Greergan - Ive read some of your posts and understand you think you have add/adhd. Have you been diagnosed yet? Have you researched exactly what it is and things to help you?

The reason I ask is that I to believe I have this, havent been able to get diagnosed because of no insurance of any kind, mostly because of not being able to hold down a job long enough. Will powere alone is often not enough to cope, at least once you understand how it affects you, its easier to see the signs, unfortuantely I found out about it about a month before my W left, she just thought it was a good excuse on my part.

What I have found is something called "Attend" by Vaxa that has helped me tremondously, its a homeopathic pill that you can buy online, may be worth a try, its helped with the feeling of my thoughts going 10 thousand different ways at once.

Also get and read a book called "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell. That alone will open you up to a whole new world on coping with this little understood problem. Best of luck.

Thanks for the info, I like homeopathic stuff when I can get it. And I am for sure in "read about it all" mode.

I have not had the tests yet, only been in for 2 counseling sessions but MC gave me the addy for a website with unofficial tests on it and I passed that with flying colors. LOL

Some of the symptoms of ADD are things that I have complained about for years. The biggest ones that my WW makes fun of are the problem handling light and noise. Both make me stressed and fatigued for most of the day. So I get made fun of then get yelled at because I need 30 minutes to an hour to rest after the work day.

I really hope my gorgeous WW is ready to hear 'kiss my @##' more often because I won't put up with being ridiculed for physical problems that I have no control over.

So on that note, how can I say 'kiss my @##' or 'get your head out of your @##' in a way that works without being a LB?

I am feeling a little more comfortable that she will do NC and get into recovery with me, so I guess I am letting more LB's slip out then I should.

I am feeling less in panic mode and some of the repressed anger is surfacing. I just don't want to push her away with more bad behaviour while at the same time letting her know that she is not off the hook completely yet and that she must learn how to give care to me as I must learn how to give care to her.

YO GG, read that again before flipping out please.

Im not sure there is a way to say those things without it seeming like an LB, at leasnt not in those words, what it will take is for her to research it also, most everyone thinks that add is not real and its all in our heads, your wife may feel that way also, knowledge is the key, you probably wont be able to preach it to her, youll have to give her small meals of info, print outs etc.... I have decided that I wont let add destroy my life anymore, I am going to control it, it certainly makes LBing harder to not do because of the impulsiveness, you will really have to pay attention to what your brain is doing before you let something slip, harder said than done tho, but you have to try.

I to was ridiculed when I brought it up to her, she would roll her eyes and say things like "oh here we go with the "ADD" thing again, get over it, its in your head!" got to the point I just quit trying to tell her my problem and just fix it, it has certainly helped in my current situation, if I hadnt found out about it, I think things would be alot worse for me all around. Good luck, and get that Attend!

I think that the 'small meals' I try to feed her get ignored completly. And yes, I have heard the 'here we go again' thing more times than I can remember.

The kicker is that I think I am ADD and I think she is ADHD. How is that for a challenging marriage? LOL

I know there are better ways to defend one's self than saying 'kiss my @##' etc. But some times it seems like she ignores what I am saying unless I use those words. When I say 'please stop that, it hurts' she tends to say I am and treat me like a baby instead of simpling hearing what I need for her to hear.

But damn her smile is awesome. AARRGGGGGGG.

can I say roller coaster again?

People have said 7 weeks is not long enough. How the heck to people survive that long without loosing all their marbles?

I really don't know how many I have left. I am so tired of the up and down. I really don't understand what to expect from my wife. She says one thing but does not seem to be able to follow up with it. Then I don't hear what is in her head even though I share.

The seemingly mostly one way street keeps me wondering about Plan A and really about if I even wanna keep trying.

