Approximately 5 months ago I found about my H affair. It was devastating. At that time I started reading this forum and tried my best to save my marriage. I was shocked, depressed and mad at the OW-but I wanted to do everything to make my marriage work. My H ended the affair in the summer and he is trying his best-now that my marriage is no longer threatened I am starting to get angry. Angry at the disrespect he showed me. Angry at how he treated me during his year long A-angry at the times when I was sick and he left me alone to be with the OW-angry at me looking after the kids when he spends our money on the OW on gifts and weekends away-angry at the lies he told me-angry at so many things that he destroyed. Before the A I had to put up with his selfish choices-his career always came first-he has always spend long hours at work-and yes-I also felt alone and emotionally neglected-but I did not start an affair-I had many opportunities but morally I always viewed it as wrong-
Reading this forum I am starting to wonder why are people so desperate to save marriages. Why must we as BS be so understanding and he can be in a fog and treat me badly?-is there really something worthwhile to save after such a betrayal. I have two kids who adore their father but I do not know if I can ever get over his affair. Will I ever be able to love him again-I honestly don't know. Yes-he is caring and sensitive now-but how can I trust him that it will last.

He does not want to go for MC.He refuses to open up about his past. He is not interested in a sex and won't tell me why not

Tonight it feels that he complicate my life and I want some simplicity back. I am tired of dealing with this whole affair, reading about affairs. I am wondering if I will not be better off on my own-at least I will know what to expect.

Ultimately the decision to stay in your marriage is yours and yours alone. No one is going to tell you that you should or should not stay in a marriage. The choice is one you make yourself.

Reading here please remember that this is a support group for people wishing to improve their marriages. In the infidelity section most of us have made a decision to try and recover our marriages and that is why sometimes it can seem that this is the only choice.

That said
Anger is a pretty normal reaction at your stage of recovery, as is ambivalence. I think that early in recovery there is just a gratefulness to have the affair over and the partner back. I then think a sort of honeymoon period goes on.

Once the BS feels less threatened I think that they then start to reevaluate their relationship, their marriage and their spouse. I know I did. You see I had to reconcile the picture and fantasy I had had of my husband and my marriage with the reality of who he was and what hte marriage was.

I had to re decide whether or not I loved this person who was different to how I had thought he was. I think that this stage is actually very healthy. I remember my counselor telling me that she could tell that I was moving forward because i was starting to express anger. She said that I was progressing towards eventual acceptance.

A BOOK WHICH EXPLAINS THIS AMBIVALENCE WELL i aFTER THE AFFAIR. i THINK IT WAS WRITTEN BY jANICE aBRAHAMS sPRING OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. i READ IT OVER THREE YEARS AGO NOW.

Sorry about the capitals, must have hit caplock.
Anyway good luck
C&S

After the Affair, yes a very good book. I read it just a few weeks after D-Day. I still reread parts of it to try to get some understanding of the crazyniess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused&scared:
<strong> Ultimately the decision to stay in your marriage is yours and yours alone. No one is going to tell you that you should or should not stay in a marriage. The choice is one you make yourself.

Reading here please remember that this is a support group for people wishing to improve their marriages. In the infidelity section most of us have made a decision to try and recover our marriages and that is why sometimes it can seem that this is the only choice.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">C&S: THis is a great point that I often forget. It always seems like everyone in the world advoactes saving a marriage at all costs, but this is a tiny subsection of infidelity and I sometimes forget this.

To the OP , I sos mch feel your pain and anger. I felt the same way and know in my heart I could never go back with my WS after this. Many people can somehow, so if that is what you ultimatealy want to do, then you are in the right board. You will get plenty of advice and encouragement to fight for your marriage despte terrible terrible circumstances. This is a great support forum for those that want the marriage saved.

Goodluck

LM

Lieben, I feel much like you do. That I'm always accomodating WH. He has no time, always at work, ignores the kids. Sex? Yeh, right.

I thinks it's the deceit, the sneaking around and the uncertainity that is complicating my life. So much energy goes into it. When I try to set firmer boundaries and take a little control, I feel better. Exposure makes you feel better. Although on this particular day, I feel a bit like you do.

I like MB because it shows you an option and a path beyond D. Any way you go, it's hard work. We BS can try all we like but if WS doesn't cooperate, doesn't have some openness, then nothing is going to work. Remembering that I have a decision making role helps me.

Good luck.

