I have put off seeing the OW since day 1. I could've seen her a million times over the years at work, when I worked N/S. But I really don't recall who she is.

I went by her desk during the day and there's no pix of her and her family .... damn.

I've been a chicken s#!+ for the past 2 nights. I've had to bring LINY our van at work. I've had him meet me at the curb and have not gone into the building. I have full access to the building b/c I work there too. I can come and go as I please ... I haven't ... b/c I don't know how I'll react to seeing her. Will I get upset? Will I think she's "prettier" than me (on the outside of cousre - b/c her innerds are all funked up - ya know). Will I go over to her and confront her face to face? Will I grab hold of her throat and not be able to let go? Will I just slap her acrossed the face? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Will I be able to be the strong woman I really need to be, in order to see this through and grow in our M? I don't want either of them to see me as weak. They both underestimated me completely. I am a remarkable woman (normally when I'm not faced with possibly seeing the OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> )

I've seen her sister and her mother. Sis probably knows ... and probably reports to her when I do go by LINY's area (sis is one of LINY's employees). Her mother doesn't know (yet!). I usually hold my head high and act like I belong there (well, I do - I am his lovely wife - and I can visit my H in between shifts). But then again she's not there when I visit him, b/c she comes in later.

I remember there was a time when I viewed any woman looking at my husband as a compliment to me. I know my H thought the same way. We got to go home with each other, they could look all they wanted. Now, when someone has gone beyond just looking and the H responsed - I kinda feel like I've lost some (hell, alot of) luster. I don't know if the WS realizes what this does to the BS's self esteem. (I'll be honest, I had issues with this b/f the OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> - but this does make it feel even worser).

I could go get in the shower and get all shined up. Look good - smell good. Then I could march right in like I own the place and waltz right by her desk w/ my H. Hold my head high and make her head spin. I could show everybody I am here - I belong here - and I'm not going anywhere!!!! I could p/u my H like nothing ever happened or whatever did happen doesn't matter. (That the OW doesn't matter!!!)

Or I could be a wuss again and have him meet me at the curb <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'll decide in a few minutes b/c I have to pick him up in about 1 1/2 hours .....

Sorry to ramble ... just trying to sort this out

Brown

Brown -

While I think you should be able to check out the OW, I don't know how much it will help you. If she is beautiful, you'll feel bad, and if she is just plain UGLY, you'll feel bad.

So I guess it is up to you. Since your husband is back to stay and so in love with you, I would not give the OW the satisfaction of knowing you wonder about her.

And what if you go in and go berzerko and slap her silly. Is that really going to help anything?
So think it over, and we will support whatever you decide.

Whatever you decide I hope you will be ok with it. I still haven't seen the OW and I really have lost the desire to do so. Once I make my mind up about something I'm preety stubborn.
I have thought about what she may look like but It really doesn't matter. He chose her over me and there's nothing I can do about that.

I wish you luck! Just know that you are a much better person than her and she doesn't compare!!!!

I just got off the phone w/ the H. He really doesn't mind on whatever I decide (which I still haven't decided <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )

I am going to freshen up just in case I get there and decide to go in. The H says "the thing" is there .... so I will have the opportunity ... if I want it - Urgh!!!!

Thanks Believer and Tree for the support.

I feel like I'm being so immature and silly. Dammit I'm a 37 yr old woman. I hate what this A has done to my self esteem (among other things).

I told LINY that I ain't exactly getting any sportier <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - He said "Oh yes you are!!!" (but really I'm not - I think it's taking alot out of me - I feel like it's making older)

Oh to be young and sassy again .... can I be alitlle older and sassy?!?!? (I hope so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I'll post again in alittle while

Brown

Brown,

I was in a situation similar. I made sure my husband pointed her out first chance he got. Later, I went right up and introduced myself! LOL! Thought she should know I knew who she was. Boy did that take her back.

She was pretty enough, 12 years younger than me and a body that showed it. But I didn't care. I just wanted to know who she was.

Now I could care less. But it helped me at the time.

~ Snow

brown -

Well, girl, I just changed my mind. Your husband is okay with it - that is unusual. He really does want to make things right.

I say go in and get this over with. Check her out. Then once and for all, you will know.

I never told anyone on the board this, but OW used to drive by my house constantly and honk. I asked her to stop, and asked my WH to have her stop. She denied it and my WH believed her.