I mean please....all she has to do is buckle down and make it so there is NC with a slime bucket that she will never have romance with anyway.

aarrgg

<small>[ November 30, 2004, 06:46 AM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

I am calling the Dr today. I guess my words pretty much tell the story about my mental state. LOL

Depression is really starting to hurt. Makes me not sleep so good which in turn gives me time to over-think and feel abandoned which leads to depression which leads to lack of sleep which leads to feelings of abandonment which leads to.........

Gimme drugs or gimme a white coat with long arms!

Day 1 of no talking with OM. wooot. I am so hoping that today will be day 2.

7 weeks may be long enough...and may not, it depends...if you feel you have been a very giving person up till now, then this time will be very stressful. If you have been fulfilling her EN's but not her TOP 3 NEEDS, then you have been spinning your wheels.

For years I was very giving to my H, but I gave my time and energy with LB's attached, so all my giving, although wearing ME out, was useless. I gave up, and only gave Plan A about 3 months before moving to Plan B.

I will tell you that I have maintained some of hte behaviors I have learned in Plan A to this day (after recovery)...I try to cut out the LB's and try to fulfill his EN's. It's less stressful now that I am getting my needs met too.

That is the stressful part, isn't it, that you are not getting your needs met too...it's part of hte pssive aggressive nature, by asking for what you want would give her too much power and control over you, so you keep it quiet...and really don't allow her to fulfill your needs...then b&*ch about it on here...not fair (I must say, I'm projecting a bit, my H is this way).

Medicine helps him, and US greatly. I have suspected he had ADD for YEARS, and is VERY passive aggressive, he takes Wellbutrin, and is a different person...lovable and giving...when he's not taking it...grumpy, surly, selfish...Jekyl/Hyde.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillHereMakingIt:
<strong> 7 weeks may be long enough...and may not, it depends...if you feel you have been a very giving person up till now, then this time will be very stressful. If you have been fulfilling her EN's but not her TOP 3 NEEDS, then you have been spinning your wheels.
</strong>

No wheels spinning. Just the lack of NC and commitment to our M from her is killing me. I have been doing my best to fill her EN even though I don't yet understand their order. She has not yet done the worksheets. I have been sucking it up, and yes I am tired.

<strong>
That is the stressful part, isn't it, that you are not getting your needs met too
</strong>

I am getting some met pretty well and other really important ones met but not often enough. And YES it is very stressful, especially after I have some how miracuously done a very good job (on accident) of filling one of her big ones.

<strong>
...it's part of hte pssive aggressive nature, by asking for what you want would give her too much power and control over you, so you keep it quiet
</strong>

Well I am most definately passive aggressive by nature (very hard to control even though I know this). Historically I have not asked for what I need because she hates being asked to do anything for me. I have just kinda floated along getting what I could when she offered.

<strong>
...and really don't allow her to fulfill your needs...then b&*ch about it on here...not fair
</strong>

umm, no. I would be glad to let her fulfill my needs if she would. Especially since many of our needs are mutual although maybe not in the same presedence.

<strong>
...not fair (I must say, I'm projecting a bit, my H is this way).
</strong>

Thanks for your ownership of the projection. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<strong>
I have suspected he had ADD for YEARS,
</strong>

I have been ridiculed in the past when I have voice my thoughts about my possibly being ADD. Just recently I found a list of symptoms, many of which I do suffer from and I have been ridiculed for complaing that I have problems with some of these symptoms.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Ok, here is the situation.

She probably never planned on leaving until the A was outed. She never did leave, she only stopped doing the little things she has always done for me during a maybe 3-4 day period.

I think the A started because she did not allow me nor would allow herself to meet ENs.

This in addition to our family being in a city she really, really hates. OM is from our home city 250 miles away.

We have no social life in the new city, this was because of her and mostly her mother being unhealthily overprotective of the children and thinking that a 12/13 year old is not old enough to sit with the 11 year old and 3 year old for a few hours so the parents could go out.

Once we moved to the new city I think that we had like 2 or 3 dates in 2 1/2 years unless we were visiting her parents for a weekend. I begged and pleaded until it would cause fights about getting us out of the house by ourselves.

