I've gotta tell you, it's so weird being the confidant of your S in withdrawal....

It's strange to find myself HAPPY and PLEASED that I'm the one he chooses to consult with! it hurts, but the pain of not knowing is far more hurtful. The pain of not being who he seeks out for solace is more painful. The struggle to do the right thing for him is enormous! - without 'doing for myself.' aka: run the OP down.

His situation is kinda unique - but I guess for most of us, we figure our situations are unique. What's weird is, I'm not willing to live with her in our lives, but I DO understand and even appreciate what and why H has and is going through.

It's humbling. I honestly appreciate him more and admire him even more, bc I KNOW that the whole sordid mess was evolved out of a misplace sense of heroism. It makes his resolve to return to his family and me all the more precious to me!

he said some pretty wonderful things to me today: that he is resposnible for where it went, and wishes beyond wishes that he'd involved me in his 'charity' from way back. That he's sorry that it did the damage it did and wishes to take it back.

he still want's to believe he's made some kind of difference in her life. I' won't dispute that right now, as it's not contructive - he's not ready.

What's weird, too, is how (GAWD I hate saying this!) our family has taken this mess and actually learned and grown from it. But I am very proud of my family for this!

Wish us luck in the coming months!

There has to be a better way, though. (LOL)

GT,

Pretty good progress given you timeframe. Your feelings are all normal.

IMHO, don't water down his apologies. When he apologizes, accept it. Don't rub his face in it but let him say it and show it.

You get the fun part of letting him now meet your needs. Part of his recovery process. Just like therapy requires various forms of exercise, recovery requires he put the effort to win you and your family back. Don't play too hard to get but don't do the work for him. Let him earn it back. It will help his self esteem.

take care,
L.

I know exactly what you are saying, Giv, about the absurdity of it all. I, too, would talk with my husband about the loss of his "friendship" and the months of him being bothered because her marriage wasn't faring as well as our.

It truly is surreal, isn't it? Like you're in a very wierd dream and just waiting to wake up! LOL!

Sounds like you are definitely on the right track, though. GO with the flow. THe more the two of you work on your marriage, the more things will become crystal clear to your knight in shining armour. Won't be long before he sees the truth: the best help he could have given OW was to stay the h*ll away!

~ Snow

Orchid, Snowbelle - Thanks so much for words of empathy. It warms my heart to know there are others that have BTDT, too. Tonight, H has an IC appt that will help clear his mind a bit, I hope.

Yesterday, he asked that I not 'throw it back at him' angrily. I was surprised, as it's been since last Friday, at our first MC that I'd done that - and that was at the MCs request that I show him how angry I am. (Speaking of surreal - I personally believe that exercising ANY emotion is like exercising a muscle: it just gets bigger the more you exercise it...)

I told him I thought I'd handled it pretty well today. He agreed, but is spparrently still fearful to fully open up for fear of outbursts. That's ok. That's normal.

I told him I can be his lover/wife OR lover/best friend. It still hurts - but it's better than not knowing or 'finding out.'

I do indeed think we've begun recovery....

restarting/givvintime