Well one night she was driving by and I flashed my b%%bs at her. Then I called her and told her I would continue to do that, and I didn't care who was in her car with her. That was the last time she ever drove by, haven't seen her since.

I think you need to get this over with and out of your system.

RFLMAO! Believer, that is way too funny! I can't get that movie out of my head now. OW must have thought you were a total nut job!!! LOL!! No wonder she stopped driving by. Too d*mn funny.

Oh, yeah, and Brown, I never did see OW #1 because of distance, so I still have a "vision" of what she looks like, but I really don't care. I never did care because I knew I'd never run into her. OW #2, now, she was in my territory and I felt I needed to see her face to face. Sound like middle school? Yeah. So what!

Go for it.

~ Snow

snowbelle -

Well she probably does think I'm a nut job, but it solved my problem. She has been driving by my house and honking for almost 2 years.

I let her know that I didn't care WHO was in the car with her, her mom, her husband's mom, or her daughter. (Although I probably would not do it if it was her little girl). That was the end of my torment. She still lives with her husband down the street. But she goes WAY around to stay away from me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

believer....that is hysterical!!!!! Sounds like something I would do. hahahahaha! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I sometimes wonder what the OW looks like and when I'm ready I will find out. I talked to her and told her exactly what I thought of her and my WH and I'll tell ya...that felt great! I got it off my chest and haven't talked to my WH or her since. I have no use for either one of them!
I have to see my WH tomorrow because my son has All Star games. I hate seeing his face. My parents are coming down to visit so it will be very uncomfortable for him knowing my parents are sitting in the stands watching his every move. Hehehehe! Should be a fun day!

Brown....go for it! Let us know what happens!

Ok I went and did it!!!!

First, however, I sharpened up my eyeliner pencil, my lipliner and my nails too (I think)

I put on the tight jeans that LINY likes - I didn't worry about the cold and put on a nice blazer - I put the little black bootshoes on (for an even more "leaning", since they have alittle heel). Brushed and curled my hair (more youthful look). Took one more look in the mirror and said "oh well". Then I decided I would decide when I got there (besides LINY would see how good I looked - if I decided not waste on the OW). I drove the whole 2 miles drive - let myself in the gate - parked the car - and sat there feeling like an idiot. Why was this such a hard decision - right? Like I said "I belonged there to pick up my husband!!!). I took a deep breathe and text messaged LINY - "Turn around. I"m a big brave ... well, hum .... B!%(#!!!". I ready myself and got out of the van. I started walking up the long side walk. I got to the door and hit send on the phone. (I know I should've just walked by her freakin' desk - but I still didn't know if I wanted to see her). I got LINY desk and he was so surprised but happy to see me. I took him I couldn't breathe. He said "you don't have to do this if you don't want to". I said I wanted to - but how??? I figured I could go outside and look through the window as we walked by. LINY said "Ok whatever you want to do". We walked outside and she wasn't at her desk .... she was smoking at the other end of the atrium. We stayed at the other end (a younger me would've just walked over and smoked right front of her). She went in and went back to her desk. I looked through the blinds and waited to see her. And I caught a look at her .....

OMG!!! She was so .... so ..... EWW!!!! She was ugly! Her hair was all yanked up on her head and nasty looking. She's "too thin" and looked so tired lookin'!!!! I keep saying EWW!!! over and over. OMG!!! I was afraid of that. I told LINY even on my worst day - I was better looking than that "thing". And I asked him to please tell me she was having a bad day!!!!! I could not believe my eyes. I almost wanted to really walk over to her desk now - just so she could see that she really didn't stand a chance in the looks catergory (or personality either). LINY was LHAO b/c he was seeing his real wife and he remembered it was just another reason why he loves me - my sense of humor. (And believe I have to have one under these circumstances).

All the way home I just kept syaing EWW!!! Did I say F'ing EWW!!! OMG EWW!!! I had seen his previous girlfriend (the one right b/f me) - this one made her look good. And after I saw her I would ask him "What were you thinking???"

I told him he had better work really hard to keep me if that was his prospects -- Did I say EWW!!!???!!!

I really can't believe ... I think my H will have to stay put for his own safety ... I can't like him out with anyone that looks like that and has an ugly inside to match. I have to protect him from himself. I also have my reputation to consider ... What if he left me for that????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Anyway .... I'll write again later. Thanks everyone for the support.

