I have another thread going "Staying for the kids"...but I received an email from WH today. He is due home at the end of the week from overseas. I had asked him about cutting contact with OW since he said he was coming home. Says he cant do that, cares too much for her.

What do I do? I am beginning to think he really does love her and that there is really nothing left of any feelings he has for me. Do I let him come home and try to Plan A knowing he will be contacting her? How can I do that??? Or do I just tell him to keep on going when he gets stateside and Plan B? He continues to tell me that he loves her and that he only loves me platonically. I know all about how they re-write history and all that. And I know that he is emotionally bankrupt right now...having a very hard time. He has been back and forth between me and her now for months, emotionally that is. He has been overseas for 3 months.

What to do?? I really need some advice.
Thanks.

Katie

Hi Katiegirl,

How nice that your WH just cannot give up OW.Well,time to pull the plug on him and take yourself out of the equation.

*If you have been putting up with his fence sitting since July and did at least a modicum of Plan A since,then it's Plan B time.

Seriously,if I were you,I would tell your WH to keep on driving when he gets back into town and that until he ends the contact with OW he can stay elsewhere.This man needs to get his priorities straight and right now he has no idea what the heck that is so let him get the full effect of a life without you on the sideline.That is what I would do at this juncture.

If his loyalty is to the homewrecking OW then let him go.Start prepping a PBL.We will help you.This is my opinion.

O

P.S. I will try to find your other thread and read it and I will post an addendum here if need be.

Octobergirl,

He has been out of the house since June. Any Plan A has been long distance. Have had very little contact since he has been gone. He did come home for 2 wks prior to his tour, wanting to work things out. But a couple of days home and he started withdrawing. Was still contacting her on the side. I dont know that I have done a decent plan A since we have not been in the same house, but I have tried to play nice.

My thinking is that if I let him come home right now, maybe he would change his mind about her in a bit of time. On the other hand, how can I have him here knowing he is still contacting her and not really giving us a chance.

I am really confused.

Katie,

Is your WH coming home for good? Meaning will he be home for a long time now?

O

OG,

Coming home to our house I am not sure. I have put in an email for him to clarify that point. Coming home to the states, yes he will be stateside for a while. If he does not live with me, then he will live about 60 miles away in a different town. It was where he was living before. I dont know how I could win him back longdistance. Not with him keeping contact with her.

I agree with Octobergirl....It's time to make a move!!!

Hi Katie,

You and I have a similar circumstance.My WH was away a lot too.It made it nearly impossible for any kind of recovery and ultimately,this was a big part of why I am now getting a D.I refused to move again since we had finally bought our dream home in a beautiful town and I was done following him around from job to job.I never did mind before because I loved my WH and wanted him to be happy in his career.Then,when he cheated on me,that was it.I knew from then on,no matter what happened to us,I was not leaving my home.My daughters deserved some stability and Lord knows I was so tired of it all.

Point is,I don't think you have the best chances either of making your marriage work if your WH is not around nor will give up the OW.It's a painful reality to face.This is why Plan B was essential for my personal recovery.It literally saved me at a time when I felt so down and in pain from contact with my WH.InPlan B is where I became more of myself again.

So,like me,you not only have to deal with Infidelity but you also have a WH whose career interferes with the marriage.There are no easy answers but I think for you,at least the option of not being a part of the painful choices your WH is making may help you to rediscover yourself and what you want for your future.

As Dr.Harley says,you need at least 15 hours per week together to make a marriage doable.I didn't have that and it sounds like you may not either.Hard to make it work that way.Sorry.

O

OG,
Had another email from WH. I guess what I should explain also is that we have a 17son that is having problems with drugs. Was in rehab and got out and has relapsed. Not doing well. This is why WH wants to come home. Says he wants to help him and me. Says that he know this is so unfair to me but he cant seem to let her go. Says I was right about his addiction problem. Says that I deserve better and so do the children. Says he will understand if I dont want him to come home after this and that he will do whatever I want him to do.
I guess that mean everything but give her up, huh?
If I let him come home, will that help the situation? Will it help him withdraw from her? Give me a chance to do plan a? How did life become so dang hard?

Katie,

Let him come home and help with your son. And do the best Plan A that you can. Look up a bunch of the backposts from FaithInMe, who is in a similar situation (still is). She has done a truly fabulous Plan A. You can learn from her.

Give it a few months. Then, when you feel you've done a good plan A, and if he is still in contact, then you should go to Plan B.

~ Snow

Snowbelle,
Am I setting myself up for more pain? I want my WH back and I want to be a family again, but I dont know if we can take it if he comes home and leaves again. Not the kids nor I. I know what you are saying. It is what I have thought as well. If he came home, even still having contact with her, at least he would be home and maybe I could influence him. But I worry that I wont be strong enough to do plan a very well, knowing he is still contacting her and possibly seeing her.
I will try and read some of the posts. Thanks.

Katie,

Please, do make an effort to read FiM's posts. Plan A is all about attitude. It is hard to love your spouse when you suspect they are not committed to the marriage, but with the right attitude it can breathe life into a dead marriage.

Plan A is about addressing the problems you have created in the marriage and making amends. It is about changing yourself and letting your spouse see those changes. It is about making the choice between you and OW a no-brainer.

Plan A is the first step to ending the affair. Whether it will be successful is anyone's guess. But if you give it your best try, you will be in better shape, no matter what happens.

This will not be without pain. Expect pain. Lots of it. Vent here. Ask for advice on how not to issue lovebusters and disrespectful judgments when you feel that pain sharply.

Give it a shot.

~ Snow

I have just been at this for so long. Or it feels that way. I know I have better days than today. Lot of things today and I am just a basket case <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I will try and read the posts. Thanks Snowbelle

I concur with SNowbelle. If you want to see what a TRUE PLan A is, see FIM's post. THat is what PLan A is all about. Good luck in winning your WH back.