I agree with you some days as well. I give and give and I get nothing back. h is out with friends, or is home and crabby. I try so hard to meet his needs, but get very little back. It is very disheartening to try try try, to have it kicked back in your face. It is hard when you think of how it use to be and you want that so badly- yet the WS thinks they "own" you pretty mcuh. Like we did something to deserve the lack of love and care, that they can do what they want because *THEIR* heart was broken... they forget that during their fun-capades we were left broken heart and broken trusted from the get go. S*X in our house is so rare now a days too (Okay rare for me about 1x a week- more if I am really insistant on it- however some days even the red lace does not do the trick <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ). This is a roller coaster ride, it really is, ups and downs are part of the ride- it is your choice how many times you want to go around.

It is so hard being in a one sided marriage, there is hope- depends how much of yourself you are willing to lose and how long you are willing to wait.

Hang in there

lieben,

I also echo the comments of confused&scared about the decision to stay married or not is yours.

Now consider the following question, what advantage do you have in filing for divorce today compared with a year from now? Aside from the immediate satisfaction of getting back at him not much and there is the very good likelihood that you will carry your emotional baggage from this relationship to the next one. Compare that with taking a year to discover the causes that led your WH to have an affair [not all affairs are the same] and what were your contributions to the bad state of the marriage that created the environment that made his affair possible. If a year from now you come to the conclusion that chosing to divorce your WH is the wisest decision for you to make, then you will be doing so from the standpoint of personal growth. Think well for ultimately it will be you who will have to live with the decisions you make.

TMCM

Lieben,

I am FWH. I was addicted to work and also used it to get away from wife. After the A I was depressed and useless. After D-day I started to work on me and M. I am a liar and I do not open up easily. But if I am going to continue the M I must do something. I did not want D even though son is grown, but also I did not want the feelings of alone. I knew the OW was not a permanent thing, we had little in common other than sex and wanting to be sober. Work took great deal of time but not all my time. Ultimately I could not go before my Maker and hear judgement for a man who did not try to save M. I was raised Cathilic but do not attend now but also I knew I had to try partly because she had tried so many times and I rejected her.

Remember FOG is still present in his head.

M is better now than anytime in my life. That is why!!! I guess.


Bill1946

Thanks to all of you-I am glad to hear that anger is normal after the first stage of trying to save the marriage. Yes-I have thought a lot about this affair-why did he do it. I think I was so busy trying to balance kids, marriage and work-and then I got sick-I focused on getting better. Eventually I had surgery. During the year leading to my surgery he had his affair-he dropped me off at the hospital-to be able to get to the OW. When I came home a day early he was miserable-he could not care less. He called her every night as soon as I fell asleep-he did not help me-Yes-I made mistakes -but when he was not the centre of my universe he fell for a much younger married OW with three kids. Working, taking care of the kids and getting myself better was a full time job! I helped him through College. We are both professionals. She has no education-she is a stay at home mom in the same area-and she offered him admiration. He was her hope to a better life and nicer home-a higher standard of living. When I was in the hospital she wrote him letters telling him how wonderful he is-how she will always be there for him and take care of him-her "little boy" he deserved to be looked after-and he fell for it!

Recently we went away for a weekend- I booked everything on my visa-I did it because I had more time. Weeks later I finally got him to write me a cheque for half of the expenses. I am mad that this was an issue when he could take her on away on weekends and paid for all of it. If I knew that I had to pay –I think I would have taken a friend instead.

Why doesn’t he get it? I am asking myself every day if he is just taking me for granted. The pretty wife, the good mom and excellent housekeeper. I am not arrogant, but people really like me. I have always had more friends, I am close to my family-what am I missing.

I know my friends like me-they have fun with me, enjoy my sense of humor and encourage me. It feels like he is the only one who does not.

Before we got married I dated more men than he dated girls. I know that men find me attractive-It feels as if the only one who does not is my husband. I don’t know why he is not interested in sex. Quite frankly, at this point I don’t know if I want to have an intimate relationship with him. His affair and his rejection of me sexually afterwards, is getting too much to handle.

I am wondering if I am just too good to him. I didn’t leave him after I found out- I was the one asking him to stay-to think about all the wonderful times we had. I followed so many of the advice on this forum-it worked. He stayed and now I am not entirely happy. Maybe he thinks that I am so desperate that he can continue this marriage on his terms-Sex-whenever he is ready-if ever-for it-opening up about his past when he feels like it and MC-well he is not interested.-and discussing the affair-well it makes him feel really bad and how many times can he say he is sorry.