Brown

Now that you got that out of the way, doesn't it feel great?! I have no doubt that next time you go pick up LINY you will waltz right by her desk, a big smile planted on your face. Might even utter a pleasant and gracious, "Good Evening," as you say in your mind, "Good Evening, Ugly Thing Who Has NO Power Over Me!"

Good for you, Brown!!!! Glad you and LINY enjoyed the moment. Together.

~ Snow

Yes Snow - we did have a lot of good laughs over the situation. Him b/c he was nervous and he really thinks I am funny. Me b/c I was caught somewhere between pissed and un-freakin'-believable. And I just might do exactly what you said - walk right up to her and say "Good evening!".

Oh and did I say EWW!!!???!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I still think I was behaving very childish and silly. And it was so "middle school". It's just that when your whole world is thrown for a loop and you don't know which way is up - everything is so distorted. And you really don't know what to believe (even with your own 2 eyes). I hope it's can only get better!!!

Brown

Brown -

That reminds me of when Hugh Grant cheated on his model wife and picked a hooker with no teeth. Jay Leno said the same thing to him "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!!!!!!

But glad you got it out of your system.

Hi Brown, I just want to send a message of support and tell you how your experience really helped me. I get so much out of the MB board and this is another great example. I am sitting here smiling.

It has been about nine months since D-day, H and I are working on recovery after a false start. It has been hard couple of months as we BS's know. H told me that OW is unattractive and doesn't speak very well. H has told me that I am more attractive, but I still posted myself outside her house hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I already knew she would be EWWWWW, but it wasn't enough....just wanted to know how stupid H was to put himself in this situation with someone really not worth it. I think if I ever see her...my experience will be alot like yours and I'll think H...you were REALLY a FOGGY IDIOT.

Brown, thanks for sharing..it really answered some questions I had and gave me a laugh. I think it was really courageous of LINY to support you in satisfying your curiosity. Good one, LINY and good one, Brown.

God bless you both in your recovery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ss

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I could go get in the shower and get all shined up. Look good - smell good. Then I could march right in like I own the place and waltz right by her desk w/ my H. Hold my head high and make her head spin. I could show everybody I am here - I belong here - and I'm not going anywhere!!!! I could p/u my H like nothing ever happened or whatever did happen doesn't matter. (That the OW doesn't matter!!!)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Brown, I don't think I have posted to you outside of I-ville....but your post really touched my heart tonight.....

I am extremely glad that you faced OW. That shows an incredible amount of courage and resolve to move beyond this horrible event. And I respect you beyond words for that.

I think the reason your post touched me so much is because I am having to come to terms that H and I are finished - by his choice. I had a nightmare (well, maybe not "night" since it was a nap <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) where my H didn't want me and I kept chasing after him, trying to convince him to stay. When I woke up, all I could think of were the places that meant something to us.....a place where we used to go to play trivia....the way we decorated last year for Christmas....our wedding pics....the effort he was putting into the M before his own EA....

I just kept thinking that I needed to go to those places, do those things, even go through the wedding pics.....and needed to cry - let it all out. To move through the moments .

I suppose that's why your post touched me....you moved through a moment. And the part I really like the most....you and LINY did it together. You POJA'd it. You were both happy with the decision. You worked with each other.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I remember there was a time when I viewed any woman looking at my husband as a compliment to me. I know my H thought the same way. We got to go home with each other, they could look all they wanted. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My goodness, brown....You really hit me with this as well. You probably don't know, but this is how I wished my H had looked at me. Instead, he could only look at me with resentment b/c someone else liked me "better than him." Or so he thought. He just couldn't see his own self worth.

It is clear you know your self worth. You may question it, but deep down you know it. Please don't lose that. I did and have. I am trying so hard to bring it back.

Speaking from the FWS point of view, I can tell you that I do know what it has done....but unfortunately, it is up to the FBS to rebuild that. It is not fair. We, as FWSs can help , but we cannot rebuild it for you.

However, I think you did wonderfully - seeing the OW, and knowing you are better than her.....seeing the intrensic value in yourself .

Please don't lose that self confidence. You are an incredible woman to take back a FWS (as is any FBS who takes back their FWS and works on the M). And that speaks volumes in any language.

I suppose by now I'm rambling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Just wanted to let you know that you touched me tonight. I hope you know I wish you and LINY the best. You are one of the couples that will make it.....and I really wish the most joy and happiness for you both. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Proud of you, girl! Stay strong, and stay resolved....