Hi Katie,

Does your son know about your WH's A?

I am sorry that your son is dealing with an addiction problem.It is SO hard to watch a loved one go through that.I watched my mom go through a real nasty alcoholism when I was a teen.It's a wretched experience.

I honestly don't think I am qualified to give you advice about dealing with your son.What I will say though is that you have to ask yourself if you are willing to go back down a path you know most likely is only going to benefit your WH and he admittedly will not give up OW.Does your son live with you now? I assume he is still in high school right?

I am fearful of the message you will send your son by letting your WH come back into your lives if he knows about his dad.I don't know how long your son has had a drug problem or if you think it may be in any way related to what is going on in the family or what kind of relationship your WH has with your son or if your WH's being away for the job a lot means your son is lost at sea because of no stable father figure in his life.See? I don't know your whole background here and it's hard to make an asessment of the situation not knowing more.So I don't know what to say about your WH coming home only to somehow try to resuce your son.

If I remember correctly,Pepperband also had a son? who had some issues recently.I hope she will post to you or do start another thread and call her out.I think she really gave him the tough love approach and he is now living out of the house.I can't remember all the details.

It was mentioned here before that YOUR wellbeing is extremely important too so don't fall under the impression that your WH is the only one who matters here.Yes you could retry Plan A and endure it some more but I have reservations about that.Plan A is not designed to be done for long nor repeatedly.In my experience reading here,it benefits no one and only places more pain on you.Sometimes I think certain people here encourage more of a BS than should be.It's a personal choice though.

I personally think that showing kids a revolving door family isn't healthy.For me,I made a stand that my WH's behavior was not acceptable and that I was going to stand by my values and beliefs.If my WH wanted to join us and make us his priority then he would be welcomed with open,loving arms.But that never happened,my WH chose otherwise and so my priority now is my children and showing them that their mom is strong and will enforce what she believes to be right from wrong.Mom hasn't changed,dad did and I want them to know they can count on my stability and strength,that mom isn't going to leave them although their dad has.

Ok,I'm rambling.I know you don't have much time to decide what to do Katie,I can really sympathize with how hard this is for you.You could try to make a pro and con list.I know that may sound simplistic but sometimes that helps me.

Sorry if this wasn't helpful.

O

OG,
Both my sons know Dad is having an affair that he says he doesnt love me anymore. DD only knows that dad doesnt love me anymore and that he doesnt want to come home because he has a girlfriend. Though, WH does not know they all know...I dont think.
My S with the addiction is a middle child with all the middle child problems. Feels dad was never there for him, nothing in common, that dad loves older son more. I think he is right about some of it. WH has been gone a lot in his middle years. Then WH was diagnosed with depression and that has made things worse. WH has tried to reach S some, but they are a lot alike so they butt heads most of the time.
When S went to rehab in April, he started getting better. WH moved out in June. S was mad. Then WH started visiting him and they were working through things. But S found out WH was telling him lies about when he was late and such. Has no respect for him at this point. Especially since WH has said on numerous occasions in the past 3 months that he was coming home and then changing his mind. All of the children have suffered each time he has done that.
S is in and out of the house right now. In a special program at school for at risk kids. But some days he goes to school and doesnt come home. Last week was gone all week. Went to school yesterday and didnt come home. I really dont know if WH coming home will help or not.
As far as DD, I think she is afraid to hope that daddy will come home. Hurts a lot less when you dont have any hopes or dreams. I am from a divorced family, I recognize this in her as something in myself. Something that WH has always complained about...that I have no dreams.
Anyway, I am sending him an email asking him to state exactly what he is saying. Is he coming home to help S for now and work on marriage later but staying. Or is he coming home to stabilize the family and then leave again. If it is the latter then I told him I dont think it is a good idea for him to come home at all. That it wasnt fair to give them or me that hope and than take it away. Not after all this time with him gone.
Your right, Octobergirl, having an addict for a child is very very difficult. Having a WH with an addiction to OW and a S with addiction to drugs.....almost more than I can bear somedays.
Thanks for listening.

Katie

Well here is an update on our family...if anybody is interested. WH has decided to come home!! He will be back in the states tomorow. Says that he is coming back for the kids right now, but wants to work on our marriage as well.
Our S is in crisis right now and really needs us both.
I am really nervous about WH coming home. Wondering what it is going to be like. Will he sleep in our room? Will he be stand-off'ish....I havent seen him in 3 months.
Sorry, just obsessing about things. Have to not do that and just be easy breezy. And Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi, Katiegirl.
Do you have a spare room? If so, I would put him in there. Better yet, put him on the couch. THat makes it more difficult to carry on under your nose.

You have a far better chance of making things work in a Plan A if you are in the same place. AS you know, I am in a similar sitch!

My WH is coming home for CHristmas. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

BUt, I insisted on it. I told him I needed his help. BUT, when he called today, I just thankd him and asked how he felt about going rock climbing with me and DD. I did not do any R talk. BOy is that hard!

My plan when he gets here is to assume he is not sleeping with me. Sigh. I might be too needy. ANd Plan A is about being happy and confident with no clinging or neediness. No begging, nothing.

Have you read faithinme's threads. It should be a MUST for Plan A newbies. SHe is incredible and such an inspiration.
THere are other posters who will give you good adivce, too. Noodle, Snowbelle, Weaver, Orchid, Nuts, I can't think of all of them. THere are so many others too. All from their own perspective, of course. But the basic principles are right on the mark. Take what you need from their advice and adapt it to you and do a great Plan A.

A crisis in a marriage is not good. BUt, if you work through it together, it is still something that holds you to each other.

My prayers for you and your son and your WH.