After years of continual attempts at working on my relationship with my H, I've come to think I just need to emotionally detach from this hurtful relationship.

A quick background about us... We've been married sixteen years. We have three daughters. My H has been involved in several affairs and we have been separated twice. Right now we are together in a "roomate type marriage". To the best of my knowledge, H is currently being faithful but I don't know this for sure as he travels extensively.

It seems every time I try moving towards him, he goes the other way. He needs lots of space and freedom. Meanwhile, if I keep an open heart towards him, I eventually end up hurt. His words and actions often indicate a lack of interest in me. He can be kind, intelligent and interesting. But I usually experience his boredom, exhaustion and apathy.

So, I've come to feel the only way to survive in this marriage is to emotionally let it all go. I'm just not sure exactly how that is done. Any thoughts or sugestions out there? Thanks in advance.

Hi Leah2be,

I usually go back and read all the posts of someone I am not familiar with although I do remember you.But forgive me I am, a bit tired tonight.

I am sorry about your sitaution.From what you said,it sounds like your WH is looking for something and isn't finding it,hence the multiple A's.I can sympathize with how hard it must be living and loving someone like that.

If it's one thing I am 100% sure about,if I ever become involved with another man again,he better be darn sure what he wants in life and is OVER the searching.I have no time to be in a relationship with someone who isn't completely honest and sure of himself.

You cannot and will not survive in a marriage where there is no emotion.You can try to cut yourself off from the painful part but emotions are all intertwined.Like when my WH wants me to be pals and friends and spend time with him now that he has his homewrecker and we are getting a D,he just doesn't understand or want to admit that he is being selfish and I just cannot separate my emotions like pieces of a puzzle.Without the whole it just doesn't look/feel right.He was my H and I loved him so much that I just can't be only one thing to him now so I have made the decision to cut him out of my life completely.I have to to survive.

Are you still in any kind of counseling? Maybe you need to get back to it perhaps?

I don't have any concrete words of wisdom since I will not be going through recovery but maybe the gang over on the Recovery board has more to offer at this stage for you.

~Good luck to you~

O

Octobergirl,

Thanks for writing. I'm sorry for your situation and pain. I don't think I could ever be just friends with H if he were to have OW with him. I hope your situation becomes happier with time.

We're now talking to a marriage coach but it's over the phone and not to frequent. I think she has some great ideas but things are moving very slowly. My H is gone most of the time with work and travelling. I guess I need to be more patient.

Thanks again for your reply. God bless!