Orchid.....

I'm not a destructive person.

However, I am the kind of person who will take things carefully apart and put them back together again AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES, UNTIL I GET IT RIGHT!

Self-realization....that is a ton of bricks.

Got any thing to read or look at that will help me rebuild myself?

Life's a journey. I'm gonna keep doing it until I get it right.

K

BTW Orchid...

I have read your thread on the 5 stages of grieving. Several times. Trying to get a grip.

You know.

K

Yes, I know. You will. Don't worry. Just didn't want to see you blow up and be angry at yourself for not getting it sooner. In reality, you weren't ready to get it sooner. That is what I have learned from being here. Really can't force a BS to get it. They will, in their own way and time. That's where that patience thing fits in sooo well.

Yep, we have to be patient even with other BS'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Gotta go get some shut eye.

g'nite.
L.

Thanks, Orchid.

Pleasant dreams.

K

Good morning k!

You said:
"I think I've been waiting for someone to "come to my aid", or "be my champion"."

There are currently 103 posts on this thread. People who are able to help you in your quest ARE coming to your aid. In the beginning stages of recovery, I don't think it feels that way but it is true nonetheless. So far, on this thread alone, 103 times! Isn't it nice when there's something to feel good about, especially when we feel so crappy about ourselves? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You said:
"No one is going to do that for me - especially if I can't do it for myself."

You're right, but there are people here who can help you learn how to do that (unlike people like me who can just say "hi" to show support to you). There are people here who will walk beside you along your way. You're not alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You said:
"Self-realization....that is a ton of bricks."

I hear ya, I hear ya. There are people here who know which bricks are the most beneficial to start with. And they will help you, brick by brick. So far, in this thread alone, 103 times! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have a good day k

btw, hi k <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good Morning Loving B....

So many words from you!

You are absolutely right. 103 times to get it. 103 times more than I thought I had before.

I left WH a note on the door:

You cannot stay here.

You need to decide your life. I have decided mine.

I will make it with or without you. I would rather it be with you, but I will make it.

You know in your heart what you need to do to win me back.

K

Too many words? Is it unclear?

<small>[ December 19, 2004, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>

48 words too many--to be exact.

K, you might know that I am in the mental health field. Something that I feel strongly about, I guess you could say it's one of my philosophies, is this. I believe this about my own life, and I'm sure my clients are sick of me talking to them about it also. You talk about self-realization, which is the same as the term I like to use, awareness. Until we really acquire awareness we can't even see what our choices are. I believe it's through self-awareness that we can then see our choices, and make the best ones possible. Sometimes it actually might be about making the choice that sucks the least. It still projects us forward in our life. Until you got to your self-realization you didn't seem to be able to move forward. Now you are.

I've recommended a little book on here before called "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spencer Johnson, M.D. It's a little book that can be read in a few hrs. The Cheese represents change. For us BSs our WSs moved our cheese by totally messing up our Ms, something we thought was so stable. This book talks about what happens when our "cheese" is moved, and what we need to do to find new cheese. What I wrote probably is totally confusing, but if you're moved to look at this book it might be helpful for you. In a description of some ideas in this book, this is what is written. "Change happens: They keep moving the cheese" and "Adapt to change quickly: The quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you can enjoy new cheese." In your case maybe the new cheese will be with your H at some point, or a wonderful life without him. But at least right now you are moving.

I'm glad it was pointed out to you that you are not alone. There are obviously many people who are rooting for you because we have known for a long time you deserve better. CV

I meant 103 times, in this thread alone, that people were coming to your aid to help you help yourself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Don't give it another thought as to how long your process takes. It will take what it will take. The important thing is that you are getting on track now for yourself, so you know you will get there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

About the note on the door....

My thought would be that if you were to leave anything on the door, it would be a copy of your Plan B letter. However, I asked about this a long time ago about another sitch and the advice was not to do even that because it is contact. In Plan B you go dark, NC.

