Just received an email from WH. He says:

Carol,
I need to let the apartment people know today if I want a one-bedroom place
that's available and need your take on this. Let me know.
Love,
WH

I told him my parameters. NC with OW, etc, etc.

All I could do is say call me... How does a good day turn into a bad day so quickly.

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: HurtingCarol ]</small>

Interesting......I don't see any comment about NC the OW or no OW or anything else. Do you?

L.

No. It's weird. It's like he's trying to put all the decisions on me. If he "loves" me, he knows what my position was. Is he trying to make me the bad guy in his mind?

'way too strange

Yep, he wants you to fix it for him but he isn't willing to wipe his own but to save his soul. Go figure?!??!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He also isn't telling you the stressful corner he has backed himself into. He wants you to bail him out without knowing the details you have a right to know.

Yet he wants you to keep his options open for him....notice the me me me attitude in all this? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Too stange. Your WH sounds just like mine. It all comes back to you.

I would email back "Is a one bedroom going to be big enough for you? If so, sounds fine."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HurtingCarol:
<strong>
Carol,
I need to let the apartment people know today if I want a one-bedroom place
that's available and need your take on this. Let me know.
Love,
WH

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IOW
Carol, The apartment people are putting pressure on me to let them know if I want the one bedroom place that is available on this...Please call me and say you will take me back so I can continue with my double life and not have to spend any extra money on a place.

love, WH

Carol,

Let him know he can have "your take" once he no longer has OWs take on things. NC is very important. If he can't make that decision then he can agonize over any other decisions without you helping him out. He needs to feel the pain of his problems. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am just paralyzed. Where would we be without the great MB advice?

WH has painted himself into a little corner. He is really cheap about $. In his fog, he might think that he should come home and lead a double life to spare the expense.

My oldest son says that there's nothing like couch surfing to make one really examine your life. He slept on a variety of friends' couch after high school trying to discover himself. It didn't take long for him to figure out that he wanted to go to college and become and engineer. He's nearly there. I do believe in the power of the sleepless night on somebody else's couch.

It's going to be so hard but I HAVE got to stay firm. I know what my parameters are. How many times does it have to be said?

This is too hard.

Oh F***, F***,F**** He just called. Call once before and hung up on the second ring. Nerves? Somebody came in?

Says he's tired of sleeping on a couch. I said it all once again. YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH OF US. NO CONTACT WITH OW IS THE ONLY WAY! I LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO COME HOME BUT ONLY IF YOU ENDED IT WITH OW! WE CAN'T WORK ON THINGS WITH HER AROUND.

No, I didn't shout it. I wished I had some kind of ear trumpet to speak into to get this message into the deepest part of his brain.

Carol,

I know how difficult this is but I can tell you from earth shattering experience that NC is the most important part of ending the A and recovering from the A. I had a false recovery and it sucked worse than dday honestly. Dday times two is not good.

BE STRONG! So strong and don't give in even though you want to. Don't let your heart over beat your head. Listen to your mind. I really know how hard this is. It isn't going to be easy. Stand firm. NC then he doesn't come home, it is the only way to do it. Good Luck and you are in my prayers.

HINY

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HurtingCarol:
<strong> ....he says he's tired of sleeping on a couch. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Recommend, there's always the floor!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

I'll try to be strong. I've decided this part of it is out of my hands. I cannot decide if he has NC with OW. I can only decided how I take him back.

Today I was thinking that God is going to have to help with this decision. If there is a big plan, God will take us in the right direction.

I do not want a phony holiday recovery. Going through this again would hurt exponentially.

Carol,

You are absolutely right. Only you can decide what type of future and marriage you are going to have. If you want your H all to yourself then lay your boundaries down and don't falter on them. You know there isn't room in your bed for three. You know that a marriage is made up of two only. DO NOT feel sorry for him about the couch thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> remember he made his own bed literally.

You are strong. Look how far you have made it. I have read almost all of your posts so far even though I don't always have time to reply. You remind me a lot of myself actually. Not that that is good, but you do. You have come a long ways now. Don't give in. Better to be alone then be used and abused I say. If you want him to come home then NC is the most essential thing in your M right now, other wise he really isn't going to come home. During our false recovery he was home body wise, but not mentally. I knew something was wrong right from the start of it. Please just stick with your boundaries and work on yourself. You are a great person with a lot to offer someone. If he isn't smart enough to see that then let OW try to meet his needs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . It won't last long. OW aren't capable of being the wife. It just isn't going to happen. And the kids will hate him and he will hate that.

Stay strong. Remember women really are stronger than men mentally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

HINY

I completely agree with MovingForward4Me's post.

Your "take" on it? How about,

"I miss my husband very much. I would like my husband to come home, but OW's boyfriend is not welcome here. OW's boyfriend needs a place of his own, so you do whatever you like regarding the apartment. In the meantime, I will get the rest of the family ready for Christmas. Have a nice day."

This puts the ball back in his court. You just have to be a broken record about "I miss my H. I will not have some other woman's boyfriend living in my house. I miss my H . . . "

As Orchid says, do NOT take your WH back. Only take your H back. Don't budge an inch on that.
Mulan

HC,

something similar happened to me today-my H told me his OW wants him to meet her family over the holidays and he didn't know what to do?! He is sorry for everything, crying, blah blah blah......maybe it is the holidays-who knows?

Why is it that although we are the ones that they left, they are still coming to us w/ decisions? He says he can't talk to OW about anything-so why the heck keep her around? Wait-I know the answer to that-never mind.

Looks like the BS is the good old sounding board-shoulder to cry on while the OW is the good roll in the sack.....classis case of wanting their cake and eating it to....

But-I have no idea what to tell you-even after all this I find myself feeling sorry for my H...as pathetic as that is!

We're all pathetic, sadandtired. We've loved our WS for so long. In my family, I've always been the foundation. WH may bring home the paycheck but I'm the glue. I organized the house, raise the kids, keep it together. As somebody once said, He made the living and I made it worth living. They are use to us in that role. I guess that's why they keep looking to us for answers.

My In-laws say that WH is acting a lot like he did when he was a little kid. Funny how the patterns remain. At least your WH is having a roll in the hay. That's a hormanal thing. My WH says he and OW only kiss and hug and talk. Who busts up their family for that? Weird, weird, weird.

Whats up Carol? Did you respond? I guess I would have said that my take is do what ever you need honey, because I can not stop you, just remember that I love you and want this to work out, but until you get over this OW then I can not be a part of your life. The decision is yours to make, not mine. But remind him if he persues the A that he still has children to be a Father to. He will need a 2 bedroom apartment for them to feel comfortable spending time there, especially overnights....Oh...you hadn't thought about that....Well, they still are your children and if this ends in divorce, the courts will expect you to have accomodations for your children. Maybe is he is so concerned about $$$ this will help open his eyes. Just don't say it in a threatening manner...just matter of factly.