She denied herself, me and us because that was how she grew up. She also was locked in an 8 year hell of a first marriage. She ended up being a man hater.

I knew this stuff and married her anyway. Of course she was pregnant before we got married which played a bigger part in us getting hooked than either of us has admitted until recently.

The biggest reason I did marry my wife is because despite all the $hit that hide her true self I could still see her true self and fell in love with it.

**************************
I am very hurt by her affair. I am very angry about her affair.

I have many fears and doubts about myself, my ability to be good enough for her and about weather or not she will be able to start wanting to meet my ENs and be able to commit 100% to our M and never ever cheat on me again.
**************************

This is where the depresive language comes from.

**************************
I feel in love with someone that I am just now getting permission to know.
**************************

This is where the hopeful language comes from.

She is starting to fill my EN's some times. We hold hands most of the time when we are in the car. She kisses me and says ILY more often then she used to. We look deeply into each other's eyes often (and for the first time in our M). She puts her arm around me while we sleep more often (I remember only a few times pre-A).

I think that she might be unlearning some things about me that she assumed and that are not my true nature. The worst part of my passive aggressivness is not my true nature. It is a reaction to all the stresses listed above; in addition to going from a single partier guy to a husband and father of 2 step kids in a matter of 4 months and then 1 shared child 7 months later.

There are so many variables that I can see and understand that contributed to our un-happiness. I see them and don't understand why my wife seems not to, or at least does not share her views very well about them with me.

I am ready to run with this new found freedom. I am ready to be myself again and see who she really is.

But I get started then have to stop and turn around and wait for her a spell. She does seem to be getting there, just not in the time that would make me the happiest. This is something that I have to work on and accept and learn how to deal with.

So with all of that said, my main problem is that things are so almost "right" between us that I can just about taste it. I do not understand why she will not commit to NC and then 100% to us.

So there are all of my reasons for appearing crazy like a yo-yo.

<small>[ November 30, 2004, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the stressful part, isn't it, that you are not getting your needs met too...it's part of hte pssive aggressive nature, by asking for what you want would give her too much power and control over you, so you keep it quiet...and really don't allow her to fulfill your needs...then b&*ch about it on here...not fair (I must say, I'm projecting a bit, my H is this way). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That honestly sounds more like how my wife has been historically. She would always say that I did not love her and the kids, I did not want to be there.

I asked what she needed/wanted from me. She would say that I should already know. I should not have to ask if I cared. I should just know what needed to be done and do it. She would always say that if it was ment to be that it should be easy.

Blah, I never left. I never, not once, came home late or drunk. I never even looked at another women when we were out. I have always provided. I have always allowed her to have what she wanted as long as I could give it to her. I have always taken the crap that her mother says and have never said a poor word back.

I feel like I have done everything right except for not force the issue of our unhappiness years ago and reacting poorly instead of acting positively.

I know I have more historic LB's to own also, but still feel like I do deserve what I am asking from her right now.

Been a long time since I posted on this thread. Interesting read though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So my beloved insisted that she have a "closure" meeting with OM. We were supposed to be visiting friends and family this weekend that we have not seen for a while.

I told her that I was not going on the trip unless she would give me NCP. She declined and told me she wants me to understand her need for a "closure" meeting.

It is now more than 5 months passed dday and I can no longer take the dramatic cycle of NC then contact.

She always acts different at home when she chooses to be in contact with OM. When there is NC things get bettery slowly and we have more and more good times again.

I just can't take the drama anymore though. She says I am pushing her away when I expose contact to OMW. She gets very upset of OMW calls me (usually OMW lies or twists or offers 'old' news as new news).

So my EL is out of town and I am alone as the kids are gone doing their own thing camping or with grandparents.

I attempted a poorly planned B but fail miserably and of course got caught up again in the drama last night when OMW called in tears wondering why I was not driving in with EL.

