I am ready.

Tonight, during a quiet time when all of the children were alseep [what are the odds of that happening?] I realized the time had come..I told my H..that if he is still willing to talk about the specifics of his A..I am ready to hear them.

We went through it from begining to end in excruciating detail..I asked questions, I got answers..I now have enough data to fill a thousand thousand nightmares.

I thanked him for telling me this and went for a walk. I needed to..the nausea was overwhelming. I am gratefull for the soft balmy weather..the fog just thick enough to obscure me from the harshness of reality while I worked this through my mind and heart.

Damn but it was all so human. My H and I share the same personality type ..I can get inside his head very well. I almost felt it right along with him.

I haven't cried yet..but the lump and prickle in my throat promise that it is in the mail. Unfortunately tears will not wash this clean. I'll take what comfort I can get though.

I came back inside. I told him I had made a decision. He asked if I was leaving him. I asked him to sit down. I looked at him..looked away, swallowed..looked back. This was harder than I had expected. Like something didn't want me to act. Then really looked and I knew that I was right, and it was time. "I forgive you, I will never hold this against you again, you have my word." He cried and said not to forgive him..that it was too bad..too much. I said I love you, it is done.

All of my decisons in the future..will be made with regard to the state of the marriage as it is ..not because of what has been done. If we can not make the marriage safe, healthy and happy..it is because we fail to do what is necessary.not because of his A.

It is strange to have been here in this waiting place of early recovery..and it feels stranger still to move beyond it.

The future is uncertain..but there IS hope, and there IS faith..there has always been love.

Noodle

{{{Noodle}}}
I cried when I read this. I feel it. I know it. It is so awful. And so necessary. ANd so dam$ unfair. ANd a million other things that I cannot begin to put into words.

Even though we will never meet, I KNOW that you are one of the stongest women that I will ever have the honour of knowing.

I give you my prayers, my sincere admiration and my hopes for your recovery. Your courage is unbelievable.

Peace and Love to you both.

I'm glad to hear your making progress in the recovery. Be thankful that your H wants to work things out with you as well. You seem to have taken the process much better than me. With the strength you've shown so far, it looks like you can have a better M than before.

I'm almost afraid to post to you, noodle. For a few reasons. You're such a strong woman. And shoot from the hip. I've read so many emotions from you: I've seen it first hand from my own wife, and read them through you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The future is uncertain..but there IS hope, and there IS faith..there has always been love.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are the most promising words I've read from you. Through it all, you still have it in you to forgive--after it all.

God bless and continued prayers for you, noodle.

<small>[ December 11, 2004, 01:01 AM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>

Noodle,

Thank you. You are an amazing woman.

FIM

How important do you suppose it is to take this step? My wife and I are doing really well, but I have never asked for, nor received all the dirty details. I know some things, a couple of the places they went, etc. but not all about it. I know that my reactions would be as strong as yours, although I also know I could still offer forgiveness as you did, and I already have.

I am just wondering if it is really a required step? Of course it may come out in MC anyway I suppose?

HH,

How important? Well, it was important for me. Bear in mind that D day was almost two years ago for me..and for a time I did not want this info.

Then..eventually, I realized that the blank spaces needed to be filled..perhaps a unique quirk of my particular character..yet a common need. I had been feeling in turmoil for a few months..saw the future hurtling toward me.. and anticipated hitting it like a hefty bag full of vegetable beef soup [splat]

I wanted to know..the whole of it..the worst, the details, the devil under my bed. And it was bad..they were worse..I looked and he was there indeed.

I have stared into the void, and the void has stared into me, and I find that I can live with it. I am able to love anyway and to move ahead. I may not eat for a few days. Or sleep. My mind is still and calm..my worst fears have all been realized and I am going to be alright just the same. So this chapter has been written..and the page can turn.

Too bad it isn't a "choose your own adventure" admit it..who worked from the end backward besides me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Noodle

And another thing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I need to know what I am forgiving..and since I take things apart naturally..of course to me..each action needs to be considered and forgiven..there were a great many steps taken to achieve this end..and I needed to know all of them. I also realized..that in order to have avoided this he would have almost HAD to have removed himself from structure faaaaar earlier than I would have previously thought. I respect the laws of trajectory and when I chart his..I see zero room for negotiation. Of course every step is still indeed a step..but in order to have stepped against the tide...considerable force would need to be applied..and unfortunately..it simply was not in his posession at the time. If I have ever doubted that a bad decision tomorrow may cause you to be sick with regret three years hence..I doubt no longer. This was set in motion over a course of years if not a lifetime..and my H has played fortunes fool.

Many factors and small errors contributed to a situation with almost certain failure the outcome. As I walked I contemplated this tangled knot..and realized that had even one element been removed ALL things would have been alterred. To what end I know not..but even on that very night..all circumstances worked against him to such an astonishing degree that mere coincidence does not extend so far.

What matters now..are the decisions made for all of the rest of the tomorrows, foolish arrogance left behind..perhaps burnt in effigy. There is not now a part of H that I can not see..I have seen his worst moment in my minds eye and in my heart. I have suprised myself to find pity where I had thought only rage dwelt.

Noodle

(((((Noodle)))))

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Too bad it isn't a "choose your own adventure" admit it..who worked from the end backward besides me? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guilty as charged! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Noodle - I have to say that this is perhaps the most moving post I have ever seen from you. Just being honest, there were times when I read some of your posts wondering if you would be able to truly forgive your H.....and now I am humbled by your strength <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . I truly believes it takes a stronger person to swallow their pride, to let go, and to offer true forgiveness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

My situation is different from yours. But we all can learn from each other, and this morning - after reading your post - I learned that if we so desire, we can make whatever we want out of our lives. You are having to move past the A.....I will have to move past my H <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . But today, you gave me inspiration that through a lot of hard work, and actually facing the tough moments, we can achieve true happiness, and move forward with our lives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Thank you.