Interestingly, I was told that it is how the BS handles the NC issue while in Plan B that TEACHES the WS how to do it. Or something like that.

Don't take my word for it though. Wait for those who know for sure. Follow the advice SH gave you.

k, I know that this is extremely hard to do. Other people have started Plan B threads to get support and encouragment during this difficult time. Plus, they get to talk about all the things they're able to do for themselves once they no longer have the WS's crap invading their lives and thoughts. Why not start a Plan B journal of your own? I'll read it......and I'll say "hi" LOL.

Take care

Hi CV! We were posting at the same time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I laughed because I have said that my whole life---most times every choice sucks in some way, so weigh the pros and cons and pick the one that sucks the least! When in elementary school, one of my kids was asked by his teacher why he chose something. The answer he gave was that choice sucked less than the other one LOL. When the teacher mentioned it to me, she was surprised to learn that that was how I taught my kids to make decisions and not wait for the perfect option to come along.

I have heard of that book. Any one who has read it recommends it highly. Moldy old cheese doesn't sound very good to me -- maybe it's better it gets moved? I think it's time for me to read the book.

Take care

Hi CV and LovingB....

I have been gone all day hanging out at my boss's house.

He and his wife are great friends and supporters.

I had already shortened up the note. Didn't want to be here when WH came back....as I knew he would.

The only way I have of knowing he has been here is that the note is gone. DS looked for me before I would even think of venturing back.

I've heard of the book "Who Moved My Cheese". I do believe that my boss's wife has it (she has a Masters in psychology). She has told me about the book before. I will borrow it from her and read it.

Truly, today, I realized how needy OW must be to gladly take a man who says he is still in love with his wife.

I will not share space in my husband's heart with another.

I feel at peace now. He's going to have to do all the work to WIN me back. I'm not just going to take him back.

I would much rather be alone than go thru this daily. This is the choice that sucks the least...in fact, it sucks less and less.

Thanks to you all for your support. I am also taking baby steps in this - learning like a blind man feeling his way down the road. I'll make it to the end, I just need to keep on my toes.

I am going to put up my Christmas tree now, and decorate for Christmas!

K

And FE_

You are right about the note. After I left this morning, I knew that I should have put the Plan B letter on the door. With nothing added.

But it was too late to turn around and go back and fix my mistake....without running the risk of running into WH.

So, I AM starting to learn SOMETHING!

I am getting this.

K

Loving Bounderies, I am about 11 months into this wonderful A ordeal. NOT! At several points along the way I would have these thoughts. "Let's see, (a)I can choose to hang in there with H and maybe he'll end up dumping me for OW. (b)I can choose to get a D, be alone after 26 yrs. with this man, totally rock my kids' world because of the D, and screw us all up financially. Or (c), I can stay in the M and try to recover with the knowledge that my H screwed another woman for months during the worst year of my life. Now which choice there sucks the least? Apparently choice (c). I still think they all suck. When I related that to my psychiatrist several months ago she said, "Well at least you have a choice." I guess she's right.

K, I knew once you separated yourself from your H's dysfunctional drama you would feel better. Now it's his problem, and OW's. Let her deal with the screwed-up, suicidal, doesn't want to face life WS. I say "Have fun OW. The real world isn't as romantic as the fantasy." You're doing great K! CV

Had a thought about exposure, either re-exposure, or first time exposure at the workplace.

Write a note to the Boss explaining you were not sure that was him on the phone with you the other day, and that this whole situation has made you question what is hte truth and what are the lies. Include a copy of the email that was diverted explaining you are not sure he saw a copy of it. And invite him to call you again, but this will be your last correspondence with him. Send it to his home address. Also send a copy of the letter to the HR dept, or office manager explaining the liability they have in the office and question what is their policy on interoffice romance, especially between a bos and an assistant (some companies have VERY clear rules about this.)

