I've been feeling really horrible for a few weeks now and couldn't put my finger on it. Just a few minutes ago, I remembered that he had some pictures of our camping trip from a few years ago on his site (http://homepage.mac.com/jonwatkin/PhotoAlbum2.html) and I was hoping to download them since I gave him ALL of our photo albums. I just wanted a few momentos.

I had no reason to think that he has changed his homepage since he posted those photos since he hadn't in the 2 years before he left me, but now it's totally different! They're all photos of his new life! His new apartment, obviously decorated by HER. HER cat in his apartment (can't tell if they're living together or not). I am aboslutely DEVASTATED. I just took some xanax and I really hope it kicks in very soon.

I just want to die right now...

I haven't sent this, and I won't, but I just needed to get it out:

J,

I have completely misled you, and I apologize. I made you think that I'm over it and forgive you, but that couldn't be any further from the truth. How could I forgive the one act that I feared the most from the one man who I trusted the most? You know how devastated I was when I father did this to my mother and you seemed so empathetic and understanding. You told me you'd never do that to me and that I was "the one" and you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. It's good to know that you can produce such utter lies so convincingly. You reeled me in, hook, line and sinker. I was yours, for life.

When you left I was shattered in ways that you'll never know or remotely understand. The wind was knocked out of my life and soul. I was drowning in my own sorrow. The worst part? You didn't seem to give a damn. Starting your new life with your new woman was FAR more important to you. You even guilted me into apartment hunting with you. I helped you find the apartment, and SHE helped you furnish it. Wow. What an ego stroke that must have been for you. Two mommies and lovers fighting for you. Unfortunately, the woman with the questionable character was more attractive to you. Your loss. And mine.

All of my letters and emails that you received with "thank you's" and "no regrets" were all complete bull****. They were what I hoped I could feel. They were wishful thinking. Really, I'm hurt, angry, and crushed. You're just upset that I asked you for some financial assistance in the form of spousal support to help me get back on my feet. The money is all you care about. Not me. Not our past. Not what was supposed to be our future.

Instead, I obsess about all that you've done to me. Cheating on me. Making your mom think I'm nuts for thinking that you cheated on me. Replacing me with such a lowlife so easily. Leaving me dry heaving and dehydrated into shock while you went to your office party to see HER. I can see you have your priorities straight. Thank god you're not a doctor! You've treated me like I'm the nuisance in your life now. Like I'm to blame for ANY obstacle you face with the divorce.

You're an ungrateful, selfish coward and you're definitely a duplicate of your father. Congratulations. I hope your life is as full of joy and love as your dad's is now.

And finally, **** YOU!!!

Read Harley's book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" and make sure you find a buyer this time. I don't want to sound unempathetic, but at least you don't have kids by this man. And, don't worry, he's young, and he's with a woman who was willing to engage in deceit with him to hurt the woman to whom he made a lifelong commitment. He's likely to reap what he has sowed.

Cherished

(((((( Dazed ))))))

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think it's great that you're venting some of your feelings onto paper (into type on here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). It can be extremely therapeutic to do so. Myself, I found it best to handwrite things out and then burn what I had written. It's very healing, let me tell you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If you are in plan A right now, do NOT give your H that letter at all! I'm sure you know why.

And of course, by all means, continue to vent away on here, if it helps you in your healing journey. There's always someone lurking and reading... and sometimes just knowing that, has its own healing power. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

Vent all your anger here... don't send the email...

Reserve your dignity...

Pep

I'm so sorry your sad tonight. I've always found that writing those letters helps to get it out and am ALWAYS glad the next day that I didn't send them.

You'll be in my prayers tonight. I hope that Xanax kicked in by now.

The xanax AND a nasty pounding headache. So now I'm really really sleepy, but in too much pain to sleep. I think I'm dangerously close to a padded room...

I'm praying for you Dazed...

Take some asprin and let the xanax do it's work. Then block that dang website from your computer, that might help ya out some.

I feel for you Dazed,

I have gone through such crazy emotional swings in the last weeks, that I too wonder about my sanity sometimes. Have you thought of AD's? They can definately help keep you from sinking too low.

I have read your other posts, and have some of the same problems with my WW. I think to myself sometime, "If we would have just had children sooner, she would be more interested in working on our M." I feel like there is nothing holding her in our M if indeed, as she stated, her love is completely dead for me.

I hope you see the love that the board shares with all of us that are going through this process, and hope you don't ever give up.

If you need a friend, you can e-mail me at geckogoon@yahoo.com.

Hang in there...

TM

DazedinCA -

Are you still with us? I am a bit worried about you with the xanax and all....


Please let us know you're OK...


TM

DazedinCA,

Ditto to TM's question. Please post and let us know how you are doing.

thanks,
L.