Noodle,

I have learned not to trust anything I feel today coz it can all change tomorrow and then again a week later. You have made a bold statement to the board and to your husband and to yourself. This may be possible for you because you are a lot more sure footed, emotionally (and hormonally) than I am (hey, who isn't?!). So, with some trepidation I congratulate you and wish you the best for living up to your choice to forgive. I just wonder if you allowed yourself enough time to digest.

I totally agree, that you do need to know the bottom line before forgiveness is possible. But, when learning new things about the infidelity, I believe it takes time to work it all thru. So, expect to feel unstable and uncertain about you, H and the M while you process the new information. This is not meant to be discouraging, but forewarned is forearmed .... or not? I shouldn't presume to advise the greatest mind on MB's. And I mean that sincerely and IMHO. But you are here and you are sharing and we all must respond as we think appropriate.

AN

That is a painfully accurate point that we must know exactly what we are forgiving before we can truly forgive. Down to every last detail.

I am very honored to know you, Noodle. Your strength is very admirable and inspirational.

I am ashamed to say I did not ask for the details. I didn't want to know the details, maybe I was just sticking my head in the sand. Maybe I am afraid to know the whole truth. It has been 4 years for me and only now am I starting to wonder (a little). I don't want to rock the boad since it is now so far in the past and really never comes up anymore. I think you did the right thing and I am sorry that I did not persue more details at the start. I know enough about her and I know that she believed he was going to get a divorce and I know that she slept with him plenty of times and I know what they did in bed, but I don't know all the dates and places or if they had been to my home or bed...I suspect. I guess the bottom line is that I can live with the lack of knowledge, which I am probably making worse. God, there just are no winners in these EMA. I applaud you. You are much stronger than I am. You will be happy you asked in a couple of years.

What you said about never bringing it up and throwing it back at him, yes this is very important. Now you will really heal.

Noodle,

You have to make sure that both of you follow 4 rule of recovery, ...ENs, no LBs, 15 hr/week undivided time together, and radical honesty. Actually WH suggested that in the beginning of recovery, you spent as much time as possible something like 30 hours/week until both of you use to fillin each other ENs. Take a non-vacation retreat for a week or so.

In-Love could be created and maintained if both of you willing to do and receive it.

-rh-

{{{Noodle}}}

LINY is right I am alot like you. I need to know the "truth", then I can decide what to do with it. I have asked questions since D-day ... and LINY has answered them. You know it was so hard for me to "forgive" after the last episode, but if I didn't ... we could have never moved forward. LINY, like your H will be required to "forgive" themselves too.

It is the strangest thing ... the *TRUTH*. For each of us the truth is still in our perception of things. The truth that may hurt you, maybe the truth I need to 'forgive' (and vice versa). The delivery and timing of the truth are not important ... it's what you do with it after the "facts".

You will have some time to digest all this information. You already said you will not throw it back at him ... so don't. But other questions may arise ... POJA to discuss them openly and honestly .... it will help you work through all of it. I have asked this of LINY b/c I analyze everything and I "need" to know the unaswered questions do come up. He has agreed b/c he knows it will help me move forward.

I hope this step is just another step torwards *Recovery* for you, your H and your M. God bless you and your family.

Brown

Forgiving is not a valve that shuts the hurt off... so don't make the mistake of thinking that way.

Forgiving opens a new path to deal with the pain of betrayal.... a more useful path for you, and your family.

*congratulations*

This is a big day for you.

Regards,

Pep

I was so very happy to read this when I logged on tonight! Not because of how painful I know it must be, but because it is the beginning of the end of the pain.

I worry about you because of that mind of yours.

A little less thinking is sometimes a very good thing. The older I get the more I try not to think about things and just let them happen. Don't know if this is the best way, but the other way sure wasn't getting me anywhere.

Hang in there Noodle, you are a special lady. And I didn't come by that realization easily in your case <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but now I admire you more than I can say. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Noodle,

You have given me so much, I couldn't begin to tell you how much I appreciate your mind , your "take no prisoners' attitude and your humanity.

When I sit bolt upright in the middle of the night, choking back bile at the image of what was once only mine to partake,I can't see myself ever forgetting how I got here. Forgiving was extended without her ever asking. I wish I could find a way to gouge out that vile image.

I am so happy to hear the path that you have taken and as always my hopes and prayers are offered for your happiness.

I have a lot of questions about the details of the A, but I have decided to hold off on asking. Things are going so well right now and I don't want to derail recovery. I do have a sense, however, that someday I will 'have to know'.

I am wondering if it would be best to ask those questions in MC? Perhaps if I am just patient, the counselor will suggest that I be filled in...might be easier that way.

I'm curious Noodle. Had you made your mind up to forgive, no matter what was revealed to you about the affair, or was there something that you could not have forgiven.

Because for me, what does it matter where they had sex, how many times, was it normal, anal, oral. Those things are immaterial. He was unfaithful. Why should the manner of the betrayal be played out in my mind over and over again. I don't want to know and I can't believe I would ever ask. I don't want pictures in my head I can't get rid of. I don't know what she looks like, how old - nothing. Yes, it is denial but it's my way of coping. We are all different!

Do you feel different about things now you have forgiven him? TT