evening begins, I said, You know that I told you if I came back early and if you ever, ever misstep, it's over. "OK, fair enough" and we had a pleasant evening. He began reading "the 5 Languages" and rushed out to get me flowers, a card and then rubbed my feet. Lotsa effort.
Again, I am hopeful....
He emailed back to this email I'd sent the previous evening outlining some of the assurances I need:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Subject: Starter set
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 2004 17:52:59 -0500
Hi, Honey.
I love you enough to tell you what I want and need to rebuild our life and love together. But I've gotten to fear your reaction each time I tell you. I'm not left with a feeling that you feel loving and giving, but that you are resentful of me for asking for reassurance and for asking you to put forth the efforts to build and heal...
I am trying to be open with you about the fear I have in heart and the things you can do and consent to that can help still that fear and emptiness. It hurts when you get angry and refuse to work with me on these things. It hurts, too, that you aren't coming up with the ideas and plans yourself.
It's unsettling to contemplate. I thought you'd "do anything" for me?
Is it really that unreasonable to ask that you commit to me before I return home? After all we've been through, do you really think it's asking for too much? Why do you think it's ok that I come home, under these circumstances, without reassurances?
Is this how much I mean to you?
I really hope this is not how you intend to treat me, that this is not your idea of "doing anything" for me to prove your love. You are a much better person than that, and you are much smarter than that, most important, I believe you are more compassionate and caring than that.
These are things that are tangible ways to show your conviction..
*No Contact letter (the letter makes it "official") you write and I approve and then you send to her.
*Proof that the no contact is permanent
*Never take any jobs in the "secret square"
(Outlined area of town OW hangs out) (and I'm wondering about another street)
*Do not go into that area for any reason unless your family is with you.
*Tell me if she tries to contact you or if you are considering contacting her
*Continue to take antidepressant meds (I ask this for your best)
*Pay your half of household upkeep
*Absolute honesty - no deception, no withholding information
*Change Business bank - BankofAmerica is my vote
*ATM card is for direct purchases only - no cash withdrawals
*I make the company deposits and you bring home receipts (like you suggested- like a real business)
*Discipline in record-keeping for the business(both of us)
*Get a bookkeeper and an accountant
*Catch up with legal issues for (our company)
*Focus only in (Our Area)
*We agree in advance on an amount of weekly miscellaneous cash allotment for each of us.
*We spend only when both of us agree to spend - in advance.
(I think we'll get ahead really quickly this way, too.)
*Let me know your scheduled appointments in advance each day and keep me updated with any changes
*Share your day with me.
*Bring your phone to me at the end of each with PRIDE of your consistent integrity
*Protect me from harm from others - defend my honor and let no other dishonor me.
*Protect your children from harm
*Eager, regular participation in Marriage Counseling
*Let me know how much you respect me
*Actively pursue growth and strength of our marriage
*Go out of your way to make time with me that's just the two of us, enjoying each other and whatever we're doing - guarantee at least 15 hours a week that is just for US.(Really strengthens a bond)
*Read books to learn about strengthening a marriage relationship
*Practice the concepts with me
*Do workshops, workbooks with me, let's do a marriage weekend!
*Make dates with me, court me and I'll court you back!
*Write letters, poems, songs, draw pictures, leave notes, voicemails, emails, again!
*Sing to me
*Share your thoughts and dreams with me.
*Share your concerns with me
*Be silly with me, let's "be in love"
*Make and nurture me as an active participant in your company, your day, your life
*Make me a "kept woman"
*Be open about the affair and your new lease of life
I gave a lot of thought to this list. Many are things that bring peace and calm to my heart. Most are to rebuild trust between us. You'll notice I, too, must consent to participate and put forth more effort and discipline. Every one of these addresses a point that we need to strengthen. Most importantly, it makes us PARTNERS in a healthy marriage. That's what I want - a good partnership, an active partnership, where we focus on US daily!
Isn't this the path to rebuilding, cooperation, trust and respect? Will you please give me a reason to believe in you again? Please? Give me a wonderful husband to spend my life with?
I love you and want with all my heart to work together - lovingly, kindly, enthusiastically, steadfastly, honorably, and with mutual
respect for one another.
Will you commit to it, too?
All My Love,
All My Thoughts,
Your loving wife,
W
HIS REPLY THAT EVENING VIA EMAIL:
W, nothing you post here is unreasonable and undoable....I can and will abide by all of these rules.....My only request is that, under NO CIRCUMSRANCES will our past indescsritions be brought up after drinking. I want to work thiis out...
I also want to work with you and making this a legitiamte business...find office space, hire help grow and expand. You will be active in the role of president. You'll alos be able to set your own schedule.
I think with your brains and my drive we can turn this into a highly profitabke situaation in a short period of time, and start concentrating on enjoying the finer things in life.
W, I've made a mess out of everything. I want to fix it and make it right with you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The weekend seemed to go very smoothly, except the extra phone I'd planted in the van came loose and he found it. He described it as "violated". Said he was incenced, etc. this morning, he told me his phone was dead and not to worry, he'd call when he got to the jobsite.
Then I get a call from my son as I'm on my way to work: "Mom, I'm right behind Dad and he's on (a local street he'd agreed not go on)!" "Does he know you're there? And he's there anyway?" " No, he can't see me - I'm going to follow him." "No, don't. Just go on to school. Just tell me if you see him turn onto (another street)" "Crap. The SUV just changed lanes. He sees me." "Wave to him and go on to school." Son agrees, but calls me back: "I had to turn around. I want to see if he's going there."
I had already turned around and headed in that direction and had called in to work "sick."
Son called Daughter - who is off work today - and she "mobilized". Son very very angry with H, Daughter very very angry with OW. Both insist on doing ssomething....
Son goes driving around hotel parking lot looking for OW. Tries to call the Hotel, but 1411 is incompetent and can't find number... SO HE GOES IN AND ASKS FOR HER!
OW calls WH to ask if it is him. WH takes the call and tells her it's not him.
WH calls me. I am chipper. "What's up?" "Not much, on my way to jobsite...""Where are you now?" tells me. "Why were you on (street)?" "I was, but it's not what you think." "our son called to let me know." "I know. I saw him." (he is still quite calm)
"it's over." "No, I want to stay married to you"
I told him it was the final straw. No more. He must move out of my house.
He can live in this filth, but I'm not going to do it.
I am tired of the deceptions.
<small>[ November 22, 2004, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: restarting ]</small>
