My mind is working at a rapid pace right now and wanted to pose these questions.

The people on this board have more insight into the dynamics of an A because of the info contained here and the stories we share. WS, most times, do not have the benefit of this wisdom, or any wisdom for that matter. Here are the questions:

Since NC leads to w/d for the WS, which WE know will pass, but the WS feels depression and the urge to resume contact, how best can we help our WS through this time? Sharing the knowledge from this forum concerning this matter only leads to WS telling the BS that they are preaching. WS is not receptive of advice from BS at this point of "fog" and can/will reject this advice. If WS would just stick to NC, many pitfalls would be avoided and the process of rebuilding the M hastened.

I see WS only turning to NC when they realize it is in their best interest, some WS never do come to this realization. BS is then trampled by continued contact and may start to think of plan B as a solution to enforce this boundary that has been set, even as they know plan A foundation has not been laid yet.

It seems to me a "Catch 22". What are your thoughts?

WS needs sufficient motivation for maintaining NC even though they are not yet receptive to the idea that they have an addiction.

I think this motivation may vary from person to person.

For those in plan B the motivation is that they are removed from their marriage until NC is established..if they wish to remain married..they simply must maintain NC whether it feels good or not.

For those in plan A..NC is not usually maintained and this generally leads to plan B.

The NC must be also in the mind of the WS..they must know that this is the beginning of NC forever..not for a few weeks..and thus they suffer withdrawl/depression that the fix is permanently removed..and they really like it and wish it could stay. This is why simply going away for a time does not work..the WS simply focusses on the return and new opportunities for contact.

I think plans A and B sequentially are about the best bet I have ever come across.

Noodle

I too would like an answer to this question. I believe that my FWW was hit hard by withdrawl today. She says she is empty and depressed. I have been telling her I am here for her and if she needs/wants to talk to give me that opportunity. I want to be the one to help her through these, as well as all her future, tough times. Any other suggestions from the experienced here would be benefitial.

MIF?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bear04:
<strong> I see WS only turning to NC when they realize it is in their best interest, some WS never do come to this realization. BS is then trampled by continued contact and may start to think of plan B as a solution to enforce this boundary that has been set, even as they know plan A foundation has not been laid yet.

It seems to me a "Catch 22". What are your thoughts? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think there is your answer. Only when they are serious will they commit to NC. I don't see it as a catch 22. Plan A summized is basically putting your own feelings and emotions away for awhile so that you can show your spouse how serious your marriage to them is, with love and compassion. Once you have either gone as far as you personally can with Plan A, without going completely crazy, then it is time for plan B, which then protects you from further emotional harm.

Noodle, you are wise and I totally agree that that WS needs to be motivated to keep NC.

So some WS will keep NC throughout plan A phase because they want M to work right at outset and see how hard BS is trying in plan A.

Most others will break NC during plan A. So when does BS decide it is time to go to plan B. After 1st NC break, 2nd, 3rd, as many as BS will take? Also, the severity of the break needs to be taken into account as well, phone or email contact vs. SF, right? Continued break of NC I think will just lead to getting walked all over and WS will think they can have it all (cakeeating).

If the MB plans follow their course, then most all BS will need to enter into a plan B at some time, correct?

TTSi- So you believe that the WS could break that NC boundary as many times as BS can stand it. Finally, BS just have to say "ENOUGH" and go into plan B mode. Correct? I ask because I have so many telling me to go plan B because of first break in NC, and I just don't feel ready and, frankly, the severity of violation (phone call) is just not enough for me to go to plan B, yet. Now if it's resumed PA, I'm gone. So we each need to know what our tolerance level is.

Correct,

Most do need to enter plan B.

The time to enter plan B is a) when you have executed a suitable plan A for the amount of time you have previously decided on..or b) when your bank is nearing empty and you need to protect your remaining love for them and desire to be married to them..or c) when you need to protect yourself from further harm..not because of the marriage but because you feel you can not sustain any further damage.

The beauty of the MB process is that it largely does not rely on feelings. It relies on knowledge of addiction, knowledge of ENs and the structure needed to feed them, the part this can play in an affair, and is very strategy oriented.

You become knowledgable about what you face, you make a plan, you execute the plan, when you are done you have either entered recovery or have emotionally prepared for divorce to the best of your ability.

What makes plan B so effective..is an outstanding plan A.

So the place to start is plan A. Become a student of it..meditate apon it and what it can mean for you and your specific situation. Make a timeline. Commit emotionally just as you would any other struggle you felt was worthy of your efforts. Take care of yourself..do what you need to do to keep your head well above water. You need your wits about you..eat well, excercise, seek counsel, read, get enough..but not too much sleep. See friends and others who can support you.

Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint.

When the time for plan B comes..it is always a risk. That can not be helped, but you can rest assured..that YOU have done all that can be expected.. you can have the peace of mind that if W should walk away..it is not because you drove her or were inadequate in any way..it is because she is lost and it is time for you to move on in your life..as you can not viably stay lost with her forever.

In medias res

Noodle


One more thing..plan A should not be overly long regardless of how the BS is feeling..an over long plan A sets the marriage recovery up for failure..not recovery..I believe 3 to 6 months is the average
[typos..and I likely didn't get them all this time either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ]

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

I don't know if I would word it exactly like that. I think the transition between plan A & B is unique to each person. In general, yes, you go into plan B when you can no longer continue to try to fill your spouse up with love bank deposits, while they are continuing in the A. If someone goes past that point in plan A, they will, sooner or later start making massive LBs, draining any leftover feelings of love the WS may still have for the BS. The start of Plan B, leaves the WS with a very positive image of the BS, and a huge reminder of what they really are giving up.

You know your spouse and yourself better than anyone on this board. Heed the advice of others, but it is your decision on when you think Plan B is best.

If you are still in Plan A, and it has gotten you results, And your spouse has agreed to NC, but sliped up and made a phone call, but was honest with you about it, that alone may not be the trigger to start plan B.

If there is more to it though, then that changes things.

Thank you both. I have the answers I was looking for. Plan A continues. I'd like to see this thread continue for others who do not have an answer to how they should plan yet.