Confused and Scared ,

Of course the WS is ashamed. Absol-freakin-lutely! I was ashamed of myself and didn't even recognize myself because I was involved in something so awful that I couldn't even comprehend it. And the WS is ashamed because he or she knows that A's are morally wrong, cruel, and destructive.

And you're right about the secrecy...it is very appealing and very erotic and feeds the fantasy.

After exposure and once the secrecy was blown, my A changed from being based on secrecy to being based on defensiveness. Another fantasy stage between the OP and the WS is the me-and-you-against-the-world.

Kudos to you and your husband. It was an honorable step for him to have that meeting with your significant others. I hope other WSs read your post and follow that example.

Blessings.

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 11:54 PM: Message edited by: tobs ]</small>

Thanks Tobs
I see what you are saying about the you and me against the world thing. I actually hadn't thought of that, but I can see how that would work.

How did your OP handle the fact that you were ashamed of the relationship. Didn't they find that a little humiliating? The OW in my case was hidden away for years. I attended all of the public and celebratory aspects of His life while she was prepared to be hidden away. I know this woman very well (clearly in truth not as well as I thoght I had). I find it hard to understand how she could have not felt cheated by being excluded from Hs real life, while I received all of the public apprecialtion. (Please keep in mind that i never knew of the affair).

After I found out about the affir my words to them were Fine so you fell in love, why didn't one of you tell me so hat I would not be years older and I could have gotten on with my life?

Neither could answere me. In the end I think I can see that my H wanted to stay with me ultimately, but what good di her secrecy do for her. I think your us against the world idea might have played in here.

I don't know you story, Tobs. Are you in recovery?
C&S

I have also been lurking and am glad to see this question. I have read seasoned veterans on this board say Part A includes exposure. Does this mean even if the A is over and NC is established? If so, what is the point of that other than as punishment, spite, or for the BS to get sympathy? How is that going to help a WS that is foggy and in withdrawal and unsure whether he/she wants to work on recovery or how is it helpful for recovery?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

No isatyd...
exposure is not for a couple in NC and in recovery....

OH the insidious fallout of affairs...

It is the nature of the beast that the WS lies...to function within an affair....

the step back picture...
is how does a WS that has no value for truth...learn to speak and live the truth again...

surely not by asking the BS to engage in dishonest and lying behavior as well....

For that is just a continuation of a dishonest life and dishonest actions.....

exposure is nothing but letting reality in on an affair...and the effects of it's actions...

anything else keeps it in the realm of fantasy...
qnd living in fantasy serves no one..
not the WS
not the OP
not the BS.....

if my spouse were to "out" me to all my friends and family, that would be the last straw. I would never be able to forgive that.

that's a sad comment..
and a continual choice to live seperated from an honorable life....

never say never...

ARK

lsat,

Exposure is for ACTIVE, ongoing and entrenched affairs...it should not be used after contact ends because then the focus is on punishment rather than reconciliation. Now that doesn't mean that the BS has to live in silence and keep secrets if she needs support from a close friend or family member...but that's not the kind of exposure we're talking about here.

tobs,

It sounds like for the most part that exposure in your case did what it was supposed to do even though in the work situation the reaction was embarrassing for your husband. The comment you made about how it "changed" the affair is exactly the purpose of exposure. There are risks in exposure but they have to weighed against the greater risk of the affair. I've seen exposure completely backfire in a few cases...that's a fact....but by and large...it puts so much pressure on the A that it's well worth the discomfort if it will save the marriage.

Another thing that is important to consider...and worthatry has a model he likes to use about exposure that I really like. Think about as "concentric circles". At the heart of exposure are the 3 or 4 people MOST affected by the A. That's where exposure begins. The first exposure is for the WS and the other BS (if there is one). If the A ends at that point, exposure ends. If it doesn't, you move to next circle. That circle contains close family, best friends, and perhaps a trusted pastor. If the A ends...it stops there. If not...the next circle contains more friends, family, work, church etc. But the idea is to END the A....not to humiliate.

Another important factor is the language used to expose. It should be simple and clear...to the point....asking for help to influence the WS to return home and stop the affair. Details and gossip are not part of it because it isn't meant to punish...it's meant to create accountability, lack of secrecy and inject conflict into the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lsatyd:
<strong>I have read seasoned veterans on this board say Part A includes exposure.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not this one.

But we're splitting hairs because Plan A and exposure should occur simultaneously.

And ditto ark - once an affair is over and NC is in place, the need for exposure is gone. Period.

speak of the devil!! LOL....I was hoping you'd weigh in on this one WAT.

In my mind, when you marry someone, what your spouse is doing behind your back is damn well their business. What ever happened to staying true to your word, your vows? The faithful spouse has every right to know from their WS pretty much everything about the relationship they wrongfully are pursuing outside their marriage.

-K

Me: 28 yo FW
Him: 31 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years
His Affair: Started last fall and continues
D-Day: May 22, 2004; Separated ever since; Plan A thru October, Plan B thru November, divorce underway now