Hey Brown !

Well don;t you feel a whole lot better now ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The monster in the closet was just a stray cat after all ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will say that LIKE YOU the OM in my sitch ain't NO THING compared to me and thats fact not arrogance. If you are anything like me you feel 75% pleased about that 'cos you know it wasn;t a better model trade-in vibe going on, but 25% scared 'cos MAN the chat betwen them must have been some HIGH QUALITY Bull 'cos it sure wasn;t a phycial attraction.

So - from my own experiences I would say this : its great that you now know your ex-enemy BUT theres some 'plan A' type work to be done by you, hon, 'cos if THAT was filling a need you weren't you better get need fillin' ( Thats how I felt anyway). I could have understood it if Squid went for some Brad Pitt, but THAT mess ? Over ME ? * gulp!*.

Also - just because she is spindly and rough lookin do not for ONE SECOND downplay the threat she presents to yor M. Don't over-rate it either but do not lower your guard.

This was a big step for you and LINY ,Brown and I am delighted for you.

<small>[ December 05, 2004, 02:49 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Hey everybody thanks so much for the support. I'm glad the experience touched you all (and made you laugh too!). I was scared of a ghost I could see and didn't take the opportunity to see it. I guess b/c all spooks don't hide in attics. I do not trust this person (even if she is EW!!!), b/c LINY did give her alot of power in our R - and hum, theirs.

And yes Bob, I know I have to fulfill the need(s) that she met for LINY for a little while. But I have to also remember the needs I was allowed to meet during that time and not lose sight of them either. You see, even in Plan A - your actions can only go so far if your spouse doesn't respond. I think you and I have been fortunate - Squid and LINY did respond - they are working through their own side of this mess. At the same time that we have to work on our own side. (I don't care which side you are on - it's still work and a conscience effort).

L.I.T - you have to remember (as I have to remind myself too!), you are still in there. You have a heart and a soul. Here - close your eyes! What do you hear? Your own voice!!! Now picture yourself. What do you see? You see the person you think you are. If you are not happy with that picture - change it. Do everything you can think of to change it. When I closed my eyes in the beginning of this - I saw myself as a scared, unconfident, lonely, and an aging woman. I felt hopeless and so extremely insecure. When I asked LINY what the OW thought of me - he said, "Well, she thinks you're jealous and insecure". (Gee, I wonder why???). I have worked on that picture in my mind - I did/do not want to be anything less than that picture (with or without my dear LINY) - b/c I will always be here when I close my eyes. So I might as well enjoy my own company, right? (I really think people like Believer and Graycloud have come to this conclusion about themselves and their lives too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) It does take time and understanding of yourself - you will get there too (not matter which side of this mess you're at - b/c I think the WS also has a picture of themselves that they have to look at good and hard. It just so hard to see the changes that you can make and make them - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). You can accept yourself as you are - but don't accept that you'll always stay that way - always strive to make yourself better. (Now, I'll get off my soapbox <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

As far as the OW is concerned. I'm glad she was not a stunning beauty - but (LINY and) I also have to see that she is not beautiful on the inside either. B/c you can overlook outer beauty if you are looking on the inside. I think I have her beat hands down there too -b/c LINY knows I truly love him ....I always have .... and I always will.

So I'm sorry about the rambling. Thanks again

Brown

Brown..
Good for you! You did it! Ya know, reading your post has kinda made me want to see what my WH has been hanging out with. I probably would be saying EWWWWW too.
From what my WH says...the OW is very jealous of me because she thinks I'm pretty. I guess she's probably "not so pretty". Heheheheheehehe!!!

I'm sure I'll have the courage to find out one day!

Tree - I think you will feel secure enough in yourself to see the OW someday. You've come along way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I feel better having just taking care of that business - it was eating me up alittle. I was scared and uncertain. Another poster said it was ok for them to see the A as in Black and White TV - but when they finally saw the OP - it all became Vivid Telecolor. It can change things. For me the Telecolor sharpened my "perception" of the whole situation - I can move on with things. I (and LINY) took some of the "fear" away by facing part of it - head on. I think - no I know, I will get to the point where I can just walk by her and not even know she's there. (She doesn't deserve that much of my time or energy!!!! My M, my H, and my family do!!!!)

Brown