EL broke her promise not to give her new cell # to OM and acts like our marriage could never be saved even though she does admit that she does not want the marriage to end.

I am at the end of my paitience for how things are going and I really don't think I will ever get NCP from her.

I want to call her so badly right now to see what is going on...Should I?

I have about 2 days before she gets home.

I need advice, help or a bed in the ward.

<small>[ March 19, 2005, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: greergan ]</small>

I am hurting so bad right now with pictures in my head of what my wife and her affair partner are doing in thir "closure" meeting.

Both promised their spouses that only talking would be going on.

OMW told me that she thinks that they will be spending the day together. Both me and OMW are on our own today left to hurt and wonder.

Evil people. I'm sorry man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Current sitch.

Family trip planned for the weekend.
EL insists that she needs a closer meeting with OM.

I decline to go on trip. I've put my foot down knowing that our kids and her parents will at some point find out what is going on.

EL blows off pre-made plans with our friend.
EL spends all day with OM.

OMW calls to tell me she forwarded a slew of emails.
I forward emails to FIL and call him to tell him what is going on.

EL is furious with me, FIL/MIL say they don't want to get involved.

I text EL saying "Please don't come back"

MIL calls back and actually listens because I push for the welfare of her grandkids.

I tell MIL that I want EL to come home as my wife but that for her not to come back if she is planning on continuing affair.

EL, OM show up at bar with our friend.
Friend is upset to see them together.
EL says "What does it matter my marriage is over anyway"
Friend says "But his isn't"
Questions both of them seperately. She gets no answer or alien answers from both.

EL leaves me VM. She sounds scared.

Friend reports that EL seemed scared, sad, confused, dazed.

I make it clear to friend that I want EL home with me but not while still active in any kind of affair. I make it clear to friend that the price of admition has also gone up, EL needs to get some professional help.

Now I really don't know what to do next.

If EL stays there then she will probably loose her job. I don't know what to do if she comes home.

Neither of us really has a place to go since we are pretty new to the city we live in and don't have close friends or family near to us.

I need advise now please.

I did talk to EL today.

She was crying hard and very mad at me. She said she was going to come home tomorrow to pack up some clothes and take the kids back to her parents place.

Greer: I don't mean this to be a 2x4, but as I say it over in my head trying to get it to come out on the keys, it sounds like one.

Have you stood up to her? Be a man, go get her. Stand up FOR her. Don't just tell her of your love for her, go show her. And I don't mean getting into a fight with OM, but fighting for your marriage. You can do it. It won't feel natural, it'll probably feel awkward as he!!.

Shortly after I found out, with Now*, I didn't know what to say. One thing I remember is that I had my shoes on all day (usually I take them off when I come in the door), I think I wanted to be ready in case she wanted to run. I was going to track her to the ends of the earth if needed. I may have been obnoxious as all get out, felt like crap, mad as a hornet, didn't know what to say, but yet I didn't not want to be near her.

Not a 2x4 in the least RH. Been there done that.

I HAVE even been in OM's neighborhood but did not know where his house was.

I've shown EL what I am prepared to do, she thought I was bluffing about taking a stand though, she thought I would continue to allow the EA(PA again?) to go on. She told me so.

I've learned that only she can choose to end things.

I probably would have drove in already except for the fact that the 2nd car is broke down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am displaying actions that are of the MB peev category I guess. I am just so hoping that this round of re-exposure has been enough.

I just took EL call.

She called to tell me that she bought a car charger for her cell phone. She sounded much better. She is with our friend who I am sure is being supportive in between 2x4s.

OM went home a couple of hours ago to face the wrath of his wife.

Reexposure is good. Sounds like there is hope. Hang in there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Recovering H:
<strong> Reexposure is good. Sounds like there is hope. Hang in there. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree, I just don't feel objective enough to realize what it means.

I drawn my line and am loath to have the line blown away by the wind again.

I don't want to crusify her but I must protect myself at the same time.