You are doing great. Relax and enjoy yourself. Plan B is NOT about getting your WH back...it is about protecting yourself and your love for him and letting the A die a natural death. Every contact you have with him, every time you remind him of his 'duty' enables him to rally his stubborn side that he CAN juggle two women. Let him learn on his own...it is not your job to teach him.

Protect yourself, don't go out on that limb anymore...don't reach out for the drowning man lest he pull you in with him. Let him learn to sink or swim on his own...

CV55.....

Your sucky choices are very similar to mine. They do all suck. But you are right....which sucks the least is C.

WH had to try and explain to the dive team on Saturday why I was not at the party. This Tuesday, he will either take OW with him to a big evening out with the band (which, honestly, if he thinks THAT much of her, he wouldn't subject her to a HIGHLY uncomfortable situation) and lie about what has happened with us, or go and explain again why I am not there.

Consequences of his decisions. Reality. So sad.

Still here....I don't think I will try to re-expose at work. WH said he has "people" at work who apparently know about the A, and will help him cover it up and lie.

I say go ahead. It's his life. He will lose much respect at work over this. Like I said earlier - WHAT A BUNCH OF FREAKIN' SLIME BALLS!!

I'm keepin' on keepin' on. I've done nothing wrong. I can hold my head up. I have "people" who support me, love me.

Here's a new revelation for my personal growth...I have always thought that everyone that were our friends liked us because of WH, they just "put up with me" because I was married to HIM. (How sad that I have gone most of my life thinking so little of myself).

Now, I know that's not true. All of our friends have been very supportive of me, and very disappointed with WH. So, I really DO matter.

I'm holding up GREAT! This has been a horrible ordeal. But, God sometimes takes us down in that valley so he can restore our soul.

K

Don't blame you, about exposure, but I also wouldn't necessarily believe him that most folks are OK with it...you probably have more allies than you think, and would have more if they knew the REAL truth, not the tainted truth... Just something to think about, if you wanted to keep a paper trail, and send the letter (or any other letters from OW to WH) someday might prevent any future allegations of Sexual harrassment, or harassment on your part...
CYA.

You are doing well, can't believe you've been at this for so long. Have you talked with a lawyer about what you need to do to protect yourself financially?

<small>[ December 20, 2004, 10:38 AM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

Haven't talked to a lawyer yet. Have been thinking about it, though.

WH acts like this whole thing is a game. He told DS that my "snooping" on his phones, etc., was driving a wedge between us.

DS told me that I shouldn't be snooping. I told him that how would I otherwise know that I was still being cheated on and lied to? He agreed.

The fact that WH has "people" at work just makes me laugh. What a bunch of stupid dummies! I'm sure that WH and OW have painted me as a crazy B!
This says a lot for WH and OW's integrity. I'm holding my head up HIGH.

WH also told DS (in a phone convo on Saturday) that OW was such a good, moral person. How nice she is, etc.

DS said "Dad. She's a HO!" And then he went on to tell his father that "you can't have two, you can only have one!" Apparently WH had nothing to say about that.

So, I doing great so far today. My turmoil is gone. I can concentrate on my job. I feel loved by friends and family, and all the good people on this board.

I'M DOING GREAT!!!

K

K..

set limits with your children that at the present you are not interested in hearing about Dad..
and that while you appreciate their concern..there is NO need for them to inform you of a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g he is doing...

ark

That's easy ark....I won't talk about it, so neither will they.

They are probably more tired of this than I am.

But I think this was the first time DS spoke to his father about this. And he took the hard line with his Dad. Good for him.

K

K, I just read your last post and I wondered if I can just puke right here on this computer. What were your H's words? Something about OW being a "moral" person? OMG, I really don't like WSs. To my FWS friends please hear me when I say WSs.

Sorry, I got triggered a short time agao, decided to open a bottle of vino (before dinner), and am not feeling very compassionate towards the turmoil of a WS. So I'll stop writing. K, I'm just so glad you woke up honey! CV